by Darla Isackson

Giving is to Christmas like snow is to an Idaho winter. It can swirl around our celebration like a pesky blizzard delaying progress to our destination or it can cover our mundane cares with sparkling excitement and beauty. Why is some giving so satisfying, other giving such a burden and frustration? What are our motivations for giving? How much should we give? What constitutes genuine Christlike giving?

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Though we make an effort to follow the pattern of gift giving, sometimes our program becomes an exchange--gift given for gift expected. Never did the Savior give in expectation. I know of no case in his life in which there was an exchange. He was always the giver, seldom the recipient. Never did he give shoes, hose, or a vehicle; never did he give perfume, a shirt, or a fur wrap. His gifts were of such a nature that the recipient could hardly exchange or return the value. His gifts were rare ones: eyes to the blind, ears to the deaf, and legs to the lame; cleanliness to the unclean, wholeness to the infirm, and breath to the lifeless. His gifts were opportunity to the downtrodden, freedom to the oppressed, light in the darkness, forgiveness to the repentant, hope to the despairing. His friends gave him shelter, food, and love. He gave them of himself, his love, his service, his life. The wise men brought him gold and frankincense. He gave them and all their fellow morals resurrection, salvation, and the eternal life. We should strive to give as he gave. To give of oneself is a holy gift.”

Can We Give of Ourselves without Expectation?

Years ago I read an LDS novel, One-Winged Dove, the poignant story of Ben Christiansen, an Institute Director, and his wife, Ruth who had a great desire to help young people. They took a homeless girl named Laurel into their home and arranged hospital care and an adoption for the child she was carrying as a result of a rape. Reaching out to her with sincere love and caring, they were devastated when, the very week she was due to deliver, Laurel ran away and they never found her. Ben grappled with some of life’s most searching questions. Why is there such pain and suffering in the world and why, even when we earnestly desire to do so, can we sometimes not help ease it?

S. Michael Wilcox, the author, of One-Winged Dove based his story on his own experience of expecting his love and service to produce positive changes in the lives of the recipients. “If they did not, I thought I had somehow failed, and that more love, more giving sacrifice would have produced the results I sought.”

Can We Let Go of Outcomes?

How many times have I expected positive results from giving, and been disappointed? Lack of desired outcomes have sometimes threatened my very belief in myself as an effective disciple. How could I feel good about myself, I wondered, when people I loved, served, and cared about did not change, except, perhaps, for the worse? There were the Beehive girls whose negative home situations carried them away from gospel ideals in spite of my lessons, love, and prayers. There was an emotionally disturbed girl I took into my home, loved, taught, and labored over, only to see her sink more deeply into serious mental illness. Most painful of all, there were beloved family members who resisted my efforts to help them adopt happier lifestyles.

I, like Michael Wilcox, longed to understand. He shared his lesson from the Lord that “giving, no matter the results, must always be its own answer. It must always be enough. Perhaps the most difficult lesson in life is to accept that answer without cynicism or despair or any hesitancy to give more.” I remember how I learned this lesson through a visiting teaching assignment to an especially difficult elderly lady. She was alone in the world and in great need of love and attention. However, she was like the invalid in the movie Pollyanna: if I took her calvesfoot jelly, she always wanted chicken! When the Elders painted her house, she complained to me for weeks about the sloppy job they did. One day she yelled at me for no reason when I showed up to help her. No matter how nice I was to her, she was not nice back! Finally, I sat by her hospital bed, rubbing fragrant lotion into her paper-thin skin as she lay dying. I was glad I hadn’t given up like I wanted to when her response was not what I expected or wanted. How she had needed my friendship, and I suddenly realized I had truly learned to love her, warts and all.


Giving that Safeguards Agency

I have drawn several conclusions about my own giving. First, if I give hoping for results that will benefit me or make me feel better about myself as a person, my giving can be manipulative or self-serving. If I give to show evidence of my righteousness and feel thwarted when the results do not bring me praise, I need to examine my motives. Love of God and fellow man are the only Christlike motivations for giving. However, if I believe I can love enough to motivate right choices always, how can I explain the third of Heavenly Father’s children who turned from His perfect love, preferring their own way?

We all feel the need to give. Mothers, especially seem to be programmed to enjoy giving--particularly to their children. It comes naturally. You’d have to work hard not to enjoy giving to your own child. May Sarton said, “There is only one real deprivation . . . And that is not to be able to give one’s gifts to those one loves most.” The sentence brings up an ache in my heart that I will never forget. One Christmas I had a stack of presents wrapped and ready to deliver to my grown son who was choosing to absent himself from the family--but most of all, I wanted to give him my love. I called to make certain he was home so we could deliver his gifts. He said, “Don’t bother coming. I’m busy with friends.”

“When would be a good time to come?” I asked.

“There isn’t a good time. Don’t worry about it,” he replied, and hung up.

