Turning 50: Things I Wish I’d Known Before
By Jim Birrell

You have probably seen lists of life’s little lessons.  They are things that range from   “Remember to tip the breakfast waitress well.  She had to get up early and she doesn’t earn as much as the night crew,”to the more profound divine tutorials. As he turns 50, Meridian writer, Jim Birrell, has compiled a list of his own lessons from life.  These are for you to enjoy and they come with an invitation.  Meridian readers—send us  two or three sentences telling us something that life has taught you.  These can be every day lessons, funny lessons or profound lessons.  Be sure to include your name and location. If we hear from enough of you, we’ll publish your responses.  Send them to feedback@meridianmagazine.com

As I approach my 50^th birthday, I find myself a bit philosophical and introspective.  I ask myself what lessons of life, love, marriage (family), religion and other general stuff I have learned in a half-century of wandering through this mortal maze we call a test. I offer you now a summary of many of the truths I have come to embrace thus far. So, in celebration of my first 50 years, and in anticipation of more to come, I offer you these bits of wisdom, many of them not original, but striking my life as they came with the power of firsthand experience.  They are life’s little lessons, and however much any of us might wish we’d known them early on in life, they require the journey. 

On Life:

·        Life is a test, and an odd sort of test at that.  We are often given the problem in order to determine the answer.  Sometimes the answer is already within us.  Sometimes it eludes us, leaving us more confused, which may be the test—to continue the exam despite any clear answers.

·        The test is different for each of us. It is no use comparing ourselves to others and believing our lot is too hard, because other’s tests are largely invisible to us.

·        Two people can go through a similar or even shared experience and see it very differently.  There is no common meaning in common experience, only in the perspective of people—which makes agreement and understanding complex pursuits.

·        Some tests are about learning content and others about learning to be content.  To be content requires gratitude, and wanting less in an age of ecstatic excess and easy access.  It’s hard to be content in the age of addiction we live in.

·        I don’t believe that we jumped for joy as spirits at the opportunity of being tested.  I have yet to meet the student who loves final exams.  And this mortal test has one grand final exam attached to it.  If we really jumped for joy, as the scriptures suggest, it likely had nothing to do with the test, but with the proctor of the exam—Jesus.  Perhaps what caused us to shout for joy was his promise that if we are humble, he would take us by the hand and lead us along—all the way back to home (see D&C 112: 10). This amazing safety net means that we may stumble, but with our hand firmly in his, we will not fall—like a child learning to walk while holding the hand of her steady mother.

·        Speaking of mothers, my mother was wrong; there are foolish people. They’re everywhere. Protect yourself from them. And there are wicked people, also.  Some realities we just cannot afford to be wrong on or overly tolerant of. 

·        When God wishes to destroy a nation, he takes away their wisdom and they are filled with wrath: they give way to their anger, and thus lay the foundation for their own destruction (from the Millennial Star 16:724).  Have you ever heard a better explanation of today’s philosophies?  They are making us more stupid, divided and angry.

·        Let people be who they are going to be; wanting them to be like you only validates you, not them.  Where possible, replace judgment with a better example.

·        Do your own thinking—and do it often.  

·        Everything today is political—everything; it’s the new religion.  Very little in life any more is spiritual.  The mutiny of the ‘60’s threw the “divine” Captain overboard and is now running a ship of fools.

·        Carefully consider the “ist” tribes you identify with, and the “isms” you embrace in your pursuit of social affirmation and personal validation.

·        When it matters most, invite a degree of pessimism. An ounce of caution…

·        We all make mistakes.  Failure is only feedback. Public mistakes are the most difficult to endure, but should bring the most compassion.  We all make them.

·        Stop criticizing. It makes you mean and keeps you from loving people.

·        Stop being a perfectionist. It both reveals and feeds your desire to be superior.

·        Simplify your life.  Most people want too much.  Mormons are especially good at this.  Admit it, we think God pays us to be good; after all, doesn’t he prosper us in the land if we are good?  Don’t we equate accumulation with goodness, and position with possession? We even confuse significance with prominence, in our respect for authority and office.

·        Don’t fear death.  I have been there for a few short moments, thanks to a car accident at age 20.  Instead, fear a life where as you die, you are preparing your excuses for all the things you knew you should have done but never got around to because you were too distracted.

·        Think yourself a fool, and you will find that you agree with many people on at least one truth.

·        Understand the atonement; we make it harder than it has to be.  And remember that the “after all you can do” principle does not include cultivating neurosis to perfection. Anxiety is not the 11^th virtue that President Hinckley failed to mention in his book Standing for Something.

More on Life

·        Stop being so judgmental of one another; it causes us to look self-righteous.  

·        You weren’t sent here to prop up Babylon. You were sent here to prepare the world for His coming. Anything more than our daily bread is ultimately and arguably a step in the wrong direction—read Nibley from time to time on that point.

·        Want less and give away more; help others get what they need.  Sell the boat and use the money to send an illegal alien to college.  

·        Keep perspective; we are all children playing “adult” in a large telestial sandbox. Play nice and share your toys.  And don’t forget to play with your kids more than you do.

·        Not everything that is important is interesting, and not everything that is interesting is important.  Discern! 

·        This is not a Burger King world; no one owes you anything.  You reap what you sow.  If you don’t believe me, sit under a tree and wait for God to bring you a sandwich when you get hungry, and see what happens; this is the role of modern government.

·        Don’t believe that happiness is an entitlement, or that there is someone out there that is dying to love you the way you deserve to be loved.  How silly it is to believe that there is someone living whose only desire is to become your Stepford spouse?  Get real!  

