Great Letters on Less than Good Parents

Read When Parents Aren't “Goodly” by Joni Hilton here.

Tears at Lyrics

Great article. I really appreciate Sister Hilton bringing up this subject. I think there are a lot more of us from less-perfect homes than those from more idyllic ones, though the images portrayed in our media don't seem to reflect this. And I don't have a big problem with that- some of us need to see that there is an alternative. However, just as much, we also need to know that we are not in a lonely minority. I really found this out when I started a ward book club. Some of the books just opened the door for a few of us to start sharing our pasts with one another. Very cathartic. By the way,  the song that always set me off was "Mother, I love you." There weren't a lot of smiles or sweet 'I love yous' from my mom, and I used to cry through those lyrics on Mother's Day Primary programs.

Darla Gaylor
Nashville, TN

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For Abused or Neglected Children

Additional Verses to "I Am a Child of God"

Many years ago I began thinking of all the children of whom the song wouldn't fit, and would shed a tear for them while singing it.  I was fortunate to have a loving home, but I'm painfully aware of the abuses all around us.  These thoughts for verses came to me.  I sent them to the Church's publishing department for consideration.  They wrote back and said it was doctrinally sound, though no plans to make any additions at that time.  Maybe now's the time?  Maybe someone else can do a better job, but I believe these children need something of their own.

You are a child of God,
And He has sent you here,
Has given you an earthly home
Near those so kind and dear...

...to lead you, guide you, walk beside you,
Help you find your way,
Teach you all that you should do,
To live with Him someday.

You are a child of God,
For He has told us so,
Through living prophets on the earth,
You'll learn what you must know.

They'll help you, guide you, stay beside you,
Help you on your way;
Teach you all that you must do
To live with Him someday.

You are a child of God,
This truth will bring you peace.
When you are troubled here below,
You'll know he'll never cease

Susan Gonzalez
Ogden, Utah

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Can't Sit Back and Blame

It's nice to hear from Joni Hilton again!

I'm now in my 50s and had the same problem: my parents were good people but I and my siblings suffered abuse at their hands as well as from others outside our immediate family.  I refused to sing "I Am a Child of God" for most of my life, along with several other hymns and Primary songs, because I felt that I was lying by singing them.  I felt bitter.

After several recent personal tragedies I woke up with the help of a kindly and inspired bishop and my patient wife.

I learned that I couldn't just sit back and blame my problems on my upbringing or the ugly things that happened in my childhood.  After we come of age we are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions no matter what happened during our childhood.  There is no benefit -- and certainly no happiness -- in living in the "war-torn" past.  We are agents unto ourselves and we can learn to control our thoughts, feelings, and actions.  We are responsible for finding solutions to our problems even if someone else caused them.

On the surface this may not seem fair, but I believe that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will take care of any unfairness.  We need to leave that part to Him and work to make a better life for ourselves.  We can't wait for abusers to make things right -- that mostly likely won't happen.

Two excellent books I have read that helped me a great deal are Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Authentic Happiness by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D.

While I still deal with issues from my childhood, I no longer feel that I'm held hostage by the things that happened way back then.  I can now sing those beautiful songs and recognize the goodness in my parents and the goodness of our heavenly Father and our Savior.

A final thought: Several General Conferences ago, I believe it was Elder Richard G. Scott that recommended that we pray that we can develop the capacity to feel Heavenly Father's love.  I pass along that recommendation.

Sincerely,

Name Withheld 
Hesperia, California

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“Kind of Weird”

I usually sing "with parents kind of weird".....instead of "parents kind and dear". I am a convert, with an alcoholic father who was abusive. So, according to the LDS picture of what normal should be ~ my parents were "kind of weird"! Sometimes we have to look at things with a sense of humor. Did I have the family on the front of the Ensign? Oh no, in fact, saying "kind of weird' is being very, very kind.  Really, the Ensign cover family is not the norm, we just like to think it is and beat ourselves up because we didn't grow up in it. Really, how many have that family even those that are long time members? I mean, I have met supposedly active members of the church that if I was given the choice of having my father or them......I'd pick my father.......at least he didn't have the priesthood and was still cruel! Now I get to try to be the "kind and dear" parents that are sung about. My kids probably sing, "kind of weird" also but for a different reason than I do! At least I like to think they sing it for a different reason!

