Life after Surviving the Storms of Grief, Depression, and Trauma
By Bruce T. Forbes

Editor’s note: If you have not read the previous articles in this series, click here and here and here.

If you haven’t gotten there yet, take my word for it that there is an end to the storms of depression, grief, and trauma. The sunrise is beautiful; the birds’ songs are heaven-sent. The peace is a gift from your Heavenly Father.

Two Types of Recoveries

There are two types of people who make it through the storms of life, and I mention the first type only as a warning for you to not be this person. This first type of recoverer steps into the light at the end of the storm and says, “Look what I did; see how strong I am! I did this all on my own; no one helped me.”

The Lord has addressed this person:

Thus saith the LORD;
	Cursed be the man that trusteth in man,
	and maketh flesh his arm,
	and whose heart departeth from the LORD.
For he shall be like the heath in the desert,
	and shall not see when good cometh;
	but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness,
	in a salt land and not inhabited.
Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD,
	and whose hope the LORD is.
For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters
	and that spreadeth out her roots by the river,
	and shall not see when heat cometh,
	but her leaf shall be green;
	and shall not be careful in the year of drought,
	neither shall cease from yielding fruit...
I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins,
	even to give every man according to his ways,
	and according to the fruit of his doings.
	(Jeremiah 17:5-8, 10)

Enough about that person. The second type of person who steps into the light at the end of the storm immediately kneels and thanks his Heavenly Father for all His help. He hugs and kisses wife and shows husbandly gratitude for her sticking by him. He gathers his children and hugs and kisses them and thanks them for their prayers and faithfulness. He stands at the microphone on Fast Sunday and thanks the ward members for their prayers on his behalf, telling them he wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for all the help he received along the way.

It is this second person I would like to address in this article.

Acknowledge Him in All Things

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart;
	and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him,
	and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes:
	fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.
Honour the LORD with thy substance,
	and with the firstfruits of all thine increase:
So shall thy barns be filled with plenty,
	and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.
	(Proverbs 3:5-10)

Even if you cannot yet see what the Lord has done for you, acknowledge Him anyway — I promise you He was there. As you acknowledge Him, He just may unfold to you just how much He did for you. You will also draw yourself closer to Him so He can continue to guide you.

Acknowledge the wife who has stood beside you, helping or trying to help, and was never driven off no matter how terrible you became. Acknowledge your children who couldn't understand you, were afraid of you, and yet there they still are, thrilled at the father you are becoming.

Acknowledge your quorum members and other ward members. Even if you don't think they did anything, this simple act will tune them in that something happened and maybe they need to watch more carefully in case it happens again (and it will!). Then they will be able to give the assistance they didn't the first time around.

Gratitude — the Greatest Virtue

Gratitude has been called by many great religious leaders the greatest of all virtues. One even pointed out that if this is so, then ingratitude is the greatest of vices.

Show gratitude — which means DO something — to and for all those whom you have acknowledged as having helped you through the storm. Show gratitude for your new-found happiness. Show gratitude for all the beauty around you that you are now rediscovering. (I think we have some Primary hymns on showing gratitude even for the flowers and birds and trees.) Show gratitude for everything people do for you. Now that the Lord has given you a new life, make “Please” and “Thank you” the crowning words in all your conversations. All of them.

How to Show Gratitude

What is normal? This is a question that has plagued mankind for centuries. I would like to propose that a normal person is the person the Lord has instructed us to become; all else is abnormal in the eternal scheme of things. The greatest gratitude we can show to the Lord, our wife, and our children is to become a normal person in the sense that we become the man the Lord wants us to become.

Let's set aside all the worldly definitions of manliness and turn to the instruction books that Lord has given on how to become true men — and women. I am, of course, speaking of the scriptures. Let's look at a few lists of characteristics the Lord determines make a normal man.

Becoming a Man of God

Perhaps the greatest and best-known list of Manly (and Womanly) characteristics is the Beatitudes - or, as I refer to it when teaching the children, the 'Be'-Attitudes, because they are what we are supposed to be. Here is the King James version and the Book of Mormon version, side-by-side:

Matthew Chapter Five:	3 Nephi Chapter 12
	Blessed are ye if ye shall give heed unto the words of these twelve whom I have chosen from among you to minister unto you, and to be your servants; and unto them I have given power that they may baptize you with water; and after that ye are baptized with water, behold, I will baptize you with fire and with the Holy Ghost; therefore blessed are ye if ye shall believe in me and be baptized, after that ye have seen me and know that I am.
	And again, more blessed are they who shall believe in your words because that ye shall testify that ye have seen me, and that ye know that I am. Yea, blessed are they who shall believe in your words, and come down into the depths of humility and be baptized, for they shall be visited with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and shall receive a remission of their sins
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.	Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.	And again, blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek ('gentle'): for they shall inherit the earth.	And blessed are the meek ('gentle'), for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.	And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.	And blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.	And blessed are all the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.	And blessed are all the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.	And blessed are all they who are persecuted for my name's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.	And blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake; For ye shall have great joy and be exceedingly glad, for great shall be your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets who were before you.

The new man who has emerged from the storms and is looking to rebuild his life should prayerfully read the entire Sermon on the Mount and consider it the Constitution of Christian life. Then he should read the rest of the four gospels to see the life Jesus Christ led and seek to emulate it. Next, he should read the epistles that make up the rest of the New Testament.

In our day the Lord gave several revelations through Joseph Smith which outline the characteristics the Lord expects to see in a man who confesses to follow Him. First, there is Section Four of the Doctrine and Covenants:

And add to this:

Let us conclude by returning to the New Testament to read a list of attributes of a normal life outlined by the Apostle Peter's words:

	And beside this, giving all diligence,
	add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
	For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
	But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.
	Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:
	For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:5-11).

Stretch Your Hand Out to Others

The Lord has given you a new life. Now, to show your gratitude, you are giving that life back to Him through service on His behalf.

Learn to recognize others who are making their way through the storms of depression, grief, and trauma, and be forever ready to lend a hand to those who are where we were. Become brave enough to tell them that you have tread the path they are on and that you are willing to help whenever they are willing to accept what aide you can. Remember that you are not a therapist, but you are a friend.

Reaching Out

When our baby died we received many kind and gracious cards as expressions of love and consolation. The cards that truly caught our attention were the cards that included written remarks such as “My wife and I have been where you are now”; or “I know that you can survive this trial, because we did.” How grateful we were for those who had buried a baby before us who reached out and were willing to help us on that same path. These were the persons we sought out and asked questions and actually listened to their words of advice and guidance.

Likewise, many well-intentioned lecturers were promptly ignored when they were telling me what to do to get over my depression, because I knew they were all theory and absolutely no experience. But one Sunday a stake high councilman pulled me aside and said: “I hear you've joined the ranks of the depressed — let me officially welcome to the club!”

We found a quiet place and talked through Sunday School and quorum time about depression, medication and herbs, and what the path was going to be like before I came back out into the light. Although we didn't become close friends, we became brothers united on a journey, each checking up on each other on a near-weekly basis; much like the classic diet program of having a “diet buddy” in order to give each other strength and support. I mentioned this analogy to him one Sunday and he laughed heartily and called me his “depression buddy” from then on.

I urge, in the strongest possible tone, that a man or woman going through despair or distress of any kind actively seek out church leaders and beg to be given opportunities to serve. This serves several purposes. First, it takes your mind off yourself, as discussed in previous articles. Second, it opens the windows of Heaven (Malachi 3:10) in pouring God's blessings upon you. Third, the appreciation you will receive from those you have served will be an “in-your-face” statement of your worth to others.

I urge in the same tone that leaders not put the distressed and despairing person in a corner until he works his life out. Instead, call him to callings and acts of service where he will be appreciated and nurtured.

Armor against the Next Storm

We are all familiar with the “whole armor of God,” as illustrated by the Apostle Paul (Ephesians 6:10-20). It includes such armor pieces as —

In modern revelations the Lord has added to this armor though promises He has made to those who are striving to become men — and women — after his order:

When I think of those who wear charity (service) as a mantle, I naturally think of my parents. They were always the first names on a sign-up sheet for a service project. They were always available to help someone in need.

If my father saw a car hood open he would stop to see if help was needed. He and his sons spend many Saturdays mowing widows’ lawns. As a child I accompanied my father to homes of people he didn't like to offer service, and we left with a new-found closeness and association.

If there was a tired mother or crying baby, my mother was there to offer aid and calm. When the church called for the women to make blankets to ship to orphanages in Eastern Europe, my aging mother knew she wasn't up to making blankets, so she made baby clothes, and as she finished each set of clothes she knelt in prayer and pleaded that the child who wore them would be watched over and loved.

My parents' lifetime of service is in fact wrapped around them like a mantle; a matching set of monarchs’ robes that sets them apart from those whose lives have been spent in pursuit of worldly goods and acclaim.

The Lord has even answered the question as to why there is no armor covering our backsides as well as who is protecting our vulnerable back:

Wait Upon the Lord

In years past, the phrase “wait upon the Lord” meant to me that I was stuck in some waiting room waiting for Him to attend to me. As I have matured and received some training in the use of the English language, I learned that to “wait upon” means the same as to “attend to.” The picture in my mind graduated up from being in a waiting room waiting to be served to being a faithful servant to a graceful Master who appreciated my service.

As a Primary teacher I learned to explain to the children that we “wait upon” the Lord when we serve His needs. And, I immediately taught them that the Lord's biggest need is for us to become righteous sons and daughters of God and to show this divine nature by how we serve each other. King Benjamin taught his people:

Am I Cured or Just in Remission?

Although some of you lucky few will be totally cured for life, the majority of us are simply in remission, keeping an eye out for the next outbreak. As we learn how our mind is working and how the medications or herbs we use will balance the chemicals in our brain to maintain that remission, we learn to more quickly catch when depression or other such maladies are starting their comeback and are quicker to prevent it from getting out of hand.

Lean upon the Lord for His help, comfort, and guidance. Lean upon and trust your loved ones. Continue to learn about the type of depression with which you contend and continue to do those things that will prevent it from getting the upper hand.

Finally, for those who fear the next storm, the Lord has lovingly promised:

Build upon the Rock of His Gospel, knowing it to be the one sure anchor in a life of unfathomable and unbearable storms. Remember the words of a man who dealt with suicidal depression his entire adult life and yet continued to find safe harbor in the Lord:

God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs and works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; the clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err and scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter, and He will make it plain.

(“God Moves in a Mysterious Way,” William Cowper, 1774;
Olney Hymns, London: W. Oliver, 1779)