·        Men often think they are smarter than women; women often think that they are better than men.  Both are wrong.

·        Don’t play small.  Never argue for weakness or limitations.  No one benefits from you making excuses to justify failure.  Just do it—the best you can.

·        The only difference between you and a brain surgeon is the knowledge the surgeon has been willing to gain and the experience he has been willing to seek.  So, stop complaining about your circumstances and seek the knowledge and experience needed to change them.

·        As I have heard it said, sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.  Sometimes you’re the seagull and sometimes the unsuspecting tourist. Carry a Kleenex for life’s unexpected moments.

·        Find the good in everything, for there is opposition in all things.

·        The ultimate reality is out of this world—literally. Better to be a spiritual misfit in this world than a secular one in the world to come.  Thus, spend your time on what matters most.

On Love:

·        True love is earned.  It takes time to develop.  And it is more precious than gold.

·        Love may be unconditional but relationships are not. Set your limits; don’t take abuse.

·        To love unconditionally means to love someone despite the way they are, not just the way they are.  Moreover, unconditional love for some person does not mean that you have to spend eternity with them; God loves perfectly all his children in all kingdoms.

·        Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.  We are more often stupid and insensitive than willfully evil in our conduct toward one another.  Assume the best of intentions. Demonizing the sum of a person we find disagreeable is irrational.

·        Respect yourself and others.  Remember that there is no virtue in being fiercely self-focused and aggressive in conduct—even if it seems to get things done.

·        You didn’t marry the wrong person.  You have failed to become the right person for this relationship. Love means you both have to change—to improve.  Embrace it!

·        Gift (and I mean gift) to one another what you need to he happy; that is the meaning of grace, to give to the undeserving what they need.  And if you married someone who sometimes seems to you like a loser, treat them like a winner; that you picked them does not give you the right to pick on them.

·        The happiest marrieds are also the best of friends.

·        There are only two kinds of people in heaven—parents and those who serve them.  What does that suggest about how we ought to spend our time and where we ought to focus our best preparations?  Besides, what use does heaven have of your arguably puny professional skills, anyway?

·        If you are not becoming more loving, even of the difficult people, you are missing the point of this life.  As you become more loving, those people who once irritated you will seem miraculously transformed.

·        Love your parents.  Forgive them for being imperfect. Your kids will think you are a dodo, too.  When they do, just encourage them to do a better job than you did. Apologize for being an imperfect parent and for giving birth to imperfect children; that should end the discussion when they begin to confess your sins.

More on Love

·        Fear is the opposite of love, for perfect love casteth out fear.  If you fear too much, you love too little.  Fearful people are high maintenance; they love to control you.

·        Selfish love views people as a function to get what they want from them; pure love seeketh not its own.  The happiest lovers are those who understand and extend charity.  For this group, other people do not irritate them quite so easily.

·        If you meet a person who is hard to love, pray to God to help you see the good in them and to feel divine love for them.  At all other times, you might ask God to help others see the good in you and to learn to love you.

·        I once heard Bill Cosby say that he did not know the sure way to happiness, but the sure way to failure was to try and please everybody.  He has a point.  Global approval is not a prerequisite to exaltation or an affirmation of value or virtue; at times it may be the opposite.

·        Disagree in a loving way; never use your skills to put others down in order to prop you up.  Shame on the man who is only taller by standing on someone he has put down. To love and lift are harder than to criticize or complain.

·        Love your children.  Be nicer to them.  Work harder to change your behavior toward them before demanding that they change their behavior toward you.

·        Love your grandchildren; they are God’s reward for rearing your own children.  Be with them.  Help your adult children to raise better kids than you did.

·        Stop trying to earn God’s love and approval; you already have it.  He may not like what you do, but he likes you enough to send a God to die for you in order to get you back home.  Take advantage of the opportunity.

·        Love yourself, but don’t be “in love” with yourself; it’s a very shallow love affair.

·        Life is a lot easier the more you learn to love your enemies, those you think are morons, political pundits, the guy next door, the kid with the freaky hair and nose ring, and on and on and….. (develop a sense of humor about people and things).

·        See the spiritually lost as wandering lambs in need of a shepherd, not as anything less.  That way you cannot so easily dismiss them.

·        Some people are hard to like. When you come across someone like this, just try harder and pray for a new way to see them.

Some Final Ramblings on Love and Life

·        Marriage is like strings on a violin that play wonderfully as singles and harmoniously as pairs.  You don’t have to play the same note to make beautiful music; learn to blend in harmony.

·        For most people life and marriage are work.  So, get busy.

·        Live so that the people who love you are glad they belonged to you as you take your last breath.  Then they will recommend you to God as one prepared to rule and reign….

·        Build your mansion in heaven where it will be eternally yours; the one you build here is only a rental. You won’t own anything until you first own your soul—in Christ.

·        Never be rude to one another, and be slow to take offense.

·        Sometimes it is better to go to bed mad than to be up all night being a jerk.

·        The world is too much with us, and with our children. 

·        Laugh more; this world is a wonderful three-ring circus.  Clowns are everywhere.

·        Learn to let it go.  Learn to say, “Oh well, what can you do?”  Lighten up, as Sister O’ says in her book by the same name.

·        Be introspective, especially about all the ways you are irrational; anger comes from irrational misconceptions about others and anxiety from irrational misconceptions about ourselves.  Dispute your negative thoughts.

·        Forgive yourself.  The atonement is for all; it seems you’re either the prodigal or his self-righteous brother. Without repentance, both would be damned.  Move on!

·        Come to Jesus more.  The rest is just details and/or distractions.