Reading
and Righting: Our Readers set us Straight
Edited and compiled by Kathy Green
Bold
Type
Two
Churches Only -- Read Article
Here
I've
stolen some of your words to use in an email with a very
good friend of mine. She is my neighbor, fellow home schooling
mom, and not Mormon. If you're interested I can tell you
some more about the dialogue we have just opened up after
being friends for a year or so now. You have put so wonderfully
into words many of my feelings about not wanting to analyze
the differences between religions, just wanting to testify
of the simple truths of the restored gospel.
Verena Beckstrand
Mesa, Arizona
**
Many
years ago, my daughter who was then five came storming in
the deck door, crying. I was alarmed and asked her what
the problem was. She responded that she had been talking
to our neighbor, Mr. Meade and had told him that his church
was not true. He had replied that who ever told her that
had it wrong.
I
began to tell her that perhaps she should in effect soften
her stance. I had been playing the Book of Mormon Scripture
tapes as I cleaned the house and suddenly we heard this
verse from 1st Nephi: There are only two churches. One is
of God and the other is of the devil.
She
looked up at me and said, "See? I'm going over there.
Somebody has to tell him!"
And
a little child shall lead them!
Debby
Bennett,
Westbank, British Columbia. Canada
**
Tremendous! Thanks so much! And thank you, Meridian, for
letting us read it!
Bobbi
Peterson
Pinetop, Arizona
**
Once
again we can rely on Brother McConkie
to be straightforward in defense of the restored Church
and Gospel. His reasoning is sound as is his faith. I thank
you for having this forum in which such understanding can
be conveyed.
Michael
Chandler
St. George, Utah
**
I
thought that there were 3 parts. I saw parts 1 and 2, but
apparently missed part 3.
Intriguing,
and excellent read.
Russell
Tompkins
Brunswick, New Jersey
******************************************************************
People
Will Talk
Raising the Attendance at Ward
Events -- Read
Article Here
Very
good ideas for getting a ward activity to be good. However,
the best way to get people to attend a ward activity is
based on past experience.
If
you have a good activity, people will talk about it. People
will have wanted to be there. So, they will pay more attention
the next time such an activity is planned. Note that this
rule applies for scout trips, mutual, Ward parties, trips
to the temple, etc.
You
can always re-enforce this by having people talk about this
activity after it is over, such as a quick review (testimonial)
at the next Relief Society meeting, or Priesthood meeting.
Arn Kratzer
Hollister, California
**
Lots
of good ideas were submitted. I am speaking as an "attendee,"
not a "planner." I ask: "What will motivate
ME to want to go (weather and previous commitments permitting)?
Shame on me! But FOOD (good food) is primarily what will
most likely bring me out. Potlucks, a variety of "Soup
and Salad" and full meals are attractive. Punch and
cookies are better than nothing, but not a whole lot. Enough
food is also important. People at the end of the line are
not likely to return if they find the food table bare when
they finally get to it. Might be a good idea to have the
8-18 ages get theirs after everyone else at family affairs
because they haven't always learned manners about portion
sizes.
I
think even Temple outings are better attended if there
is food and fellowship somehow incorporated before or after
the session. Even a group visit to a local restaurant is
really neat! Depends, of course, on the activity. Humanitarian
activities are wonderful, but unless there is food attached,
I may prefer to stay comfortably at home. I know I am shameful.
The
other thing that gets people out is to have as many as possible
of their children "starring" in the program. You'll
get at least two parents out per child and maybe some grandparents
too!
Mary
Landen
Bountiful, Utah
**************************************************************
To Megan with Love
Sexual
offenders: Serpents among us? -- Read Article Here
When
discussing a topic so sensitive and volatile as this, it
is obviously difficult to avoid emotional decisions. I'm
grateful that some readers have felt comfortable sharing
their own experiences regarding this frustrating and devastating
sin. I'm also saddened that some have felt the need to criticize
Brother Bishop's article, and to question his intentions
in writing it. When we begin to reason emotionally, not
only do we make arguments that are far from sound, we typically
say things that we wouldn't say otherwise. I hope that is
the case with some of the criticisms directed towards Brother
Bishop.
