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“addressing contemporary matters
that just might matter to you.”
©2007 by Intellectual Reserve,
Inc. All rights reserved.
Editor’s
note: There are so many thoughts to convey, so many questions that
need answers, so many areas of focus on which to concentrate. It
is frustrating to choose only one. Eventually, we will get through
all the wonderful ideas, comments shared, and points that need to
be approached. Today, though, it is necessary to offer the very
real hope that is available to any and everyone — and share
some success stories of pornography addicts or those who love them
through their repentance and rehabilitation process. To those who
are feeling hopeless, please know that there are avenues of assistance
available. There are people who care to assist in rebuilding the
life of truth and light you want.
Two powerful quotes that need sharing in today’s article are
by two powerful, special witnesses of Jesus Christ:
Discouragement is not the absence
of adequacy but the absence of courage. (Elder Neal A. Maxwell)
One of Satan’s most powerful tools is discouragement. Whisperings
of
• “You can’t
do it,”
• “You’re no good,”
• “It’s too late,”
• “What’s the use?” or
• “Things are hopeless”
are tools of destruction. (Elder
Marvin J. Ashton)
Although I have received emails from
people who are despairing, and who echo the kind of feelings Elder
Ashton spoke of, I have also read beautiful letters of encouragement,
growth, repentance, blessings, and of great love.
Some have written to share gratitude
for the love between spouses when one of them is working his way
back to light, having fallen down the dark hole of pornography’s
grasp. Some have written to share gratitude for a bishop who, having
gained insights and divine guidance as well as some training, has
lovingly worked with them. Others have rejoiced in the blessings
of websites, books, and other materials that lovingly lead them
toward freedom from the addiction.
Common Thread
There is a common thread in every person who has written of some
healing from this disease — who has found strength, hope,
and insight — who is regaining a sense of self-worth and courage.
That common thread is the LDS Church’s Twelve Step Recovery
program. There is dignity and love felt within the circles of these
groups. The ability to repent and move forward is tremendously improved.
The underlying principle that offers
this hope and encouragement is this: The Atonement of Jesus Christ
does factor in. His sacrificial gift works for any who wish to take
advantage of it. He loves every single one of us! Whether we stand
strong and pure, are curled up in shame and discouragement, sit
in judgment of others or of self, or kneel in humble request for
cleansing, He loves us, anyway.
I say “anyway” because maybe some don’t believe
they are worthy of the love. Maybe some feel like it is too late.
Maybe some have given up on themselves because people around them
seem to have given up. Maybe they stopped caring because they have
forgotten how very worth it they are.
As a reminder, as a conveyance of tender counseling, and as a witness
of love — “anyway” — here are some beautiful
excerpts from reader responses. Real people with real and helpful
insights, from their own struggles, work, prayers, and understandings:
• “As a bishop, I deal
with outcomes of pornography addiction weekly. The members of
my ward who are making progress are the ones who:
- Persistently and precisely obey
the Lord’s counsel that comes through me
- Are working with the 12-step program
step-by-step with another person.
- Are actively participating in
work necessary to improve. The 12-Step program, like most things
in life, is not a decoration to set on one’s shelf. Daydreaming
about or sleeping next to the booklets that outline the 12 steps
and hoping for osmosis to take affect simply does not work.”
• “In my current experiences,
the most successful ones are the ones where wives are working
with their husbands (or vice-versa) to lovingly work through it
together.”
• “In a destructive environment
like pornography, great patience and love for the loved one with
an addiction is necessary.”
• “Well, what is the
worth of a soul? What is the worth of an eternal companion? How
much does a spouse really love her (or his) affected companion?
It will come down to this! Pride has to go, along with a lot of
other things. Without deep faith in the Lord this battle will
not be won, either in individuals families nor on a larger scale.”
• “In the scriptures,
the Lord asks plaintively, ‘Is anything too hard for the
Lord?’ and He constantly says, ‘Come unto me...’
Although I have a strong testimony and have long lived the gospel
faithfully, I did not fully understand, and probably still don't,
the depth of the Lord's commitment to eternal marriages and the
magnificence of His willingness and ability to be a very real
and very powerful partner in such marriages.”
• “When first confronting this challenge I read everything
I could find written by General Authorities about this subject
and I also read a lot of material written by professional LDS
counselors. Frankly, as I read and prayed, I realized that pornography
addiction is not a physical problem. It is a spiritual problem.”
• “I run a pornography addiction treatment program,
and spend my days working with those plagued the by effects of
pornography. I love my work and it's rewarding to be on the front
lines helping to save ailing marriages that have been weakened
by the effects of pornography.”
