M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Family Friends: Fact or Fiction?
By C.S. Bezas

Fact or fiction: My kids are very close friends.

Quick, what was your answer? Now take a look at what Elder Marvin J. Ashton stated about family friendships and FHE:

One of the great purposes of family evenings ... is to have family members realize that a brother can be a friend, and that a sister can be a friend, and that a father and a mother can be more than parents, they can be friends.

I would hope and pray that we may catch the wisdom and the inspiration of building a home so that our members in that sacred unit can look upon a father and say, “He is my best friend,” or “My mother is more than a mother, she is my friend.”

When we realize that parents and family members can be more than blood relations and are in very deed friends, then we will have a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father wants us to live, not only as brothers and sisters but as very close friends. (Conference Report, Oct 1969, pp 28-29)

What sweet relationships he describes! So how are your children doing? Are there any friendships between them yet? If your kids are like my kids, "friend" might not be the typical word they call each other!

It's not that my children call each other names. That isn't allowed in our family. But "friend" is probably not the general feeling they have toward each other. To be honest, sometimes they play together well, sometimes they don't.

But I'm traveling on this FHE adventure with the rest of you! So I'm studying the precepts and principles our leaders have given us throughout the years for the strengthening of families. I'm excited to tell you what I discover each week and to share sample lessons that we've actually created for our own Family Home Evenings.

As I find creative "getting to know you" exercises, I'll share those. As I try different approaches to meaningful spiritual moments within family time, I'll give those to you, too. Take what I offer and improve upon it for your family. As you pray and seek the Lord's help, you will have fun, amazing, and spiritual experiences ahead of you. Your family will become closer as you spend time building your eternity together, hand in hand with each other.

This is what the prophets have promised ever since recommending weekly Family Home Evenings. I do not doubt their words.

I hope very much for that which Elder Ashton suggests, that our children will begin to look upon each other as very close friends within the family and upon their parents as more than just parents, but additional friends. And within that most sacred of relationships, that husband and wife will be not just spouses, but friends forever.

Remember, Elder Ashton said that building friendships within the family is one of the great purposes for Family Home Evenings. And indeed, when we achieve these kinds of feelings within our family, we know that we have begun to accept the finest that God has to offer — a family unit that will last through the eternities.

Elder Ashton teaches that one of the best ways to accomplish this kind of a relationship is through Family Home Evening. As parents, it is our responsibility to lead the way in this as our children's foremost teachers. I'm ready to reach this goal along with you. Let's lead our families there together!

The Way of the Parent-Teacher-Reacher

We reach for the friendship that Elder Ashton mentioned by setting a certain kind of pace — some might say an "urgent pace," given the world with its ever quickening stride toward sin. Setting the pace is indeed the way of a true parent. In fact, whether we like it or not, as parents we really are teachers. And as teachers, we are always instructing and reaching (be it for good or ill), even when we don't realize it.

For example, whether we are in the car and late to church or even just making dinner, all moments during the day add up to instruction. If we handle moments well, we've instructed well; if not, well — you get the point. How we approach spontaneous teaching moments could potentially aid or hinder the few planned minutes we spend together during our weekly Family Home Evenings.

Like it or not, we are powerful — for good or for ill. And believe it or not, we as parents have an amazing ability to reach in and turn around our child's day — whether in a good direction or not.

One of the best ways we can prepare for a successful Family Home Evening is to analyze how effectively we live the gospel during the rest of the week. If our kids see us driving 20 miles over the speed limit, but suddenly slow down in the presence of a cop, what kind of potency will our next FHE lesson on "honesty" have? If we slipped and criticized a neighbor last week, how well will our lesson on "kindness" go over this week in FHE?

Again, it is an awesome and at times overwhelming feeling to understand how far a parent's influence extends in the lives of our kids. Yet there is good news in all of this. It plays both ways. When our children see us being critical of someone, yet later we apologize, our children are blessed by that proactive and sincere example.

In this kind of effort, our children see that although we are not perfect, we believe the gospel. We believe in the joy that repentance and self-improvement yields. And our children will be more likely to develop an admiration for gospel living — and what that translates to — on a daily level. Then when they hear us lead out on a lesson in FHE, they are much more likely to listen.

These kinds of honest examples are potent! In reality, true parenthood does not require perfection. It simply requires individuals who are willing to set the example of sincere gospel effort. When we manifest this kind of verve for excellent living, any lesson we then prepare for FHE (or even delegate) will be better received and more likely followed.

Setting this kind of a pace is indeed the way of the true parent-teacher-reacher.

The Way of the Learner

It is important for us as parents to remember that no two individuals learn after the same manner. It is also very helpful to know that not everyone manifests with outward expressions the impact or receipt of a lesson. Therefore, as you spiritually move forward through Family Home Evening lessons and activities, don't give up or assume your children aren't listening in their rowdiness.

In fact, it could be quite discouraging to expect perfection from children. God doesn't expect this just yet from even us, their parents. He knows we're still working, still trying little by little — even after all our years on earth! Therefore, you may want to consider the same patient approach with your family members. Too high of expectations can cause much heartache, whether on the part of the parent or for the child. Little by little in positive directions soon becomes a lot, even for small ones!

I had to learn this the painful way with my firstborn. Paul was nearly a nine-pound baby at birth. Within two weeks he'd gained two pounds and two inches. And by the time he was two months old, he already matched the height of the one-year-olds in the ward!

Thus, the following experience shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. Sitting in a new stake Relief Society meeting, I started noticing kind, but pitying looks from sisters around the room. The looks continued throughout the meeting. I couldn't figure out why they felt so sorry for me.

