Meridian Family Value
June’s Family Value — Justice and Mercy
In Connection with Richard and Linda Eyre
Editor's note:   Welcome to what some would call the ultimate value--the deep and magnificent value of JUSTICE AND MERCY — the Meridian Family Value for June.  As most Meridian readers know, Meridian Magazine, in collaboration with Linda and Richard Eyre, presents a specific and particular value each month, complete with methods for teaching that value to each age group of children. This is actually the eleventh of the twelve monthly values for the year, and this series will conclude in July with the value of Honesty.  As usual, we begin this month of June with an overview article on this month's value, and then each week there are follow up bulletins with additional ideas and teaching methods for specific age groups. Meridian readers can also send in their own thoughts and ideas on the value of the month. Click here to read the explanatory article that started this series.  Any time during the month, you can click on the "family value of the month" icon on the left side of the Meridian home page and go directly to the teaching ideas for the month. You can also get additional teaching ideas for teaching and communicating the value of the month by going to http://www.valuesparenting.com/ .
We appreciate your feedback on each value.  Send your comments to Eyres@meridianmagazine.com.  Meridian readers can also receive a free children's CD on the value of Honesty by following the instructions at the end of this column.

Definition and Introductory Comments:

Obedience to law, fairness in work and play. An understanding of natural consequences and the law of the harvest.  A grasp of mercy and forgiveness and and understanding of the futility (and bitter poison) of carrying a grudge.

Justice and mercy — these words seem too abstract, multifaceted, maybe even too religious for children to understand.  Yet when they are broken down into their simplest form, they are the basic values for every household — the values around which everything else revolves. The recent movie Narnia, based on CS Lewis' classic The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, is a powerful teacher of the value of Justice and Mercy, and should (in book or DVD form) be one of your key resources this month. Along with the profound, spiritual aspects of this value, there are also the practical — which involve learning to obey basic family laws.

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On one of our media tours to publicize our books, we found ourselves on a nationally syndicated TV talk show with a live audience.  Although we had done many such shows, this audience seemed different.  As we got into the show we realized what the difference was.  The host asked us what we thought what we thought was the best place to start in raising a family.  We quickly answered that probably most important was establishing family laws — just a few — from the time children were small, so that they would know their parameters, know what was expected and have a sense of justice and fairness.

To our amazement the audience disagreed.  One mother raised her and hand and said she’d never think of punishing her son because he was bigger than she now was and he’d probably hit her back. The hour we spent with these people was very interesting.  Many of them personified the products of a home without laws, justice or mercy. 

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There is both security and unity in the justice and fairness that exists in a home.  The beginning lies in the developing of clear family laws and providing for repentance and apology as well as for consistent justice.

Perhaps the two most important things we’ve ever learned in our family about justice and mercy were taught us by our oldest daughter as she was growing up.  The first lesson came when she was about seven.  We had tried to set up some “family laws” for her and her five-year-old sister.  We had done so democratically by asking them to suggest laws that they thought would be important.  We wrote their suggestions on a list, along with our own and ended up with twenty-four family laws, ranging from “Don’t hit anyone” to “Don’t plug in plugs."

One Sunday seven-year-old Saren came home from Sunday school with a suggestion.  “Dad and Mom, She said, “I think we’ve got way too many laws.  I can’t even remember them. Even in the whole Bible there are only ten commandments!”  Can’t we simplify our list a little?

And simplify we did.  We worked our list down to five one-word laws that each child knew and understood, we connected them to natural-consequence punishments and we felt that we at least were beginning to teach the value of justice in our family.

About three years later this same oldest daughter, now ten, reminded us of the other principle that needs to go hand in hand with justice.  Again it was Sunday and again we had just returned from Sunday school.  One of her little brothers had become angry with his sister and pushed her down.  We were in the process of administering the punishment of sending the boy to his room, but Saren noticed the look on his face, which said he was sorry for what he’d done and concerned that he had hurt his sister. 

“You know, Dad,” Saren said, “”if someone is sorry and wants to apologize and promises not to do it again, he shouldn’t have to have the punishment.  In the Bible they call it repenting.”   

Saren was right, of course.  One reason for repentance is to avoid punishment.  And more is often learned from repenting than from being punished.  Our five family laws now carry provisions for repentance and thus give us frequent opportunities to learn the two most difficult (and perhaps most important) skills of life — namely to repent or improve, and to forgive.

