Kids Spell "Love" T-I-M-E
By C.S. Bezas

A few decades ago a debate raged amongst parenting experts over "quality time" versus "quantity time" spent with children.

Proponents for "quantity time" argued that the amount of time spent with a child was paramount to his growth. Whereas, proponents for "quality time" appeared to argue that children's needs were met not with huge amounts of time spent with their parents, but with "quality time" spent with parents. In other words, activities that focused solely on the child effectively built him or her — even if a parent could spare no more than, say, fifteen minutes a week with that child.

This second group claimed that the "quality time" approach was healthier for a child compared to another child who might have spent an entire day weeding a lawn with his parent, but was criticized off and on throughout those hours-upon-hours together.

The truth of the matter is probably somewhere in the middle. And by looking at the origin of the word time, we gain additional understanding of "time"'s potency. In the Dictionary of Word Origins, author Joseph T. Shipley delineates the amazing history of the term time:

Although this word comes from the root ti, to stretch, it was quite early used not merely of time but of the fit time, hence, of good time, prosperity. The early word for everyday time was tide; cp. tidy. As tide took on its more limited application to shifting waters, back into the more general sense came time. All in good time (Dorset Press: New York, 1945, p. 357).

From Joseph Shipley's historical understanding, we gain our understanding that the flavor of time can signify a feeling of "stretching" or being "stretched." Time also was originally associated with prosperity, in addition to the term "tide." And just as the tide goes in and out cyclically, children should be able to depend on the consistency of our time spent with them, where we "stretch" time enough to include them in it. All of this builds a "tidy" feeling (to use the author's useful word) in the lives of our children — a predictable feeling of order.

In truth, "time" is a very important word in the lives of our children. It has oft been said that children spell "love" with the letters T-I-M-E. It is perhaps more true than many of us realize.

T-I-M-E.

If a child spells "love" with the letters T-I-M-E, what would each of those letters signify to the child? In other words, what is a child's perception of true parental love? A clear perception of love might very well come from a child's receiving the following four experiences: being made to feel TERRIFIC, seeing parental INTEREST in his life, experiencing consistent MUNIFICENCE, and being EDIFIED by those who matter most to him — his parents.

T = TERRIFIC.

Can you imagine a child who feels the following phrase manifested in their life?

Parent: "You are terrific enough in my life that I want to spend time with you."

Perhaps the words would be different, but the feeling would be the same. And isn't it true that which we value we make time for? Those things that really hold the greatest significance for us we make time for.

Talk to any corporate executive. There is no time for anything — that is, until a loved one has been hit by a car and is now in the hospital. Somehow schedules are rearranged and tasks are delegated so the loved one has someone with him during his moment of pain.

But what about emotional pain? Especially on the part of a child? If we load our lives with enough excuses, we will never have the time to help, let alone see the fear or difficulties in our children's lives during emotionally challenging times.

Yet, on the other hand, if we take time to notice each child — really notice him on a "tidy" basis (consistently and predictably, as in the ancient use of the word "time") — we might be more privy to our children's quiet, emotional emergencies and therefore willing to make time adjustments to meet their urgent needs. All of this expresses to them that they matter and are "terrifically important" to us.

This of course takes time — not much, but some. And as we manifest the expression to our child that they are terrific enough for us to leave adult activities for them, it leaves them feeling that they matter. All of this translates into "love" in the mind and heart of a child (or a spouse, for that matter).

Slowing Down Our Lives

Yet how do we slow down our lives enough to grasp this principle? For years I was bemused and frustrated with how busy my life felt. I never seemed to get to some of the projects I wanted to accomplish on a personal level, let alone some of the fun I wanted to have with my kids. Then our internet access crashed. It took more than a week to get it running again.

During that week, I was astonished to see quite clearly how much time I'd spent dealing with emails and research on the web. Some of that was necessary, but the amount I'd spent doing it arguably was not needful. Unknowingly the internet had become a "Time Monster," eating up more of time's precious commodity than I'd realized.

There are many hidden (and some not so hidden) "Time Monsters" that eat away at the precious commodity of time we have with our family. Seek them out and destroy them before they destroy that which you value most — for truly, our children need to know that they are TERRIFIC in our eyes. One of the few ways they feel this is when we spend T-I-M-E with them as consistently as the tide comes in and out.

It might be said that God interprets love and time in the same way children do. He says, "Serve one another." This implies time spent. He says, "Keep the Sabbath day holy." This implies time reserved for the Lord. He says, "Meet together oft." This implies time spent with fellow saints to build one another and to worship together. He says, "Pray morning, noon, and night." The time to do this has to come from somewhere.

All of this implies and lifts our love to the Lord. Would or should it be any different with our own children? Yes, indeed, it would behoove us to show our children that they indeed are TERRIFIC. We do this by sharing our T-I-M-E with them.

I = INTEREST.

A parent indicates interest in his child through very simple means. Putting down the newspaper and looking the child directly in the eye when he has approached you is one. Joining them for a five-minute moment while they're playing a game on their Game Cube or X-Box is another. Just saying "Hi" as they enter the room is another surprisingly simple activity that indicates your interest in your children.

Yet how often as parents do we cease personal activity to focus on little Sally or big Johnny as they approach us? How often do we look them directly in the eyes when they are speaking to us? Truly, these tiny motions in time indicate interest in them as a person and in their concerns.

Our children's concerns may appear of little interest to us, but to them they are at times insurmountable. For example, "Raquel hit me at school today," may seem a passing comment to us, but to a small child trying to figure out control of her world, it is an all-encompassing and alarming moment.

If we turn this around, in fact, perhaps on the surface it might seem our concerns could appear microscopic in God's eyes. They are not. In fact, we are told the opposite. We are told to pray to him and seek his help over many daily factors (see Alma 34:17-27). In fact, German author Basilia Schlink once said, "God is not too great to be concerned about our smallest wishes." Perhaps as parents we should "not be too great to be concerned about our [children's] smallest wishes," either.

When we indicate INTEREST, we indicate love to a child. Children really do perceive interest as an expression of love. It takes only a brief slip of time to indicate that interest, and in so doing, our children will see within that T-I-M-E our "LOVE" for them.

Interest Indicates Verve

Interest also indicates "verve." Verve is a delightful word. According to the Second College Edition of The American Heritage Dictionary, "verve" signifies "energy and enthusiasm" and "vitality; liveliness."

How often are we "verve-full" in our time spent with our own family? Do we show enthusiasm during our children's expression of ideas or thoughts? This form of respect goes a long way to build children — to show love, and to express abiding confidence in their abilities while they grow. All of this, of course, takes T-I-M-E as we seek to build a "verve-full" approach to life and to our children. Indeed, verve is nothing but an enthusiastic expression of interest in our children's lives.

The scriptures are quite helpful, even in building this category within us. As one thinks of "verve" (this expressed zest and enthusiasm for life and for others), it seems a very close cousin to its full-hearted relative, "charity."

The dictionary defines "charity" not only as "the provision of help or relief to the poor," but also as an "act or feeling of benevolence, good will, or affection." Is this not "verve" in action towards others? When our hearts are filled to overflowing with charity, are they not verve-full, brimming with enthusiasm and love for that person?

Yet we live in a time wherein hearts grow cold. Sin is deadening the love of mankind. Jesus foretold this when he said, "Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold" (Matt 24:11-12).

We as latter-day Saints and followers of Christ must guard against the poisonous philosophies expressed so freely in the world. They are numbing and bring death to the soul. We must watch out for the pervasive selfishness hawked by so many advertisers who insist they know our needs. We must especially defend ourselves and our families against the deadly influence that media can bring in forms of many perversions.

All these influences will drag an individual down, including a parent. We must insist on personal fidelity to God in all arenas of our life if we truly are going to be full of love towards our own children. A life of verve-full charity depends on it.

