Editor’s Note:  This month the Meridian Family Value of the month is Self Reliance and Potential. Each week during the month we will post an update in Meridian, illustrating a couple of the Eyres’ favorite methods for teaching Self Reliance and Potential to each age group.

Methods for Preschoolers

Give Your Children Opportunities to Do and Decide Things for Themselves

This will help small children gain the beginning sprouts of self-reliance and self-confidence. As much and as early as possible, let children dress themselves, do small household jobs, decide which shirt to wear or which color of juice to drink, get themselves in and out of cars, highchairs, and so on, and help you even when it would be easier without their help. As they accomplish even the smallest things, praise them and emphasize their ability to do things for themselves and by themselves.

Keeping “Records”

This is a good way to help young children feel the joy of improving on their own. Competitive instincts generally begin to run high in four- and five-year-olds. If these drives are too focused on winning over or beating others, lots of insecurity as well as intolerance can result. Help children learn the concept of competing with themselves by setting up some simple “personal records” (anything from how fast they can get ready for bed to how far they can throw a ball). Let them try to beat their own record — not to compare themselves with others. In this type of activity you will find many opportunities to talk about doing one’s best, practicing, trying, improving, and so on. With older preschoolers you can even introduce the term potential and help them understand that the word means looking for our own best.

Methods for Elementary School Age

Let Your Children Buy Their Own Clothes

This can help children feel both the pleasures and the pitfalls of taking responsibility and being self-reliant. Once children have a way of earning their own money (the peg system that was explained in our last article — they should also have some responsibility for what they do with that money. Having them buy all their own clothes and personal effects with “their money” can provide tremendous learning experiences.

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In our family, when a child turns eight, we take him on a special “mommy-daddy date” to a nice restaurant and essentially induct him into the world of self-reliant adults. We tell him how proud we are of him and flatter him by telling him that we think he is now old enough to earn more money from the pegs, to help more with the smaller children, and to start choosing and buying all of his own clothes with his own money.

They certainly make mistakes. Sometimes they spend more than they should on certain things. Often they spend too much and save too little. They buy things they’ll have little chance of wearing and forget things they really need.

But they learn. Experience and trial and error are extremely swift teachers. The bottom line is self-reliance. And we’ve come to believe that the mistakes of eight year olds are not serious, while the mistakes of eighteen year olds who have just received responsibility can be deadly. In today’s society, children are often given license too early and responsibility too late.

Eight is a marvelous and unique age. Eight-year-olds are old enough to take initiative and make thoughtful, reasoned choices, yet they are young enough to be flattered by responsibilities and to accept it without the cynicism and resistance of children a couple years older.

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Consult Rather Than Manage

Put yourself in a role that maximizes your children’s development of self-reliance and self-knowledge. Try not to take initiative away from your child. Suggest rather than command whenever possible. Ask if he needs help rather than forcing it on him. Try to notice what he likes and where his natural gifts and abilities lie rather than trying to decide what he will do and what he should be good at.

When he asks you to do his homework, say no — but tell him you’ll check it after he’s done and tell him if it’s right and help him on the parts he’s tried to do but still doesn’t understand.

As children are old enough to understand the terms, tell them that you want to be their consultant and not their manager. Explain that they are the ones who have to decide what they will do and how well they will do it and that you want to help but not force. (Be sure they can separate this consulting help and guidance that relate to their choices from the laws and absolutes that govern their behavior.

Methods for Adolescents

Discussion of Politics

This works to help adolescents see the practicality as well as the honor in accepting blame rather than making up excuses or cover-ups. At dinner or some other opportune time see how much your children know about current events, or even “ancient history” such as Watergate and the Iran-contra affair. Help them with details if necessary so that they know that Watergate involved a break-in and some illegal acts followed by a cover-up and that Iran-contra involved selling arms illegally to Iran and funneling proceeds to the contras in Central America.

Ask if both the break-in and the arms sales and fund diversions were illegal (Yes.) ask what the difference was in how the two presidents responded (Nixon made excuses, participated in a cover-up, was not able to accept blame and be self-reliant in terms of admitting his mistakes. Reagan accepted blame and apologized publicly — to some extent at least — for mishandling or being ill-informed on events.) Did the public judge the two men differently? (Most certainly.) How could this principle apply to us? (Discuss.)

Good luck with this value and with these methods. Send your own ideas to meridianvalues.com and be sure to visit the Eyres at www.valuesparenting.com!

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Linda and Richard Eyre, parents of nine children and authors (together and individually) of more than thirty books, are now focusing on reaching families and individuals online. Through their web sites www.valuesparenting.com, http://www.theeyres.com/, and http://www.familynightlessons.com/, their frequent media appearances on shows such as Oprah, The CBS Early Show, The Today Show, and BYU Television, and their world-wide lecture tours, they continue to work at their mission statement – "FORTIFY FAMILIES, popularize parenting, validate values, and bolster balance."

Linda is a teacher and musician and founder of "Joy Schools." She was named by the National Council of Women as one of America's six outstanding young women. Richard, a former mission president in London and candidate for Utah governor, was the director of the White House Conference on Parents and Children for President Reagan. Both of the Eyres have served on numerous civic, arts, university, and humanitarian boards and head a foundation that focuses on the needs of third world children.

Meridian Family Value Archive