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 Week
2 of October, Self-Reliance and Potential
In Partnership with Richard and Linda Eyre
Editor’s Note: This month the Meridian Family Value of the month is
Self Reliance
and Potential. Each week during the month we will
post an update in Meridian, illustrating a couple of the Eyres’
favorite methods for teaching Self Reliance and
Potential to each age group:
Methods
for Preschoolers
The “Repenting Bench” Revisited
This
method helps small children take responsibility for their own
actions rather than blaming others. The “repenting bench” (from
last month’s value, “Peaceability”) is a technique to correct any form of fighting
(from physical to verbal). It involves sitting the two “opponents”
on an uncomfortable bench and allowing a child to get off only
when he can tell you what he (not the other child) did wrong.
In addition to being a way to end fights, this is also an exercise
in self-reliance and in accepting responsibitliy rather than blaming others.
Natural Consequence Punishments and Rewards
These
can help preschoolers understand that their actions produce
good and bad consequences. Try to set up a system in your family
that fosters self-reliance by relating rewards and punishments
directly to performance. The example that follows may not fit
for you, but it may help you adopt a system that works in your
family.
For years now the meaning of responsibility in our family
has revolved around the pegboard that each child has in our
kitchen. There are four big blocky pegs hanging from small chains
for each child. He can put his first peg in when he has done
his “morning things” (made his bed, brushed his teeth, come
to breakfast on time, etc). He can put in his second peg when
he has done his daily household job (a very simple job for
a preschoolers, such as pushing the chairs in after a
meal). He can put in his third peg when he has “practiced.”
(They practice their musical instrument when they are old enough
to take lessons. Before that age they practice reading basic
words or drawing or some other simple skill.) He can put in
his fourth peg when he has done his “evening things” (brushed
his teeth, gotten ready for bed on time, etc).
At the end of the week have a Saturday “payday.” The amount of the child’s allowance is determined by
how many pegs he put in (children keep track by putting a number
on a slip of paper each day — the number of pegs up in — and
getting Mom or Dad to initial the slip).
This peg system is primarily for elementary-age children.
We don’t push preschoolers into it. But when a four- or five-year-old
begins to want an allowance, to want a family job, or to want
to study music, we give him a pegboard and get him started.
On “payday” at the end of the week there is no criticism
of a child who has not put many pegs in. Rather there is praise
(along with monetary reward) for any child who has been self-reliant
and taken the initiative necessary to get the reward.
Methods
for Elementary School Age
Give Initiative — and Don’t Take it Back!
Let
the laws of natural consequences work in your children’s day-to-day
lives. As children turn seven or eight years old, try fully
to implement the peg system described in the preceding section.
Be sure they understand that the amount of their allowance on
“payday” will be determined by how many pegs they put in. encourage
and remind them about their pegs of the first couple of weeks,
but then sit them down and explain that from now on “it’s up
to you.” You’ll not be thinking about it or reminding them.
If they remember and if they take the initiative, they’ll be
rewarded and happy on payday. If they don’t, they’re likely
to be sad and left out on payday.
Have
the patience to let them suffer the “no money” consequences
of forgetting, or procrastinating, or of inconsistency in getting
their pegs in. say, “Whose fault is it?” and help them to see
that it all depends on them, that they can do better next time
and that they can be self-reliant!
The Self-Starter Award
Each
week during this month, perhaps at the Sunday dinner table,
present the Self-Starter Award to the family member who has
taken the most initiative (acted without being asked or reminded)
in getting his job done, pegs in, homework done, and so on.
As always with awards, ask, “Who thinks they are in the running
for the Self-Starter Award for last week?” Help them think through
and review the week just past and praise them for every instance
of self-starting or initiative-taking. Be sure they understand
that self-starting means doing things without being asked or
reminded and doing more than was expected, or “going the extra
mile.”
Methods
for Adolescents
The Gift List
The
method will help young adolescents appreciate their uniqueness
and will give you an opportunity to give them specific praise.
Pick a segment of time when you are alone with your child —
perhaps while driving somewhere together — and discuss his specific
gifts and talents. Ask him what he thinks he’s particularly
good at. Tell him your observations about his attributes and
aptitudes. Be as specific as you can. Little things (“You always
keep your school books in order”) are as important as big things
(“You have a great aptitude for math — for anything quantitative”).
Let
the discussion evolve into how unique each person is and how
important it is, especially as we get older, to value and appreciate
what we are rather than to waste time envying others.
The Problem List
This
method can help adolescents focus on their shortcomings without
inducing insecurity. Following your discussion on gifts,
ask your adolescent what he considers to be his greatest weaknesses
or problems. Keep your tone academic as well as interested.
Do not imply either criticism or pity. Listen. Don’t
say too much.
Help
him realize that each problem or concern he thinks of does
have a solution. There are things we can do about each of
them. We can rely on ourselves (and on our faith in a higher
power) to literally change who we are.
Good
luck with this value and with these methods. Send your own ideas
to www.meridianvalues.com,
and be sure to visit the Eyres at www.valuesparenting.com!
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Meridian Magazine.
All Rights Reserved.
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