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When a Handshake
Isn’t Enough
How to Help the Grieving, Depressed, or Traumatized Man
By Bruce T. Forbes
Author's note:
All names have been changed to protect the person’s privacy.
Each story in this article was told to the author personally.
“The Sunday after our baby passed
away,” said Aaron, “the ward surrounded my wife and
children and showed them all the love they could.” Aaron paused.
“But no one even approached me or spoke to me. After all,
'real men' don‘t hurt. It was a month before anyone talked
to me, even in quorum meetings. This rejection hurt worse than the
baby's death!”
Society’s perception that "real
men" don’t hurt or grieve is in fact a myth. Men hurt
and grieve in equal numbers as women, but society demands they deny
it and not deal with it for several reasons.
In his role as protector and provider
for the family, a man must endure for the family’s continued
protection and survival, regardless of the events around him; he
must push aside his feelings for the good of the family.
Also, the man is by nature the rock
upon which their family leans when traumatic events occur; only
after the family has recovered does nature allow him to emotionally
deal with the event. But because everyone else has recovered, they
wonder what his problem is instead of remembering that he has been
busy getting them through the healing process and is only now able
to face the situation himself.
Hence, no natural support base exists
for the man to lean on, and he is left alone and misunderstood.
Additionally, society in general rejects
the idea that men can be victimized. "Everyone" knows
that certain violent, traumatic crimes either can’t happen
to men ? or they assume that what happened to a male victim is somehow
his fault. If a man is traumatized, it is assumed he did not adequately
defend himself or that he allowed it to happen to him through sinful
living or by being too dumb to prevent it. Because of this, male
victims can remain unaided and neglected by disbelieving family,
friends, clergy, and law enforcement.
You Are Your Brother's
Keeper
Many well-meaning men excuse their
neglect of their troubled brother by saying that it’s simply
male nature to leave him alone to work things out on his own. “It’s
what he’d want us to do,” echoes through meetinghouse
halls too often, excusing ward members from aiding their brother.
Although this neglect may be the natural
order of things, we must remember that the “natural man is
an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19).
The prophet Alma outlined specific
qualifications for church membership with no exception for gender:
…as ye are desirous to come
into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing
to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with
those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of
comfort… (Mosiah 18:8-9).
But all too often, this ideal doesn't
translate into our modern world. In the example cited above, Aaron
went on to suffer suicidal depression — not because of his
baby’s death, but because of the rejection he felt from men
who believed that "giving him space" and "allowing
him privacy" were the manly things to do, even though he was
literally crying for help. He credits his Relief Society president
and his wife's visiting teacher as the reason he’s still alive.
They alone took him under their wings and nurtured and comforted
him, and they didn’t let go until he was able to handle daily
life again. He continues to testify that Relief Society aids the
men of the Church as well as the women.
Men Are Allowed to Grieve and
be Traumatized
There are many events and conditions that traumatize a man. The
death of a friend or loved one, poor health, a sudden disability,
divorce, a vicious or violent crime, and loss of employment are
among the issues that can cause worry, stress, depression, and trauma.
Additionally, many find that their employment puts them into violent
situations; many men work with violence or its aftermath as part
of their daily jobs.
Law enforcement officials, fire fighters,
paramedics and other emergency workers, medical professionals, and
military members can deal with violence and its aftermath on a daily
basis, wearing down their minds and spirits. These workers often
build mental barriers to the situations to protect themselves, little
realizing that these automatic, unconscious responses to protect
a person's own sanity can do harm to himself and to those around
him. This condition is called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
(The U.S. Department of Veteran’s
Affairs has posted an excellent website on Post Traumatic Stress
at: http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/general/fs_what_is_ptsd.html.
Men are not the only ones affected; any witness or victim of a disaster
or crime can experience this trauma.)
Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome
Here are four basic facts concerning
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):
1. A traumatic event (natural or
man-made) occurs in which the person witnesses, experiences, or
is victimized by actual or threatened death, injury, or violence
? and he responds with intense fear, horror, or helplessness.
2. After the event, the victim continues
to re-experience the events along with the associated emotions
through recollections of fear or helplessness, nightmares, flashbacks,
or other psychological distress.
3. The affected person begins to
avoid emotional stimuli, becoming emotionally numb in order to
stop the memories, thus cutting himself off from much of normal
living.
4. The person is in a constant vigil
to insure the event does not happen again, becoming highly irritable
and even experiencing severe sleeping difficulty.
