Definition and Introductory Comments

We define the Value of Kindness and Friendliness as: 

Awareness that being kind and considerate is more admirable than being tough or strong.  The tendency to understand rather than confront.  Gentleness, particularly toward those who are younger or weaker. The ability to make and keep friends.  Helpfulness. Cheerfulness.

Simple kindness and friendliness is a great human value.  It involves parts of several other values, such as the empathy of the value of sensitivity and the boldness of the value of courage, but it is a very separate and different value from these.  This value is also partially an extension of the value of peaceability.  In peaceability, we try to teach children not to hurt and to avoid conflicts. Here, we teach the positive, pro-active side of being a friend, acting friendly and kind, and becoming more polite and courteous.

Friendliness and gentleness also apply to self.  Children who learn to be gentle and tolerant with themselves grow up to be less stressed and more relaxed and self-secure.

Simple friendliness (based on the earlier-established criteria and definition of a value as something that helps others and diminishes hurt in others) is a profound value.  Often a simple act of kindness or a word or two of extended friendship can change another person's attitude and mood for the rest of a day - and longer!

In trying to teach kindness and friendliness to our children, we once again realize that they are not lumps of clay to be molded as we choose, but seedlings - already who they are - ready to blossom if watered and fertilized and exposed to a lot of sunshine!

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Our oldest daughter had turned seventeen, was a high school senior, and was looking at universities and trying to decide where to apply. One day we visited a women's college and had a particularly pleasant and agreeable experience. As we left, we were discussion our impressions and trying to sort out just what it was that made this school and this campus so appealing and left us with such a good taste and such a good feeling.

The campus was beautiful, the course offerings were varied and interesting, but there was no particular thing about either that we could put our finger on as the cause of the warm feeling we had.

Then we realized that it was the consistent and sincere courtesy and friendliness of the people we had met. There seemed to be a tradition there not only of politeness but of going beyond the expected and being truly friendly and kind. Everyone extended a greeting. Everyone went out of their way to smile and make eye contact. 

It was the expected manner of behavior at the school and it impressed (and warmed) us more than any of the academic reputations or that physical facilities.

                                                                                     Richard

It might be interesting to note that even though we have managed to blossom a little, Richard and I were both very shy children. Two-thirds of our children also have shy tendencies in varying degrees and none has escaped the uncomfortable feeling of wondering if their friends will be nice to them that day. I remember as a young adolescent being so painfully shy that it was hard even to look at another person, let alone talk to someone.

Some of my childhood memories are very clear because they were so painful. And some of the feeling and the worry about not having friends are easy to recall. I've found that telling these experiences to our children and explaining that they are natural and normal for many children is the most productive and helpful thing I can do. Children who realize that their shyness is normal cease to worry about it as much, and as they decrease worrying, they also lose some of their shyness.

                                                                                      Linda

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Wherever your children fit on the scale of natural kindness and friendliness to others, there is always room for improvement on this important value of life.

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A friend of mine told me a story that I thought illustrated how parents can be kind and friendly o their own children and thus improve the rapport and feeling between them.

He came home from work one day, went into his "private" bathroom, and found his five-year-old Lulu, who loved trying to clean things, holding and empty cleanser can and standing over a bathtub that was overflowing with soap suds on the carpet. He nearly reacted the way most parents would have: "Lulu! You used way too much soap! You're ruining the carpet! You should never try to do things like this without help!"

But he had some especially tender feelings in his heart that day for Lulu, and he said, "Oh, Lu, you were trying to clean Dad's tub, weren't you?"

Little Lulu looked down and said, "But Daddy, I used way too much soap!" It was a tender, warm moment that ended up in a big hug.  

If the father had said, "You used way too much soap," Lulu would have said, probably with some bitterness or some hurt, "But Daddy, I was just trying to clean your tub!" It would have been an unpleasant, separating moment.

Sometimes we don't need to tell our children what they did wrong. They already know. If we are kind and gentle with them and come to their defense, they will say what we would have said, and the moment will be warm and the feeling will be right.

General Guidelines

Teach by example. Give your children clear and specific models for friendliness, kindness, and politeness. This value is one that cannot be overdone. During the month be extra friendly and polite to everyone, including your children. Use "please," "thank you," and "excuse me," profusely. Say nice things, Practice Emily Post etiquette in everything from opening doors and holding chairs for women to setting the table in a proper and special way. Even help children with their own jobs. Smile a lot.

