We know pornography is a problem. We are learning more about the injured, shell-shocked, embarrassed, confused, destroyed, crippled, or betrayed untold numbers of people who are involved with it. Suddenly, this addiction and its fallout are gaining more attention. More public awareness. But it remains a quiet and dark cloud of burden for many who suffer as the addict or as the loved ones of an addict. The major question on a lot of people’s minds is this: 

What, exactly, do I do about it?

Because each case is relatively unique to the addict — or his or her loved ones — the road to freedom from the problem is equally unique. But there are a number of correlatives. And if improvement is sought; if comfort is needed; if you are carrying the burden of this addiction or reeling from its effects as a loved one, there is a first step that must be taken:  Confront it!

Pornography is not going to quietly go away by itself — not by hiding it, glossing over it, or biding time. By confronting it as a real and threatening problem, recognition can make way to accepting responsibility and offering loving support. It is possible for addicts and their families to rebuild, recover, rehabilitate, and prevent — on a larger scale than many imagine.  

There is strength for the ones struggling as well as the ones involved as second-hand victims, by tackling this stuff head-on. Throw away the blinders, the rose- colored glasses, the excuses or anything standing between you and the truth (or the suspected truth) and prayerfully seek for real, workable ways to deal with this issue in an appropriate way.

It seems a lot of good people are suffering with feelings of isolation and continually shrinking feelings of intimacy because of this addiction. If you are one of them, there are some keys to opening the floodgates of light and warmth as you disconnect from the barren, sterile world of pornography and reconnect in more blessed and spirit-strengthening ways with those you love — and who love you — by confronting it. For those whose lives are torn apart by this secret addiction:

Take the first step.  Then the next…..

• See yourself as “worth it.” The whole point of realizing that “we are loved, anyway” is to see that  regardless of our Achilles heels, our thorns in the flesh, our shortcomings and guilt, we are loved and we are worth it. Once we understand this part of the equation, we can more readily confront and make progress with the issues in our lives.

• Separate the weakness, the addiction, from yourself as a person.  Isolate your behavior from your definition of self.

• Look in the mirror and admit the addiction. Even if you cannot yet be honest with another, be honest with yourself — out loud — without excuses.

• Realize that dealing with this problem will take time. Be patient with yourself as you move forward. Celebrate each little movement forward. Express gratitude to Father in Heaven for each positive step made.

• If you stumble, pick yourself up and determine to keep moving in the right direction. Just as dieters must jump back on the calorie wagon if they have fallen into a chocolate frenzy, dust yourself off and go forward.

• Determine to expose the secret. Many addicts have carried this burden for a long, long time. It is heavy and expensive in many ways. Share the problem with a trusted companion, friend, counselor, or leader. And God bless you as you do so, that the one you choose to open up to will be a genuine friend — offering support and love. Many are surprised to learn that they do receive this kind of positive support.

• Learn from trusted sources (such as the 12-Step program of the LDS Church) about available programs to integrate into your life. Then take it step-by-step!

• Find good reading materials. There are many great helps from which to choose.   Be attentive to focusing on spiritual-based products and not on things that focus on clinical work alone. This is a spiritual problem, requiring spiritual efforts. So include the scriptures and words of the prophets in daily reading, regardless of what else is on the list.

• Associate yourself with others who are sincerely and prayerfully working to regain control of their lives and put this addiction behind them.

• Once you begin the process of healing from this problem, fight for the safety of others. Join organizations; donate time, effort and funds (if you have them to give); become part of the solution. Strengthen yourself as you strengthen others.

• Whenever a temptation (of any sort) beckons, turn immediately to the Lord. He is an integral part of the healing and freedom from addiction you seek.

A portion of the beautiful hymn “Lead Kindly Light” goes like this: “I do not ask to see the distant scene — one step enough for me.” Confronting the problem, head on, allows the addict to begin the journey of a more peaceful life, one step at a time. Do not expect to see the end, or to catapult ahead. Accept and build upon each success and every forward motion.

There is great goodness in each positive stride taken! Rejoice in having the blessing of making the journey to recovery.

