By
Darla Isackson
Since
writing of my son’s suicide, in addition to responses
from those who have also lost children this way, I have received
e-mails from many parents of troubled children – children
languishing in prison, children addicted to drugs and alcohol
who have threatened and even tried to commit suicide, children
who have left the gospel path or are wavering. Although the
experience I relate in regard to forgiving has come about
because of my specific trial, I believe it will help anyone
hurting because of the choices of others.
The
Surprise Emotion: Anger
As
my healing journey continues, a friend asked me what I am
feeling at this stage. I feel intense gratitude for my knowledge
of the gospel, and I feel that my deep sorrow is precious
somehow – because it is genuine. I feel alive more than
depressed, and involved in the important process of being
human and experiencing the full range of feelings the Lord
must have intended his children to experience in mortality.
There is much to be learned here and I am determined to learn
it.
I
feel my life issues and unhealed hurts surfacing. I feel a
great need to reassess, repent, and apply the Atonement in
my life, and to more deeply internalize every gospel principle.
(Especially forgiveness, the topic of this article.) And,
I have been feeling something I didn’t expect –
anger!
I
know that Brian suffered from some kind of chemical imbalance
or mental illness; still I had a week when I was angry at
everything and everybody that could have contributed to his
problems. I was angry at myself, my former spouse, and my
other children for not being able to give Brian more of what
he needed. Angry that despite all my righteous desires I was
still so lacking in regard to relationships in general. I
was angry at Brian’s school friends, church friends,
cousins who used to tease Brian. Angry at the person who recently
stole Brian’s prized guitar, at business associates
who took advantage of him, friends who didn’t honor
their agreements. Angry at Brian for closing his mind to the
possibility that the biggest thing he was missing in his life
was the gospel, and for not telling anyone how bad he was
feeling. Even angry at the Lord for placing Brian in this
particular set of conditions and for not somehow prompting
one of us who loved Brian to go rescue him.
My
anger, while it does offer clues of what I need to work on,
also opens wide the jaws of temptation to cast blame on all
who may have let Brian down, and even to counsel the Lord.
Also, since I was raised in a home where all anger was labeled
“bad,” anger tempts me to feel rotten about myself
just for feeling angry. I came to the conclusion that the
only way to sidestep these temptations is to learn to truly
forgive.
The
Principle of Letting Go
I
went and talked to my bishop, Jeffrey Edwards. His counsel
feels so inspired, so simple, so right. He said to look forward
– not back. He counseled me to recognize that the feelings
of anger and hurt I’m having are normal, and that I
should not beat myself up for them. Instead, I should express
my willingness in prayer to let the Lord take them from me.
He told me the Corrie Ten Boom story – one I have often
used in talks, but sorely needed to be reminded of.
Corrie
and her sister Betsie were sent to Ravensbruck concentration
camp for the “crime” of harboring Jews. Her sister
died there. Years later Corrie told a powerful experience
she had with a former captor. She said, “It was in a
church in Munich that I saw him, working his way forward against
the others leaving after a meeting where I had just spoken
with the message that God forgives. One moment I saw the overcoat
and the brown hat; the next a blue uniform and visored cap
with its skull and crossbones. It came back with a rush: this
man had been a guard at Ravensbruck concentration camp where
we were sent . . .
“Now
he was in front of me, hand thrust out. ‘You mentioned
Ravensbruck in your talk,’ he was saying. ‘I was
a guard in there.’ No, he did not remember me. ‘But
since that time,’ he went on, ‘I have become a
Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel
things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your
lips as well. Fraulein,’ – again the hand came
out – ‘will you forgive me?’ And I stood
there – I whose sins had every day to be forgiven –
and could not. Betsie had died in that place – could
he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?”
She reminded herself of Jesus’ words, “If you
do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father
in heaven forgive your trespasses.” She knew she must
forgive him, yet she said, “Still I stood there with
the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an
emotion – forgiveness is an act of the will, and the
will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.
‘Jesus, help me!’ I prayed silently, ‘I
can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’
And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one
stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took
place. The current started in my shoulder, seemed to flood
my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. ‘I forgive
you, brother,’ I cried. ‘With all my heart.’
For a long moment we grasped each others’ hand, the
former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s
love so intensely as I did then.” (Clippings from
My Notebook, p. 92)
Bishop
Edwards said something like, “Tell the Lord that you,
like Corrie, are willing to forgive and let go of the
bad feelings, but acknowledge that only He has the power to
complete the healing process of forgiveness. Expect that angry
feelings and grief feelings will continue to surface now and
then. Healing is a long-term process. Just feel the hurt,
feel the anger. Give it all to the Lord.” He said to
ask the Lord in any moment of pain to apply the healing blood
of the Savior, then move on. He counseled me to ask the Lord
to help me forgive and to feel His forgiveness every time
bad feelings come up.
