Allred says, "People who under-react sometimes falsely cast themselves as peacemakers. Often they are people who try to please everyone else but themselves. They defer, submit, give in, and give up when they need to take an active stand for truth and justice. Herbert Byard Swope said, 'I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure—which is: try to please everybody.' Under-reacting is a false comforter because it shows weakness and is often accompanied with thoughts of being more righteous than people who overreact."

Allred continues, "The primary emotion generated by the [under-reacting] flight response is fear—fear of confrontation or of not being adequately prepared for a stressful situation. Related feelings are anxiety, timidity, shyness, inhibition, reticence, apprehension, and even terror. Characteristically under-reactions involve withdrawing, submitting, getting ill, giving in and giving up, or escaping through the use of drugs, alcohol, food, sex, insanity . . . . or suicide."

While under-reactors tend to take flight, over-reactors are more inclined to fight. Brother Allred says, "When you feel like fighting, you are usually overreacting. This response is motivated by your false self's need for power and control. Characteristically, other emotions associated with overreacting are hostility, resentment, guilt (anger at oneself), rage, seething, depression, and hurt. . . . "[putting depression in the category of overreacting was a surprise to me. But Allred said, "We are at our most self-centered state when we are depressed. Nothing can sap our natural strength and health as much as prolonged depression because it is based on the lie of hopelessness. It focuses on our own powerlessness and denies the hope of Christ's deliverance and strength." Wow!]

He continues, "Overreacting is a form of unrighteous dominion—it is motivated by the thought that other people are our adversaries . . . competition, jockeying for power and position, or one-upmanship is the name of the game." He explains that because so much of our society operates on this level, we may believe that overreacting is the natural way to go—that the world could not operate in any other way.

"[Over-reactors] use force, intimidation, and manipulation to maintain their control. Denial, minimization, and especially blame are also used. These latter forms of control are almost always found in abusive relationships. Joseph Smith warned, 'We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion [and in other ways to overreact]" (D&C 121:39). Unrighteous dominion has many faces and can range from physical abuse to harboring resentments."

Allred said the over-reactors use resentment and anger to try to coerce others to conform to their wants and wishes. They feel resentment when others do not live up to the images and expectations they have for them. They are disappointed in people the way they are disappointed in a car that does not run as they expect it to. He says, "Resentment is riddled with judgment and criticism. . . . Instead of motivating others with love, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned, [resenters] fall for the Satan-inspired trap of contention and unrighteous dominion. (See 3 Nephi 11:29-30, D&C 121"41-42). . . Resentment is one of the most [spiritually] dangerous emotions you can harbor. It does far more damage to you than it does to the other person—or object."

He explains that over-reacting and under-reacting are responses of the natural man that can destroy our relationships. Why? Because they are responses that operate without faith or direction from the Spirit. While reactive fight-or-flight responses may work well when "lions, tigers, and bears" are real threats, they work against us in relationships. They usually take us in the opposite direction of positive, constructive action. Allred says that in most cases they are the reactionary products of our fallen world—something that we must overcome. He quotes the Apostle Paul's declaration, "to be carnally minded is death' but to be spiritually minded is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).

Even as I began to sense the real spiritual dangers in over and under reacting I was not prepared for Allred's definition of them as carnal, sensual, and devilish. What did that say about me, a chronic under-reactor? As I continued reading, I sat there stunned. If there was one thing I'd never worried about it was about being carnal, sensual, or devilish. I tended to live in my mind, had always been spiritual inclined. I self-righteously saw myself as a notch above the rampant carnal temptations in our world today. But this author's explanations and clear definition, in a way like President Benson's talk on pride, made it clear that the problem is universal.

I looked up those three words in the dictionary. Here's the first definition of each;

Carnal: pertaining to the flesh, as opposed to the spirit.
Sensual: pertaining the body and the senses, as distinct from the intellect.
Devilish: like or characteristic of the devil.

Then I went back to the text from Keys to Unlocking the Power of Faith. Allred explained that when not in tune, we seek earthly or carnal solutions to our problem, choose carnal thoughts because of ignorance, sin, or the false traditions of our parents. Then he said, "From your carnal thoughts come the sensual feelings of anxiety, doubt, depression, and a host of other feelings that lead to despair."

Whoa! Did I read that right? Anxiety, doubt, depression are sensual feelings? Then he explained, "Feelings become sensual because they are earth-bound, hedonistic, self-centered, self-stroking, or self-punishing. Sensual feelings involve moods of loneliness, alienation, hopelessness, bitterness, resentment, and guilt. These emotions are sensual because [they leave you] without hope in your own self-worth and in the Lord's power to save. Without faith in the Lord Jesus Christ or in your own inner ability to find a remedy, you get locked into mortality, the carnal world around you, knowing only what your five senses tell you. Your efforts become counterproductive to growth and well-being."

How does the devilish part come in? Allred says, "Our sensual feelings seek expression in devilish actions. We want to overreact (to fight) or to under-react (to take flight.) Satan seeks to entice us into extreme behaviors, to lure us into vertical kinds of thinking, whether we overreact or under-react. Satan does not care which way we act, because either way we are in his power."

That explained the misery I have felt when I have either under or over reacted. Still, it requires a paradigm shift to recognize these reactions as devilish (especially under-reacting. I have actually felt virtuous when I have run away, even though it made me miserable not to solve anything, not to have the strength or emotional honesty to talk things through.) Neither had I thought of the feelings in that scenario as sensual, but defining them as of the senses instead of the intellect, they are! It is easy to recognize the irrationality of most over and under reacting behaviors. Involvement in any of those behaviors means being disconnected from rational thought processes.

