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Roses in December:
Readers Throw Flowers and a Few Snowballs
Edited and compiled by Kathy Green
GIFT EXCHANGE:
A reader has four tickets to the Saturday, Dec. 10, Tabernacle Choir concert and needs to exchange them for a Dec 9 performance. If you can swap with this brother, please respond to the editor right away. Thanks.
Grandparenting at a Distance, by Faye A. Klingler -- Read Article Here
Thanks so much for this article. When my son-in-law graduates from college in May he will be going directly into military training back east. I know I am going to miss my little grandson so much when they move away, and this article gives me hope that I can keep a close connection with him. Thanks for the ideas and encouragement.
Valerie
Sorensen
Riverton, Utah
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Great article. I am a long distance grandparent. My problem is trying to get my grandchildren to hand write me a letter. I get a lot of e-mails, but not enough in their own hand. I write them and thank them every time they send me something and I do it by hand.
I have talked to their mother and she suggests that they write me, but it does not seem to get through. I do not want to demand that they write, so I just keep waiting for them to get the point.
Pete
New Mexico
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Audience of One -- Read Article Here and The Key to Your Personal History, by Paul Bishop -- Read Article Here
Peculiar Treasure, Priceless Opportunity, by Carol Kostakos Petranek -- Read Article Here
How generous of your writers to share their expertise with so many of us "wannabees."
From the mere titles of the articles, which immediately grasp attention, to the stimulating text of each article, I'm referring especially to recent contributions of Paul Bishop, "An Audience of One ― Written Gifts for Those You Love."
How beautiful! When he brings out the essence of love given and received with his gift of family stories, efforts and labors of love in their tradition of giving "homemade Christmas gifts". So timely! And his second article, "The Key to Your Personal History." Aren't we all still trying to write or rewrite this? I must try it again after reading this.
Another article for writers, "Segullah: Peculiar Treasure; Priceless Opportunity". New Literary Journal Fosters Creativity, Connection among LDS Women." Could we make this interesting enough to stimulate an activity for the new Relief Society Enrichment program?
I have seldom been happy with my own writing, no matter how labored it is. 'Haps I'm not alone in this! The other probably came through Meridian, also. "The Nauvoo Workshop, for LDS Writers." registration available. Great motivation! [see http://www.nauvoo.com/writers.html:]
Many, many thanks to all the writers, editors and staff at Meridian. Oh that I had the eyes of my 16th birthday instead of my 76th!!
DeNiece Spencer
Nebraska
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As I sat down to write the stories for my children this year, I decided to check my e-mail. I found your article in my daily subscription from Meridian Magazine. I so appreciated your words and council.
Stories at Christmas time started after many years of my "story telling" about the kids when they were little and drove me crazy (two of the three are ADHD). Over and over the stories were told and we laughed each time. Finally, one of my sons requested that I write the stories down for posterity. Well, that request changed my life. I honored his request even though I always got D's in English for many years in school, even though I don't know how to punctuate or spell, and even thought I really didn't think I had much to say that anyone else would ever care about. I can testify that God has truly guided me. He also made Spell Check for me and provided very sharp friends who blessed me and our family by editing my work!
My daughter, each year, takes her "book" to work and shares my stories with her co-workers and they seem to enjoy the stories as well. So, I guess others enjoy my stories too!
I appreciate your suggestions regarding the presentation of my work. I provided our adult children with a three-ring binder and each year I punch the stories with holes to be easily placed in their own "book." I hope to be more creative this year in the presentation of my stories thanks to your suggestions.
The stories have evolved over the years. They started out by being just about the kids. Then I progressed on to other aspects in my life that the kids really didn't know the details. Sharing stories about my military career was especially fun for me to write. I have been able to include pictures along the way and that really is fun as well.
This past year I lost my two beloved animals; one to age and the other sickness. I will be writing about them while my memory is clear and my feelings are raw.
I am unable, for some reason, to write fiction. I stick with true happenings in my life. I wish I could go beyond myself some day and create short stories that inspire and motivate my children and grandchildren.
Again, thank you, Brother Bishop, for your article. It has helped me for this and future seasons of "home made" gifts in remembrance of the birth of our dear Savior and all that He has given us.
Bless you at this sacred time of the year.
Sister Marti Lindquist
St. George, Utah
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Pornography: Molesting the Minds of Our Young, by W. Dean Belnap -- Read Article Here
I am a new reader to your web site and could not resist just this quick missive to say thank you... Dr. Belnap's article was as they say, dead on the money. Also powerful was the 11/28 article on the aftermath of Amercian slavery. Bracing; Unifying! Please continue your excellent, excellent work.