In
his book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis explains why
this process is so important: “After the first few steps
in the Christian life we realize that everything which really
needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God. (pp.
165-66) I do not have the power in myself, apart from God,
to forgive or access the Atonement – only my dependence
on the Lord makes it all possible.
Grief
along the Path of Healing
As
I began working to apply all this, I was drawn to visit Brian’s
grave site for the first time since his burial. It was much
harder than I anticipated. I was so overcome with grief as
the reality of his death hit me all over again that I could
not hold myself upright. First I kneeled, then collapsed on
the grass by his grave and sobbed – grateful that no
one else was around. The day had been stormy and it began
to sprinkle, and the cold rain seemed fitting somehow. I lay
there and sobbed my heart out, saying, “Oh Brian, I’m
so sorry. I wish I could have given you more emotional support,
could have understood you more. Please forgive me. Father,
please forgive me, and help Brian find the healing love and
support there that he never felt here. Please help
me understand and feel the reality of the Atonement and how
it applies to me – and to Brian. Please help me to forgive.
Help me remember that the most important thing I can do is
follow my bishop’s counsel to turn to Thee moment by
moment; to feel the power of the Atonement each time I hurt.
I want to forgive, really forgive, and to know, really know
that I am forgiven for any sin of commission or omission that
may have contributed to Brian’s problems.”
“Father,
Forgive Them, for They Know Not What They Do”
I
attended the temple the same day, pondering the whole principle
of forgiveness. My heart was full of the desire to forgive
and be forgiven, but I still felt the need to understand more
deeply how to accomplish it moment by moment. I silently admitted
my angry feelings to the Lord and prayed for His help. I
told Him how much I wanted to let go, but what a hard time
I was having doing it. I knew that God’s promises of
forgiveness are sure, yet conditional on our forgiving one
another: I was reminded of the scripture, “Ye
ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his
brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord;
for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord,
will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required
to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:9-10).
I
pondered those persons I needed to forgive and asked, “How
can I fully forgive others? Is forgiveness something
you can finish or do you have to keep doing it over and over?”
(I'd thought so many times that I had accomplished it –
yet here I was again.) I sat for a long time in the celestial
room, wrestling spiritually with this dilemma, pleading with
the Lord for understanding and guidance.
Finally
the same scripture came into my mind that the bishop quoted
in Brian's memorial service, “Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do.” Just thinking those words brought
greater peace than I’d had for a while. The Spirit whispered
convincingly that these words apply to almost any hurtful
word or action in mortality and could help me “let go
and let God.” Does any weak mortal limited in perspective
and knowledge, blinded by false traditions and painful past
experiences, really know what he is doing? I wondered.
How much awareness is really possible of the pain we might
be causing in another human heart, or the negative consequences
we might be contributing to? Isn’t that one thing the
Atonement is really about – to make up the difference
for our ignorance, poor judgment, lack of understanding? I
envisioned each person on my list, and said, “Father,
forgive them, for they did not know the hurt they were causing.”
I felt my heart relax, and a sweet and welcome peace enter
in. I turned the healing phrase to myself and said, “Father,
forgive me, for I knew not what I was doing that may have
hurt Brian, and I knew not how to do any better than I did.”
I had a vision in my mind of all of us on the Other Side,
now having the Savior’s help to understand, to recognize
any injury we had caused, in utter humility asking each other’s
forgiveness, gratefully acknowledging the Savior’s forgiveness
through the Atonement, and peacefully reconciling.
The
definition of repentance in the Bible dictionary, page 760
is: “A change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God,
about oneself, and about the world . . . A turning of the
heart and will to God and a renunciation of sin to which we
are naturally inclined.” I received a fresh view that
day in the temple; I received an assurance that that reconciliation
will all some day come to pass, and that in the meantime I
can trust God in all things. It was a healing process; one
I enjoy repeating in my mind’s eye, one I need to remind
myself of daily, even moment by moment.
Forgiveness
Is a Process
I
must not fall into the trap of believing that forgiving is
a one-time event – that I accomplished it and it is
finished. It is, instead, a continuing process. In chapter
7 of a yet unpublished book, author Rod W. Jeppsen said: “If
we look for one huge experience that will allow us to forgive,
we may never find forgiveness. Forgiveness, for the most part,
is made up of little changes we make over time until one day
we find ourselves at peace. We have to be willing to give
up the hurt and pain so forgiveness can take its place. That's right – forgiveness replaces the hurt and pain.
