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“addressing contemporary matters
that just might matter to you.”
©iStockphoto.com/Jeremy Edwards
There’s a story you’ve
heard a hundred times. You can probably tell it as well as I can,
but you may not realize how it applies to you or to someone you
love.
A gentleman is walking along a beach
after a huge storm. Hundreds of starfish have been washed ashore.
A small boy comes into view as this fellow picks his way through
the dying starfish. The child is throwing the helpless creatures,
one by dying one, back into the surf. The man, approaching the
child, says, “This is a nice gesture, but there are so many
starfish. How do you expect to make any real difference here?”
The child nods, never breaking rhythm as he throws another starfish
into the ocean and replies, “It made a difference to that
one!”
Our beach is the world. A storm that
is tossing hearts and leaving souls stranded, wounded, all along
the beachhead is pornography. One by one, people enter into a world
of visual darkness that wrings the life out of normalcy, and many
times devastates entire families.
Some have pointed out, “The problem is so large and looming.
It seems as if we are losing more than we save. How will we ever
make a real difference?” We must answer, as did the small
boy: One by one — because it makes a difference to him (or
to her).
Changing One Thing
What if each one of us determined that we would seek to save “just
one” — and maybe that “one” is you, or your
spouse, your child, or a ward member over whom you have stewardship?
For those dealing with this addiction personally, what one thing
can you choose to do differently? What is one behavior that you
can choose to toss out?
For those dealing with the hurt, embarrassment,
or anger because of a loved one’s addiction, what one thought
process can be tossed? What reaction can be changed, or which emotional
or spiritual strength could we choose to develop?
Could we make the outward gestures to encourage strength, healing,
and a chance at new life for an individual or an entire family (perhaps
our own) that lies gasping for breath as the sea of pornography
and its effects pounds over them? How much of the equation may depend
upon us, and our ability to — one by one — toss the
negative and grasp the positive?
I invite you to participate in a version of the Starfish Principle:
- One step at a time
- One righteous desire
- One righteous choice
- One “aha!” moment that
causes a person to get involved in a practical, responsible manner
- One determination to make a difference
This difficulty with pornography, like
other problems, may feel overwhelming to those involved in the struggle.
Perhaps the one thing that can be done is to find one thing
that can be done. Effective, purposeful progress comes from
deciding to do something. In fighting a war like pornography, doing
any little positive thing is better than doing nothing. Even if
it does not bring immediate results. One by one, things fall into
place in the prayerful quest to find help and healing.
One by one, our brothers and sisters slip into a dark world of pornography.
We work at helping and healing the same way — one by one.
- People are choosing to
do things better.
- They are spending time on their
knees for heavenly help, and spending mental time to fight off
the demons of desire fired by ugly habit.
- They are coming clean with
themselves, their leaders, their families and their Maker.
- They are recognizing the
power of the Atonement and the blessing of the repentance process.
- They are freeing themselves
and their families from the “awful chains” that have
been holding them captive. (Please read 2 Nephi, chapter 28, verses
20 through 30.)
Is now your time to find the
healing for yourself, or to do what is required to bring that healing
to your family or one for whom you are responsible?
One Step at a Time
I remember standing in my garage a couple of years ago, knowing
a move was in the offing and there was a great deal of sorting,
cleaning, organizing and tossing to get done. While some parts of
the house were easy to deal with, I felt no match for this garage.
Yet, I had told my husband that I would begin working on it. I felt
overwhelmed. The job was too big for me! The thought of digging
through all the “stuff” felt paralyzing. Where to begin?
How to decide? What to keep and what to throw away?
I went through the same futile process for days: Opening the door
to the garage and stepping into it. Looking around. Seeing those
menacing dark corners full of stuff. Feeling like I was in a maze
at Halloween, with no idea of which direction to take. After spinning
around (literally and figuratively) a couple of times, I would turn
on my heels and walk back into the house. Nothing was getting done
in the garage.
One morning my husband grinned as he saw me standing in the familiar
position — staring at the boxes and toys and junk as if I
were a deer caught in headlights.
“What if we take care of this
garage together?” He asked. He began a methodical process
of addressing all that stuff. One box or item at a time. With his
simple yet insightful help, the “one by one” procedure
was manageable — with only short-lived freak-outs and slow
but sure progress.
Physical issues are often tied to mental and emotional — spiritual
— issues. For a person feeling overwhelmed with pornography
issues, as an addict or as a loved one dealing with the problem,
finding one supportive person or one practical process can stop
our spinning and send us forward. One step at a time, we can begin
to clean out the dark corners of our lives.
One Righteous Desire
Many who struggle with lifelong addictions feel hopeless. The lines
between who they are, and who they seem to have become, blur. Some
feel that it is too late to effect any real change.
Although each circumstance is unique, a commonality in those who
find the improvement they seek is their courageous desire to do
what is required.
President Gordon B. Hinckley explains it to addicts in this manner:
May you plead with the Lord out
of the depths of your soul that He will remove from you the addiction
which enslaves you. And may you have the courage to seek the loving
guidance of our bishop and, if necessary, the counsel of caring
professionals.
