M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Standing Up For Ourselves
By Claudia Goodman

A certain fable tells of a conversation between the sun and the wind.  Each insists that he is more powerful than the other.  Finally they decide to prove their assertions by seeing how quickly each can cause a traveler on the road beneath them to remove his cloak.  The wind goes first and blows with all his might against the man.  The traveler merely fastens his cloak more securely.  The wind then increases his fury to a raging gale, but the harder he blows, the more tightly the man clutches his cloak about him.  The wind finally gives up in exhaustion.  Then the sun steps forward and begins to smile down upon the man with warm intensity.  Very quickly the traveler loosens his grip and in no time becomes so warm that he removes the cloak of his own accord.

Victims of Subtle Control.

In our lives we are frequently subjected to the winds of control, causing us to draw our cloaks more tightly around us.  We usually recognize blatant attempts to force us to comply with unrelenting demands, and we resist those attempts much as the traveler did.  However, we may be considerably more vulnerable to the insistent but gentle persuasions of breezes that playfully tug at our free agency under the guise of alluring smiles and sweet enticements.  We may become victims—or even imposers of—subtle control for years without even realizing it.  The description of Miss Mattie Lou’s relationship to her husband in the book Cold Sassy Tree has haunted me ever since I read it.  “She trotted at his heels like a good little dog.”  (p.19)  While there is no unkindness in this relationship, there certainly is control—partly by a husband calling all the shots, and partly by a wife relinquishing her free agency to think and act for herself.  A wife can’t fully support a husband until she is true to herself.  She may choose to follow him, but she needs to do so consciously after she has weighed the options, and not blindly without question.

There are many forms of subtle control to which we are all subjected.  Some of the most common techniques people use to gently control others are discussed below.

First, Controllers Indebt Others to Them.

At first Sandra seemed like a well-meaning, caring neighbor.  She came over to do the dishes and tend the baby when Mother was ill.  The next day Sandra dropped by with dinner, followed by other dinners several times a week.  Next she invited them to a barbeque in her back yard, but it was not just hamburgers.  It was steak and lobster complete with all the trimmings.  After a few weeks of such generosity, she invited them to spend a week with her family at their cabin in the mountains.  The young couple felt very resentful and didn’t want to go.  They wondered how they could feel so ungrateful.  The reason was because they felt obligated to her.

Nathan and Sarah had only been married two years and were struggling to make ends meet.  They had a new baby, and Nathan still had several years of schooling ahead in order to become a veterinarian, as he had always dreamed.  To make matters worse, their old car finally broke down beyond repair.  Nathan’s parents generously stepped in to save the day.  They picked out a new car for the couple and put a substantial down payment on it.  They also arranged to pay Nathan’s tuition to law school, since his grades clearly supported such a career.  They felt that this would be a much more suitable profession for him than being a veterinarian.  Nathan and Sarah were torn.  They desperately needed the money, but they didn’t want to feel indebted to his parents.  Furthermore, they knew if they accepted the money, they would feel pressured to take his parents’ advice about his career.

Second, Controllers Pressure Others to Follow their Wishes.

Fifteen-year-old Ashley watched as her mother made popcorn balls for the youth fireside.  She could see that her mother had made far too many.  “Mom, that’s way more than we need.  Don’t make so many.”  Mother felt frustrated, because she wanted to be sure there were plenty for everyone.  Besides, it was too late to change the recipe now.  But Ashley persisted, “Mom, I’ll be embarrassed if you take that many.  Leave half of them home!”  Mother found herself wanted to say, “Let me be the mother.  This is my decision, not yours.”

Melanie felt frustrated every time her husband’s mother came for a visit.  For one thing, her mother-in-law never consulted them but merely announced that she was coming to stay for three weeks.  Melanie felt that she had no say in her own home, as her mother-in-law cleaned everything from top to bottom and intruded into private matters.  Her mother-in-law called all the shots on what they would see and do during her visit and gave frequent advice on how they could raise their son more effectively.  Why was Melanie so out-of-sorts?  She had surrendered her free agency in order to accommodate her mother-in-law’s wishes—wishes she felt were often unreasonable.

Third, Controllers Often Make Undue Demands.

At two years of age Jonathan pretty well had life all figured out.  His parents were so anxious to keep him happy and make sure he didn’t suffer that they went to any length to pacify him.  All he had to do was scream to get what he wanted.  Why should he bother talking?  If he didn’t like his food, he merely threw it on the floor or whined until he got what he wanted—usually chocolate ice cream.  There was no consideration for the extra work he was causing Mother to clean up after him or his disruption of her schedule.  Even though his parents wished he would behave at the grocery store, all he had to do was throw a tantrum whenever they said he couldn’t have something, and they would immediately give in just to keep peace.  He could even sleep in their bed with them whenever he wanted, just by crying hard enough.  He had his parents right where he wanted them—under his thumb—constantly juggling their lives to meet his undue demands.

Fourth, Controllers Convince Others that their Ideas are Always Best.

Controllers have the insecure attitude that they must always be right.  Rather than listen to another point of view with a willingness to look at the facts and possibly change their mind, they spend their time convincing others and winning them over to their own way of thinking.

