Week 2 of May: The Value of Kindness and Friendliness
In Connection with Richard and Linda Eyre

Editor's Note:  This month of May the Meridian Family Value of the month is KINDNESS AND FRIENDLINESS.  Click here to read this month's overview article). Each week during the month we will post an update in Meridian, illustrating a couple of the Eyres' favorite methods for teaching This important value to each age group.  Remember that you can also go to http://www.valuesparenting.com/ for still more ideas and teaching methods.  Thanks for your interest and participation.  There are tens of thousands of parents concentrating on this value this month.  It is a way of saving this somewhat unkind and unfriendly society of ours ― one family at a time!  Send us your feedback, and if you want a free children's CD on the value of Honesty, see the instructions at the bottom of this article.

Methods for Preschoolers

The “Magic” Words

Intrigue small children with the notion of using polite words. Tell the children any story that involves magic words — abracadabra, Rumpelstiltskin — or any story you want to make up. Then ask them is there is such a thing as real magic words — words that make good things happen when they are used.

The answer is yes. “Please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” and “you’re welcome” make people smile, make them feel better, make the world work better.

Explain this notion several times and prepare your children for the simple correction or reminder, “Remember to use the magic words!”

The Ugly-Fish Game

This game is a good way to help small children begin to grasp the idea that kindness can actually change the nature of those it is practiced upon. Put children on a coffee table, or chair, or couch and have them imagine that whatever they are on is a boat and that you are an “ugly fish” swimming around in the water (on the floor). Snap at them and growl and say, “I’m an ugly fish and I’m mean and I don’t like anybody!” Encourage the kids to say something like, “You’re not ugly. You’re rather nice looking.” Then instantly “transform” before their very eyes — smile, calm down and say, “I am? Oh… well. I’m sorry I snapped at you!”

Then let the children say you’re ugly and transform back. When they treat you nicely, turn nice again. Tell the preschoolers that people are like ugly fish. If you treat them nice, they become nice. If you treat them mean, they become mean.

Methods for Elementary School Age

The Icebreaker Award

Encourage your children to initiate conversation and make new friends. Have a card with an I.B. on it. Use the usual Sunday procedure for awards, asking who’s in the running for the Icebreaker Award. Encourage children to think through the week past and recall any instance when they introduced themselves, started a conversation, made a new friend, and so on. Give praise and encouragement for every effort.

Define “Gentleman”

Help your children — particularly boys — adopt the conscious goal of politeness. Ask children why invitations and speeches are often addressed to “ladies and gentlemen”? Ask, “What is a gentleman, and what is a lady?” Point out that politeness has always been a mark of respect and desirability. Ask, “What is the point of the word gentle being part of gentleman? Are men supposed to be gentle? Is it manly and macho to be gentle and polite?” Point out that all great people are gentle and polite, because they wish to help rather than to hurt.

Tell stories that emphasize how gentleness often goes hand in hand with strength — for example the Bible story of Samson; The Gentle Giant (a children’s book), and so on.

The “Catch an Eye” Game

This gives children practice in the friendly art of direct eye contact. When you are going somewhere with one or more children, particularly to a public place, have a contest to see who can “catch the most eyes.” To count someone, you must look at them unitl they glance back, then smile as you catch their eye. Count the ones that smile back and count separately the ones that don’t. The “smile-backers” are worth two points, the “glance but don’t smile” people are worth one point.

Richard was at a shopping mall with three of our children (ages nine, eleven, and twelve) one day when they held their first “catch an eye” contest. The game got quite competitive, and each of the children ended up with a score of more than one hundred.

Afterward, as we were driving home, Saydi observed, “It’s amazing how many people just look away the minute you catch their eye.”

Jonah added, “Yes, and they’re not near as fun as the ones who look back at you and smile. I think those are the happy ones.”

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Methods for Adolescents

Have a Dinner Party

This can help children focus on manners, politeness, and general friendliness. While it is a lot of trouble, a dinner party is a wonderful way to get children exposed to a pleasant situation of manners and conversation. Invite people who will foster friendliness. “Dress-rehearse” (with children) table manners, introduction methods, eye contact during conversation, what questions to ask, and so on.

Name Remembering

It’s a good idea to help adolescents learn to remember the names of the people they meet. Discuss with children the importance of people’s names. (The most important word to anyone is his own name!) Point out that remembering names is a great key in the art of making friends. Teach children that there are two techniques that work best to remember a name. One is to use the name several times in the conversation you have when you meet a person. Say, “Nice to meet you, Joyce. Where do you live, Joyce? Joyce, do you have a brother who works at Miller’s?” Another is to write the name down (on your planer, appointment book, notebook, etc.) as soon as possible after you meet. At the end of the day glance at the name again, associate it with the face, and it will be yours forever (or at least for some time!).

See you next week for more methods for all age groups.

Closing Note: Many have asked if there are actual teaching tools to assist parents in teaching the Meridian family value of the month to their children. The Eyres have been involved with a series of values-teaching CDs called Alexander's Amazing Adventures, which give 5-14 year old children a vicarious (and dramatic) experience with each month's value. By special arrangement, Meridian readers who have been following this column and participating in the value of the month can now receive, as a free gift, the HONESTY CD from this series.  Simply send a self-addressed, stamped 5 X 7 or 8 X 10 envelope (the padded ones are best) to the Eyres at 1098 Augusta Way, Salt Lake City, Utah, 84108 and they will send you the gift CD.  (You will need to put $0.87 [87cents] in stamps or postage on your return envelope.) Please respond only if you have been reading and following the column, and please do not ask for more than one copy of the CD.  We hope this gift will help make the value-of-the-month concept even more effective within your family.