This value carries such importance — and such relevance to our happiness.  Children who learn to obey laws, to treat others fairly, and to be both repentant and forgiving can largely avoid the bitterness, the grudges, and the guilt along with the mental or physical imprisonment that are the consequences of not understanding or living the value of justice and mercy.

General Guidelines for Teaching Justice and Mercy

Set up simple family laws.  This will help children know their limits and understand what is expected of them.  It is best to do this in two "sessions."  The first session is briefly to discuss with children the importance of laws.  For example, there are government laws about stealing or cheating or hurting others. There are traffic laws that make it safer to be on the roads and so on.  We also need laws in our family so that we can be happier and so that everyone can know what is expected.  Then ask the children for their input.  What laws do they suggest?  Make notes.  Then tell them that you as parent or parents will work on the laws and hold another family session when you are ready to discuss them.

After you (as parents) have decided on your family laws, write them on a chart and hold a second family session to explain them. 

We suggest five simple, one-word laws that children can fully understand and easily remember:                        

Discuss how each law makes family members happier.

Establish rewards to go with the keeping of each law and punishments to go with the breaking of each law.  This helps children learn cause and effect and understand elementary justice.
    

Certain laws also need specific punishments.  These should be as close to "natural consequences" as possible.  Some examples and suggestions:

• PEACE:  Set up a "repenting bench" where children who argue or fight have to sit together until they can tell you what they did wrong — not what the other kid did, but what they did.  Once they can give each other a hug and say "I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again," they can leave the repenting bench.
• RESPECT:  When a child answers you disrespectfully, say, "Let's start over," and repeat your request, expecting a more respectful answer.  Do this as many times as it takes.
• ASKING:  If a child does something or goes somewhere without permission, then the answer should be "no" next time to remind him.
• ORDER:  Other family members pick up a child's things and throw them on his bed.  He has to put them away that evening.
• OBEDIENCE:  Establish the trigger word or "password" of please.  The child's trigger response word is "Yes, Mother".  When a child doesn't obey, or forgets the response word, say, "Let's start over."  Ask him again, emphasizing "please."  If he still does not obey and say, "Yes Mother," send him to his room.

Add provisions for “repentance.”   This is a good opportunity to teach children the powerful values and skills of asking for and giving forgiveness.  Once family laws are established, along with rewards and punishments, add the principle of repentance.  Teach small children that repentance consists of saying you’re sorry for a specific thing, asking for forgiveness, and promising that you'll try never to do it again.

Try to use repentance rather than punishment wherever possible.  Let children avoid sitting on the fighting bench if they sincerely apologize to each other, or avoid going to their room (or time-out) if they say they're sorry for not obeying and quickly rectify the situation.

Set the example.  Show that justice and mercy are your values and that you too, are trying to learn to repent and forgive.  When you make a mistake, lose your temper, fail to meet one of your responsibilities that involve a child, and so forth make an obvious point of apologizing to the child and asking for forgiveness.
   

Strive to be viewed by your child not as one who is perfect but as one who is really trying to do better.
 
Be fair and consistent, but also tender and merciful.  Again, teach this value by example. It is important to try to let neither "rewardable" behavior nor punishable behavior go unnoticed. Try to be consistent.  On the other hand, don't make "quick justice" your whole goal.  Always opt for repentance and forgiveness first and only resort to punishment, showing your regret that it is necessary.

See you here next week for some specific and age specific methods for teaching
the Value of Justice and Mercy to kids of various ages.

Closing note: Many have asked if there are actual teaching tools to assist parents in teaching the Meridian family value of the month to their children. The Eyres have been involved with a series of values-teaching CDs called Alexander's Amazing Adventures, which give 5-14 year old children a vicarious (and dramatic) experience with each month's value. By special arrangement, Meridian readers who have been following this column and participating in the value of the month can now receive, as a free gift, the HONESTY CD from this series.  Simply send a self-addressed, stamped 5 X 7 or 8 X 10 envelope (the padded ones are best) to the Eyres at 1098 Augusta Way, Salt Lake City, Utah, 84108 and they will send you the gift CD.  (You will need to put $0.87 [87cents] in stamps or postage on your return envelope.) Please respond only if you have been reading and following the column, and please do not ask for more than one copy of the CD.  We hope this gift will help make the value-of-the-month concept even more effective within your family.