• “For years I lied to my wife, to the Church authorities,
to myself, about the moral fabric of my being. I was a pornography
addict and had been since I was a teenager. I was too embarrassed
to say anything. I was sure that it was too late for me. I was
wrong! The Savior’s loving assistance has been clear and
profound in my life. I know that He loves me. Please share this
with other readers. It is never too late. The Lord loves every
one of us, and is waiting to help us.”
One beautiful woman whose husband has
overcome his addiction — with her help and with the Savior’s
tutelage for both of them — has written a booklet worth of
insights and helps. I will share her thoughts from time to time
(with great gratitude for her compelling ability to convey her feelings
and share righteous principles). I could feel the joy in her words,
as she described a recent temple trip she and her husband made:
The light I see in his countenance
as we participate in these sacred ordinances, the humility and
sweet offerings I hear in his prayers, the love with which he
reads the scriptures, the greater trust he has in Heavenly Father
and our Savior, Jesus Christ, and! the greater love and trust
he has for me, are worth anything and everything I can possibly
do!
Beware!
From a wise reader, I received this
counsel: “I deeply admire your efforts to help in this effort,
but it is dangerous. When President Hinckley has described it he
has used terms he has never used to describe any other sin. There
is a temptation to read ‘clinical’ things to try to
understand this. Beware.”
There is great wisdom in her caution. It is not needful for those
of us watching as a loved one dabbles in or delves into pornography
to learn the whys or the hows of this problem. Whether we are counselors,
spouses, parents, or bishops, it is not the problem we
should search. It is the solution to the problem.
I am grateful for those trained in this particular field. I am grateful
for the stamina and resolve needed for a counselor, loved one, advisor
or friend to walk with an addict as he or she seeks to become “sober.”
I have learned from my friends at CP80 that caution and care are
needed, lest those helpers become enmeshed in the ugliness themselves.
By focusing on light and truth, the addict and those who walk with
them, may feel the Savior’s healing, loving hand in their
solution.
I personally wish to know as little as necessary about this ugly
problem. I do need to understand the spiritual component
of healing from this addiction. I need to prayerfully watch over
and guard my own family. I need to focus on gospel based principles
to offer help to any of you who may want it.
I need to get good advice from those
who know what they are doing in this field of addiction recovery.
I need to remind myself, and all of us, that the Lord’s Atonement
is effective for anything that removes us from Him and our Father
in heaven. I need to find good, effective ways of nourishing my
family and myself. I need to watch for good programs that may enlighten
and strengthen in this cause.
Conference in Utah
As a heads up, there is a conference
being held in Provo, Utah, on March 10. Joseph White, conference
director, is excited to offer an interfaith program that will offer
spiritually-based insights and helps for any who can attend. Additional
information may be found at either of these URLS: http://www.ldsmarriagenetwork.org/
and http://www.amoreexcellenthope.org/
. If any of you readers are interested, it promises to be a good
choice to offer hope, tools, and loving acceptance of any who attend.
If any of you know of programs or conferences, let me know. I am
happy to pass the word along! It is good for our readers —
wherever they are in the world — to know that there are programs
that offer help and hope!
More than anything, it is required of us to love. This means loving
without unnecessary judgment or closed-minded assumptions. There
are many, many instances of families ripped apart by this insidious
addiction. There are spouses and children who need to run for their
lives. There are folks in a situation from which they must extract
themselves — some sooner, and some later. There are innocent
children, and innocent adults, whose lives are altered by ugliness
and betrayal. They must start over, rebuilding a life after surviving
the wreckage of an unholy union.
Miraculous Experiences
But there are miraculous experiences for those who can, and who
will, work together. When both spouses — the “offender”
and the “offended” (however you may deem to determine
it) — choose to work together, building upon the love of the
Savior and the blessings of the Atonement, there are miracles ahead.
When an offender can say, “I
am loved anyway,” miracles may grow. When an offended one
can say “I am loved anyway,” miracles can grow. When
individuals and couples and families and wards can say, “I
am loved anyway,” miracles occur.
As a reader so beautifully put it, “Miracles have not ceased!
They only cease when we do not do what we need to so that the Lord
can reach down and touch our lives, touch our hearts, and heal our
pains and our sins. I love that the Holy Ghost is called Comforter.
I love that the Lord Jesus Christ is the second Comforter!”
Whether you are battling with this addiction, have just recently
dabbled into something that you know is improper, or carry the heavy
burden of dealing with this ugliness in your family, know that it
is not too late. You are worthy of change and improvement. You are
worth the efforts. The prayers are heard — do not give up.
Regardless of the difficulties weighing upon your heart and your
shoulders, you are loved, anyway.
If you want to contact
Vickey to make comments or share your experiences, please write to
her at Vickey.whatmatters@gmail.com.
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© 2007 Meridian
Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
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