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In-Laws:
Your Other Parents
by Claudia
Goodman
[This
article discusses primarily how married couples can deal with their
in-laws. Next month’s article (“Love is Letting Go”) will deal
with how parents can gradually give their children the independence
they need as they prepare to leave home.]
One of my favorite
memories is the day our first daughter-in-law received her temple
endowment prior to her marriage. I slipped quietly into the room.
Amy was seated next to her mother. She smiled and beckoned for
me to come and sit by them. The matron asked the brides to introduce
themselves. Amy stood and gave her name. Then she said, “This
is my mother, and (pointing to me) this is my other mother.”
Tears filled my eyes as I felt her love and full acceptance. I
hope she still feels that way about me today. I cherish her in
every sense as my real daughter.
The thing that
makes marriage so fulfilling is being united with the most precious
person in the world to us. However, we also receive another big
inheritance, one we may not have bargained for—in-laws! It’s challenging
enough learning to adjust to a partner we adore, let alone trying
to step gracefully into his whole family’s way of doing things.
No wonder there are so many mother-in-law jokes!
In most cases
it usually is possible to have a wonderful relationship with
your in-laws—if you work hard enough at it. However, it often takes
a lot of dedicated effort, sometimes for years. Just as in achieving
a perfect marriage, it doesn’t happen all at once. Sometimes it
takes a lifetime. All the examples used in this article are true
experiences that we have observed or experienced, but because of
the intimate nature of the discussion, the names have been changed.
Put your
marriage first.
Next to the Lord, the most important relationship of all is with
your spouse. You are a family unit, and it is vital for you to
establish your own patterns and traditions. John and Sue were elated
with each other. Their first week of marriage was perfect, except
for one thing that took Sue by complete surprise. She was a morning
person and came from a home where rising by 5:00 a.m. was a virtue.
But John was a night person and was used to sleeping late in the
mornings—not excessively, just till 7:30 or so. He also enjoyed
reading the paper at the dinner table—an absolute no-no at Sue’s
house. John and Sue were confronting the dilemma that every new
couple faces: blending their individual family values into a new
lifestlye they can both accept. Together they have to work out
solutions through compromise and loving concern for each other.
A new home is born.
Parents’ influence
comes very heavily into play at this time. Their family values
are being examined and dissected. It is vital for the new couple
to put each other above whatever their parents said or did and reach
conclusions they can both accept and build upon. A strong foundation
does not teeter between the two sets of parents’ homes. It stands
on its own.
Rejoice in
the differences.
Having different guidelines doesn’t mean you have to cut off
your in-laws or be bitter with them. On the contrary, there are
many right ways to do things, and everyone has personal taste.
For this reason the Lord said, “Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they
shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) If only the parents’ guidelines
are used, civilization goes backwards, because the children can’t
build upon the strengths of their parents. If both the husband
and wife take the very best from both of their families, their new
home should be stronger and better than their parents’.
Also, no one
family can have all the strengths. For example, it is impossible
to have a family that hikes together for hours every week, sings
and performs together several times a month, has each of their children
involved in baseball, basketball, football, piano, ballet, cheerleading,
and acting every night, spends an hour and a half on scripture study
each morning, helps people in the ward at least three hours a day,
and has an immaculate house. All those things don’t fit into a
twenty-four hour period. So, each family has to pick and choose.
We all play to our strengths and personal choices, and as we work
together, everything gets covered.
Marci was greatly
frustrated by her in-laws’ style of family reunions. Because they
were so different from her family’s, she felt that they were greatly
inferior. She had grown up in a family that had incredible reunions
every other year. They were well-organized by a different family
member each time. Everyone loved them because of the variety, the
closeness, the fun, and the spirituality they all experienced.
However, Marci’s husband’s reunions were a different story. They
were held every year at the same time and place. Marci’s father-in-law
always planned them and didn’t take suggestions from anyone. Actually,
he didn’t really plan them. They just sort of happened. There
was no structure, and Marci felt bored and out-of-place most of
the time.
