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Give
It Time
By
Claudia Goodman
Have you ever
hit a point when you feel that you have given your all to accomplish
something and it still doesn’t happen? What is lacking? Our
daughter Andrea’s experience provides some interesting insights:
Seven
years ago a car accident claimed the lives of three of my brothers
and sisters. It also critically injured my younger sister Aimee
and myself. Aimee was eight, and the three siblings who died
were ten, eleven, and twelve. Since Aimee had lost her three
closest friends, I determined that I would do everything I could
to fill that void in her life, even though I was seven years older
than she was. As soon as we were both well enough, I offered
to share a room with her, in spite of several empty bedrooms in
the house. Although I was in high school, I played dolls and
pioneers with her and did everything I could think of to make
her happy.
However, I was distressed by the nagging conflicts that flared
between us. They were minor, to be sure, but all too frequent.
She was upset when I stayed up past her bedtime to study with
the light on. She wanted the door left open at night, and I wanted
it closed. The list of minor grievances lengthened. I guess
we were both a little strong-willed at times, yet I felt that
I really was trying my hardest to get along with her.
Finally
I asked my mother if she had any ideas. Her advice surprised
me. I was expecting a discourse on things Aimee and I could do
to change. Instead she suggested, “Andrea, give it time. Aimee
is young. Most of the problem is that she is so much less mature
than you are. You are both trying so hard to get along. The
majority of the differences you are experiencing will melt away
in a few years as she grows up. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I really believe you are doing all that can be done.”
It wasn’t exactly the answer I wanted to hear, but it did bring
me some comfort. We kept trying. Actually, I think the best
thing we did was quit trying so hard. We decided not to share
a room anymore. That helped more than anything! It made the
time we did spend together more precious, and we really started
to enjoy each other.
However, it wasn’t until I went away to college three years later
that we got really close. Sometimes absence really does make
the heart grow fonder, and Aimee grew up a lot during those years.
When I came home for Christmas, we had the time of our lives.
We were both so excited to see each other that we could hardly
stand it! Now I am married. Aimee came to spend three weeks
with us last summer so I could help her with an accelerated summer
course. We made memories we will treasure forever. My mother
was right. We just needed to give it time.
There are
some profound lessons to be learned from this experience. All
of us have times when we want something so much right now!
Those are the times we need to pause and take a second look.
Whose timetable are we following?
Don’t try
so hard that you force it.
Is there such
a thing as trying too hard? Maybe. Or maybe we’re just insisting
that my will be done instead of thine. Sometimes
the Lord’s timetable—or even the timetable of nature or life—may
be different from our own. No matter how much we may want to
play a musical instrument, for example, it can’t be done in a
day. Neither can a college education or a testimony or a strong
marriage. Even converting someone to the gospel has to be done
on their timetable, not ours. And how long does it take to recover
from tragedy? Perhaps years. All these things take time.
If we step
in to help an emerging chick break free of its shell, or a butterfly
shed its cocoon, the creature will die. The only way it can gain
enough strength to survive is by struggling to break through the
barrier itself. The best thing we can do is stand by—and exercise
faith from the sidelines.
When one of
our children was in first grade, her class was given a standardized
achievement test. I was alarmed to discover that she only scored
in thirtieth percentile. Frantically I contacted the school counselor,
wondering if she needed to be held back a year. The counselor
looked at the scores, considered a moment, and then replied, “She
is just immature. Don’t worry about her. She’ll be all right.”
“But what
can I do to help her?” I pleaded.
The counselor
smiled. “Nothing. Just give her some time.” That was all she
said.
Near the end
of the school year we moved unexpectedly. As I waited for my
daughter after school a few days later, her teacher spotted me.
She said to me, “I’ll bet you are so proud of your daughter.
She’s as smart as a whip!”
I was so shocked
I didn’t know what to say. Fourteen years later I watched that
daughter graduate summa cum laude as valedictorian of her college
at BYU. She just happened to be a late bloomer and needed some
time. I’m glad I didn’t rush her.
Enjoy the
process.
Since there’s
not much we can do to speed some things up, we’ll be a lot happier
if we can learn to enjoy the process. Learning to play football,
waiting for a broken bone to mend, finding the right person to
marry, and having a baby are examples of experiences that can
teach us patience, as we learn to synchronize our timetable with
one covering a broader agenda than our own.
One of my
favorite children’s stories illustrates this point very well:
THE
GARDEN
From
Frog and Toad Together by
Arnold Lobel
Frog
was in his garden. Toad came walking by.
“What
a fine garden you have, Frog,” he said.
“Yes,”
said Frog. “It is very nice, but it was hard work.”
“I
wish I had a garden,” said Toad.
“Here
are some flower seeds. Plant them in the ground,” said Frog,
“and soon you will have a garden.” ”How soon?” asked Toad.
“Quite soon,” said Frog.
Toad ran home. He planted the flower seeds.
“Now
seeds,” said Toad, “start growing.”
Toad
walked up and down a few times. The seeds did not start to grow.
Toad
put his head close to the ground and said loudly, “Now seeds,
start growing!”
Toad
looked at the ground again. The seeds did not start to grow.
Toad
put his head very close to the ground and shouted, “NOW SEEDS,
START GROWING!”
Frog
came running up the path. “What is all this noise?” he asked.
“My
seeds will not grow,” said Toad.
“You
are shouting too much,” said Frog. “These poor seeds are afraid
to grow.”
“My
seeds are afraid to grow?” asked Toad.
“Of
course,” said Frog. “Leave them alone for a few days. Let the
sun shine on them, let the rain fall on them. Soon your seeds
will start to grow.”