Thanks,

Cindy Wilson
Murrieta, CA

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Far Too Many

I appreciated this article.  As a bishop I am counseling people who have been abused as children, and these are far too many.  I am personally aware of 11 members in my ward of 350 to whom I have given counsel.  And like the plague of pornography I suspect there are at least 3 times that number who choose not to address the issue.  Joni hits the nail on the head about letting the atonement of Christ heal the wounded spirit.  Her ten suggestions are excellent and I am jpassing this article on to others.

Bishop Bruce Norman

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Cringing

Really lovely article.  I too came from a strong, model LDS family that was full of unrighteousness and abuse.  I too cringe at 'parents kind and dear.'  Thanks for the insights and softness. 

Marnae

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Wrong Lyrics

Perhaps it is a little less painful to have been given an ‘earthly' home, rather than a ‘lovely' home.

Maggie Olson

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Changing the Words

I sang as a lullaby, "I Am a Child of God" to our own five children, but adjusted it to "YOU ARE a Child of God", but when we became foster parents- and I began to sing that favorite for a lullaby to THEM, it felt so unjust and almost like a lie. So I adjusted it further to "HE

WANTS YOU TO HAVE, parents kind and dear.... That has felt great!

We got her as an eight year old, and became guardians for her though she kept contact and closeness with her mother who loved her but was unable to parent her. Our "daughter" joined the church and made MANY good choices - but not always. At 18 after she graduated from high school, (the ONLY one in her bio family to do so, in a huge family, three generations deep) and didn't need to be guardianed, she went to live with her mother, and found she was more THE mother than her mother.

She is now a mother herself, and tells me she also sings "I Am a Child of God" as a lullaby. I don't know which version though!

I recently sent her a copy of an article on Meridian- where it explained that God sometimes sends a strong spirit to a family line that is weaker- to help clear up the waters and improve the further flow. I had years ago felt inspired to share that VERY idea with her, when she had asked me why HER family was so messed up. It was great to see others accept it too.

Jane Wadsworth

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Lifelong Process

I am one of those members of the Church who did not have “goodly” parents.  My father was an alcoholic and a non-member.  My mother was a member but harbored so much anger toward my father, there was never any peace in our home.  There was constant screaming, yelling, cursing and frequent hitting.  The damage that was done will last a lifetime.  Not many physical scars (those heal over time) but a significant amount of emotional scars. 

Learning how to overcome the trauma is not as easy as you make it out to be.  It is a life-long process that you must work at every day in order to stay one step ahead of the stumbling blocks that are constant every single day. 

The result of my chaotic childhood is a depression that will never go away.  I take my medication every single day in order to be able to function.  It is not something that I can minimize or assign a lesser priority to. 

Reader from Las Vegas

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Learning to Love Your Parents

Great article. I have come from such an abusive family. I have a hard time with Father's Day, myself.

However, I've just celebrated my 20th anniversary. I have learned an incredible amount over the past 25 years or so. It took a lot of reflection and some counseling, but I no longer carry all the anger I used to. I have done most (all?) of the things on the list Joni Hilton gave, and I feel like I have made real progress and now enjoy a happy life.

The hard part for me the past 10 years or so has been trying to raise my children. It wasn't fun living through my childhood and teenagehood. Yet the lessons I learned, though painful, have been lasting and have helped me in life. I have really struggled trying to figure out how to teach my children the things I've learned without putting them through what I went through. Or to improve on those lessons and maybe learn some I didn't learn until much later. It's really hard to parent with negative role models.

I have decided we're all the victims of bad parenting, because nobody's perfect. I think those who had "perfect parents" really had parents who knew how to apologize. I further believe that part of life is learning how to love your parents in spite of _____________ (fill in the blank). I know I'm not a perfect parent, either, nor is my husband. Hopefully our kids will someday learn that same lesson. I know my husband and I are getting better at apologizing.

Cheri Christensen
American Fork, UT