A Life of Charity

Paul taught that of the three great religious actions (faith, hope and charity), "the greatest of these is charity" (1 Cor 13:13). So what is a parent to do who desires to show love toward his children, but struggles daily to do so? For indeed, Paul admonished, "Let all your things be done with charity" (1 Cor 15:14). This is no small matter. It appears that to please God, charity need be evident in our daily actions. But what is a parent to do if charity has not yet fully registered in his or her heart?

The prophet Nephi acts as a second witness to these thoughts. He teaches quite succinctly in 2 Nephi 26:30 that "the Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing. Wherefore, if they should have charity they would not suffer the laborer in Zion to perish" (emphasis added).

Do we unknowingly (or knowingly) stand by while our children perish in this world spiritually or emotionally, simply because we are "too busy" to spend T-I-M-E with our kids, manifested through charity (suffering long, etc.) and interest?

In King Benjamin's words, we will "succor those in need." When our children have needs that are pressing, we will help meet them, even if it impedes the day's schedule. How frightening it would be to appear before the Lord to discover the following occurred with our own children — that "the beggar put his petition to us in vain, and we turned him out to perish" (Mosiah 4:16).

The antidote to all this is a charitable heart and a life of verve towards our children — all of which the children will perceive as our INTEREST in them. The prophet Mormon gives us kind and wise counsel how to achieve this level of Christ-like living:

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen (Moroni 7:48).

In addition to Mormon's words, we have many other counsels to aid us as parents. For example, we learn in 1 Tim 1:15 that charity comes from having a pure heart. Any effort we can make as parents to purify our own lives, removing all things that offend the Father of our spirits, will give charity space to abound.

James teaches of additional building blocks to charity or a verve-full living, especially with our own children:

If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

James then goes on to define what pure religion really constitutes:

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world (James 1:26-27).

Charity's essential qualities include time spent with others in their afflictions and the purifying of our own lives. If we then are going to feel charity towards our own children, we need to spend T-I-M-E with them in their fears, challenges, and afflictions, in addition to keeping ourselves unspotted from the world.

Charity is not just for the big moments in life, of course. It also constitutes tiny "time-moments," where we sit with our arms tucked in the arms of our little ones while watching a show on TV, or give hugs before and after evening prayers, and when we hold fun and sensitive Family Home Evenings. All of these little "quality moments" actually build into large amounts of "quantity moments." Perhaps both camps of "quality vs. quantity" experts were right! Tiny "quality time" moments indicate INTEREST in each child. And a series of quality time-moments build "quantity time" that simply all-together spells "LOVE" in the heart of a child.

M = MUNIFICENCE.

Munificence is not a word that is heard often in today's world. But the feelings that are wrought as a result from another's munificent actions are easily recognized.

MUNIFICENCE simply means being generous, ungrudging, and benevolent. Are these not words that evoke the spirit and remind of Him who has redeemed us? What child would not thrive in a munificent atmosphere? What an exciting opportunity for us to learn how to create such an atmosphere!

True, to act in this manner on a daily basis might be a challenge — especially for those who were raised in abrasive environments themselves. But who is not willing to accept such a challenge — when it is the Lord himself who requests it?

We are to love all as He loved us. Perhaps we do not need to lay down our physical lives for our children, as Christ laid down His physical life for us, but He indeed has asked us to spiritually serve and sacrifice for the children He has purchased with His own blood.

Those children have been given to us and we are stewards over them. Is it too far beyond us to be MUNIFICENT with them as He has been with us? I think not. Meridian Magazine's readers tend to be proactive and desirous to build that which is good into this world. The more munificent we become, the greater the power our children have to receive all that the Lord has in store for them. Truly, when we are munificent, we manifest an integral part of the T-I-M-E equation — which in the heart of a child simply registers as "LOVE."

E = EDIFYING.

Love edifies. There can be no confusion regarding this conclusion. And edifying our children is one of our main purposes as parents. Even a brief study of "The Proclamation on the Family" leads easily to that analysis in the understanding of most adults.