What Can I Do?
The "natural man" does his
best to show comfort to another man by giving a firm handshake,
mumbling honest, well-meant words, and parting before either shows
emotion. If they’re especially close they may make eye contact
or touch each other’s shoulder. Sadly, there are many times
a man needs much more than a handshake! The following is a list
of things to do and remember.
1. Know the man and how he
handles his emotions. Some individuals really don’t
need or want comfort in times of crisis; others just think they
don’t. And some men cry out for it. It is a mistake to label
all men as “don’t need or want” simply because
of their gender. When this is done, stereotypes prevail and those
in need go unaided.
2. Don’t let him struggle
alone. Bert was a member of his stake high council prior
to a bout of depression. His depression was so severe that he was
released from the council so he could work through his illness.
Unfortunately, the belief that he should be left alone prevailed
to the point that home teachers were told to wait for Bert to contact
them and youth leaders told the deacons to not bother him for fast
offerings. After a year of being left alone, Bert was sufficiently
convinced he was unwanted and uncared for that he didn’t return
to church, even after the depression subsided.
Two years later he was approached to
teach Primary, which he did with great love and compassion for the
children. However, his mistrust for the adults who "abandoned"
him persisted. It was only through the childlike love of a Primary
class that Bert realized he was still loved and slowly came back
to full activity. There was no judging or diagnosing by the children
? just innocent and honest love.
People dealing with severe issues such
as depression see this lack of contact as a statement of their worth
to those whom they perceive have "abandoned" them, and
a person cannot perceive abandonment unless there has first been
a close or emotional attachment. These feelings show that the person
perceived a tie that has been severed.
Once you have prayerfully visited the
troubled man to see what aid you can give, you will know whether
or not he should be left alone. Most people, however, need human
interaction to help them validate their grief or trauma, understand
it, and to talk and heal.
When working with a troubled man it
is important to give the help and comfort he needs ? not what you
insist he accept. If he truly does need to be left alone,
let him know you are available "just in case" and then
check up on him with a frequency that will not make him uncomfortable.
Such contacts can be disguised as home teacher visits or as an offering
of baked goods to show you are thinking of him.
If, however, he needs to be surrounded
by love, then by all means surround him with love. Don’t deny
him fellowship and nurture just because he is a man.
3. Don’t set blame, judge,
or diagnose. Violence and tragedy are more often caused
by being in the wrong place at the wrong time than by personal transgression.
Depression is rarely brought on by immoral living. Divorce is not
always the man’s fault. Just because a man is sick, traumatized,
depressed, or grieving does not automatically mean he has sinned.
Jared lived a happy, ideal Latter-day
Saint life until his wife confessed to an affair and announced she
wanted to marry her boyfriend. As details of her affair became public,
ward members gathered around her to comfort her while rejecting
and shunning Jared, even though they understood her role in the
break-up. Jared stopped attending his meetings until he moved to
a new ward, and members of the previous ward used his inactivity
as "proof" of his guilt.
Judging a person’s worthiness
is for the bishop alone; the Lord allows no others that responsibility
and has even warned: “Judge not … for with what judgment
ye judge, ye shall be judged” (Matthew 7:1-2). Diagnosing
the source of a person’s depression or trauma is for the individual
and the mental health professional to discover. And, judging a person’s
fault in divorce is the work of the courts. The rest of us should
fear to tread these waters while concentrating on the command to
“bear one another’s burdens … to mourn with those
that mourn … comfort those that stand in need of comfort …”
(Mosiah 18:8-9).
It’s important to remember you
are not a mental health professional. Because you are not
a professional, you cannot make the decisions a professional
would make. But if the situation warrants more help than comfort,
love, and fellowship can handle, then the sufferer should be encouraged
to seek the proper professional assistance. Where LDS Family Services
exists they can help with such immediate diagnosis and outline a
plan of treatment. In extreme cases the sufferer may need to be
forced to accept help; this should only be done by the proper medical,
mental health, or legal authorities.
4. You aren’t qualified
to set expectations. People handle grief, depression, and
trauma at their own speed, and those around them must allow for
this. Leave the goal-setting to the individual and the professionals;
the rest of us must simply love and fellowship.
Latter-day Saint men and women in the
armed forces are currently experiencing battlefield situations,
and when they return home they need us to understand that they have
been through traumatic experiences. Many will experience PTSD for
years; some for the rest of their life. They do not need
well-meaning helpers forcing them to talk and heal according to
the helper’s timetable. They also do not need people telling
them, "It’s all in your head; get over it."
What they need is for friends and neighbors
to welcome them home and ask what they need in order to return to
civilian life. They need ward members and leaders willing to educate
themselves about PTSD and ask: "How does this affect you?"
and "What can I do to help?"
Franklin wasn’t able to attend
church meetings when he returned from Iraq because his mind would
not let him enter a "non-secured" building. The habit
of having to guard himself was still too strong.
Additionally, the noise and confusion
level of children and adults shouting and rushing through the meetinghouse
hallways created too much noise and confusion for him to maintain
any sense of calm. Flashbacks of shootouts in narrow, dark streets
occurred every time he tried to stay in the building. Unfortunately,
it takes time to get over a flashback incident; it took several
days for him to calm down after each attempt to attend church.
This trauma was the same when he tried
to go shopping in a crowded store or even walk down the sidewalk
of a busy neighborhood, or enter any other unknown situation of
the same nature. Franklin's bishop was unable to help until another
bishop, a military veteran, educated him on PTSD.
Franklin’s in-laws were also
unsympathetic and demanded he return to being the person he had
been before. They thought they knew better than the mental health
officials who had rated Franklin a life-time case of PTSD. Worse
yet, they accused him of making it all up and demanded he admit
there was really nothing wrong and act accordingly. Finally they
attempted to destroy Franklin’s marriage so their daughter
and sister could have a "normal" life.
Family members must realize they cannot
judge or diagnose what they are not trained to recognize. They need
to learn from and work with their returning soldier, just as they
would a traumatized police officer, firefighter, paramedic, medical
professional, or a victim of violence who has reached the point
of having seen and experienced so much that he cannot face any more.
Only when the returning service member
feels trust and respect from those around them will he be able to
talk about his war experience. Trust is the single most important
factor in the rehabilitation process; without it you simply become
one of "the enemies" who are trying to force the veteran
to do something he cannot yet do. This applies to all who suffer
from PTSD ? man or woman; on or off a battlefield.
The only thing we non-professionals
can do to help the healing process is to love, accept, and help
victims according to their needs; not ours. Our attempts to force
them to heal according to our expectations will do more damage than
good. The recovering man (or woman) will lose what little trust
and faith he has been able to develop in you ? a trust that may
never be regained.
5. Don’t be afraid to
touch a touchable man. Many cultures, religions, and societies
have legal or moralistic rules concerning physical contact. Within
cultures where physical contact is allowed, there are still
personally-perceived boundaries and as well as moral and social
implications as to how, when, why, and how publicly a man allows
himself to be touched. Such standards and perceptions must be respected,
but at the same time the comforter needs to know the man and understand
what boundaries he has or has not set. Allow the Spirit to direct
you in knowing when you can put an arm around a man’s shoulder
and when you can hug him or even take him in your arms to let him
cry.
“I don’t know what to say!”
exclaimed a caring Relief Society president when Carl and his children
came to church three days after he and his wife experienced a still-birth.
Carl’s reply was simple: “When you don’t know
what to say, then hug.” She immediately hugged him, not letting
go until she felt her hug had adequately expressed her love and
concern.
A year later she confided in Carl that
his simple advice had changed her entire outlook. “I don’t
have to cure all the ward’s ills,” she told
him; “I just need to comfort and assist those who are going
through them!” This sister had caught Alma’s vision
of church membership and was able to teach it to the women in her
ward.
David’s coworker gave birth to
twins, one of which died at birth and the other after a year of
operations to correct birth defects. He attended the funeral mass
for the second baby and then made his way down the receiving line
to express his condolences. He saw everyone hug the mother but merely
shake the father’s hand ? including the grieving father’s
own family!
The spirit whispered, and after hugging
the mother he pulled the tall man’s head down to his shoulder
and whispered: “God loves you, Boy.” The father held
on to David and cried for many minutes, and David didn't let go
until the father had had his cry. David’s coworker told him
later that through all the trial and sorrow he had been the first
man to show any kindness or thought to her husband, and his simple
act of kindness literally gave her back her husband.
Among men who do not normally touch,
a shared hug in a moment of tragedy or crisis becomes a silent,
sacred bond never forgotten. On the other hand, a man who is comfortable
with such contact perceives its absence in a moment of tragedy or
crisis as a rejection that will also never be forgotten.
6. Listen with your mouth closed.
Those of us who are not trained therapists must know and
accept our limitations in giving advice to the troubled man. The
best work we can do is often with our ears open and our mouths closed.
We can listen and we can sympathize; we can suggest a few things,
such as thoughts of inspiration. But we cannot conduct therapy or
tell him what to do to heal from the situation.
The most important thing is to let
him know he is believed, loved, and cared for. Often what a man
needs is a listening ear; a sounding board. We cannot do that with
our mouth open, ready to give directions.
Often the greatest sermon we can give
the hurting man is allowing our tears to be seen as we listen. This
requires no words and says more than all the lectures he has probably
already heard.
One of the most thoughtless, harmful
things we can say is: “I know how you feel.” That phrase
should be banished from our lips and our minds. Unless we have been
through the exact same situation we do not know how he feels, and
he already knows this.
Louis, a member of the Army Reserve
who served in Iraq, came home and tried to talk to his father about
what he’d witnessed and survived. Well intended, his father’s
reply was “I know how you feel.” In Louis’ mind,
as with other veterans, this was taken as an invalidation of his
experiences and feelings, because his father had never been in the
military or on a battlefield. His father was perceived as a liar
for having made the remark, and a door was closed to talking with
him. Louis now only speaks to fellow veterans about his war experiences.
The listener can not discount the man’s
impression of what happened to him to cause the issues he's trying
to resolve. The listener may not think the situation is or was as
bad as the man thinks, but a personal perception of an event is
a reality and should not be invalidated or minimized. The sufferer's
feelings must be respected; we need to treat him and the situation
as if it is as bad as he perceives until competent mental health
professionals can help him see the situation in a truer light.
In fact, mental health professionals
may even validate that the man is correct about the seriousness
of the situation, at which time we need to correct our view of the
situation to better aid him. If, for instance, Franklin’s
ward was serious about his inability to remain in a confused, confined
situation due to battlefield flashbacks, they might work to turn
their noisy, confusion-ridden meetinghouse hallways into something
far more calm and reverent. They might also stop trying to save
pennies and turn the hallway lights on, removing the appearance
of the dark, narrow streets where Franklin had participated in so
many gun battles. And, his bishop might read the offered book on
PTSD so he can better understand and assist Franklin and his wife.
7. Don’t be afraid of
a man’s emotions. When women cry, people gather to
comfort and console her. When a man shows emotion, those same people
turn and run while laughing at or condemning him for his show of
weakness. It is no wonder the troubled man feels abandoned!
Never tell a troubled man to cry or
to stop crying. Allow him the blessing of his emotions acting on
their own and in their own time. Recognize that his God-given emotions
are as valid and as honest as a woman’s emotions. Men who
trust each other in this respect gain an honest and devoted friendship
time will not tear apart. It builds a fellowship that will unite
priesthood holders and quorums in a way the natural man will never
achieve.
Aaron, spoken of at the beginning of
this article, never met a man who would allow him to express himself
with any hint of emotion, even within his own family. Every time
emotion started showing, people would hush him up or walk away.
After ten years he still feels a barrier between himself and other
men that may never be removed. He continues to struggle to attend
Sunday school and priesthood meeting because of this perceived barrier.
8. Don’t be afraid to
be emotional yourself. Franklin speaks fondly of the Army's
"final roll call" ceremony for fallen comrades. The entire
battalion assembles for roll call, and each soldier answers as his
name is called out ? until the name of the fallen is called. The
name is called three times in memory of the fallen.
All five-hundred-plus soldiers are
unashamed of their tears as they remember their comrade and console
one another. Hugs and other forms of compassion are neither rationed
nor spared. The bond built between soldiers not only holds them
together but teaches them what real brotherhood can do in uniting
men ? and women ? in supporting and consoling one another.
“Jesus wept” (John 11:35)
as he reached the home town of his newly-deceased friend Lazarus
and began comforting the mourners. Even though He knew what he was
about to do, He still took time to validate the mourners’
feelings and comfort them before calling his friend from the tomb.
Later, He wept over the condition of Jerusalem and its wickedness
(Luke 19:41).
If Christ is our true example of Manhood,
dare we spare our emotions from a brother in need? Should we be
ashamed to show our emotions or deny our brother the comfort of
our compassion?
The scriptures are full of real men
who displayed their emotions. Strong, burly Esau wept at his reunion
with the quieter, gentler Jacob (Genesis 33:4); Joseph, second in
authority only to Pharaoh, wept while dealing with his brothers
and father, once so that all of Egypt heard (Genesis 43:30; 45:2;
46:29).
King David, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and the
Apostle Peter all wept. Mormon and Moroni grieved over the condition
of their people. Jehovah Himself revealed to the Old Testament prophets
his own weeping and anguish. Scripturally speaking, the man who
shows his emotions in grief and mourning and in aide to another
is in fine and righteous company.
Mental health practitioners have great
compassion for those they help, but they must maintain a professional
attitude while working with a client, following a strict code of
ethics that defines the level of detachment they must maintain to
protect the client. So even though man accepts the help of a therapist,
our assistance in mourning, comforting, and carrying his burden
(ref. Mosiah 18:8-9) needs to continue. We are, after all, our brother's
keeper (Genesis 4:9).
9. Don’t be afraid to
commit acts of kindness.
LeRoy and his wife were mourning the
death of a child, coping with their emotions while comforting their
surviving children. Life was bearing down on them when there was
a knock at the door. In came Charles and Pam, carrying an armful
of card and board games. They announced they had come to spend the
evening playing with the children. Seeing a night of blessed relief,
LeRoy’s wife retreated to the quiet of the bedroom. But LeRoy
stood and watched, mystified at the spirit of peace and calm that
had come over the home. Charles finally looked up and informed LeRoy
that he could go do what he wanted; everything was under control.
He went to his computer room, put his head down on the desk, and
slept.
Recently LeRoy reminded Charles and
Pam about that night, and their reply was that they didn’t
remember it. LeRoy told them that they might not remember but he
would never forget. Such acts of kindness in a moment of crisis
bind people, quorums, and wards together in a way that will never
be forgotten and always cherished.
Sometimes helping take the man’s
mind off his trauma for a short time is a great blessing. Fighting
chronic depression, John was literally hiding in his garage one
Saturday when he heard the sweet purr of a large automobile engine
in his driveway. It was a fellow ward member who owned an expensive
sports car. The man invited John for a drive, and they drove for
several hours before stopping for lunch.
Afterwards, the man handed the keys
to John to drive the car on the return drive. They talked about
everything but John’s depression throughout the day, and the
fellowship between the two men helped lift John to a condition where
could face attending church the next day, having been silently reminded
that someone cared.
Help for the Caring, Comforting
Wife
Although the Church has taught the
principle of self-reliance for many years, this principle has never
been twisted to the point that a husband and wife should think
they are independent of each other. Self-reliance is to be practiced
as a couple and as a family.
Just as a man is the first and foremost resource in loving, comforting,
and consoling his wife, she is his front-line love, comfort, and
consolation. Often a spouse’s love and comfort are the greatest
mental and emotional medicines available, and with liberal applications
many of the world’s ills can be regularly counteracted.
Conversely, the absence of this medication
only deepens the wounds. These times of trial are when a marriage
union is cemented surer and more securely than through decades of
easy, comfortable times. Without this mutual aid and protection
from life’s ills, a husband and wife will grow apart and eventually
find comfort and consolation in other places.
A husband and wife cannot fail each
other during trying times. In order to succeed, they need to know
that there are home teachers, visiting teachers, quorum and Relief
Society leaders, and a bishopric who are willing to respond not
only to the suffering man’s needs but to help the wife as
she copes with her role as her husband's first-line defense against
the world. Because the entire family suffers when one of its members
suffers, ward leaders need to be aware of available church and community
resources to help both the suffering man and his defending, consoling
wife and offer those resources to both as they are needed.
Parting Thoughts
“...I say unto you, be one; and
if ye are not one ye are not mine.” (D&C 38:27; see also
entries in the Topical Guide under ‘One.’)
A man who needs help is seen by today’s
society as a loser who can’t make it through life. He is looked
upon as a whiner and complainer. Society then preys upon him to
pull him down even further, punishing him for his cry for help.
One of the purposes of the church is
to be a community of brothers and sisters who are helping one another
in whatever way needed. A grieving or traumatized man or woman needs
to be able to come to church or to his leaders and find solace and
comfort. Resolution is not always within the leaders’ or members’
grasp, but comfort and aid and solace should always be available
as they assist the man in finding and receiving the help he needs.
As this is done, a bond of brotherhood
and friendship will develop akin to the scriptural injunction of
being One with his fellow ward members.
Just as in marriage, a ward and a quorum
are strengthened through the difficulties they face and overcome
together. They are strengthened with bonds that will carry them
through the easy times and help them to love, to show compassion,
and to assist the next brother in need.
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