Those whose spouses, children, or
friends struggle with this addiction know the pain of feeling let
down, put upon, or confused and hurt. The tried and true principle
that we can change no one but ourselves is applicable here. What
one desire may we ponder over, and plead with the Lord for wisdom
and courage to do what we need to do — whatever it is? One
righteous desire may plant the seed to effect change — if
not for the addict, for you. And blessings will come.
One Righteous Choice
One beautiful lady has written me several emails. Her words are
always insightful and full of wisdom. She has walked the beachhead,
and felt the effects of the storm surge. Although it was surely
a grueling, exhausting experience, she walked with her husband as
he conquered his addiction. She realized that he had made conscious
choices to get involved in pornography. She saw that he was making
conscious choices to get himself out of that dark hole.
She recognized that she, too, could make choices.
She chose to allow the Atonement to become more effective in her
life as well as his. Rather than pointing a finger at her husband,
her path was to walk with him, using her fingers to grasp her companion’s.
Her hope was found in scriptures and in prayers, and in conscious
choice to build their relationship while she learned that she did
not have to be consumed or destroyed by this insidious difficulty.
Each of us has our own path to walk. Addiction varies in intensity.
Addicts vary in ability and understanding. Circumstances are vastly
different. Some must leave a chaotic relationship behind in order
to find peace and a chance at a viable, safe, and healthy life.
Whatever the choice is that you may
need to make, make it based upon righteous principles and understandings.
One righteous choice leads to the next righteous choice, and so
on.
That “Aha!” Moment
Please bear with me here as I use what may seem an odd image to
convey a principle.
An illustration of “large and looming” is one of “eating
the elephant.” When the elephant seems much too large to eat,
so to speak, we have no idea how to get the eating done. The elephant
is right in front of us, but we don’t know what to do with
it! Should we begin at the front? What if we learn later that we
should have started at the back? What if we take a bite and it is
too tough to swallow? What if we cannot eat the whole thing? We
will be even more of a failure! I will just stand here, looking
at the elephant.
An “Aha!” moment comes when we realize that it doesn’t
much matter where we begin, as long as we just do so. The thought
becomes more like this: “Wait. Maybe I am wasting time trying
to figure out exactly where to begin. Even if I choose a tougher
spot, and it does not go well, I can always choose a different spot
to chew on.” Or this: “Say I choose to start up front,
but learn that I am in the wrong spot? I will simply move.”
Or this: “I have no idea how to chew on this thing. But trying
is better than doing nothing out of fear of greater failure.”
Inspired thought, coupled with practical insight, may allow us to
get going with the job of eating. Forget eating the whole elephant.
Just take a bite. Forget controlling the situation, or having it
control you. Just do something that moves you in the right direction.
An “Aha!” moment brings motivation to get a job done.
A company executive who has a high profile in the business community
and in the Church, for instance, feels like there is too much at
stake by revealing his problem. The fallout seems too large and
ugly. How can he make sense of his senseless struggle with pornography,
and expose his addiction? What if — ? And so the fears mount.
The elephant in front of him is too much. He needs an “Aha!”
moment.
Those righteous “Aha!” moments are gifts from heaven.
They tutor and open a path for blessings, if we are willing to do
what is required. Rather than remain stranded on the beach, we may
choose to reenter the healing waters.
Make a Difference
Decide to make a difference — for yourself, your spouse, your
children, your parents, or your community. Here are some people
who took crucial first steps:
- A woman we will call Nancy decided
to quit her job. It was one that exposed her to ugly, immoral
things. This, she realized, was the impetus for her newly found
desire to entertain herself with pornography. It made a difference.
- A fellow we will call Bill realized
that his current activities were pulling him away from his wife,
his children, and his sweet grandchildren. He had missed one temple
wedding because of his church standing, and did not want to miss
another one. He decided to seek additional ecclesiastical and
professional counseling help in order to regain his life and receive
his temple recommend. It made a difference.
- John had a large company with many
employees. He knew that among his staff there were those who spent
company time staring at immoral images instead of working. After
addressing the issue, he put into place a net that would not allow
the viewing of porn to take place in his offices. He made a difference.
- Sarah’s husband was deep in
the pornography addiction. She was full of anger and disgust.
He repulsed her. She felt isolated and sullied by his addiction.
He didn’t seem to care. She determined to seek help for
herself, to rid herself of those negative feelings that were bringing
her down and setting a permanent grey tone in her personal skies.
She gained some valuable and beautiful tools for helping herself.
It made a difference.
- A good man who has done well in
the business world determines to use his money, influence and
energies to create a foundation or company to help deal with the
pornography plight. One brilliant moment when he decides to give
back. It is making a difference.
- You are an average person with average
means, living an average life. You determine today to find out
more about this issue so that you can protect your family. You
click on to a website such as www.CP80.org
to find out how to join the battle of protecting the internet.
You go through the yellow pages to find an organization which
might need a bit of a donation, a volunteer, or some insight.
You make a difference.
- You decide — today —
to do something about your addiction. Or to fortify yourself because
of another’s addiction. You determine to turn more fully
to Christ. It makes a difference.
Like starfish lovingly tossed back
into the sea in which they thrive, we can use the principle taught
by a caring little boy, and make a difference — if only to
one.
If you want to contact
Vickey to make comments or share your experiences, please write to
her at Vickey.whatmatters@gmail.com.
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