Brother Allred says, "When sensual feelings occupy your heart, the heavens withdraw and your false self is left, or so it seems, with no solution except to either overreact (to blame, fight, yell, scream, shout, demand, and use unrighteous dominion) or under-react (to submit, withdraw, give in, give up, or become a wimp—a person with no courage or backbone.) Overreacting and under-reacting behaviors are devilish because they are Satan-inspired, selfish choices. They are ineffective in solving problems. . . Overreacting and under-reacting behaviors, both carnal comforters, bring us into bondage, sin, and captivity. When you allow yourself to get caught in the grip of such repeated and unnecessary patterns, it puts enormous physiological stress on your body."

Why Do We Choose to Over and Under React?

"The carnal-sensual-devilish pyramid, with its overreactions and under-reactions, provides an illusion of relief or no one would ever choose it. . . In fits of anger, abusers think that they are gaining the victory, while at the same time the victims of such abuse submit to the evil in martyr-like ways. They think they are pleasing God by not resisting the abuse, or they falsely believe they are to blame for the problems themselves: 'Where did I go wrong? What do I need to do better so these things won't happen again?' "

Because Satan is miserable, he seeks the misery of all mankind (2 Nephi 2:18). He wants us to become intemperate and indulge in [the extreme behaviors of over and under reacting.]" And so, it becomes clear that when I over and under react, I am always giving in to temptations that Satan is very purposefully putting in my path. And that is why I end up miserable when I engage in any of those behaviors.

Brother Allred talks repeatedly about the danger of living in the "false self" [the carnal, worldly natural man self]. He says that both over and under reacting are motivated by false definitions of self. The most dangerous, he infers, is when we define ourselves as so unworthy that not even Christ can save us. (To know the doctrines of the gospel quite well, attend meetings, but think we must overcome our habits through our own power because we are unworthy of divine assistance. Worst of all false self definitions is not feeling loved by the Lord.)

Allred continues, "This earth is not our real home. . . Your pains are not forever. Thinking otherwise is a product of your earthbound false self. When your false self is in control, you become locked into a worldly illusion rather than a correct vision of things as they really are and can be through the Lord Jesus Christ. When you are in your false self, you do not realize the negative impact you have had on yourself because of the ideas you have been entertaining over the years. . . . For this reason you will typically fall—your own fall from grace—by choosing the false comforter of overreacting and under-reacting." He explains that codependent relationships are created when people who overreact need people who under-react to complete the interdependence of the relationship. But all it accomplishes is to confirm their false beliefs about themselves.

The real self is the divine, spiritual self, which consistently chooses light and truth. Over and under reacting have no basis in light and truth and are never motivated by the promptings of the Holy Ghost. That is sufficient reason for us to recognize and overcome these patterns.

What Are the Solutions?

Allred's book is full of solutions. I highly recommend it. Allred says that the real solution is centering our being on Christ, recognizing that all good things come from him and that nobody in this sphere has anything worth getting angry about. He says, "We can't change other people's behaviors, but we can change the way we view them. When people treat you unfairly, you have a responsibility to talk to them in firm but loving ways and let them know how you feel. If they continue, rather than letting resentment build up, change your image. Without being condescending, say to yourself something like, 'They probably are doing the best they can according to what they understand. I will continue to pray for them so that we both can see things more from God's point of view.'

If abuse and hostility continue, you must take action yourself. . . Sometimes people who feel that they just can't cope any longer choose to run away when they should, in fact, stand their ground. At times the Lord will command us to courageously stand our ground and not be moved out of our place. We need not feel guilt-ridden when we have done all we can to establish peace and then must actively defend what is right by firm action."

"You may have to create physical distance between you and the other person. This is what Nephi had to do in the Promised Land when he and his family packed up their goods and left Laman and Lemuel and their families behind . . . and when the Latter-day Saints left Nauvoo and went to the Great Salt Lake Valley." Remember that it was the Lord that counseled them to leave—and that we need to be certain that is the Lord's counsel to us before we decide on that course of action. And Allred reminds us that if we have to leave, remember to leave resentment behind.

Allred said that the Savior gave the commandment to "love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44) more for the mental and physical health of the abused than for the benefit of the abusers.

All negative patterns are learned behaviors and can be unlearned. Positive ways of coping—ways congruent with your real self--can be put into practice. One example he gave was a woman named Jane who came in for counseling referred by her medical doctor because of chronic guilt feelings, and headaches and backaches that had no medical basis. Jane also complained that she felt like she was losing her mind as well as her own identity as an individual. She was trying so hard to please her parents, who lived across the street, her husband, and her two very demanding sons.

In therapy, Jane learned quickly that she almost always under-reacted in an attempt to win the love of the men in her life. Her father, brother, husband, and sons all over-reacted in insure that they got their way and controlled their relationships. Jane and her mother had both adopted under-reactions to placate their men. Jane's coping crisis involved coming to grips with her constant pattern of trying to please others, and not validating herself as a person with rights and needs equally as valid as those of the men around her. . . .[As she learned to change her under-reacting patterns] her backaches and headaches began to diminish . . they were completely gone after the fifth week."

Allred gives us a summary of how to overcome the spiritual dangers inherent in both over and under reacting: "Your real self recognizes that every problem can be viewed from an eternal context. When your real self is in control, you will have the faith to endure and to manage your problems in a spirit of peace. . . . Only by trusting Christ in his almighty power to heal and by obeying his commandments can we truly find the bread of life and living waters through which we will never hunger not thirst again." 1

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