Courage — The Meridian Family Value of the Month
In Partnership with Richard and Linda Eyre
In Partnership with Richard and Linda Eyre
Welcome to the first installment, the first unit, the first value in the Meridian Family Value of the Month series (click here to read the explanatory introductory column; you can also go to www.valuesparenting.com for additional information on each value).
Through
the year ahead we will focus on one particular and specific value
that all parents want for their children (and for themselves).
For a complete list of the Meridian Family Values, read the introductory
story.
There is something beautiful and powerful about half a million Meridian reader families all focusing their attention on the same value each month! In addition to this first-of-the-month kickoff article, there will be ideas and methods for teaching different age kids that will appear throughout the month, under the same masthead as today’s article. You are also invited to post your own ideas and methods for teaching this value (and to read the ideas of other readers) by writing to value@meridianmagazine.com.
August’s Value: Courage
Now, we start our series with the value of COURAGE (a good place to start since all values require courage to be implemented). What do we mean by courage? We will define it as follows: Daring to attempt difficult things that are good. Strength not to follow the crowd, to say no and mean it and influence others by it. Being true to convictions and following good impulses even when they are unpopular or inconvenient. Boldness to be outgoing and friendly.
Here are a couple of incidents from our own family that define the concept further:
First, look in on a discussion Richard remembers having with our son Talmadge:
Eight-year-old Talmadge: “Yeah, it takes real courage to be a chicken.”
Dad: “What do you mean by that?”
Talmadge: “Well, I mean, like if kids are trying to get you to do something that you don’t think is right, or it’s really, really dangerous, and they’re saying you’re chicken, it takes real courage to be a chicken and say, ‘Yeah, I’m a chicken.’”
Dad: “Now why couldn’t I have said it like that?”
We had been talking about courage, and I’d been trying, in my long-winded way, to explain the difference between the true courage of being a leader for the right, standing up for what you believe, and resisting peer pressure and the false courage of accepting dares, taking risks, and being foolhardy. I had been trying to communicate the idea that real bravery was an inner thing, closely related to integrity and being true to yourself, and unrelated to the sort of outward bravado and macho chance taking that seems to be the message of so much of our media.
It was there that Talmadge interrupted with, “Yeah, it takes real courage to be a chicken.”
On another occasion, our family moved to England for six months with two objectives: first, to get away from interruptions and commitments long enough to finish some writing; second, to get the children into British schools for a couple of terms to broaden their horizons.
After the first four months we were meeting the first objective and going pretty well on the second — with the exception of ten-year-old Jonah. Fate had dealt him a schoolteacher who went beyond the expected British firmness and discipline and was just plain mean. And among the usually polite British children in his class were a couple of boys who picked on him, and a whole group who tried to get him to use bad language. On top of it all, Jonah got a respiratory infection that turned into pneumonia and put him into the hospital. By the time he recovered, there were only two or three weeks of the school year left, and Jonah, quite naturally, could see very little point in going back — and a big bunch of reasons for staying home.
We
expected that if he didn’t go back, he would always view the
He couldn’t quite bring himself to a commitment to go back for the rest of the term, but he finally worked up the spark of courage to say he’d go back to see how bad it was.
At that point we decided it was time to leave as little as possible to chance. We visited privately with his teacher, telling her the situation and asking her to try to give more encouragement and less criticism. I walked to school the first day with Jonah, tried to meet several of his classmates, and talked with them about American football, their favorite subject, hoping that Jonah would feel comfortable continuing the conversation.
And then we praised Jonah. Oh, how we praised him. “What courage, Jonah — what courage to go and do something that hard!”
It turned out to be a great experience. He worked hard and got some A’s those last few weeks. He tried hard to follow instructions and got some commendations form his usually critical teacher. And he tried hard to have social interaction with classmates, but was strong in refusing to swear or use their bad language. Two or three of them admired him for it, became his friends and pen pals.
We had tried to help Jonah implement courage, and his situation had helped us to define what the word meant.
So…courage means doing the right thing when it’s hard (and even if it means being called a “chicken”).
