M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Leadership for Saints: Part 69

Coping With Other People’s Behavior
by Rodger Dean Duncan and Ed J. Pinegar

Challenge:

My bishop gets involved in details of my calling that I feel should be handled by me. What should I do?

Opportunity:

First, pray for your bishop. He is a shepherd who is concerned about every member of his flock. His is an awesome responsibility, a very heavy load. By virtue of his calling, he has information and insights that no one else in the ward has. With this “big picture,” he can see pieces of the ward mosaic not visible to others. Trust him. Love him. Sustain him.

If you feel you’re being “micromanaged,” revisit the ideas in previous excerpts on stewardship delegation. Consider, especially, the material on establishing clear, up-front, mutual understanding and commitment regarding expectations. Sometimes a lack of clarity on expectations causes a leader – unconsciously – to examine details of things he has delegated. It’s sort of like pulling up the flowers to see if the roots are growing okay.  A friendly discussion about what both you and the bishop hope for from your service will likely be helpful.

And whatever you do, beware the danger of trying to second-guess your leader. When I was stake president I went to a high priest who had been inactive for many years. He was a fine man with a wonderful wife and marvelous children. I asked him point blank why he chose not to be involved in the Church. He told me that many years earlier, in another part of the country, he was called as stake mission president. He had some ideas about how to do missionary work and took them to the stake president. The stake president listened, then asked that another approach be used. This man took offense and essentially dropped out of the Church.

“So,” he said to me, “it all started with that stake president.”

“I guess you showed him a thing or two,” I replied.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, the stake president was doing his job, you didn’t like it, and now you’ve made choices that have placed your temple blessings in jeopardy.”

“How so?”

“The primary responsibility for missionary work—and everything else in your stake—resided with the stake president. He delegated some of that work to you, but he was still the presiding officer in the stake. You chose to resist his leadership. This was a violation of your temple covenants, and now your wife and children are sealed to a man who is out of harmony with the gospel.”

It was very plain talk, offered in a spirit of love and caring. Fortunately the man’s heart softened and for the first time he saw the implications of his actions. Because he allowed himself to be offended by a well-intentioned leader, he had wasted years that could and should have been devoted to faithful service. – Rodger Dean Duncan

Challenge:

My children seem to be frustrated and complain a lot. How can I better understand their problems so I can help?

Opportunity:

Jimmy came home from school and said, “I hate school!”

As his father walked in and heard that, he said, “What do you mean you hate school? You should be grateful for school. You go upstairs and do your homework right now. We’ll have no more of this talk.” The boy sulked, and walked slowly upstairs.

His mother overheard this and went up to him and said, “Jimmy, you had a real bad day at school?”

“Yeah, Mom.”

“Well, do you feel kind of upset and frustrated?”

“Feel upset? That’s not the half of it! That mean Mr. Jones made me sit in the back of the classroom because I lost my paper. And that isn’t all, Mom. He said if I don’t get that done in two more days, I won’t get credit for the class. That means I can’t graduate.”

“Do you feel overwhelmed?”

“That’s not the half of it! There’s no way I can finish that research paper. I can’t even find my note cards.”

“So you feel like you just can’t make it?”

“I’m just tired. I’m sick. I hate everybody.”

“Oh, I understand, Jimmy. I remember when we wrote those cards. I kept some pieces of paper that we wrote some of that information on. How would it be if I took a little time to help you reconstruct that paper?”

“Oh, Mom, you mean you could  . . . ”

“Oh, sure, Jim, we can get that done. We’ll just work together. I’ll go get those papers right now and see what we can put together, because you already have some of the material written in rough draft.”

“Right, I do, Mom! Oh, Mom, I love you.”

“Oh, Jimmy, you’re the best. We’ll get it worked out.”

In a matter of minutes this young man went from “I hate school” to “I love Mom.” Why? Because his mother resisted the temptation to focus on her son’s carelessness and blaming. She took the time to understand his needs and feelings before she made any judgment. Rather than stoke the flames of her son’s anger, she simply listened, let him vent, and gently guided him in reaching a solution. – Ed J. Pinegar

Quotes Worth Remembering

… and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.  – D&C 121:45

Early in my ministry as a member of the Council of the Twelve, I took to President Hugh B. Brown the experience of a fine person who could not serve in a ward position because he could not show mercy to himself. He could forgive others but not himself; mercy was seemingly beyond his grasp. President Brown suggested that I visit with that individual and counsel him along these lines: “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:10) Then, from Isaiah and the Doctrine and Covenants: “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18) “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.” (D&C 58:42)

With a pensive expression on his face, President Brown added: “Tell that man that he should not persist in remembering that which the Lord has said He is willing to forget.” Such counsel will help to cleanse the soul and renew the spirit of any who applies it. – Thomas S. Monson

Note: The excerpts of Leadership for Saints posted on Meridian are only a fraction of the contents of this 349-page book. To learn more about this ground-breaking book and to order copies, click here.