Ben
Halley
New York City
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Thank you for the article by Dr. Dean Belnap in today's issue discussing the evil influence of pornography and pornographers. Certainly it is the most evil influence of a promiscuous and open society. In my work in church leadership on several occasions I have participated in church disciplinary action involving other members.
While I truly believe that process is a wonderful, healing process that ultimately helps members turn their lives to the light of Jesus Christ, I have also learned that almost all those who are disciplined for sexual transgression have started their downward spiral by viewing pornography. Thanks to Dr. Belnap for helping us understand a little better how to confront this dark assault on the youth and adults of our church and our society.
Lamonte John
Annandale, Virginia
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How Do I Get My Spouse to Change? by Laura M. Brotherson, PhD. Read Article Here
I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful article! My (non-LDS) husband and I went to marriage counseling and did not get very far. I have been resentful of my husband for not even wanting to try the tasks she set us; and that hasn't made things easier. The last session I attended myself and she told me that she thinks I'll probably end up leaving him and that he is not going to change: Obviously an unsatisfactory answer and I was so distressed at the bleak future she painted for our marriage.
I have spent some time in prayer trying to find out how to make this work, and how to get out of the bad cycle we're in. The first impression I had was to seek counseling at LDS family services (didn't do this at first, as didn't want my husband feel that "we" were ganging up on him.) Your article provided so much inspiration to me ― the timing of it was truly an answer to my prayers!
I always read your column and always feel like I can find things there to take away and apply.
Name
withheld
Sydney Australia
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Laura, I just finished reading your article on Meridian Magazine. Loved it! You are one terrific woman! Thanks for all of your help.
I was the complaining, criticizing wife for years. Healing from ritual abuse, I had to work through a lot of issues ― my husband triggered everything for me. However, he stuck it through with me.
One day, one of my therapists said, "Pam, can you just love him? Get out of his way." Once I started doing that, our relationship changed. You are SO right. It is so much about changing yourself. And unconditionally loving yourself.
A friend suggested I say to myself (a lot), "I unconditionally accept myself right now." This has helped me so much in accepting others as well as myself. And has made a world of difference in the relationships I have with my spouse, children, and immediate family.
God bless you! You are a godsend.
Name withheld
**
Why we want our spouses to change:
1. We love them. We want them to overcome weaknesses to be the best they can be. Not only that, we have made sacred covenants to help each other. My husband is also my brother, and I have an obligation to pray for and support righteous changes. Loving the person he is right now does not preclude my loving the person he will become.
2. We want the best for our children. For example, if my husband doesn't yell in anger, hopefully my kids won't either.
3. We want it for personal reasons. Sometimes they are selfish (If my husband were thin, I'd look better in front of my friends), but they can be righteously motivated as well. For example, it would make my life easier if my husband helped me clean the house.
Depending on your motivation, wanting a spouse to change isn't necessarily a bad thing. In our marriages, we need to be more open to change. If my husband wanted me to develop a righteous characteristic ― like good health, patience or organization, wouldn't it be helpful if I actually tried, instead of kicking and screaming "He's trying to change me! He's not accepting me the way I am"?
Our spouses may know us better than anyone else, and can see us in ways we cannot. How about letting your spouse set one of your New Year's Resolutions for you? I'm trying it this year; and I confess that I will have to let go of a little pride in order to do this. Even good changes can be difficult to make.
Name withheld
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Two Churches Only, by Joseph Fielding McConkie -- Read Article Here
Wow! vThanks, Meridian Magazine, for being one of the first to recognize a future classic talk! This talk might become a turning point in the missionary methods of thousands of Saints. Thanks for sharing this!
Mark
Matheson
Highland, Utah
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This was wonderful and life-changing if taken to heart. It gave me thoughts that had never occurred to me before, which gave me courage that I never had. Brother McConkie's talk caused me to think of the last few beatitudes, (Matt 5:10 & 11 & Luke 6:22) and gave me a clearer understanding of them. I feel very thankful to have read this. My husband and I are planning to go on a mission in a few years and I will read this many more times. Thank you for printing this and the many other great articles. I love Meridian Magazine.
Debbie
King
Sequim, Washington
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The Children of Divorce, by Orson Scott Card -- Read Article Here
I was so happy to see such a well-written and informative article on this subject. My "temple" marriage of 27 years ended due to my husband's adultery. The repercussions for my children have been enormous. I remarried three weeks ago and just last night had my 16-year-old daughter "melt down." She expressed how difficult it is for her to "choose" between parents during the holidays. We have tried to be as fair as possible with our teen and adult children in planning holiday times, but it truly is impossible to come up with any solution that makes the children feel whole.