I sat looking at the phone for a long time, stunned, hurt beyond expression. With all my heart I wanted to give to him, but I could only control my part. I couldn’t control his willingness to receive. Little did I know the gift he was giving me--one I’ve mentioned before. The gift of motivation to dig deeper spiritually than I had ever dug before, to learn so much more about forgiveness and charity, and God’s love for all His children. But in the meantime I was wishing mightily that my love for my son would improve his behavior and that he would love me back, so that I could feel better.

Giving was never meant to be a tool to get others to act the way we want them to or to get our own needs met. Rather, it is an ennobling experience to refine the soul of the giver while extending an invitiation to the receiver. If we give with true concern for the well-being of the other, regardless of the outcome, we have not failed. The Savior gave his divine gifts knowing that many would not choose to accept them. His victory in making the atonement possible for all men did not depend on their acceptance. Respect for the right of others to choose how they will respond safeguards agency.

Christ, with his perfect example and perfect faith converted only a fraction of those he came in contact with. What made the difference was what was in them, what they were seeking, what they chose. He honored their agency, gave them the invitation, kept loving them even when they turned away from him--and certainly didn’t consider himself a failure.

Receiving Jesus’ Gifts, Passing Them On

The Savior stands at the door and knocks, always ready to give His bounteous gifts. Each of us must open the door in order to receive. His gifts are no less valuable, His character no less divine, however, if we refuse Him entrance to the house of our heart. He always does His part; He cannot do ours. So it is with every kind of giving. We can only do our part.

As we contemplate the "twelve days” of Christmas, may our giving far surpass partridges and gold rings. Here’s some suggestions:

• On the first day of Christmas, may we remember Christ’s gifts of sight to the blind, and give the gift of truly seeing into each other’s hearts--seeing as He sees.
  
• On the second day of Christmas, may we remember Jesus healing the deaf so they could hear, and listen, really listen to what our loved ones say.
  
• On the third day of Christmas, may we remember Jesus healing the lame that they could walk, and use our legs to carry us to serve someone who truly needs our help.
  
• On the fourth day of Christmas, may we remember our Lord cleansing the lepers and ask forgiveness of some loved one we’ve offended--cleansing our soul and lifting theirs.
  
• On the fifth day of Christmas, may we remember his gifts of freedom to the oppressed, and give to our loved ones the gift of honoring their agency and choices.
  
• On the sixth day of Christmas, may we remember the wholeness he gave to the infirm, and commit ourselves to seeking and sharing the wholeness that comes only through His Spirit.
  
• On the seventh day of Christmas may we remember Jesus appearing to Book of Mormon people, praying for us--and offer those we love the gift of heart-felt prayer.
  
• On the eighth day of Christmas, may we remember His gift of love, and pray with all the energy of heart for charity, that we may extend that gift to others.
  
• On the ninth day of Christmas, may we remember that Jesus has not only a heart that loves and lips that pray, but hands that help, and give to those we love our willing hands.
  
• On the tenth day of Christmas, may we remember Christ’s gift of the resurrection, and give to our children our testimony that He lives--and so will we!
  
• On the eleventh day of Christmas, may we praise His name for the atonement that gives us the gift of repentance and freedom from sin--and give our loved ones the gift of seeing us embrace this principle daily, repenting and rejoicing as we gratefully receive his forgiveness.
  
• On the twelfth day of Christmas, may we sit in wonder at Jesus’ feet, marveling at the gift of eternal life that He made possible, and may we share our knowledge of this bounteous gift with our loved ones at every opportunity.
  
  Oh, dear little Christ-child that I see in the manger this December, how grateful I am for all your gifts and how truly my heart desires to share them with all I love.

The real Christmas miracle happens when we slow down enough to remember and receive Jesus’ gifts of love and mercy, to feel His Spirit, then follow in His footsteps by giving the way he gave. In this season of giving, may we give of ourselves as He did. By bearing witness of Him, representing Him, we can pass on His gifts of light in the darkness and hope to the despairing. May we have no expectations that our gifts can bring lasting joy--only Jesus’ gifts can do that. Nor can we expect that the responses of others to our giving will fill the empty places in our hearts. Only Christ can fill those empty places. We can remember that anything we do or say to bring a fellow traveler closer to Christ is the brightest of gifts. May we restrain ourselves from giving out of obligation, false pride, or desire to impress. May we not get caught up in frantically trying to give to all, but instead, give of ourselves and our love to the few who need us most. Then we can say, “The giving itself is enough. I am at peace.”

• Watch for Part 2--Christian Service vs. Codependency

• Order Darla’s inspirational talk tapes or booklets on: www.rosehavenpublishing.com
or call Rosehaven toll-free at: 1-888-790-7040
• Would you be interested in LDS writer’s retreats which include mentoring by Darla Isackson?
E-mail darla2@xmission.com for more information.

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