Children can learn what courage is through stories, games, role-playing, and discussion, but they can learn to have it and to show it only through your example and through your lavish praise of their example (or even of their attempts).
General Guidelines
Praise their attempts. Reward the smallest evidence of courage in children of any age. By definition courage is hard. It usually requires the overcoming of a thumping heart and a mind full of uncertainty. When a child takes this step and makes a try, he deserves bounteous praise. And the praise should be for the courage to attempt, whether there was success or not. Praise the trying of a new food, the speaking to a new friend, the attempt to build a difficult model, the reading of a hard book, the trying of an unfamiliar activity. Especially praise moral courage — not going along with others who were doing something wrong, telling the truth when a lie would have been easier, and so forth.
Teach by your own example — show courage and point it out. Give your children a parental model for courage. Tell your children about difficult things you do — not in a bragging or boastful way but in a candid way that lets them know that things are difficult for big people too. If you had a hard assignment, tell them about it. If you spoke to someone who had made you feel uncomfortable, tell them about it. If you said no to some peer pressure, tell them. Think of past things as well as current situations.
Clarify the difference between courage and “loudness,” and between the lack of courage and shyness. This will help your children see that courage is a quality of character, not personality. If you have one or more particularly shy children, see that they understand that you are not trying to teach them to be louder or more assertive. Talk with them about quiet courage — the courage to say no to something that is wrong, the courage to say hello to a child who has no friends. Explain that everyone’s heart pounds a little, that we’re all a little scared, but that we can do what is right anyway.
Help your children understand the makeup of courage. The key to teaching courage to children of all ages to realize that preparation and faith or belief (not just “red blood”) make up courage. Our children will have courage if they are properly prepared, whether it is by thinking through decisions in advance and teaching them how to say no with confidence or by encouraging them to practice a piano piece for a recital and helping them to feel confident that they can perform well. Having faith in themselves to be able to do what they know is right is the key to courage. Children can realize that faith lies not in believing that something will turn up but in believing that they can turn something up.
Age-Specific Methods
Let us now give you some of our age-specific methods for teaching the value of courage. We will be posting other ideas here as the month plays out and you can go to the values workshop click on the Meridian home page to see ideas from other readers or to post your own.
For Preschoolers:
The Story of the Fast Heart
Telling the following story can help small children overcome the fear that often blocks even small acts of courage, and help them realize that it is normal and okay to feel scared:
Betsy’s heart was thumping. She was at swimming class, and her teacher wanted her to jump off of the diving board and swim to the side. She knew she could do it — she could easily swim that far, but it looked so far down to the water form up here on the board. She hadn’t thought it would look this high. She wanted to turn around and walk back off the board, but she also wanted to jump in and swim. Her heart was pounding.
Betsy took a deep breath and jumped. She plopped into the water and swam to the side. How great she felt! She had done it. She smiled from ear to ear.
The next weekend Betsy’s dad took her to a movie. She had such a good time and on the way home she wanted to slide right over by her daddy and put her hand on his shoulder and tell him how much she loved him. But her dad was a very dignified and proper man and she wasn’t sure he would like her to say that. Maybe he’d think she was “mushy” or silly and maybe he wouldn’t say anything. But she wanted to put her arm around her daddy and say, “I love you.” She felt like it would be the right thing to do. Her heart was pounding as she sat in the quiet car, looking at her dad and trying to decide what to do.
She remembered that her heart had pounded before she jumped off the diving board — and she remembered how great she felt after she jumped. She lid over by her dad, hugged his arm and said, “Thanks for the movie, Daddy, it was great. I love you!” Her dad, because he was a quiet man, didn’t say much, but he put his hand on her arm and said, “Thanks, honey,” in a lovely, warm voice. Betsy looked up at him and thought she saw a tear on her father’s cheek. Her heart was still now, and she felt even better than when she’d jumped into the pool.