Helps for Defending the Fort

Because of the nature of the world in which we live, and the influences that seek to harm our loved ones, there are some things all of us can do to protect our own. Here are just a few helps:

• Protect your household, and your children. Do not take chances when it comes to your children’s exposure to negative influences! 
• Screen television shows. 
• Place your computer in a busy part of the house — never in a child’s bedroom, or in a place that is tucked away where there is no foot traffic.  And be sure to face it so that the screen faces toward the interior of the room, where people can walk by and see what’s being viewed.
• Check on family members often when they are online.
• Insist on open doors when family members are online. 
• Protective devices are out there, but they are not sufficient to filter out all forms of pornography that may pop up — or that they can tap into. 
• Talk with family members about the sanctity of life and of loving relationships. Start doing so earlier than you might think you need to — the world in which we live is harsh and offers ugly alternatives earlier than when you were growing up. Remember that the average for first pornography exposure is 11 years of age!
• Pray for awareness of anything that seems “off” regarding your children, or even your spouse. And beware the thought that your loved one “would never do that.” It is our responsibility to safeguard and be watch guards.
• Once you suspect a problem, act on it immediately!  Statistics show that a large number of teenagers physically act on some of the things that they have seen in pornographic pictures and videos. They do so within a few days of exposure. Time is of the essence!

Making the First Move

Many loved ones of an addict are quietly suffering in silence, not knowing what to say or do. Embarrassment, lack of understanding, shame, and any number of reasons may make it hard to deal directly. If you are a spouse, parent, or friend of one you suspect or know to have this addiction, there is no time like the present to help make a difference.  You are moving toward your loved one when you make the move — not widening the chasm.

• If you believe your child has a problem, confront him or her now. Calmly, prayerfully, and tactfully address the concern and invite open discussion. Then take steps to work with them to get rid of it. Now. Time matters.

• If you suspect a spouse or other loved one has this problem, and they have said nothing to you, don’t wait for the person to do so — go to him. Do it prayerfully, lovingly, and supportively, if it feels at all possible to do so. Most addicts do not wish to have this problem. If my mail is indication, I would say they wouldn’t wish it on most anyone — and they may be more open to assistance than you imagine.

• Try not to take it personally if your spouse has this addiction. I know that sometimes the poor second-hand victim ends up feeling more victimized when a counselor, friend or leader looks to them as if the victim is the problem. You are not! The issue of pornography, like any addiction, has its root in a deeper situation.  You are dealing with a symptom of the deeper root problem. It is not because you are not good enough, pretty enough, womanly enough, manly enough, sexually available enough, or anything else. By separating issues, you can more reasonably — and prayerfully — assist in dealing with the actual issues your spouse has, and that it creates between the two of you.

• There are guilt and shame associated with this addiction. If you can refrain from reinforcing that guilt and shame, you will more quickly and effectively be able to deal with the problem. 

• Judging is a common and sad error when confronting the addict. There is only One qualified to judge in these matters. We may need to make careful and wise judgment regarding our own choices and decisions in dealing with the issues surrounding pornography. This is a different thing from judging the addict, especially if we are interested in positive results.

• Seek strength and comfort for yourself. It can be a tough road for the loved one of an addict. You need the sustaining of the Lord and the power that comes from studying the scriptures, spending time in pondering, and expending more effort on your knees in humble prayers. 

• Seek for ways to invite the Holy Spirit into your life and your home. He can do wonders for you as well as the one addicted.

Ante Up

In their book Confronting Pornography: A Guide to Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders, Mark Chamberlain, Dan Gray, and Rory C. Reid wrote this definition of addiction. I think it is succinctly perfect:

If you can read their description and say, “That is me,” ante up. Face the music. Use whatever term works for you, but confront the problem. You are stronger than the problem, if you utilize the resources available to you — both on earth and in heaven.

If you believe that a loved one is dealing with this addiction, lovingly confront that person.  Rather than wishing it away (it won’t happen) or expecting someone else to deal with it, ante up for yourself. Become a better person by helping your loved ones through their difficulties.

Great are the rewards.  Many are the spiritual blessings. Easy stuff?  Nope.  Do-able? Absolutely. There is light at the end of this tunnel, and the light is not a train coming in your direction. Hold on to the people and the principles that matter.

Take a deep breath, say a prayer and make the first step if you have not yet done so. Circumstances and individuals involved make for different outcomes, depending upon the situations in which people find themselves. But there is progress to be made and the journey to healing will come — however it is best suited, according to your works and divine assistance.

Confront it!