We do not have room in our hearts for both. At some point
we either let forgiveness in or we choose to hold onto the
hurt and pain. It really is our choice. We don’t have
to rush it. We don’t have to work on someone’s
schedule, and forgiveness really does not have much to do
with the person who offended us. It’s between us and
the Lord. Forgiving is what we can do only when we have the
Lord’s Spirit in our lives and hearts. Like all other
gospel principles, the Lord has not asked us to forgive others
without preparing a way for us to forgive ….”
Rod
concluded, “At times we may think we have forgiven and
then we are hit again with resentment and anger. When we feel
confused by our tendency to revisit those feelings, it’s
important to realize that forgiveness is an ongoing process
that takes time. We must apply patience to this process and
give ourselves credit for every small degree of success, knowing
we’ll have more later on. Over time we come to realize
that an unforgiving heart hurts us more than it hurts
the person who may have offended us. We learn that forgiveness
is not about them, it’s about us!”
I’ve
learned that I cannot change the past but that I can change
the way I perceive the whole situation in order to get unstuck
from the past. For me, writing is an amazing tool in that
process; I find it especially beneficial in the quiet morning
hours. As I write, the Holy Ghost often reveals to me truths
I had not suspected – or had forgotten. Writing about
a situation often softens my heart toward others, and helps
me see the hurt they were carrying, and helps me see that
my judgment of them is often the thing that needs to be changed.
I often find through writing that I have dropped the hurt
and anger and have allowed myself to move on. In so doing
I am in that moment accessing the Atonement in my own life
and showing my faith in the Atonement in the lives of others
as well.
The
Atonement
The
height and depth and breadth of the Atonement are breath-taking.
Boyd K. Packer gave this assurance: “I repeat, save
for the exception of the very few who defect to perdition,
there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression,
no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete
forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ.”
(Ensign, Nov. 1995, 20).
In
his book The Broken Heart, Bruce Hafen said, “While
it is true that we can achieve no other success that will
in fact compensate for our failures within or outside our
homes, there is a success that compensates when we cannot
– after all we can do in good faith. That success is
the Atonement of Jesus Christ, whose influence can mend what
for us is beyond repair.
“The
Atonement compensates not only for our sins, but for our errors
in judgment, our mistakes made through ignorance, and the
hurtful effects of others’ poor choices in our lives.”
Oh, how my heart resonates to the assurance and peace in those
words!
President
James E. Faust said, “All of us benefit from the transcendent
blessings of the Atonement and the Resurrection, through which
the divine healing process can work in our lives. The hurt
can be replaced by the joy the Savior promised … Through
faith and righteousness all of the inequities, injuries, and
pains of this life can be fully compensated for and made right.”
(Ensign, Nov. 1996, 52)
Elder
Orson F. Whitney said: “You parents of the wilful and
the wayward! Don't give them up. Don't cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd
will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours
– long before he entrusted them to your care –
and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have
but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is
merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings
the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far
more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best
of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in
power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend
…
“The
Prophet Joseph Smith declared … ‘Though some of
the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them,
and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine
Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to
the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will
return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they
will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but
if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a
loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful
experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless
and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith.
Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.’”
(Conference Report, Apr. 1929, p. 110.)
Peace
Tiptoes into Our Souls and Hope Prevails
I
suspect that the adversities and unfulfilled expectations
of my life may be the very expectations He had for me in order
to teach me what I most need to learn. In D&C 111:11,
the Savior promised, “I will order all things for your
good … as fast as ye are able to receive them.”
I need to place my faith and trust in His will and in His
timetable. No matter how short or long the time required,
as long as I am sincerely trying to do the best I can with
my limited ability I will eventually be able to fully forgive,
and feel forgiven. I will overcome through Christ. I have
the promise of our Good Shepherd that He will stay by my side
through it all. The pain of my lost dreams – for myself
and for Brian – is not necessarily evidence of injustice
or that I am irreparably flawed, but evidence that the Lord
has much to teach me, that His will is different from my will.
The Savior doesn’t want me to beat myself up when I
recognize these things; he wants me to turn and live! He wants
me to feel His love and to know I am his beloved child, to
know that all righteous desires that are His will can
yet be filled.
I
know the Lord understands and will help me overcome every
pattern that is not for my best good and growth. He will
help me fight my inner battles. He will make up the difference
between what I lack and what is required, until the victory
is complete and I am fully His.
A
dear friend e-mailed: “I know that you will find peace
of heart as your armor of faith girds you up. The wonderful
knowledge is that peace of heart does come. We don’t
know when it comes. But it tiptoes quietly into our souls
and whispers to us that all will be well. God has the plan
and it has not all been revealed to us. Our job is to trust
in Him. It is a journey in learning how to trust and accept
that all will be well.”
I
love these words from “How Firm a Foundation”
(Hymn 85)
