M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Week 4 of October: Self Reliance and Potential
In Connection with Richard and Linda Eyre

Editor’s Note:  This month the Meridian Family Value of the month is Self Reliance and Potential. Each week during the month we will post an update in Meridian, illustrating a couple of the Eyres’ favorite methods for teaching Self Reliance and Potential to each age group.

Methods for Preschoolers

Praise Creativity and Emphasize Individuality and Originality

Help your children to like their own unique selves. Just as small children need to hear the sound of letters over and over and over again before they learn to read, so also they need to hear their own unique abilities praised time after time before they actually believe in themselves and increase how much they like who they are. Simple as it sounds, the key “connection” of this month’s value is that children who like themselves become capable of relying on themselves, of accepting responsibility and of reaching for their full potential. Praise every effort you see them making — from drawing a picture to trying to tie their shoe. Look constantly for new things they learn to do or for any sort of aptitude at which they seem particularly good.

Help a child see that he is unique by making up an “I am special” book with a front cover tracing his silhouette, and with his height, weight, eye color, favorite food, most fun activity, best skills, and so on written inside. Help him understand that there is no one, anywhere, who is exactly like him.

Help children to learn to say, when they face something they can’t do, “I can’t do —, but I can do —.” This will help them later on to accept their weak points with their strengths.

The “Good-Sport Game”

This game helps teach small children the principles of sportsmanship and of not blaming others. To set up this simple game, you will need a pair of dice — actually one die will do; a kitchen pan with either a bean bag or some other soft object to throw into it, and any game-board with markers that move around it from start to finish. (A Monopoly board will work, or you can make up a simple board on cardboard or paper that has about fifty spaces from start to finish.)

Each child on his first turn tosses the die and moves his marker the number of (from one to six) that comes up. On his second turn a child tries to toss the beanbag into the pan from a few feet away. If it goes in, he moves his marker six spaces. If it hits the pan, but doesn’t go in, he moves four. And if it comes close, he moves two. On his third turn he rolls the die again, on his fourth he tosses the beanbag again, and so forth.

It is your discussion during the after this game that teaches principles of sportsmanship and self-reliance. When a child rolls the die, say something like, “What did you get?” (A three.) “Is that good?” (I guess.) “Is it as good as a six?” (No.) “Whose fault is it that you didn’t get a six?” (Nobody’s.) “It just happened, didn’t it? Some things aren’t anyone’s fault. Should we be upset when we get a three, or a one?” (No.) “That’s right. You’ll probably do better next time. Let’s just be happy we’re all playing the game.”

When a child throws the beanbag, ask questions like, “What did you get?” (A one, because I came close.) “Do you wish you’d get a six?” (Yes.) “Whose fault is it that you didn’t get a six? Is it the beanbag’s fault?” (No.) “Is it the pan’s fault?” (No.) Is it Billy’s fault for laughing when you tossed?” (No, not really.) “Is it your fault?” (I guess.) “But you tried, didn’t you?” (Yes.) “Then it’s not anyone’s fault, is it? You’ll just try again next time.”

As a child gets a high roll say, “Oh, good — lucky for you.” And as he gets a low roll say, “Oh, well, better luck next time.” As he does well with the bean bag, say, “Great job!” and as he missed, say, “Nice try.” Encourage other children to say the same kinds of things.

When a child wins, be sure you and the other players congratulate him, and make sure he is a good winner and says, “I was lucky. Maybe you’ll win next time.” Be sure good losers are praised as much as good winners. Tell them that in the Good-Sport Game everyone wins who is a good sport, no matter where his marker is on the board.

Introduce the term good sport. Explain sportsmanship as being a good winner and a good loser who doesn’t blame other people for what happened. Explain why everyone loves a good sport.

Then watch for chances to compliment children on any good sportsmanship they show in normal activities.

Methods for Elementary School Age

Memorizing

Plant the concept of self-reliance and full potential in your children’s minds. There is a simple song from a little-known children’s manual that we are very fond of. The first verse goes: I’m the one who writes my own story, I decide the person I’ll be. What goes in the plot, and what does not, is pretty much up to me.

Have your elementary school age children memorize these lines. Explain the meaning and the writing metaphor. Discuss two basic questions in connection with the saying: (1) If something doesn’t go just right for us, who is usually to blame? (Ourselves.) and (2) Why is it important to be the best we can be (That’s how we write the best story.)

A second phrase that could be memorized during this month is “Good is the enemy of best.”

Older elementary age children will appreciate the interesting and somewhat subtle meaning of this phrase and will enjoy a discussion about how being content with “good” can keep us from discovering our very best. You might use some examples that compare good with best – a school grade of B instead of A, just “getting by” on our music lessons instead of learning the pieces perfectly, and so forth.

(Note: One way to motivate memorizing is to offer “extra points” on the peg system described earlier in this chapter. For example, a child who learned the saying might be able to add one or two extra pegs to his total during the Saturday payday.)

Emphasize Sportsmanship

Help your children consciously define sportsmanship as doing one’s best and being gracious and blaming no one but themselves for the results. As elementary-age children become involved in sports and other competitive activities, take every opportunity to praise effort and sportsmanship. Emphasize these two things far more than winning. Help children see that it is immature to blame others and mature to accept an outcome and be gracious to one’s opponent. Once again praise self-improvement and trying and deemphasize winning and losing.

Methods for Adolescents

Reassure “Late Bloomers”

This can help slow-maturing adolescents retain a good self-image. Have an open discussion with young adolescents about puberty and hormonal changes (as mentioned in the “peaceability” unit). Include the point that each person matures on a different timetable. If you have a slow-maturing adolescent, assure him that he will catch up and that there are some advantages to a slower pace. If you can find the great Irwin Shaw short story “The Eighty-Yard Run,” read it out loud together. It is the story of a boy who makes a great run in his first game and then finds everything else to be anticlimactic. It is a good story to illustrate the advantages of gradual development and progress.

*

One of our daughters is wonderfully persuasive and has school debate trophies as well as an undefeated record in family arguments to show for it! The only problem with this gift is that it lends itself so well to the making of excuses and makes it so very hard to admit fault, accept blame, or apologize.

One day we read a short article by C.S. Lewis on the difference between asking to be excused and asking to be forgiven. She was impressed with the difference and understood that the former involves a little real effort and can push people farther apart. The latter creates a warmth that pulls people together.

We decided together that picking out what we have done that is wrong, and taking blame without excuse, is the essence of good human relations as well as the heart of self-reliance.

*

Good luck with this value and with these methods. Send your own ideas to meridianvalues.com and be sure to visit the Eyres at www.valuesparenting.com!

Click here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.