Again, for the sake of emphasis, we remind you that empathic listening is much more than just waiting for the other person to “say his piece.”   

When another person is speaking, we’re often “listening” at one of four levels.

We may be ignoring the other person, not really tending to the communication at all.

We may practice pretend listening. That’s when we give the appearance of listening (possibly even including an occasional nod or “uh-huh”), but we’re really not doing much to make a connection.

We may practice selective listening where we hear only those parts of the conversation that interest us or that help advance our agenda.

We might even practice attentive listening where we’re paying attention to what the other person is saying and comparing it to our own experience.

But the highest level of listening—empathic listening—requires a deeper level of caring. It requires a special brand of unconditional love: not just the generic “I love everyone” kind of universal love, but genuine unconditional love for the individual you’re seeking to understand and lead.     

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So, knowing that you care very much about the people you serve and lead, and given that caring, what can you do to be a better empathic listener?

For one thing you can practice resisting the urge to be autobiographical. We are autobiographical when we project our own history or experience or perspective on the other person’s situation.

Four of the most common autobiographical responses are advising, probing, interpreting and evaluating.

When we advise we give counsel that’s based on our own experience or values.

When we probe we ask questions from our own frame of reference, perspective or agenda.

When we interpret, we try to figure something out based on our own history and perspective.

When we evaluate, we pass judgment on something. We either agree or disagree.

On the surface, all of these responses seem innocent enough. And they are. The point is that offered prematurely, any of these responses can get in the way of understanding.

To illustrate the point, let’s say Joe comes to you and with great sadness tells you that his family dog died this morning. You are well-intentioned and want to help. You’re also autobiographical. Here are four versions of a brief exchange:

Joe:   “Oh, our family dog died today!”
You: “You know, you can get another dog   at the animal shelter—and they’re free!” (advising!)

Joe:   “Oh, our family dog died today!”
You: “Don’t dogs bother your allergies? Why don’t you get a goldfish?” (probing!)

Joe:   “Oh, our family dog died today!”
You: “Yeah, I lost a dog once. But I got over it.” (interpreting!)

Joe:   “Oh, our family dog died today!”
You: “That’s a bummer.” (evaluating!)

This may seem like a silly example, but you can see how none of the autobiographical responses would help facilitate understanding. In fact, it’s safe to say that such responses would provide no comfort at all to the bereaved dog owner and might in fact be hurtful.

Of course autobiographical responses are not always harmful. In fact, they can be very helpful. The key is to avoid offering them prematurely.

The challenge with autobiographical responses is that—because we’re viewing someone else’s experience through our lens and not theirs—we can miss the opportunity to understand. A natural tendency for many people is to diagnose hastily, to jump to conclusions and to offer their perspective prematurely. Even when done with good intentions, that shuts down communication.

Context and timing are the keys. Depending on the context and timing of the interaction, as well as the amount of trust in the relationship, autobiographical responses may or may not be effective.

Autobiographical responses might be appropriate when:

•the other person’s communication is logical and without emotion
•the other person specifically requests your perspective and assistance
•the other person has a high level of trust in you

Autobiographical responses might not be appropriate when:

•the other person wants only a listening ear, someone to talk to
•the other person wants to express and explore his own feelings without feeling threatened or rushed
•the other person is communicating about something emotional in nature

Empathic listening is one of the most critical skills of a great leader. Empathic listening fills one of the most basic of human needs—the need for “psychological air”—having the opportunity to explore one’s own thinking, to express feelings, to vent emotions and simply to feel understood without being judged.

Empathic listening is also a character trait because it is rooted in love and genuine caring. As the old saying goes, “I don’t care how much you know until I know how much you care.”

Let’s say a teacher you lead expresses frustration with the irreverence of the children in her class. Rather than immediately jumping in with suggestions and other autobiographical responses, you might say something like “That must be a challenge,” or “Reverence is important to you.” This acknowledges the teacher’s feelings and gives her psychological elbow room to explore them with you. You may still offer suggestions, but you first allow the teacher to “talk through” her feelings. In doing so, you might well discover a good approach for herself. And even if she doesn’t, she’ll be in a better frame of mind to consider suggestions you may offer.

       

Quotes to Remember

In our attempts to influence others, we commonly make … mistakes, all related to either ignoring or shortcutting … influence. … we try to tell or advise others before we have established any understanding relationship, any real communication. Our advice, … will generally not be received until the feeling is good… the supreme skill needed here is empathy.… we try to build or rebuild a relationship without making any fundamental change in our conduct or attitude. If our example is pockmarked with inconsistency and insincerity, no amount of win-friends-influence-people technique will work. As Emerson so aptly put it, "What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I can't hear what you say." – Stephen R. Covey

Sometimes the best service is to listen with love and concern. – Jaroldeen Edwards

We interview with the spirit of love, and this should be the entire purpose of every interview—love. This should be the underlying factor. There should be no other source but love as we talk… – Robert L. Simpson

Note: The excerpts of Leadership for Saints posted on Meridian are only a fraction of the contents of this 349-page book. To learn more about this ground-breaking book and to order copies, click here. 

© 2003 by Rodger Dean Duncan & Ed J. Pinegar, All Rights Reserved