Martha was concerned that her husband was making an unwise business decision.  She tried to explain the situation from her point of view.  Her husband listened kindly and indulgently.  He then proceeded to defend his own position so skillfully that he was able to persuade his wife to go along with his ideas.  However, a day or two later, Martha realized that deep down inside, her feelings hadn’t changed.  Her frustration grew as she realized that not only did she feel uncomfortable with her husband’s decision, but now she also felt that she couldn’t approach him with her concerns, because he wouldn’t truly hear them or address them—just try to talk her out of them as he justified his own position.

Fifth, Controllers Often Use the Pressure of Time to Their Advantage.

It’s now or never.  Controllers make you feel that if you don’t decide right now, your opportunity will be lost forever.  One of the most common examples is the high-pressured salesman, whose fantastic deal cannot wait till morning.  Many people make decisions they later regret for fear of losing the opportunity of the moment. 

Even at home, however, we sometimes make decisions when we feel controlled by deadlines based on the pressure of the moment.  “Mom, Brittany just called to see if I can go to the show with her.  Her mom will be here to pick me up in five minutes.  It’s rated PG-13, but it’s supposed to be really good.  Rachel saw it last week and said it was awesome.”  There’s hardly time to evaluate the decision because of the time crunch.  

Taking Control of Controllers.

Once we recognize subtle forms of control such as these, we can value our own priceless gift of free agency by exercising it to protect our personal integrity.  At the same time we will be silently helping the controllers to gradually overcome their tendencies, since they are usually totally unaware of their manipulation.  When we recognize that someone is consciously or unconsciously trying to control us, we have three options that preserve our free agency.

First, We Can Choose to Support their Demands.

We may support their ideas, not because they are pressuring us comply, but because after careful reflection, we believe theirs is the best course of action and the one we choose for ourselves.  If we don’t allow our pride to interfere, we may find that there are many times others are right.  As long as we feel we have a choice, it is comfortable to follow their lead.  In the same way, although the Lord and His prophets never seek to control us, we may sometimes feel pressure from others to follow their counsel.  We may already know they are right, but we must make certain that we support them because we choose to and not because we have to.  

Second, We Can Choose to Sidestep the Demands of Others.

This course of action makes sense when we are merely dealing with personal taste issues instead of moral ones, or when we are faced with someone we don’t have to deal with very often.  Relatives and casual acquaintances frequently fall into this category.  If someone buys you something you will never use, it’s okay.  You can choose to sidestep the issue by being gracious and appreciative instead of hurting their feelings while they are there and then by quietly putting it away or getting rid of it after they leave.  If others feel they know how to raise your children better than you do, you can listen politely, thank them for their ideas, then go home and do it your way.  In these cases there is nothing to gain by confrontation except bitter feelings.  The other person is not going to change their mind, and it isn’t really affecting your free agency anyway.  You can still do what you want as soon as they are gone.

Third, We Can Take a Stand. 

If it’s a moral issue and we feel the other person needs to know we don’t agree, we can have the courage to say something.  When students at school swear profusely in classes where my daughter has no option to leave, she smiles and playfully says, “Watch your language!”  They usually do.  Because she respects herself, they respect her as well.

The president of the Laurel class had her tongue pierced and came to conduct a Young Women meeting wearing a tongue ring.  Because this practice contradicts the counsel of the prophet, and because she was the chief role model for all the young women in her ward, the Young Women president took a stand and explained that if the girl wanted to remain the Laurel president and conduct meetings, she could not wear the tongue ring to Sunday meetings or to Mutual.  The leader realized that she could not control the girl’s actions elsewhere, but she could set requirements for the meetings under her stewardship.  By taking a stand, the Young Women president preserved her own integrity, yet also allowed the Laurel president her free agency. 

A young woman who was a junior in high school chose to leave home and live with her boyfriend.  Her parents were heartbroken, but after giving all the counsel and advice they could, they respected her free agency and allowed her to go.  A year later she came home pregnant.  Her husband had joined the army and left her.  Her parents welcomed her back with open arms but reminded her of their longstanding rule.  Anyone who lived in their home had to attend all church meetings.  The girl wasn’t happy about the rule, but she chose to comply rather than find her own place to live.  The parents had the right to take a stand by setting rules that invited the Spirit of the Lord into their home.  The children could choose whether they wished to comply or leave home.  

Safeguarding Integrity.

Perhaps the most challenging place to apply these principles is in a marriage relationship, where the feelings are so delicately intertwined that it is often difficult to recognize situations where we are being controlled.  When we do recognize them, we must have the courage to support our marriage partner when we agree with their actions, to sidestep personal taste items that really don’t matter, and to take a stand when moral issues are at stake.  Only when neither partner is controlling the other is the marriage a true partnership between equal companions.

Our Heavenly Father is the ultimate example of respecting free agency and never exercising control over it.  So often when we wonder why He doesn’t seem to be responding to our prayers, it is because to do so would pressure us to accept His ways.  We must be absolutely free to choose and decide for ourselves.

In our journey of life we are like the traveler going to a distant country.   Satan tries to force us to relinquish our cloak by sending his pounding wind against us, first in gentle gusts, followed by furious gales.  But the Lord simply smiles down upon us with warmth and love, and before we know it, we have chosen to remove the cloak ourselves.

The winds of control never work long-term.  May we recognize them for what they are and value the precious gift of free agency that belongs to each of us.  Then we may bask in the sun of personal integrity as we learn to be true to the deepest wellspring within us

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