The Art of Step-Grandparenting
By Fay A. Klingler

I am presently at my stepson’s home, tending his daughter and helping his wife, who gave birth to a beautiful, baby boy just a few days ago. It’s quiet at the moment. Shanelle is drawing in her book while mother and baby sleep.

When I go to speak in conjunction with The LDS Grandparents’ Idea Book, I am always asked for grandparenting ideas when the grandchildren live far away. I covered that issue in my last article. Other things I am often asked about are how to handle step-grandparenting and what to do when the grandchildren are kept from you. Today I will write about step-grandparenting. I invite you to contribute your positive solution ideas for my next article on what to do when poor relationships, divorce, or separations diminish the time grandchildren can spend with their grandparents.

I find it interesting how much grandparenting can be the same as step-grandparenting, and yet, at times, so different. For the purposes of this article, grandparenting refers to dealing with families who are your blood relatives, while step-grandparenting is dealing with families you married into — the grandchildren are not your blood relatives. Step-grandparenting could also include grandchildren you “adopt” from your neighborhood or ward. (Note: This “grandparenting” column in general refers to both. It is only for the purposes of this particular article that I have differentiated between the two.)

Relationships are unique. Every family situation and every individual creates a different set of dynamics. Not always — you may be among the exceptions — but for the most part, in step-grandparenting your level of control and influence is at least one step removed from grandparenting. That step is controlled by your step-son or step-daughter, and in some cases, your spouse.

Perhaps you’ve experienced marrying into a family and having a stepson corner you with the threat, “You better not keep my children from their grandmother” (or grandfather, whichever the case may be). Or maybe you’ve offered to take a step-grandchild on an excursion and had the parent refuse, insisting you have a hidden, unhealthy agenda. Has your spouse intentionally or unintentionally been possessive when around his or her grandchildren?

From my viewpoint, there are two deciding factors in building healthy step-grandparent relationships. And neither of them have anything to do with the children! When given a chance, children will embrace those who reach out to them with genuine love, regardless of blood relation. The difference comes from either the attitude of their parents or your unwillingness to put in the necessary effort.

For your part, you must be willing to:

1. Genuinely focus on the children without any hidden agenda. Don’t do things with them for the purpose of impressing their parents or your spouse. Your experiences with your step-grandchild should be to enrich a child’s life and to build unity in your family.
2. Ask the parent for the opportunity to do “such and such” with the step-grandchild, offering to discuss your ideas. If the relationship is not comfortable, ask your spouse to talk with his or her son or daughter, suggesting the activity.
3. As much as possible, open your schedule to include date and time options, giving the parent enough advance notice to consider your suggestion.
4. Watch your attitude. Do not be pushy or try to force the activity on the parent or step-grandchild. Be willing to accept the decision of the parent. Remember, unless the step-grandchildren have moved in with you and the parent has moved out, you are only in charge and accountable for your reaction to their decisions. Be willing to have as much influence as allowed by the parent. If there is a wall thrown up, concentrate on doing your part to make that wall as thin as possible.
5. Simplify your explanations about the blended family. Make them as unemotional as possible. After several years of family get-togethers, a teenage grandson said to me, “I thought these were my cousins. What am I supposed to do now?” A parent had pointed out to my grandson that he was not a “real” cousin to the parent’s children. (Wow, the parent’s attitude makes a huge difference in the blended family equation, and you may not be able to change that.) I could have tried to make a lengthy explanation that included a lot of emotion, expressing my hurt, but instead (and I admit I’m not perfect at this!) I kept the grandchild’s feelings in mind and simplified my response. I said, “Well, that true. You know your grandpa and I were married before. So let’s just say these are your step-cousins. Now you go out and have a good time with them.” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Okay,” and went outside to be with the others. For the grandchild or step-grandchild, simplify these complex issues. They will not understand your emotional struggle. They will only remember an emotional struggle you cause for them.
6. Be patient. Sometimes progress is measured in minuscule steps. The following two phrases linked together might sound like a contradiction, but they work — don’t try too hard and don’t give up.
7. Be trustworthy. Keep your word about what the activity is and when it will take place, proving to the parent and the step-grandchild they count as a priority in your life. (I wrote about this subject in “The Power of Your Word” some time ago — http://www.meridianmagazine.com/
   grandparenting/050921word.html. Trust is an integral element in bridging the gap of blending families.
8. Whether your activity is a family home evening lesson,

working in the yard,

or cooking in the kitchen,

think about what you want to accomplish — what feelings do you hope to produce as a result of the activity, for the step-grandchild, parent, and you? Keep that in mind as you plan your activity, and as it unfolds, do your part to insure fulfilling your goal.

Last month, I attended a memorable funeral for an extended family member, Gene Johnson. He did not have any children of his own. In his lifetime, he married three women who had previously been married and had families. The first two wives passed away. Then he married my husband’s sister-in-law Shirley. Gene was a Korean War veteran and very involved with the hospice program prior to his illness. Several things greatly impressed me at his funeral. One of them was the love and complete devotion of Shirley’s family to Gene. Although they were all step-children and step-grandchildren, he accepted and loved them as his own and let them be accountable for how they responded to that love. From what I saw, they chose to love him as though they were born to him. He had more than 70 step-grandchildren and more than 50 step-great-grandchildren.

In the pictures above, you can’t tell which children are step-grandchildren and which are grandchildren. Yet there is a mixture included. Whether they are step-grandchildren or grandchildren, old or new-born, like little Dylan who just joined our family, they’re all sons and daughters of God and deserve your efforts to share your love and attention — to provide beautiful moments and happy memories. Just the spirit they feel in your home can make a difference. Each time you show up at a ball game or smile in their direction a mark of love and value is placed in their hearts.

In today’s world, where blended families are common, many are called upon to be grandparents to grandchildren who are not literally their own. When I interviewed a friend’s, older step-grandson for my grandparenting book, he said, “The trick to being grandparents to such children [those not literally your own] is to simply ‘be grandparents!’ No less. No more” (The LDS Grandparents’ Idea, Fay A. Klingler, Book Spring Creek Book Company).