Sex
crimes are so unique. I can think of no other crime that
involves taking something so powerful and sacred and twisting
it into something so powerfully evil and destructive. In
the many years that I have spent working in a therapeutic
setting with those convicted of this crime, I have had to
ask myself many times how it is possible that murder could
possibly be considered a more grievous offense than this
crime. The victims are left alive to suffer the emotional
and spiritual damage for the rest of their lives.
Nevertheless,
by taking a step back from the always intense emotions surrounding
this issue, I have come to understand that it is never my
place to judge the relative seriousness of sins. While it
is necessary for the judicial system to say that one sex
crime warrants this sentence while another warrants that
one, our Heavenly Father is the only one who truly knows
the hearts of those who offend.
I
thought Brother Bishop did an excellent job of pointing
out this important distinction between temporal justice
and eternal justice. Our local leaders will do their best
to work out the salvation of those in their stewardships,
regardless of the depth of our individual sins and weaknesses.
That process is something that none of us outside that stewardship
should question.
Just
as I cannot and should not, for the sake of my own spirituality,
try to decide whether he who murders or he who rapes is
guilty of the greater sin, I should also forbear in deciding
whether or not one's repentance is complete. My only responsibility,
spiritually speaking, is to forgive all and to focus on
my own repentance. Unfortunately, and again I think Brother
Bishop expressed this quite appropriately, we do not live
in a purely spiritual world. We must also address temporal
concerns.
Due
to the unique nature of sexual crimes, it is necessary to
exercise an extra degree of caution, now speaking temporally,
when helping those who have committed them return to a "normal"
life. Molesting a child is not like embezzling money. It's
not something one does because the opportunity simply presents
itself and the offender suffers a moment of weakness.
Sex
crimes involve powerful emotions and are almost always carefully
planned and premeditated. The thoughts that allow offenders
to methodically numb their consciences in order to work
through their plans become powerfully linked to the feelings
of sexual gratification that follow. These thought patterns
are so very difficult to break. The most powerful tool is
simply to learn what sets them in motion, and then to avoid
those triggers carefully, at any expense. The decision to
keep children away from those who have committed these crimes
is not a malicious attack against them, nor is it in any
way questioning whatever steps they may have taken towards
repentance. In reality, for those who are working so hard
to avoid those triggers, it is a kind favor.
For
those of us who love someone convicted of these crimes,
it can be deeply painful to come to terms with the depth
of the problem. We all want to rush to the defense of our
loved one and defend his or her reputation. But this is
not about a reputation. It's about keeping children safe.
Megan's
law is about Megan, and making sure there are not more Megans
in the future. Those who feel persecuted by the law must
do all they can to understand that the law does not persecute
those who are trying to repent. Malicious citizens may do
so, and the law may facilitate them, but their crime is
theirs. If offenders and those who love them truly wish
to express complete repentance, they will be able to forgive
those who persecute them for their crime.
Of
course a teenager who committed a sex crime does not deserve
that persecution. Few who are thinking rationally will say
that he does. Part of the tragedy of sexual crimes is what
they do to the offender, especially the juvenile offender.
Part of the repentance process for those who have committed
sexual crimes will always include learning to forgive those
who persecute them. That persecution is a natural consequence
of the horrible mistake the offender made, unjust though
it may be.
I
hope that many readers will take the wise advice offered
by Brother Bishop. He speaks from years of experience, and
his article can be a wonderful tool for those who prayerfully
seek guidance for protecting their children. For those who
have sexually offended, and for those who love someone who
has, my heart reaches out to you. I pray that you will find
the strength to know that your Savior loves you dearly and
will welcome you back to his fold. I also pray that you
will forgive your persecutors, just as I pray that your
own victims can learn to forgive you.
Mark
Green
Terre Haute, Indiana
**************************************************************
When
the Vow Breaks
The
Children of Divorce -- Read Article Here
Thank
you so much for printing this article by Orson Scott Card.
I have never read an article that expressed these things
better ― or even
at all. I have recently gone through a divorce, after 28
years of marriage, because my husband decided that he wasn’t
“happy” and had found this so-called happiness elsewhere.