She tried talking
to her father-in-law, but to no avail. He liked them exactly the
way they were and wasn’t interested in any new ideas. She felt
herself becoming more and more bitter and critical toward her in-laws.
She talked to her husband and he tried to help her, but it was his
family and he really didn’t know how to change them. Finally Marci
called her mother, who really listened and sympathized with her
feelings. Then her mother said, “I understand exactly how you feel.
Their reunions may not be like ours, but have you ever wondered
why your father-in-law does them the way he does?”
As Marci paused
to reflect, she suddenly realized that the family reunions for her
husband’s family were not her responsibility. She was trying to
usurp her father-in-law’s stewardship. He was entitled to the inspiration
to guide his family, not she. Suddenly all the bitterness melted
away. Just by looking at the situation from a new angle, she was
able to love her father-in-law, appreciate his personal taste, and
respect his stewardship for his family. In addition, she was able
to support him in that stewardship and truly enjoy his style of
family reunion. Marci had learned for herself to rejoice in the
differences she found in her in-laws.
Decide as
a couple where you stand.
Because we are all different, we react in our own way to the experiences
of life. What upsets one couple doesn’t even faze another. For
example, one family might be terribly upset if the house is not
perfectly tidy at all times, while another lives in a constant state
of confusion. Yet both are happy. If there are stressful moments
with in-laws, you overcome them by standing together. Instead of
waiting for smoldering feelings to rupture into flames, talk them
through as a couple ahead of time and decide on a plan of action.
Everything may not be perfect in your relationship with your in-laws,
but at least you can pick your battles and decide where to draw
the line. It works a lot better than constantly attacking them
or burying your head in the sand like an ostrich, pretending they
don’t exist and ignoring them completely.
When Nathan
and Susie have parents visiting them for more than a day or two,
they find it very helpful to invite the parents to play with the
children while they go for a walk. Just having a few minutes alone
helps them to regroup and keep their relationship strong. It also
helps air out any feelings and discuss ways to deal with them.
Then they can decide together on one of three courses of action
that work effectively in dealing with their in-laws:
Three Courses
of Action:
(1)
Adopt the in-laws’ way of doing things.
After all, parents have years of experience, and often they
have found very effective ways to deal with life by trial and error.
Why not learn from their experience? We can incorporate their best
Christmas traditions, their most positive child-rearing techniques,
their successful financial ventures, their innovative housecleaning
techniques, and so on. There is no need to reinvent the wheel.
If their ideas work better than ours, why not use them!
(2) Compromise
cheerfully.
When we don’t agree with their opinions, there are many times
we can simply sidestep them. After all, they don’t live with us
(hopefully), and they will probably only be around for a few days
at a time. We can cater to them while they are there and then go
back to our own way of doing things after they leave. As long as
we feel that we are in control of the situation and our personal
decisions, it’s usually not too hard to bite our tongue for a few
days and even do things their way if necessary.
Jana was a very
busy mother with several children. They had recently moved into
a new home that had decorative shelves in the living room. She
was eager to fill them, but the figurines she had in mind were very
expensive, so she was saving up for them. When her mother-in-law
came to visit, she was very concerned about the empty shelves.
As an act of love, she went to the local department store and bought
a variety of cheap knickknacks and set them out. Jana was greatly
upset and could hardly pretend she was grateful. They were completely
opposite what she had pictured, and she felt that they cheapened
the living room. She liked the shelves better bare than displaying
such ridiculous knickknacks. She also felt hurt, because she believed
her mother-in-law did not approve of the way she kept house.
It was not until
after her mother-in-law left that she realized she had control of
the situation after all. As she talked with her husband, she understood
that all she had to do was take down the knickknacks and wrap them
up or dispose of them. It was that simple. And fortunately she
had resisted the urge to say anything cutting to her mother-in-law.