Watch children respond. Once they get over the suspicion that you're putting them on or rehearsing for a part in some play, they will begin to mirror what see in you.

Have a "gentleness and politeness pact." This can create a mood of particular kindness and warmth in your home during this "month." Get together as a family as you start this month and discuss how pleasant a place the world is when people are kind and gentle. Ask the children to join you in a "pact of gentleness and politeness" for the month. Explain that this will mean a commitment of two "do's" and two "don'ts."

Do's:

• Be polite - say, "please," "thank you," and "excuse me," and look for chances to extend acts of courtesy.
• Smile and ask, "How are you?" Expect a real answer to the question and listen to it.

Don'ts:

• Don't yell or raise your voice or be critical of another.
• Don't say anything critical -- neither of someone else nor or yourself. (No, "I'm so stupid" or "I can't do anything right.")

Talk frequently about how things are going, how people feel, how hard it is to remember, and so on.

Decide where your child stands in his natural abilities to be kind and friendly. Know what your challenge is with each child. There is nothing quite like the joy one feels as a result of kindnesses to those who really need and appreciate it, whether it be a good deed for one little old man across the street or kindness on a more grander scale. However, kindness and friendliness are never as easy as they sound. Some children show their insecurities by pretending to be popular but putting other children down way that are outright cruel, while other shrinking violets are painfully shy children who spend all their time wondering why no one likes them. Others are genuinely well adjusted and naturally look for ways to be kind and friendly to those around them. Try to determine where your child fits in his natural abilities to be kind and friendly so that you know where to begin.

Encourage children of all ages to look people straight in the eye when they speak to them. This method, used earlier in the courage chapter, can also help children to convey interest or friendliness. For two of our shyest children, eye contact with adults seems almost impossible. One, particularly, must have decided before she was born not to speak with adults (other than family and close friends) unless it was an absolute emergency. For children like these, practice sessions before leaving for an encounter with an adult, or a new child in the neighborhood, would be very helpful. You play the role of the adult if the child is going to speak to an adult (a new teacher, for example) and have him practice looking straight in your eye and say something like "It's very nice to meet you." The dialogue will depend on the situation. Use another child in the family or a friend for the "rehearsal" if you need to polish up a bit before going to meet a new child in the neighborhood.  

Encourage your child's friends to come to your house. Although you may have to force yourself to tolerate the extra mess and noise, it is very valuable for you to see your children interacting with their friends. Actively listen to their conversation if you can do it without making it seem like eavesdropping.

We have been amazed at some of the interactions our children have had with friends. It gives us real insight into their patterns of thinking and helps us to help them be better friends through a little more thoughtfulness. We're even glad to know about the startlingly honest outburst from preschoolers, such as "Go home! I don't want to play with you anymore!"

Teach your child the value of relationships, not only with friends but with family. This will increase their appreciation of close "blood" relationships. During an evening meal every few months take time to reinforce the importance of having friends and being a friend. Foster and nourish the idea that even though outside friends are very important, the best friends they will ever have should be their brother and sister (as well as his or her parents). Childhood friends will come and go, but family members will last throughout life. Those friendships should be nurtured and treated with care.

You could even try a private game among family members. When one child is persecuting another or arguing or calling names in a way that he would not thin of doing with a friend, have the persecuted child say the word friend, which is a code word to the other child to lay off and begin treating him a little more like a friend. Although it may not work at the moment, it will help to raise the awareness of what they're doing. (The same game works for parents who talk to their children in less that glowing terms or vice versa). You could even suggest that when a child is angry or being rude to another family member, an on-looking child has a responsibility to walk up to the child being attacked, put his arm around him, and say, "Don't talk that way to one of my best friends."

The Comp Award. Encourage your children to find something they like about their friends and compliment them on it. At Sunday dinner we give a Comp Award to the child who can recall and tell about the nicest compliment given to another person. Use the giving of the award to generate a discussion about how to notice things and give sincere and specific compliments. Talk about what a compliment can do for its recipient.

Coming Up

See you here next week for some specific and age specific methods for teaching this wonderful value of Kindness and Friendliness to kids of various ages.