Cultural norms are a part of any institution, group, family, or organization.  They are complex rules that define what is normal and acceptable (or not) in a setting.  Norms can be made clear or they can be subtle or even hidden.  But even unspoken norms are powerful. 

Norms can be personal or institutional, doctrinal or ideological – which can be easily confused. 

Norms can be good and they can injure.  They empower some while keeping others in line or at the margins.  Norms are a means of sorting people; thus, they can be arguably and even necessarily divisive.  They can at once show us truth and/or dumb us down, by simultaneously preordaining reaction and thought in both good and/or bad ways.  

In the film Fiddler on the Roof, norms were also referred to as traditions:  “They tell us who we are and what God expects from us.”  The more central norms are to the identity, safety, stability and superiority of the group, the less tolerant members can be of divergence.  Parenthetically, this is especially true in a revolution – cultural or otherwise.  Revolutions demand tolerance while they advance new, absolute and inflexible norms.   

Norms do not necessarily breed tolerance.  On the contrary, they often invite the inseparable conformity and judgment. Conformity and judgment breed hyper awareness, including self and other awareness.

Hyper awareness invites comparisons – and a host of resulting emotions, including pride, defensiveness, rejection, admiration, emulation and more. 

Comparing is a way of ranking ourselves against the ways we perceive others; thus, how others are or what they do becomes a norm.  This reality can lead us to do all sorts of interesting or concerning things in order to “fit in.”

I remember laughing with a black, LDS friend (a convert) residing in Utah, as she shared the ways her East Coast family of origin criticizes her “Mormon dress” habits.  They accuse her of dressing like a white Mormon female from Utah.  They laugh at her denim jumper over a white T-shirt, and how she pulls her hair back into a ponytail that is held together by a large white bow.  “I do it to fit in,” she laughed. 

We have strong and numerous norms as Latter Day Saints.  Some are of region and others of religion.  I have often examined the pictures included in the Ensign magazine and pondered the subtle norms they suggest about us – how members are portrayed in dress, background, race, class, conduct and such. 

How a group portrays itself is central to establishing identity.  Hence, norms can even be inferred from just the appearance of those called into positions of authority; they may have a certain look or presence, tone or demeanor.  Image is a powerful norm of identity and reward.  In short, norms are complex.  Little wonder they can drive us crazy.

Norms and Diverse Challenges

However strong a set of norms may be, real differences in abilities, challenges, and circumstances within groups may limit full compliance with some norms by some members.  Since participation is part of identity, I wonder how members feel about themselves who cannot, for reasons outside of their control, live all the norms? 

For example, in our church culture, a divorced mother may feel invisible in a congregation of mostly married people.  A young black female convert may desire a temple marriage but find few worthy or willing marriage partners in a white-dominated church.  A young man may desire with all his heart to go on a mission and marry in the temple, but struggles with same-gender attraction.

These examples reflect the struggles of several LDS people I know who just want to fit in and fully enjoy the group.  Their struggle is not with the doctrine, but with their circumstances.  And because each suffers from a bit of perfectionism (a common malady among LDS folks), their limitations cause personal frustration.  Because they cannot meet the norms perfectly, they may wonder what is wrong with them.

Thus, going to church may be a struggle for these individuals.  After all, how do they fit in when norms are so tied to status and identity, and when they do not meet core norms?   

A Sorrow that the Eye Can’t Always See

Of the three examples of struggling members presented, I am particularly concerned in this article about the last – those faithful members who struggle with same-gender attraction.  I will dedicate the remainder of this article to them.  I understand the risk I am taking in raising the issue and norm of homophobia among some members. 

Race and marital status are easy to see.  Same-gender attraction is not; in fact, it is often hidden in our faith communities, as in the larger culture.  This is wise, given how this challenge is typically received by much of society. 

The struggle against same-gender attraction is not well understood by many of us; hence, it is not well received.  For that reason, I cannot imagine a greater challenge than to be LDS and to struggle against same-gender attraction, depending upon the strength of the pull.

The hidden nature of this challenge means that we have no way of knowing who is really struggling with this trial, and what a trial it can be.  This fact calls for even more sensitivity on our part towards all who struggle with this or any persistent and problematic pull against core norms.

Creating a Culture of Safety

Within our church culture, some individuals as leaders are called to hear of these struggles.  Priesthood leaders are privy to sensitive matters, and are restrained by great norms of conduct in how they hold this information and these individuals.  Hopefully they are paragons of love and compassion in this difficult process, and valiantly protect the confidences and confidence of those they shepherd through struggles.

Leaders are the front line of ensuring safety for struggling members outside the family.  Hopefully, members will follow the loving examples of sensitive and supportive families and leaders who help shoulder the struggle.

Not all will. Unfortunately, gossips in any ward, or insensitive youth, exercise no such restraint when they become aware of individuals who struggle with this challenge (or any challenge, really). 

Such unrestrained wills and undisciplined hearts make the community less safe for all, by mocking, or disrespecting the challenged with hurtful labels.  Better they learn not to, for those who mock are destined to mourn (Ether 12: 26-27).  I surely have.

This mocking comes of ignorance, fear, and false superiority.  That someone struggles with a particular challenge is not an invitation for any judgment, only compassion, mercy and grace.  Those who judge without mercy or grace cannot be used by God to help dispense helping and healing mercy and healing grace.  They do not possess them, for we only possess or increase in mercy and grace as we extend them to others. 

Thus, the ignorant, cruel, and fearful hinder their own progress. By denying others grace and mercy, they deny themselves these same blessed measures only magnified and enlarged as they return to us.  “Cast your bread upon the water….”  Moreover, by withholding love, some individuals may unintentionally help to drive struggling members to find more accepting communities, or worse.

