Planning Get-togethers with the Expanded Family
By Fay A. Klingler

As our families expand, having enough space to get together in the home becomes more and more difficult. I call it a numbers game. The goal of the game is to offer what each individual needs to feel recognized, accepted, nurtured, and a sense of belonging to the family. Over time, the varying ages, personalities, and opinion differences increase the challenge. Thanks to my reader contributions, today I am providing a few solution ideas on gathering the expanded family — delegation, locations, and themes.

Tony and Lorraine Alldredge are the parents of eleven children and the grandparents of twenty-seven. They are certainly in the thick of the numbers game!

Eight of their children are married and have family commitments of their own, so they try not to request more than the children can fit into their busy lives. Tony and Lorraine seek family time that does not interfere with in-laws, and they try to announce events well in advance. Where possible, they combine purposes.

“We have an Extended Family Home Evening once each month,” said Tony, “alternating between Sunday evenings (a lesson) and Monday evenings (an activity). Some of our children prefer Sundays (because of workday schedules and schoolwork demands) and others prefer Mondays (because of conflicting Church duties), but they all like to meet once a month. A person or couple is designated at the beginning of the year for each gathering. They are responsible for organizing the gathering and for notifying everyone a week in advance of the time and place.”

Tony said they often have a potluck meal with this meeting, but sometimes only refreshments. “These gatherings are held at our house, at the house of another family member, or at a park. The size of the group and the large number of young children make these gatherings rather noisy, so lessons are short. But we feel it is important for the children to get to know their cousins, aunts, and uncles, so socializing is given significant priority. Lessons can be serious, such as those dealing with differences in marriage or the dangers of the Internet, but all are brief, often with more detailed handouts. These gatherings are great times for announcements, for planning future events, and sometimes for resolving family issues.”

The Alldredges have a Family Conference every two years. “Summer time at our mountain home is a favorite option (with the youngest families inside and others camping on the lawn), but this year we are meeting at a California state beach,” said Tony. Their Family Conferences include a half-day for women only (where Lorraine is in charge) and a half-day for men only (where Tony is in charge). In each case they do something fun and incorporate a short presentation by Tony and Lorraine (usually 15–20 minutes). “These brief presentations offer the most serious comments at the conferences and are carefully and prayerfully prepared,” explained Tony.

A conference highlight might be a formal dinner-dance for adults only. For such an occasion, the size of their group has led them to rent a local, women's club building ($100 for the night) which has a dance floor, a piano, tables, chairs, and a kitchen. The food is prepared in advance and the room and tables are decorated to make the evening special for all concerned.

Tony continues, “An informal campfire is often a part of conference festivities and occasionally a talent show or a wilderness hike. This year we also plan to have some foot races and team competition between the grandchildren. But since we all agree that socializing and having an enjoyable time are the keys to success for these conferences, we try not to overdo the structured activities.” One or two families are assigned to prepare each meal for this year's beach camp, with Tony and Lorraine providing tables, chairs, a large cook stove, and cold water. Cost is always an issue, both for the young couples and for Tony and Lorraine, so they enjoy those places and activities they can all feel comfortable paying for. This year Tony and Lorraine are paying for the state beach fees, but are avoiding expensive beach houses.

“Of course, everyone cannot attend every time,” said Tony, “but we encourage everyone to come if at all possible to the monthly Extended Family Home Evenings and to the bi-annual Family Conferences. We try to alternate our Family Conferences with larger family reunions, and we sometimes cancel our events so only one major gathering is requested each month.”

In addition to their Extended Family Home Evenings and Family Conferences, the Alldredges invite a married family to dinner at their house nearly every Sunday and they try to arrange to baby-sit for a married family every few months. After putting the children to bed, Tony and Lorraine watch a rented movie and then visit with the parents when they come home. This provides one-on-one time with the grandchildren, a date for Tony and Lorraine, a night out for the parents, and time for Tony and Lorraine to visit with their grandchildren’s parents all in the same evening.

Florence Moody and her husband, Howard, have six children. As their family began to mushroom, they still found it easy to gather their family together in their large home with two big family rooms and a large backyard. But some time after their last child left home to start a family, Florence and Howard decided to downsize. As they did so, they questioned how they would handle a large crowd in a small home. That’s when they began reserving one of the parks close to their home for Memorial Day, the 4^th of July, the 24^th of July, and Labor Day. Florence said, “They were potluck affairs, and amazingly there was always plenty of food. We extended these picnics to include other family members — aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends of grandchildren, etc. The more the merrier!”

