Loving the Holiday Season
By Fay A. Klingler

Holidays, specifically Thanksgiving and Christmas, are joyous for some individuals and heartaches for others. As grandparents, relationships, time, and/or finances hit the center of and often determine the direction of those feelings. For me, it’s numbers. I mean my family has grown to such a size that I have difficulty accomplishing what I want and am accustomed to doing just because there are now so many people involved. Although I still do a lot of “planning and preparing,” I’ve been forced into doing far more “adapting.”

Holiday events don’t start with the invitations. They start with your attitude. The most important gift you can give to your family for the holidays is an emotionally healthy attitude. Some years I’ve felt really “put upon” by my family. I mean I’ve done all the work preparing meals and gifts while they just come and eat and visit. But when I look back on it, I realize I played the martyrs role. I didn’t ask them for help, and I didn’t even accept it when it was offered. So it wasn’t that they “put upon” me; I did it to myself. Being a tiny bit wiser now, I try to think ahead about my attitude and what I want to see happen for my family and for me when I plan a holiday event.

I start with feelings. I ask myself, “What do I hope people will feel when they come to this event?” Then I ask, “How do I want to feel when they leave?” If my goal is for them to feel welcome, accepted, and loved, and for me to feel happy and fulfilled, then I have to prepare my attitude and my activity to accomplish that. Both my body language and my mouth must convey a feeling of safety to those who choose to attend.

Sometimes the event is focused on the grandchildren having fun. So I plan numerous activities that involve them. Other times I focus on the adults, either an activity I think they would enjoy together or my not “putting upon” them so they have time to relax and just visit with each other. At times my goal has been for us to work together and feel the natural resulting camaraderie. There is no “only” way to handle the holidays, and no two years necessarily have to be handled the same. But if I want to facilitate the well-being and happiness of my family, one thing is sure. My attitude will make all the difference.

In planning your events, consider the following:

• How much energy can you provide?
• How much time can you invest?
• How much money can you use?
• Will the way this event is handled become a tradition?
• How many people should you expect?
• Where can you hold this event?
• What date works best for the most people?
• What time?
• How should you extend your invitations — phone calls, e-mails, written letters?
• How much advance notice will your family need?
• What specific activities do you want?

Holiday events can be successful in many ways. Consider possible options:

• Make food assignments to family members, limiting what you are providing to the home and the main course or dessert.
• Provide your home for the cooking, a day ahead and just hours before the event, where family members can prepare their food assignments.
• Ask the strong-backed family members to come early and set up the tables and furniture.
• Ask mothers to bring an activity to share with the grandchildren.
• Plan an open house where family members come and go throughout the afternoon.
• Have each of your extended families prepare and serve a portion of the meal at their home, having the entire family travel car-caravan fashion from one home to the other.
• Instead of the traditional main meal, plan a holiday breakfast, brunch, or evening, in-home movie snack.
• Allow one of your children to plan and host the holiday event for the family at his or her home.
• When your numbers are small enough, consider inviting neighbors or friends.

Look around you; perhaps there is a young family who cannot afford to travel to be with grandparents this season. Or you may find grandparents who do not have the means to travel to be with their children. One year we invited an elderly gentleman to join us for Thanksgiving. Jim Sherman was in his 90s, and my husband and I were his home teachers. Jim brought his saw. In his hands, that tool was the most remarkable music instrument. He knew hymns he could play and sing by heart. We listened in awe to the sweet melodies. Then he delighted some members of our family by instructing them how to play the tunes on his saw.

It’s a cliché to say it, but it is true; all families are busy. So giving your family members enough notice helps to see more in attendance. However, because of in-laws, illness, finances, or other reasons, no matter how close your family is, there might be members who are unable to attend. Instead of berating those who do not come, focus on understanding their reasons and point of view and on being grateful for those who do attend.

In my last column I wrote about our family’s annual trick-or-treat party. In preparation for that event, I send out by snail mail a written invitation. Traditionally, I include the dates, locations, and times for the Thanksgiving and Christmas events. Every other year our family enjoys a slumber party in July. In the trick-or-treat party invitation I also introduce the theme of the upcoming slumber party and the specific date so families can begin to organize their vacation schedules to attend. The location is always our home, and the traditional date is around July 4. I follow up later with more specifics about the event.

Traditional dates, foods, and activities can add to the warmth and expectation of happy times. One family always uses a specific tablecloth for their Thanksgiving meal. Each year new members of the family sign in permanent ink their signatures on the tablecloth. Some families traditionally give each member a turn at Thanksgiving to tell something specific they are grateful for.

We have a tradition at Christmas. Each year I make homemade chicken enchiladas for our family meal. We used to have a Christmas piñata for the children. (This is part of the “adapting” feature of my grandparenting life!) Now because of the numbers and because the grandchildren have grown and consequently have considerably more muscle hitting the bat into the swaying piñata, this activity has been suspended. Perhaps we’ll pick it up again when we have great-grandchildren!

This year I want to share something special with my family for Thanksgiving. My visiting teacher came last night and mentioned a magnet note that she has on her refrigerator. The note’s message is taken from the comments of Lucy Mack Smith, mother of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I was grateful for my visiting teacher’s sharing. That note was exactly what I needed. Today I began preparing that message on a canvas sheet to give to each of our children.

If you cherish your loved ones, they will have cherished memories of the holidays they spent with you.

What do I hope people will feel when they come to Thanksgiving dinner this year?

“Let us cherish, watch over, and comfort one another that we may all sit down in heaven together.”