The Red-Marks-and-Black-Marks Chart

This exercise can help little children “keep track” and count incidents of respect and disrespect. Prepare a simple chart with the child’s (or children’s) name(s) on it. Explain that whenever he does something that shows disrespect (yells at Mom, interrupts, demands something without saying please, etc.), he will get a black mark. Whenever he is polite or uses good manners, he gets a red mark. Divide the chart by days and tell the child to see if he can get more red marks than black each day.

“Magic” Words

This can help young children want to use simple etiquette and politeness. Play a game where you “catch” the children and they say “abracadabra” to make you let them go. Then ask them if they want to learn some more magic words. Explain that please will often cause people to do things; thank you will help others feel happy inside; excuse me will help make friends, keep people calm, and so on.

Methods for Elementary School Age

“Election” of Family Traditions of Courtesy

This is a good way to help develop habits of respect. In a family home evening or around the dinner table, have a “vote” to pick three family traditions of politeness. Open the meeting to “nominations,” which could be anything from opening doors for people to looking people in the eye to saying thank you. Keep nominations open until you have at least six things on a list. Discuss their relative importance and vote on them. Each family member has three votes. Make up a chart showing the three winners, label it “Family Traditions” and put it up in a visible place.

Family Nontraditions — Deciding Together What Not to Do

This will focus the weight of family agreement on disrespectful acts. Have a similar “nominating and vote” night to pick the three worst and most disrespectful kinds of behavior. Nominees could include crude language or swearing, yelling at parents, crowding in line, and so on. After you have selected the “three worst,” see what children would propose as punishment for those who do them (e.g., going to their room for yelling at their parents).

Methods for Adolescents

Case Study

Telling this story can help adolescents see that their happiness is connected both to the respect they receive and to the respect they give:

A family went to live in a foreign country for a year while the father completed a research project. The two teenagers, partly because they were very homesick, were critical and disrespectful of everything. They hated the narrow roads, the different fashions, the wet weather, the strange shops. They criticized and complained to each other and to anyone who would listen. Their parents kept telling them to grow up, to quit being so silly, to shut up if they couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

Why were the two teenagers so unhappy? (They weren’t giving respect — respect leads to positive attitudes and feelings. And they weren’t receiving respect — their parents belittled their feelings instead of trying to understand.)

The “What Does It Lead To” Game

This game can help adolescent and late-elementary-age children see the ramifications of respect and of its opposite. Do an arrow diagram on a chart or blackboard. Start with respect and rudeness and then let the children think of words they lead to.

For example: