M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Week 2 of October, Self-Reliance and Potential
In Partnership with Richard and Linda Eyre

Editor’s Note:  This month the Meridian Family Value of the month is Self Reliance and Potential. Each week during the month we will post an update in Meridian, illustrating a couple of the Eyres’ favorite methods for teaching Self Reliance and Potential  to each age group:

Methods for Preschoolers

The “Repenting Bench” Revisited

This method helps small children take responsibility for their own actions rather than blaming others. The “repenting bench” (from last month’s value, “Peaceability”) is a technique to correct any form of fighting (from physical to verbal). It involves sitting the two “opponents” on an uncomfortable bench and allowing a child to get off only when he can tell you what he (not the other child) did wrong. In addition to being a way to end fights, this is also an exercise in self-reliance and in accepting responsibitliy rather than blaming others.

Natural Consequence Punishments and Rewards

These can help preschoolers understand that their actions produce good and bad consequences. Try to set up a system in your family that fosters self-reliance by relating rewards and punishments directly to performance. The example that follows may not fit for you, but it may help you adopt a system that works in your family.

For years now the meaning of responsibility in our family has revolved around the pegboard that each child has in our kitchen. There are four big blocky pegs hanging from small chains for each child. He can put his first peg in when he has done his “morning things” (made his bed, brushed his teeth, come to breakfast on time, etc). He can put in his second peg when he has done his daily household job (a very simple job for a preschoolers, such as pushing the chairs in after a meal). He can put in his third peg when he has “practiced.” (They practice their musical instrument when they are old enough to take lessons.  Before that age they practice reading basic words or drawing or some other simple skill.)  He can put in his fourth peg when he has done his “evening things” (brushed his teeth, gotten ready for bed on time, etc).

At the end of the week have a Saturday “payday.” The amount of the child’s allowance is determined by how many pegs he put in (children keep track by putting a number on a slip of paper each day — the number of pegs up in — and getting Mom or Dad to initial the slip).

This peg system is primarily for elementary-age children. We don’t push preschoolers into it. But when a four- or five-year-old begins to want an allowance, to want a family job, or to want to study music, we give him a pegboard and get him started.

On “payday” at the end of the week there is no criticism of a child who has not put many pegs in. Rather there is praise (along with monetary reward) for any child who has been self-reliant and taken the initiative necessary to get the reward.

Methods for Elementary School Age

Give Initiative — and Don’t Take it Back!

Let the laws of natural consequences work in your children’s day-to-day lives. As children turn seven or eight years old, try fully to implement the peg system described in the preceding section. Be sure they understand that the amount of their allowance on “payday” will be determined by how many pegs they put in. encourage and remind them about their pegs of the first couple of weeks, but then sit them down and explain that from now on “it’s up to you.” You’ll not be thinking about it or reminding them. If they remember and if they take the initiative, they’ll be rewarded and happy on payday. If they don’t, they’re likely to be sad and left out on payday.

Have the patience to let them suffer the “no money” consequences of forgetting, or procrastinating, or of inconsistency in getting their pegs in. say, “Whose fault is it?” and help them to see that it all depends on them, that they can do better next time and that they can be self-reliant!

The Self-Starter Award

Each week during this month, perhaps at the Sunday dinner table, present the Self-Starter Award to the family member who has taken the most initiative (acted without being asked or reminded) in getting his job done, pegs in, homework done, and so on. As always with awards, ask, “Who thinks they are in the running for the Self-Starter Award for last week?” Help them think through and review the week just past and praise them for every instance of self-starting or initiative-taking. Be sure they understand that self-starting means doing things without being asked or reminded and doing more than was expected, or “going the extra mile.”

Methods for Adolescents

The Gift List

The method will help young adolescents appreciate their uniqueness and will give you an opportunity to give them specific praise. Pick a segment of time when you are alone with your child — perhaps while driving somewhere together — and discuss his specific gifts and talents. Ask him what he thinks he’s particularly good at. Tell him your observations about his attributes and aptitudes. Be as specific as you can. Little things (“You always keep your school books in order”) are as important as big things (“You have a great aptitude for math — for anything quantitative”).

Let the discussion evolve into how unique each person is and how important it is, especially as we get older, to value and appreciate what we are rather than to waste time envying others.

The Problem List

This method can help adolescents focus on their shortcomings without inducing insecurity. Following your discussion on gifts, ask your adolescent what he considers to be his greatest weaknesses or problems. Keep your tone academic as well as interested. Do not imply either criticism or pity. Listen. Don’t say too much.

Help him realize that each problem or concern he thinks of does have a solution. There are things we can do about each of them. We can rely on ourselves (and on our faith in a higher power) to literally change who we are.

Good luck with this value and with these methods. Send your own ideas to www.meridianvalues.com, and be sure to visit the Eyres at www.valuesparenting.com!

Click here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.