For Elementary-Age Kids:
The “Leader for the Right” Award
Awarding this to a family member allows you to recognize and praise the courage children have shown. Have a “traveling” L.F.R. (Leader for the Right) Award that you give to some family member each Sunday at the dinner table. Ask: “Who is in the running this week for the Leader for the Right Award?” Have family members (including parents) think back through the week just passed, trying to recall a time when they had a chance to stand up for what they believe –- a time when “the crowd” was doing something wrong or dangerous or harmful and you said no or tried to talk them our of it, or a time when you did something right on your own, even if no one else was.
We were sitting in the family room one evening reading a bedtime story to six-year-old Noah and three-year-old Eli. The story was about a princess who kissed a toad and turned him into a prince. Noah had heard the story before, and when he came to the part where the kiss was about to occur, he had a question, “What if she turns into a toad?”
Two of the older children were listening in, and the question led not only to a good laugh but a good discussion. Do we influence others or are we influence by them? Do we have the courage to do what we think is right, hoping others will do the same, or do we end up becoming like them by doing what they do?
The Red, Orange, and Yellow GameThis game makes it fun for kids to think about courage and its alternatives in various situations. Start with three pieces of construction paper or cards that are red, yellow, and orange. Ask children what they would do in various situations and hold up the color that their answer represents (red = courageous, orange = average or neutral, yellow = no courage, a little cowardly). Alternatively present the situation and have children see if they can give all three levels of answers. Use the following list of situations and add more of your own:
· You’re offered drugs by a fellow student. Yellow — you take them. Orange — you don’t. Red — you report the distributor to school authorities.
· You’re given a difficult chance to take an advanced class in a subject you’re good at. Yellow — you decline. Orange — you say, “Maybe next year.” Red — you go for it.
· You see your grandparents for the first time in a year. You want to hug them, but there are a lot of people around and you feel embarrassed. Yellow — you stand there and look down. Orange — you shake hands. Red — you give them a big bear hug.
· A new child from another country comes to school for the first time. He probably doesn’t speak English very well and he looks scared. Yellow — you ignore him. Orange — you wait until you see other kids talking with him and then you try it too. Red — you are the first one to talk to him.
· There is a tryout for a school musical. You like to sing, but none of your friends are tying out because they think musicals are silly. Yellow — you don’t try out. Orange — you try out for a minor part by yourself. Red — you tell your friends you don’t think it’s silly and invite them to try out with you, for a major part.
· You have a sweater that you like but it’s different from the kind “everyone is wearing.” Yellow — you put it away and beg for one of the kind everyone else has, even though you don’t like them very much. Orange — you don’t wear the old one or ask for a new one. Red — you wear the one you like.
· Make up your own — perhaps based on a real experience.
For Adolescents:
Courage and Its Opposites: Help or Hurt
This activity helps adolescents see why courage is a virtue and to focus on the reasons for developing courage. As usual with this method, ask for antonyms or opposites for courage (cowardice, doubts, fear, tendency to blame others, etc.). Discuss whom courage helps and how. Then discuss whom its opposites could hurt — and how.
Decisions in Advance
This can help adolescents make right — and courageous — decisions before they are in situations conducive to wrong choices. Explain to adolescents that many decisions are best made early — before we’re confronted with pressure to decide. Help them to make a list (preferably in the back of a journal or diary) of “decisions in advance.” For example, I will not smoke. I will not be cruel or rude even if others around me are, and so forth.
With each “decision in advance,” help the adolescent to imagine a future situation where it would be very difficult to keep the decision. Think it through together. Point out how much easier it is to do the right thing when the decision has been made in advance.
To illustrate the point, tell them the story of Abraham Lincoln, who was riding in a coach with an important and influential man who was insistent that Lincoln smoke with him. He said he would be offended if Lincoln did not.
Abraham Lincoln said he had made a decision twenty years before not to smoke. He had committed himself to that decision and had even make the commitment to his mother. Because he had made the decision in advance, courage to keep it came easy for Lincoln, and his friend did not push him any further.
We hope you enjoy these methods and that you have a fun as well as productive time with the Meridian Family Value of the Month. Remember to send your ideas to value@meridianmagazine.com and go to www.valuesparenting.com for further suggestions and information.