The park they reserved for the past fifteen years became known to their family as the “Moody Park.” It had a large baseball field, tennis court, pavilion, and children’s play area with slides, swings, and sand area for the little ones to build sand castles, etc. “What was especially nice,” said Florence, “was that this area was closed in with a fence, making it a safe area for the little ones to play.” The Moodys used all the facilities.

At Thanksgiving time, Florence and Howard used their meetinghouse for their sit-down dinners, which occurred every other year so that each family could have the opposite year to gather with their in-laws.

“Christmas is a special time for our families,” explained Florence. “Each of our children takes a turn hosting our Christmas party. They choose the place, program, and menu for the evening. Food assignments are made, and everyone helps with food preparations. In addition, on Christmas Day, we hold an open house at our home — no time schedule, buffet food.”

Florence said that when they gather for special occasions at her home, she serves food that can be eaten on the guests’ laps — finger foods and easy-to-handle items, again buffet style. “The important thing,” exclaimed Florence, “is being together and letting each individual know how much they are loved and needed! There is no better sound than chatter and laughter coming from those you love, as they enjoy being together. Close quarters are not a worry. People love to be where the action is. Being together gives us a feeling of intimacy, love, and unity, and we all need that feeling of belonging.”

My husband and I have a blended family — six his, six mine. Together we have 26 grandchildren. So, yes, like Tony and Lorraine, we too are playing the numbers game! From the beginning, we tried to accept the challenges as one combined family. We attempted the lesson portion of the Extended Family Home Evening idea, but received too much resistance from certain married children. Trust had not yet been developed — an integral element in developing unity in a blended family. However, we maintained family activities and invited one or more of our married children with their families to Sunday dinner.

One event that we hold every other year on the 4^th of July has helped unify our family more than any other. We call it our Family Slumber Party. Everyone comes home for this event. Because our family is so large, gathering in the summer works best for us — weather and space being the most important factors. Families pitch tents in our backyard or use our empty bedroom or floor space in the house.

Our Family Slumber Parties have definite themes. The last one was “KD (Klingler/Daley) Gold Rush Days.” Months before each slumber party, I send out a request to the grandchildren to write a story about the theme and draw a picture. They send them to me and I compile them in a book, making one copy for each grandchild to take home. I include on each grandchild’s contribution a picture of him or her. This way every grandchild takes home a scrapbook, showing all their cousins and step-cousins, to enjoy until the next slumber party. For the “KD Gold Rush Days” theme, the children were asked to write a story about gold prospecting that might include information on how to mine for gold, where to look for gold, and what equipment to use to find gold.

Generally, we invite the adults to a temple session the night just prior to the sleepover. The evening of the slumber party, family members come dressed to fit the theme for a family picture in the backyard. Then we have a potluck dinner, which sometimes includes a baking contest. Various activities surrounding the theme are delegated out to various family members. Often we have a talent show. For the “Gold Rush Days” theme, we made up play money for the grandchildren to purchase gold-panning items we had available in an auction format.

That evening my husband bore his testimony and we all knelt in the backyard, holding hands in a circle for a family prayer. Then we presented each of our children with a gold-etched, Moroni crystal in a blue satin box that we had specially made for the event. We told them that the most important gold they would ever find was from the gold plates — the Book of Mormon — that the Gospel of Jesus Christ was more precious than anything else in the world. Then we closed the evening with fireworks, delighting all the children and grandchildren.

Of course there’s not a lot of sleep had during the night. But there is a lot of late night games, visiting, and bonding. In the morning, my husband and I provide breakfast in the backyard, and then the activities start up again. For the “Gold Rush Days” theme, we purchased gold-bearing sand from Alaska, set up an awning in the backyard, and taught everyone how to pan for gold. Everyone who tried took home a vial of gold they panned themselves, learning new skills and patience. We served a simple lunch, and then everyone packed up to go home.

Those from out of town stay longer for our Family Slumber Parties, but the main event for the entire family lasts two days and one night. Yes, it is a HUGE chore, but the returns are huge also. Our family has blended about as successfully as any I know, and I believe the activities we consistently have are the main contributors to that success.

Whether it is camping, singing, eating, or playing games together, periodic gatherings help families stay close (or become closer), foster communication, and encourage warmer relationships between siblings and cousins. As Florence Moody said, “All too soon the years are gone, and so are the opportunities.” Even though the numbers game becomes more difficult to play as the family expands, winners make time to enjoy being with one another, enriching lives and leaving a legacy of love for the generations that follow.

Note: Next month I would like to write about how to handle the stress of gift giving — birthdays, graduations, holidays. I welcome your stories and comments. Please send your contributions to fay@klingler.com.