As
the last two illustrate, you can have some fun with the game. But the bottom
line is helping small children begin to understand the value of moderation.
We
were trying to explain the concept of discipline and moderation to our four-year-old,
Eli, as it related to watching television, and having very limited success.
We
have a fairly rigid “no TV” rule for weekdays, and this little guy was arguing
that they rule was just for the school kids who had homework. “I don’t start
school until next year,” he said, “so I should get to watch cartoons. All
you ever let me see is ‘Sesame Street.’”
Help
sometimes comes from unexpected sources. Our very quantitative fourteen-year-old
overhead the conversation and came in, spouting some statistics he had heard
at school.
“The
average American family has a TV turned on for nearly seven hours a day,”
he announced, “up from three and half hours in 1970. At that rate a kid like
Eli would see nearly forty thousand hours of TV by the time he was eighteen.”
The
complexity of that argument went way over Eli’s head, but he idolizes his
older brother so much that he gave up the argument!
Methods for Elementary School Age
Music
Lessons
Education
in music offers a clear challenge and focal point for self-discipline. This
is not an easy way to teach this value, but it can be extremely effective.
Although almost all parents would love to have their children involved in
music lessons, the extent of discipline necessary to succeed is sometimes
quite high. Most children are initially excited about learning to play in
instrument. Those who are disciplined enough to get themselves on a routine
practice schedule and stick to it are rare!
The
parent walks a fine line here. Linda can clearly remember her mother standing
over her while tears streamed down her face because she couldn’t go out and
play until her practicing was done. I remember her saying with firm conviction,
“Someday you’ll thank me for this!”
Although
Linda spent many hours producing angry fumes and dumping gallons of tears,
she was absolutely right! Linda went on to major in music in college and found
that music added quality and depth and self-esteem to her life.
Starting
children on a musical instrument often requires buying an alarm clock for
the child to help him get himself up in the morning and lots of reminders
of where practicing fits on the list of priorities of the home getting the
practicing done often requires every reward, praise, threat, or bribe that
parents can think of and then some.
Linda
has learned that music is not worth destroying a relationship with a child
over. One year she found herself nagging, pushing, pulling and prodding on
of our sons — who, incidentally, was quite talented in music — to the point
where they really didn’t like each other much. When she realized what was
happening, she had him quit lessons and immediately their relationship improved.
After
a year’s break, this son was back at the keyboard. After a long talk he agreed
that he would try to discipline himself more to practice, and Linda agreed
to discipline herself to quit nagging him about practicing. They both did
better!
Music-practice
philosophy in different homes ranges from “You don’t have to practice every
day — only the days you want to eat,” to “Practice while you can; enjoy it
while it lasts.” Decide where you belong on the spectrum and use it as a great
way to teach discipline — for both parent and child!
Teach
Your Children How to Set and Reach Goals
This
does not mean only on New Year’s Day, although that can be a start. If you
take the time to sit down with them and talk about their goals for the coming
year, they can think of all kinds of wonderful things. Sometimes they learn
that their enthusiasm outdistances reality, but it is a good learning process.
On
the first Sunday of every month, encourage children to set goals for the month
ahead. Weekly goals can also be set, even by children as young as three or
four. (Drawing pictures of a goal is as good as writing them down…sometimes
better.)
Praise
Praise
helps reinforce and perpetuate this value. This simple word is probably the
most important concept in teaching values to children and is especially crucial
for children who are trying to learn discipline themselves. Instead of expressing
irritation to children for not getting household jobs done, express —honestly
— praise and delight every time they do. Instead of saying to yourself, “I
can’t believe Jill is doing the dishes without being told,” say something
out loud like, “I can’t tell you how much it lightens my load to have you
see the dinner mess and get it cleaned up my without even having to ask you
to do it. You are getting so good at seeing what needs to be done and doing
it on your own initiative!” the chances of the child repeating that act of
self-discipline increases tenfold — on the spot!
The
next time you walk through the family room and see two or three children playing
nicely together, stop and tell them how it makes you feel, instead of getting
angry at them when they argue.
Every
attempt to give honest praise is a solid-gold investment.
Methods for Adolescents
Agree
on Policies for Discipline
Give
your teenagers the limits that provide security, convince them of your concern,
and vie them opportunities for the exercise of discipline. Sit down with your
adolescent and decide together on some guidelines and standards that will
help him exercise discipline and moderation as he moves into and through his
teenage years. Some suggestions:
- Decide on a curfew. There is really no need (or
very seldom a need) for extremely late hours. An amazing percentage of problems
occur after midnight.
- Limit the number of nights out. Limit television,
limit things that need moderation. A mutually agreed on limit will help
a teenager to exercise discipline more easily.
- Date one person no more than twice in a row. Require
a date with someone else before a third date occurs with the same person.
Introduce
a Simple Planning System
This
can help elementary and adolescent age children manage their time and energy
— and also promote the development of spontaneity as a companion to discipline.
Try (for yourself) and teach adolescent children the following basic daily
planning system:
- At the top of a planning page list on single priority
for the day for work (or school), one for family, and one for self.
- Then put a vertical line down the middle of the
planning page, list the things you need to do that day (including the three
priorities) by time (hour) on the left-hand side
- Leave the right-hand side of the page blank — then
watch for spontaneous or serendipitous things (unplanned happy accidents)
that are better or more worthwhile than some of what is on your list. Try
to meet the three priorities and to do at least one or two spontaneous things
each day.
Try
this system together for a week or two. Then discuss your individual results
in a family discussion.
Methods for Preschoolers