Their relationship was preserved because she had bit her tongue
and kept silent. The more she thought about the situation, the
more she was touched that her mother-in-law was so anxious to make
her happy. She was able to appreciate the gift, even though her
mother-in-law had interfered with her plans. She hadn’t meant to;
she was only trying to help.
If we can just
remember that we have the final say in our own homes, it’s often
a lot easier to let our parents do things their way, realizing that
it is just short term and that we are still in charge.
(3) Take
a firm stand.
Most parents truly love their married children and want the
very best for them. They just don’t always know how to translate
those feelings into action. They are so used to doing things for
them. It’s hard for them to learn how much to back off and how
much to be there and show the kind of concern they have given their
children all their lives.
There are times
in most marriages when it becomes necessary for children to take
a firm stand with their parents in order to preserve their own values
and independence. And there are a few parents who are so bent on
“helping” their children that they actually threaten the marriage
by insisting that their children be more loyal to them than to their
spouse. I have personally known several cases where the couple
finally chose to move to a different state in order to preserve
their marriage—a very wise decision. They were able to maintain
a friendly relationship with their parents while being far enough
away to run their lives without constant supervision.
We must always
remember that it is as hard to learn to be a parent as to be a child
or a married couple. Parents must learn to let go, just as we must
learn to take over. Sometimes the transition isn’t so smooth.
Even if it becomes necessary to take a firm stand, do it gently
if at all possible. After all, they are your parents—probably for
eternity. It’s best if you can keep your marriage intact without
hurting them.
Matt and Emily
had just announced their engagement and were eagerly looking at
wedding rings. They were anxious to find exactly the right one.
Matt’s mother was an expert on jewelry and had lots of ideas where
to look and how to get the best value. They were happy to take
advantage of her experience until it got to the point that she had
strong opinions about which ring they should select. At that point,
Matt quietly pulled her aside and said, “Mom, Emily and I are going
to pick out the ring ourselves.” He winked at her and gave her
a hug. Then he and Emily took her home and finalized their selection
together. Without causing any hurt feelings Matt was able to help
his mother see exactly where he stood. He was firm but gentle,
and their relationship was preserved.
Remember
that you usually can’t change people.
You can’t change them, but you can love them in spite of their
faults. Try to enjoy your in-laws exactly the way they are. There
is good in everyone. Find that good and nurture it.
Bill and Anne
felt that Bill’s mother was the ideal grandmother. Her grandchildren
absolutely adored her. She had such an incredible way of making
life exciting and special for them. There was only one problem.
Over time Bill and Anne noticed that she favored one of the grandchildren
above the others. She was always commenting on how thoughtful and
caring Jill was and trying to correct Jenny’s selfish behavior.
Finally Bill and Anne became so concerned for Jenny’s feelings that
they decided to confront Bill’s mom. They pointed out to her as
gently as they could that she was playing favorites and asked her
to give the same consideration to Jenny that she did to Jill.
Bill’s mother
was devastated. She left their home and didn’t speak to them for
almost a year. It was a long time before that relationship was
mended. I have a special interest in this story, because I was
the little girl represented by Jenny—the selfish one. I can honestly
say that I was aware that my grandmother liked my sister better
than me, but nevertheless I still felt very loved by her. Her treatment
was not nearly the concern to me that it was to my parents. I guess
I was able to enjoy all the wonderful things she did for me. Years
later my mother told me, “It wasn’t worth talking to Grandma. We
hurt her beyond description and didn’t solve anything. If I could
do it over, I never would have said anything. She was such a wonderful
grandmother in her own way.”
The Savior said
it best, “He who is without sin, let him first cast a stone at her.”
(John 8:7) He realized that you really can’t change anyone; they
can only change themselves. But loving them without condemnation
can work wonders. As we work closely together in our marriages
and look for the good, we can solve most of our problems with in-laws.
My precious little daughter-in-law Amy turned the key when she said
to me, “…and this is my other mother.” That key is love.
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