Leadership for Saints, Part 33:
The Power of Empathy
by Rodger Dean Duncan and Ed J. Pinegar

The best of both worlds is to communicate in the same spoken language as the other person and to employ the language of the spirit. Here are some ideas to help you.

First, learn to listen. Oh, we realize you may think you’re already a good listener. You give others plenty of chance to talk, and maybe you’ve even overcome an earlier habit of interrupting. But just allowing others a chance to talk is not all there is to good listening.

Have you ever talked with someone who gave you the impression that his “silence” was really just the time he was preparing his reply to what you were saying? Good communication requires good listening, and good listening is all about understanding. A critical component of understanding is empathy. This involves identifying with the other person’s perspective and feelings. Again, empathy is not necessarily about agreement. It is about understanding. We cannot effectively communicate with another person unless and until we understand that person’s perspective and feelings or position.

Many of us believe we’re quick to understand. Sometimes we’re actually too quick, and we miss the opportunity to invite the other person to explore his own feelings in a way that’s helpful to both parties.

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There are a number of empathic listening responses that can be useful. Consider these:

Repeat verbatim the content of the communication—words only, not feelings.

Rephrase content—summarize the person’s meaning in your own words.

Reflect feelings—look more deeply and begin to capture feelings in your own words. Look beyond words for body language and tone that indicate the other person’s feelings.

Rephrase content and reflect feelings—express in your own words the other person’s words and feelings.

Discern when empathy is not necessary or appropriate.

There are a number of phrases that can be helpful in acknowledging and enhancing understanding:

Empathic listening is useful in a number of situations:

If you’re a seasoned leader with lots of experience under your belt, you may find empathic listening especially challenging.

What? Did you read that right? Someone with lots of experience might find something harder than a beginner? Yes. The reason is that in our “experience” we can make dangerous assumptions.

For example, the typical parent certainly has more experience than a teenager. But if that parent simply tries to impose his “wisdom” on the youth, more damage than good can occur. Good parenting, like any brand of good leadership, requires understanding. That comes only with patient, empathic listening.

A key with empathic listening is charity. It is a spiritual approach to understanding, not some technique for manipulation or control. For empathic listening to produce the understanding you seek, your motives must be pure. You must genuinely want to understand the other person.

Another reason “experience” can sometimes get in the way of effective communication is that “experienced” people are often very good at solving problems, at fixing things. Under the right circumstances, that ability is a major advantage. Applied prematurely, it can be a major roadblock to understanding.

Consider this example. Let’s say you are feeling ill and you go to a doctor for help. As soon as you walk into the doctor’s office he begins to write out a prescription for you. He doesn’t ask any questions. He doesn’t take any medical history. He doesn’t take samples of body fluids. He doesn’t take your pulse or listen to your heart. He doesn’t inquire about your symptoms, let alone try to identify the root cause of your ailment. You don’t even get a perfunctory tongue depressor and a request to say “ahh.” All you get is a prescription.

How much confidence would you have in such a diagnosis? How much confidence would you have in the prescription? Of course you would have no confidence at all, and rightly so.

That metaphor applies perfectly to communication. We should always diagnose before we prescribe. And effective diagnosis requires patient, empathic listening. And sometimes, no prescription is the right prescription—just effective, empathic listening.


Quotes to Remember

Good communication begins with listening. But more people seem to want to be heard than want to hear. – Brent A Barlow

You must learn to listen and to empathize (to see the world from another person's point of view). This involves accepting people as they are, appreciating their every effort, recognizing work well done, and affirming their right to be individuals, to feel and think differently. – Stephen R. Covey

Note: The excerpts of Leadership for Saints posted on Meridian are only a fraction of the contents of this 349-page book. To learn more about this ground-breaking book and to order copies, click here.

2003 © by Rodger Dean Duncan & Ed J. Pinegar, All Rights Reserved