Editor's note: When Richard and Linda Eyre were on Oprah discussing their book Teaching Your Children Values, Oprah spent more than half of the hour on the value of HONESTY. Most parents agree with Oprah that HONESTY is the most fundamental and basic value of all. We are pleased to have Honesty as the Meridian Family Value for July. As most Meridian readers know, Meridian Magazine, in collaboration with Linda and Richard Eyre, presents a specific and particular value each month, complete with methods for teaching that value to each age group of children. As usual, we begin this month of July with an overview article on this month's value, and then each week there are follow up bulletins with additional ideas and teaching methods for specific age groups. Meridian readers can also send in their own thoughts and ideas on the value of the month. Click here to read the explanatory article that started this series. Any time during the month, you can click on the "family value of the month" icon on the left side of the Meridian home page and go directly to the teaching ideas for the month. You can also get additional teaching ideas for teaching and communicating the value of the month by going to http://www.valuesparenting.com/ . We appreciate your feedback on each value. Send your comments to Eyres@meridianmagazine.com. Meridian readers can also receive a marvelous (and free to Meridian readers) children's CD on the value of Honesty by following the instructions at the end of this column.
The value for this month is honesty. We define this value as: truthfulness with other individuals, with institutions, with society, with self; the inner strength and confidence that is bred by exacting truthfulness, trustworthiness and integrity.
Stories and overview
Pulling into the driveway one day, I noticed a broken milk bottle on the pavement. I asked nine-year-old Josh and his friend, Chip, if they knew how it happened. Chip quickly said no. Josh looked over at him, then walked over and put his hand on Chip’s shoulder and said, “It’s okay, he’ll understand.” Then, to me, “The basketball hit it, Dad. Sorry. We were going to clearn it up, but we forgot. Come on, Chip, I’ll get the dust pan.”
I listened through the window as they were sweeping up, “One thing I’ve learned,” Josh was counseling Chip, a full six months his junior, “is that you get in a lot less trouble when you go ahead and tell the truth.”
Teaching children honesty can be a real challenge given the examples of dishonesty that they will encounter every day in the world around them. Your example, and your constant feedback, about your child’s behavior, can be a powerful influence on your child. Along with your example, we have discovered some other teaching methods that work.
General Guidelines
- Be completely honest with your children. This will show them how always applicable the principle is and will demonstrate your commitment to it. Answer their questions truthfully and candidly unless it is a question that is off-limits, and then tell them simply and honestly that you won’t answer it. Never let them hear you tell “convenient lies” on the phone and never ask them to tell one for you (“my mommy isn’t home”). Don’t exaggerate. Don’t threaten to do things you don’t really intend to do.
- Give praise and the chance to “start over.” This gives children a quick second chance to be truthful. Don’t be anxious to “catch” your children in a lie. Instead, “catch them telling the truth” and praise them for it. If they do tell (or begin to tell) what you think is an untruth, interrupt and say, “Wait, think for a minute. Remember that it’s important to tell the truth.” Then let them start over.
- Point out consequences. Show your children the cause-and-effect dynamics of honesty and dishonesty. Watch for situations (in real life, on TV, etc.) where a dishonest act was performed. Point out the consequences to both the object of the act (the person or institution that was cheated or hurt or deceived) and the doer of the act. Also look for illustrations of honesty and mention the positive consequences, especially the inner peace, confidence, and self-respect gained by the honest individual.
Week Two:
Since we are midway through the first week of July, we will present our first age specific methods for teaching honesty to preschoolers, elementary age kids, and adolescents right here — right now. Then we will see you in a week or so, and then again the last week of July with more methods and ideas for each of the three age groups. Thanks for working on honesty with us (and with thousands of other families this month!
Methods for Preschoolers
The Demonstration Game
This game can help small children grasp the concept and know the terminology.
Ask, “Do you know the difference between something that’s true and something that’s not true? Let’s see if you do. I’ll say something and you say, ‘True’ or ‘Not True.’” Start with simple physical facts and move towards things relating to behavior, for example:
- The sky is green (kids say, ‘not true’)
- Point to your foot and say, “This is my foot.” (kids say ‘true’)
- Ants are bigger than elephants
- We see with our eyes
- We hear with our nose
- Milk comes from chickens
- Take a cookie out of a jar and eat it. Then say, “I didn’t eat the cookie.”
- Drop a toy on the couch. Then say, “Yes, I left my toy on the couch.”
Then say, “You really can tell the difference between true and not true, can’t you? Do you know what it’s called when someone says something that’s not true? It’s called a lie.”
Now: “I’ll say some more things and you say, ‘Truth’ if it’s true and ‘Lie’ if it’s not true.”