Divorce is so ugly, even in the so-called "good divorces." The children suffer so much. I am a child of divorce, I know. My parents divorced when I was 17. Sometimes we think it doesn't affect the older children so much, but that is a misconception. My 19-year-old son told me yesterday that he is struggling with his testimony of priesthood authority and he thinks he feels the same way his father does. The article points out how difficult it is for children who have one "religious" parent and one who isn't.
I can testify that this is indeed a very difficult challenge for teenagers. My own testimony was so challenged by my ex-husband's choices that I spent two years in a less active state that has had a huge impact on my children. Before the divorce I served in several auxiliary presidencies. It all becomes so confusing for children. Adults can hardly make sense of any of it.
Being an LDS child of divorce brings about additional challenges. My daughter once said, "I feel like no one at church understands what I'm going through." My son feels additional pressure to "not be like his father." An older son came home from a European mission after only four months and was falsely accused of sexual sin by members of our ward who thought he was just following in his father's footsteps.
I would love to see more articles related to our LDS children of divorce and their challenges, as well as articles on step-parenting and blended families. These are realities in this difficult world, and it is refreshing to see an LDS publication take this on.
Name withheld
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The Challenge of Accepting Ourselves, by Darla Isackson -- Read Article Here
In "The Broken Heart," Bruce Hafen warns us of the dangers of self-acceptance gone awry. He quotes a popular children’s TV show that says, "I like you just the way you are." He then goes on to say how pop psychology takes an important truth, but then this point "loses its sense of restraint, with the misleading idea that self-acceptance is the end of therapeutic or personal development rather than the beginning. Counseling can in this way become less concerned with assisting people toward change and more concerned with simply helping them to be comfortable" (p. 181). If self-acceptance is the end of our efforts, rather than the beginning, we have short-changed ourselves. The good news of the gospel is that we can change. In fact, the Savior says that if we come unto him, he'll show us where need to change (see Ether 12:27, Mosiah 3:19).
Name withheld
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School Daze
Parents Should be Outraged, by Maurine Proctor --Read Article Here
I concur with Lindsay Varnum Cano that we MUST be involved in the day-to-day activities of our children/grandchildren and actually read the things that they bring home. If we want it to be our responsibility to teach and make decisions for our children instead of school administrators, then we need to do so.
This decision doesn’t really take away any rights of parents yet. What it does is tell us that if we make the wrong choice by not exempting our kids from things of which we don’t approve, we’ve made the choice to give the schools carte blanche to indoctrinate, survey, show inappropriate movies, or whatever else they “invent” for our children that has nothing to do with teaching.
The decision is absolutely not surprising. Many years ago, I watched as the sex education movement argued that if parents wouldn’t talk to their kids about sex, the schools would do it. This decision is just the rest of the camel being pushed into the tent by the courts. If we are outraged by the decision, good, as long as that outrage provides the motivation to be vigilant about what’s going on in the schools our youth and children attend. If outrage doesn’t motivate us, it’s a wasted emotion.
The principle of enduring to the end is, I believe applicable here. We need to be vocal. We need to be vigilant. We need to be vocal and vigilant to the end in protecting our posterity from the evils of the world. Make no mistake, evil will be both vocal and vigilant in attempting to lead our children astray. Remember the lesson of Las Vegas. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph, is for good people to do nothing.
Finally, perhaps this decision will motivate more of us and “those of like mind” to home school.
William
L. Shumway
Mesa, Arizona
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Grief: A Universal Experience, by Darla Isackson -- Read Article Here
I am sorry for the loss of your son. I know a parent should never have to go through this terrible agony. How comforting to know you had friends to help you through the grieving process, many others do not, including myself. I am a young widow. I lost my husband to leukemia complications over 4 1/2 years ago and am still trying to cope and move forward with my life.
Recently I had surgery. Before the operation, I was told I would not survive. By His grace I did, but I still don't know why I am here or whether I have a purpose, I am just here, trying to live my life quietly for God.
It would be nice to have a friend, even a church member to talk to about the death of my husband, if I bought the grief workbook to do the exercises, etc. There is no one I can speak with or write my feelings down for, who would understand. Most are married or single. I just don't fit in ― especially in a family ward. This ward I have been in for 2 1/2 years really never has accepted me, not like my mother’s ward whose members came down to pick me up and bring me home when I was so sick.
When I heard, a certain brother was heading this up, I knew I would be taken care of; and I was.
My mothers ward members, many who I have known since beginning in high school, enveloped me, included me in things, asked me to baby sit, etc.
My Patriarchal Blessing is too painful to read. I am doing the best I can, all without friends. I only see church members on Sunday unless there is an activity.
I know this has been long, you touched a nerve. "I am a thriver, not a survivor."
Sorry for the long letter, many emotions came out. Thank you for being a listening ear.
Name Withheld