I have watched my children struggle with this even though
most of them were of adult age.
This
article expressed so well the things that I have felt and
that I have watched my children go through while people
tried to tell us that it would be okay. I don’t know that
it will ever be “okay,” but it really did help to have my
feelings verified.
I
have enjoyed many articles in your magazine in the past
but none have struck as close to home as this one. Thank
you for all that you do to promote righteousness and goodness
in this world.
Joan
Salt Lake City, Utah
**
I
could so relate to Card's points on divorce. My parents
divorced when I was 4-year-old (number two of four children,
six and under). My father had another woman and eventually
married her and had two more with her.
They
are still married, though not real happy ― just more determined to stay together.
My father was a control freak and his current wife learned
to sneak rather than confront and taught their sons that
too, as he beat them for bad grades, etc. My mother worked
hard and raised us with some help from her mother and little
money from my father. We didn't see him often and the visits
weren't real pleasant; as he was a Houston policeman, determined
to "fix" the parenting mistakes our mom was making.
He had a nice house, boat, etc. and our Mom paid for lessons
and braces for us.
I
tried to reach out at age 27 and visited along with my husband
and four oldest sons. Then we sent our oldest two to visit
alone (ages nine and seven) and they were not treated correctly.
(Why did I expect them to be? My father actually hit my
youngest son more than once while visiting.) So we are estranged
now and perhaps for this lifetime, another twenty years.
He has voiced to my oldest son (on his second visit, last
year, at age 28) that he would like to see me, but the cost
is too high for me. It would hurt my mother for one thing,
if I were to let everything go, such as his terrible choices
and lack of self-control throughout his life. I did do his
side’s family history research and lots of temple work,
but hope that my mom will find someone else, if not here,
on the other side. I even gave him a copy of his family
history which he has enjoyed, I have heard.
But,
here I am. I had a brief and very bad marriage at a young
age, and was left with a toddler and expecting another.
I don't think I could have made a good marriage choice,
and my first husband was a product as well of divorce. But
then I joined the Church as my first marriage broke up.
My dream was to have the family I never had, and I met my
second husband when the oldest two boys were three and one,
and we were all sealed a year later. He has loved all of
us unconditionally, which is what you need from your parents.
That helped me heal, along with the gospel, but it has been
a difficult road and he paid somewhat for my father's sins.
I guess this is a good thing, to share this; most people
don't understand unless they have been through something
similar. My father's attitude is that he did no wrong because
he can do and did just as he pleased, and that is why I
just can't start over fresh with him.
Thanks
for letting me vent. I agree that every marriage takes work
by both parties and commitment. The gospel can be the glue
if you work at it. We should encourage our children to learn
to be good friends, as that is the truly enduring relationship
in family life and marriage. We don't always "like"
anyone, even ourselves, even a best friend. Family life
is no different. It has taken me 25 years to learn these
things.
Leigh
Ann Smith
Lantana, Florida.
**
I
really appreciate the article on The Children of Divorce
by Orson Scott Card. Having been a child of divorce, I know
the pains associated with it. I grew up feeling l didn't
have a permanent home and no one really loved me. The lives
of the adults go on; but the child’s life has been altered
forever.
One
area I wish would be addressed is this: for children of
divorce, quite often, one parent suddenly has little or
no contact with them. Sometimes this parent rarely made
time for them before the divorce, in fact. This relationship
with this parent continues as the child becomes an adult.
While the parent the child is living with assures the child
the other parent really does love them, those are only empty
words.
The
other parent goes on in life as if nothing happened and
it hurts so much. In their occasional phone calls or letters,
they tell how much time they spend with the families of
your step-parent and the friends they've made together.
They relate how they go out of town to visit these people
and go on trips with them; yet they never make the time
to visit you and your family no matter how close you live
or how far you live from them. My family and I cannot afford
to travel like they can.
My
experience is this. After a phone conversation or letter
I feel so hurt when I hear of all of these adventures and
find no mention made as to when, if ever, I will be visited.