That
night Toad looked out of his window.
“Drat!”
said Toad. “My seeds have not started to grow. They must be
afraid of the dark.”
Toad
went out to his garden with some candles. “I will read the seeds
a story,” said Toad. “Then they will not be afraid.”
Toad
read a long story to his seeds.
All
the next day Toad sang songs to his seeds.
And
all the next day Toad read poems to his seeds.
And
all the next day Toad played music for his seeds.
Toad
looked at the ground. The seeds still did not start to grow.
“What
shall I do?” cried Toad. “These must be the most frightened seeds
in the whole world.”
Then
Toad felt very tired, and he fell asleep.
“Toad,
Toad, wake up,” said Frog. “Look at your garden!”
Toad
looked at his garden. Little green plants were coming up out
of the ground.
“At
last,” shouted Toad, “my seeds have stopped being afraid to grow!”
“And
now you will have a nice garden, too,” said Frog.
“Yes,”
said Toad, “but you were right, Frog. It was very hard work.”
Be not
weary in well-doing.
We may not
need to work quite as hard as Toad did to get a garden to grow.
On the other hand, we can’t just sit back and hope things will
happen on their own. They won’t! The Lord has told us that we
should be “anxiously engaged in a good cause.” (D&C 58:27)
He also admonishes, “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for
ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small
things proceedeth that which is great.” (D&C 64:33)
The little
day-to-day things that we do are usually the things that give
us the strength to face the big events in our lives. Nine months
of sacrifice to make a baby, sixteen years of schooling to graduate
from college, years of daily scripture study and righteous living
to prepare us for missions, temple marriage, and the obstacles
of life. Only if we do not allow ourselves to become weary of
doing the small daily things, will we will be equal to the challenges
when the big things come along.
One
author described it well when he said, “Life is like an old time
rail journey…[with] delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders,
and jolts; interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas
and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord
for letting you have the ride.”
Trust in
the Lord’s Timetable.
The Lord gave
us the perfect blueprint for keeping our lives in balance:
“Therefore…let
us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power, and then may
we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation
of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C123:17)
As our friend
Dave Blanchard put it, “I have learned that I do the work, and
God opens the windows. That’s the only way to do it. If I try
to let God do the work, it doesn’t happen, and if I try to open
the windows, I hit a brick wall.”
When we do
all we can and then leave the outcome in the hands of the Lord,
we are saying in effect, “Thy will be done.” I learned a long
time ago that His timetable is always the best one. Usually we
have to “be not weary in well-doing” for awhile, but after we
have done all we can and leave the rest to Him, there are those
times when we marvel at how magnificently He puts things together.
Two months
ago our niece called from Italy for some advice regarding her
health. I gave her some ideas, but there were things I could
only do for her in person. She called back a few minutes later
and said that she and her husband felt impressed to fly me to
Italy to help her. The problem was time-sensitive because she
had to obtain medical clearance quickly so they could move to
the Netherlands with her husband’s work assignment.
The challenge
for me was that our daughter’s first baby was due three days after
my scheduled return—a pretty tight window. Yet, I felt completely
at peace about accepting the invitation. I called my daughter
to see how she felt about it. “Mom, it feels right. I think
you need to go. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” was her
reply.
So I flew
to Italy for a week and worked with my niece. On the day I left,
she received the medical clearance she needed. The morning after
I arrived home, I had the distinct impression that I needed to
do everything that was pressing quickly because I only had that
day. I wrote my Meridian article and got things in order. That
night my daughter called. She had just had her baby! The circumstances
were remarkable. The doctor had wanted to induce her because
he was leaving town. But the tests showed that the baby wasn’t
completely ready to come, so my daughter and her husband opted
to wait. At the last minute she went into labor on her own.
The doctor left town the moment he finished delivering the baby.
The Lord’s
timing is impeccable. If we will just do our part and then leave
the things we can’t control to Him without pressuring Him, it
is absolutely amazing at how perfectly things turn out. I find
that the final outcome is usually quite different from what I
had hoped or pictured, but it is always better when it is in His
hands.
Remember
the Big Picture.
Finally, when
things take much longer than we anticipate, sometimes it helps
to try to see the big picture. If that is not possible, at least
we can trust that there is One who really does understand the
greater view. We must remember that some things just take time
and that our concept of time is much more limited in scope than
His.
A few days
before her death Emma Smith had a dream in which Joseph took her
into a beautiful mansion. In one of the rooms she saw a babe
in a cradle. She immediately recognized it as one of the children
she had lost in infancy and snatched him to her bosom. Then she
asked, “Joseph, where are the rest of my children?” (She had
lost six babies.)
He replied,
“Be patient, Emma, and you shall have all your children.” Then
she saw the Savior standing behind him.
Emma died
a few days later. None of her children were in the Church. In
fact, it was not until four generations later that a great-great
granddaughter finally embraced the gospel. Now there are several
members, and the number is growing. From Emma’s limited perspective
the prospect looked hopeless, but the Lord is able to do His work.
He truly can do those things that look impossible to men—in His
own due time.
Give it
time.
If we can
just remember to “cheerfully do all things that lie in our power,”
we will eventually reach the point where we can “stand still with
the utmost assurance” and watch the Red Sea part in our lives.
The important thing is not to lose faith when we are wandering
in the wilderness, doing our part. Once we have done all we can,
we must surrender our will to His and our timing to His grand
design. Then, if we stand still and listen, perhaps we will hear
the echo of His words to Moses when He parted the Red sea. “Fear
ye not…The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”
(Exodus 14:13-14) Usually after we have done all we can, we just
need to give it time.
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