Yet edifying also takes T-I-M-E. Therefore, we should ask — how much time do we as parents spend edifying (or building) our children? Daily? Weekly? Less often than that? Amidst the flurry of rushing our young out the door in the morning for school, amidst asking them about homework or chores in the afternoon, amidst getting to baths or basketball games at night, where is there the T-I-M-E to truly edify our children on a deeper lever?

It is certain that the adversary and those who hearken to his ploys seek the destruction of our children. Yet how much time and mental effort do we give in resisting his/their efforts in our children's lives? Do we spend time at the end of each day restoring our children spiritually to antidote the abrasive nature of today's world?

To edify means to "enlighten so as to encourage intellectual, moral, or spiritual improvement." There truly is no way around this one. To enlighten as to "intellectual, moral, or spiritual improvement" requires T-I-M-E. We must be willing to give it, if we are to save our children.

For who else will build our children intellectually? Who else will help them understand the urgency of a moral life? Who else will care enough consistently through the years to build their spiritual strength? It is given to us as our children's earthly parents to fulfill these roles. And to do this requires indeed love enough to spend the T-I-M-E enough to succeed in those parenting roles.

The capstone to these four letters T-I-M-E- is simple: hold a weekly Family Home Evening and you are nearly halfway home to all of the above and more. Thus, for this week's FHE FUN, why not try the simple, yet enlightening activity "I Spell Love T-I-M-E."

FHE FUN!

The purpose for this easy FHE activity is to show that time spent with each other can happen spontaneously, easily, and is oh-so important. The rewards that come as a result are sweet and eternal.

Supplies needed:

paper
pens, crayons, or pencils
scriptures
M&Ms

Begin your Family Home Evening with a hymn, prayer and a devotional/spiritual thought. Then simply follow these four easy steps:

1. Pass out a piece of paper to each person with a large circle drawn on it.
2. Instruct each person to create an analog clock face by drawing the numbers 12, 1, 2, 3, and so on, all around the circle. Then give three minutes or so for each person to decorate his individual clock as creatively as they like.
3. Next, have everyone place one M&M on top of each clock number.
4. To the side of each M&M (around the perimeter of the clock), have everyone write down an individual happy memory when somebody from the family spent time with him (one per clock number).

For each example participants write down, they get to eat that accompanying M&M. Some written examples might be, "David helped me tie my shoe." "Shelby helped me solve a math problem." "Dad took me for ice cream." "Mom gave me a hug before bed." (Parents or older children may need to help younger children record their thoughts.)

Once individuals are through recording their happy "time" memories (and have eaten the "reward" of each accompanying M&M), let the family take turns reading the hours/events of each person's symbolic day. It can be quite surprising to hear what has touched individual family members through the simple actions of another.

Finish by sharing your testimony as to the importance of family "time-moments" spent together. Perhaps you might find a scripture to share with the family as you close regarding this topic.

After the closing song and prayer, make sure to enjoy a few more happy "time-moments" by sharing simple refreshments.

SUMMARY.

This week will hold many more of these powerful, yet simple "time-moments" as each family member begins to notice the impact of their kind time-choices together. All of this builds a feeling of "LOVE" in the heart of each child — love that comes from T-I-M-E spent together.

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C.S. Bezas graduated from BYU in communications, with an emphasis in developing training programs. She has conducted trainings and workshops for audiences both large and small on a wide variety of topics and has won recognition for her writings and stage musicals. She is the owner of the new LDSMusicals.org, a site that offers free LDS music and stage productions. She has appeared as a speaker in a variety of locations in the United States and also has performed before audiences on television, stage, and film, most recently appearing as Anne Frank with the Florida Orchestra. Her new book Powerful Tips for Powerful Teachers is available in LDS bookstores and online. She serves as an EFY speaker and seminary teacher. She and her husband have four children and relish the gospel of Jesus Christ.