A Refining Condition

As to its origins, I do not know why same-gender attraction exists for some people.  No one does, or why God is silent as to explanations.  However, I do know God allows the struggle or it would not exist.  Please note that allowing the struggle and approving the act or not the same thing.

I believe there is a spiritually refining purpose for this challenge.  We may not fully understand that purpose or this challenge until we are gods and create worlds where opposites are the norm – dark/light, health/sick, poor/rich, and so on.  When we do understand, we will not prevent it in our future worlds, either. 

It cannot be some oversight or mistake from God that we will correct when we are gods; it has to be a natural phenomenon, occurring somehow in this Telestial order – but only in this order.  Whatever the truth is, this challenge is real and has to have purpose beyond our current understandings.

I suspect that a prime purpose of this most uncommon struggle is to teach and to test all of humanity (those who struggle with it specifically, and especially those of us who do not understand their struggle) as our brother’s keepers, generally. 

Remarkable Souls

Over the past few years, God has brought into my life a number of wonderful, faithful, and decent LDS people who struggle with this challenge.  I am glad he has.  They have taught me much, including about courage and love, prejudice and ignorance.  In reaching out to them, I have come to see that love is the indispensable force behind bearing the burdens of others.  Without that love, you may only add to those burdens.

I have also learned that these souls possess some remarkable similarities – wonderful gifts.  If the world is not too much with them, and they do not take their cues from the precepts of men, those who struggle against this challenge can be immensely sensitive, caring, and kind … including to their critics. 

They tend to be very accepting of others, knowing the awfulness of judgment and rejection.  However, they tend to be extremely self-loathing at times.

These individuals are multitalented and highly capable; God clearly gave them strengths to steady them against the challenges.  These strengths are evidence that God has not left them alone – nor should we.

Moreover, these individuals don’t want to be defined by their struggles any more than the rest of us do.  Many of them recognize that our challenges are not the sum total of who and what we are.  I blame the activists for equating a person with his/her struggles, though people can surely make that argument true by the choices they make. 

Think about it.  Are you a thief just because the temptation to steal happens to be particularly strong in you?  A person really can struggle against same-gender attraction and not be gay.  To call a person “gay” is to suggest there is no other option but surrender to desire, and to make that surrendering the person’s identity. 

This is a self-serving argument put forth by those more interested in changing society than helping people who want to work towards heterosexuality.  Same-gender pull is a fluid condition for many.  And it is not oppressive to offer help to those seeking a way out of this struggle; to deny them this help would certainly be, however.

When it becomes a lifetime struggle, a celibate life (hard as it must be), only makes sweeter the ultimate wholeness and eternal happiness that awaits those who never marry and yet remain chaste before God. 

We have long been taught that those denied the greatest blessings in life through no fault of their own, won’t be denied these things in the world to come.  I believe the application and scope of this principle and promise are generous and broad, and include those who never marry but remain faithful due to this challenge.  Praise God for the atonement!

Let God judge all matters as to the final state of souls.  Besides, who are we to say what chances a person has had in life?

The matter of same-gender attraction is complex, to be sure.  Nonetheless, activists and scientists do not have all the answers or understand all the possibilities.  Neither do we.  But I’ll stay with what we know over what they often assert.  We are all looking at an incomplete map of this territory.  Let love lead us through the uncertainty. 

Love One Another

I am confident that members who struggle against this challenge are not unclear about our doctrinal positions on mainstream gay issues.  Some members may equate Church rejection of gay sex with those struggling with same-sex attraction, but they are not the same. 

A message of love and compassion must ring through the rancor gay sex breeds, especially among believers in Christ.  We have to do better than “hate the sin, love the sinner.”  In fact, this statement could come across to some as soft bigotry if we equate temptation with sin.  Jesus was tempted.  Was that sin? It is not so much the challenges we face that matter, but the choices we make in response to those challenges that determine our destiny, identity, and happiness.  

The faithful LDS I know who struggle against this challenge understand the immorality of gay sexuality, and the importance of chastity and temple ordinances as appropriate and unchanging norms.  They are not trying to change these norms; they only hope to find a more accepting and understanding church regarding the nature of this struggle.  Their continued struggle against this attraction is evidence of their commitment to living Gospel principles.

Some will fight this battle all their lives; others will be able to manage it or even move away from it.  No one knows why this is.  But we know what God expects of us; love him and then one another.  Our ability to love diverse individuals is evidence of our ability to truly love him in deepening ways. 

I do not know all the ways we will make our faith communities safer for those who struggle with this, or any challenge, but we must, and we can do so without changing our doctrine.  Pure love must be the ultimate norm for those seeking the powers and responsibilities inherent in attaining exaltation, all other norms are secondary.

We must examine our hearts with respect to those who struggle for any reason.  Unloving hearts, such as the one attributed to the brother of the prodigal son, will not make us a safe society.  Without pure love, our doctrine, exhortations, and judgments will only come across as obnoxious dogma. 

Finally, in a church of fully imperfect members pleading for grace and mercy, where “loving God and one another” are primary norms, none should feel superior or inferior; none should feel lonely; none should feel afraid; all should feel safe; all should be loved more perfectly, for perfect love casteth out phobia.

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Jim Birrell is a professor of Teacher Education at Brigham Young University where he develops teacher certification programs for career-change teachers in urban settings, runs the BYU inner city student teaching program/partnership in Washington, D.C., establishes teacher preparation partnerships in various urban settings, and conducts research on preparing teachers for diverse learners. He has taught multicultural education for 9 years, and general teaching methods coursework. He is a published author and is currently serving as a Marriage and Family Relations teacher.
He received his Ed.D from University of Nevada, Las Vegas in Curriculum and Instruction. He has been married 25 years to the former Kristine Densley and is the father of three children.

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