When I express these feelings to close friends they listen
and acknowledge what I feel. Yet when I express my feelings
to siblings who were older and out of the house when the
divorce took place I'm told, "This is your parent and
deserves your respect. The Lord said to honor your parents
and you must forgive until seventy-seven times seven. You're
an adult, so act like one and get over it. You're unchristian
to think that way."
As
an adult with this situation, how am I supposed to feel?
What am I expected to do? What advice would a church leader
or LDS psychologist have for someone like me? Am I not supposed
to feel hurt when I know this parent will never visit me
and my family, even for important events? Are people like
us obligated to keep such a sick relationship going with
this parent, knowing that we will continually be hurt by
them as long as we keep the relationship going? I know I'm
not the only person in the Church in this situation.
Down
and Out (name withheld by request)
**
Orson
Scott Card's excellent column raises issues that are critical
to the survival of our society. I hope it is widely read
given thoughtful consideration.
On
the topic of the detrimental impact of divorce on children,
I am surprised Brother Card did not
mention
any of Barbara Dafoe Whitehead's extensive work. (See,
e.g., "The Divorce Culture: Rethinking Our Commitments
to Marriage and Family (1998) and "Dan Quayle
Was Right," The Atlantic Monthly, 47-84 (April,
1993).
Like
the work of Elizabeth Marquardt, it provides powerful, real-world
evidence that divorce harms children and that parents considering
divorce must weigh this detrimental impact against whatever
personal benefit they believe they would derive from ending
their marriage.
Kurtis Kearl
Concord, California
**
As
a child of a so-called "bad divorce" (which needed
to happen because of abuse). I can only say: “Amen.” The
emotional problems never go away. I constantly feel as though
my emotional growth has been stunted. My wife is a child
of a "good divorce." It seems that she battles
with the emotional problems more than I do. We both make
the best of it. We are determined not to repeat it so that
our children do not suffer these consequences. Though I
fear we are passing on to them some of our emotional baggage
anyway.
Joe
K.
Peoria, Arizona
**
Wow,
this is such a timely article and book. Our extended family
is going through this "good divorce," and it is
NOT CORRECT! The kids involved are adults or almost adults
and the one spouse initiating the divorce said that the
kids would not be affected by their decision to divorce:
NOT SO!
I
also agree with the author that all of us deal with children
of divorce. My kids have very few friends who have the original
set of parents still living together. I often play the part
of "mom" for some of the children, and it is so
sad that we must pick up the pieces for these kids when
the adults in their lives don't seem to want to.
Too
many adults are so self-focused and willing to do anything
to make themselves look and feel wonderful that they are
willing to sacrifice their children's happiness. They come
first. Also, we now cannot say bad things to those in our
family who make the decisions to divorce and remain friends.
That isn't very nice or tolerant! It is the couples' business,
and we'd better stay neutral.
But,
we are all affected. My children now don't have cousins
on one side due to the selfish behavior of a spouse, and
I feel truly sorry for my niece and nephew. My children
have many cousins on the other side, and they don't miss
the one side much, but those children will one day have
no family except for themselves, since they haven't been
taught that family relations amongst extended family are
important.
This
is such a significant article and book. Everyone should
read it as we are all affected by divorce in one way or
another.
Janet
Smalley Schaub
Simi Valley, California
**************************************************************
Glad
Tidings
Gospel
Doctrine: The Old Testament -- Read Article
Here
I
found great comfort in what you wrote. I have often found
great comfort and profound wisdom in all the scriptures.
Sister
Judy
Clintonville, Wisconsin
****************************************************************
Soft
Sell
States
of Grace, God’s Army 2, in the true spirit of Christmas
-- Read Article Here
If
the movie is as touching and beautiful as the review, I'll
buy the DVD sight-unseen.
Bob
Bailey
Fulton, Missouri
*****************************************************************
A Likely Story
Has
Satan Hijacked Science? -- Read Article
Here
A
powerful story, a story I will send to my grandchildren
in college, one a Ph.D. student in science.
Thank
you for such stories that reinforce our faith. Years ago
I read "The Faith of a Scientist" by Elder Eyring's
father. It has remained with me over 30 years. I hope this
story will do the same for my grandchildren.
Donald
Conkey
Woodstock, Georgia