- Pick up a dollar on the floor. Then say, “I didn’t find a dollar.”
- Give a bit of food to someone else. Then say, “No, I didn’t eat all my food. I gave some of it to…”
- (Use illustrations appropriate to your child or children)
Then ask, “Why is telling the truth better than telling a lie?” (Among the possible answers are o that everyone knows what really happened, so the wrong person won’t get blamed, so we can learn to do better, etc.)
Methods for Elementary School Age
The Consequence Game
This game can help children understand that the long-term consequences of honesty are always better than the long-term consequences of dishonesty.
Prepare pairs of simple index cards or small sheets of paper. On one side of each of the cards in the pair describe two alternative courses of action — one honest and one dishonest — along with the short-term consequences of each action. Fill out the other side of the cards so that when the two cards are flipped over, the long-term consequences are revealed. Play it as a game, letting children decide, by looking at the front sides only, which option they would take.
Front Side |
When the clerk gives you the $10 extra change, you tell him he has given you too much and give the $10 back to him. He says thanks but as you walk out, you start thinking about the new handle grips you could have bought with the $10. |
Reverse Side |
You feel good and strong inside because you were honest. Whenever you ride your bike, you remember that you need handle grips, but you also remember that you were honest. |
Front Side |
You’re a little mad at yourself for not studying harder and your really worried about your grade. Still, you keep your eyes on your paper and do your best. Unfortunately, your best that day is only a C on the test. |
Reverse Side |
You resolve to study harder. Next test you do better. You like yourself because you know you are honest. Other people like you because they know you can be trusted. |
Develop other cards to meet your own situation. Let the short-term consequence of a dishonest act be good, the long-term consequence bad. Develop cards on honestly with parents, with siblings, with friends, with institutions, and so on.
After playing the game ask the question, “What could a person do if he made the dishonest choice and felt bad about it afterward?” (He could return the money, apologize, etc.)
The Pantomime Game
This game can help children to identify honest emotions — in themselves and in others — and to know that it is okay to feel and to talk about these emotions.
Write each of the following emotion-related adjectives on a small card. Shuffle the cards and give five to each family member. Each player has forty-five seconds to pantomime the actions (gestures, facial expressions, etc.) associated with the word on the card. Score one point for each motion correctly guessed. After each person has a turn, shuffle the cards and distribute five to each person again and repeat the process until one person scores 10 points. Eventually children will learn how to better display the emotions that they feel as well as how to recognize them in others. The idea is to help children to accept their own emotions, recognize how other are feeling and be able to talk honestly about both.
Here is a list of emotions, feelings, and attitudes to pantomime:
Loving |
Remorseful |
Concerned |
Thoughtful |
Kind |
Appreciative |
Trusting |
Cheerful |
Optimistic |
Nice |
Calm |
Helpful |
Empathetic |
Affectionate |
Warm |
Forgiving |
Grateful |
Serene |
Tender |
Interested |
Loyal |
Friendly |
Responsible |
Gentle |
Sensitive |
Free |
Reliable |
Passive |
Active |
Respectful |
Cooperative |
Hurt |
Sly |
Untruthful |
Honorable |
Jealous |
Mean |
Unfriendly |
Foolish |
Guilty |
Angry |
Defensive |
Greedy |
Annoyed |
Envious |
Fair |
Unfair |
Disgusted |
Selfish |
Sorry |
Insensitive |
Remorseful |
Spoiled |
Rude |
Unequal |
Cowardly |
Resentful |
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Methods for Adolescents
Analyze Types of Dishonesty
This kind of discussion can help older children to grasp the broader definitions of honesty and dishonesty.
Say, “There are really a lot of different types of dishonesty. Let’s see how many we can list.” With some encouragement children will list many of the following:
- Cheating on tests
- Cheating on taxes
- Cheating on expense reports
- Calling a ball out in a tennis game that you’re not sure was out
- Exaggerating
- Telling someone they look nice when they really don’t (flattery)
- Not telling the whole truth so that you won’t get in trouble
- Twisting the truth just a little so that it won’t sound so bad
- Lying to protect yourself
- Lying to protect someone else
Keep the list growing by asking sub-questions, such as “What are some kinds of dishonesty to parents? What are some kinds of dishonesty to self?
- Saying you got in earlier than you really did
- Not being able to admit it when you are scared or worried or insecure
Discuss Types of Dishonesty
Follow up on the foregoing discussion of types of dishonesty to help children to want total honesty for themselves. Ask, “Are any of these forms of dishonesty okay? What about white lies or little exaggerations?” Help them to see that even “little lies” are usually unnecessary: You can think a little harder and come up with an honest compliment, you don’t really need to exaggerate, etc. If you’re going to be honest, why not be completely honest?