Come to find out, due to Paul's size they thought he was a one-year old with a disability, instead of a two-month-old baby just learning to keep his head up and steady!

I had to chuckle to myself when I got home. By his size, they thought he should have been able to do much more than he was physically ready for. God knew his abilities; I did, too. But by external appearances, everyone else thought he should have been doing so much more than he was actually capable of doing.

You would have thought I'd understood a very important lesson by that experience. Alas, I must be a slow learner. Due to Paul's bright ways and physical stature, I too found myself having high expectations of him. Since he was the first of my children, I didn't know any better.

Now years later, in retrospect I can see the folly of my ways. I've learned much better what a three-year-old is capable of, what a four-year-old can do, what a ten-year-old should know, and so on. Wish I could have grasped it much sooner!

The point is, sometimes our expectations may be wrong regarding what our children are capable of. We see them on the outside and make assumptions of what they can do "on the insides." Just like those sweet Relief Society sisters, I sometimes make inaccurate assessments that color my expectations toward my sweet children (admittedly sometimes too high of expectations and sometimes too low). I remind myself often to seek counsel from the Lord in all parenting opportunities.

Thus, as you work with your children in FHE and as you serve them, perhaps you may want to consider spending time weekly to ask the Lord for accurate insights into the lives, hearts, and souls of your children. This way, if FHE at times feels like a bit of a tussle, you'll know which direction to head and how to handle the situation best for everyone involved.

Understanding capabilities, different learning styles, and which styles affect your children not only is important for FHE, but is also important to help you help your child in so many other ways: school, socially, and so on. For example, my husband's brother didn't really understand his learning style until he went to the MTC. There he discovered confidence as the instructors helped him with his learning disabilities.

Therefore, it is important to learn about the "way of the learner." As you do so, you will be able to help your children retain more from their FHE experiences and to feel comfortable and confident in the many facets of their life.

Again, little by little soon becomes a lot — no matter the direction you're heading. As you work a little at a time with your children, soon you'll begin to experience a deeper understanding of the nature of God's own work. As you then incorporate that work and those eternal efforts within the walls of your own home, you will begin to experience more joy than you might have anticipated.

FHE Fun

And now time for some FHE Fun! This week's theme is, "There is a Sweet within Each!"

FHE Outline/Structure:

Some families are new to the idea of a weekly Family Home Evening; others have been holding FHE consistently for a long time. Regardless of the outlined approach you use to structure your FHEs, as you incorporate prayer in preparation for each one, the Spirit will bless you because you have sought the Lord's help for your family.

It is important for you to develop in inspiration what you feel is appropriate to your FHEs. Therefore, from this point forward I will only include activity/lesson ideas in these weekly articles, leaving the rest of FHE up to you (opening hymns, prayers, and so on). And even my activities/lessons are only ideas. Feel free to modify them for your family's own use. [To read more about suggested approaches and a sample outline for Family Home Evening, click here]

FHE Mini-Devotional Time:

Last week I suggested that you allow family members to continue working on their "Spiritual Brochures" throughout the week. Now would be a great time, in lieu perhaps of a devotional at the beginning of FHE, to allow family members to share their work and their testimonies about the gospel principle they had studied for their brochure.

FHE Activity:

"There is a Sweet Within Each"

Supplies:

• pitcher
• rice
• M&Ms
• blindfold
• scriptures

Bring out a large pitcher that has been pre-filled 2/3 with rice and hidden M&Ms mixed within (at least one M&M for every family member). Ask for a volunteer who is willing to search for something while blindfolded. Allow them to look inside the pitcher to notice that it appears to be full of only rice, but let them know that something sweet is hiding inside.

Blindfold the volunteer. Now instruct him or her that there is an M&M hidden by the rice. Allow them as much time as they need to find an M&M and pull it out. Once they have found it, they may eat it if they choose.

Now ask for another volunteer. Explain that they too get to find their M&M hidden by the rice. Blindfold them and let them take as long as they need to pull out their M&M. If they would like help, let them call out the name of a family member. That "helper" is to come forward and give instructions verbally, but not physically help. If that still doesn't turn up an M&M, let them switch places, blindfolding the "helper" and letting them search until an M&M is found.

Once everyone has had a turn to find their M&M (you may want to have included a few extra M&Ms for easier finding if your children are younger), ask them how M&Ms taste. Then ask how the sweetness of M&Ms compares to families. Let them share their thoughts.

Then share Elder Ashton's quote from the beginning of this article. Ask, "How can having a 'best friend' be a sweet experience?" Let them know that just as an M&M was waiting for each of them, they too can be sweet buddies there for each other in a world of "hard and poke-y" experiences (much like the rice). But it takes effort to find the sweet 'treat' within each family member, much like the effort of reaching into the pitcher and searching for the M&M treat. It is so very much worth it when we find the “sweet” within each one!

My Thoughts/Your Thoughts

Possible follow-up questions to start this part of FHE might be, "What does the blindfold represent?", "What are the 'blindfolds' that prevent us from seeing each other clearly?", and/or "How does the world make it hard to find the 'sweet' in families?" Another question might be, "Why might the adversary not want us to find the 'sweet' in your brothers or sisters?"

Depending on the family's need, perhaps this question could be asked, "What do we do if one of us is feeling lost or lonely and needs help?" and "How did having a 'helper' help" (if applicable)?

Take the remaining M&Ms still in the candy bag and place them in a bowl in the middle of the table. Then say, "If you can name one thing positive about the family member to your right, then you may take an M&M." Proceed around the circle one at a time. Say, "Let's see how many rounds we can go! Can we make all the M&Ms disappear? This time name one positive thing about the person across from you (or next oldest)."

There are no wrong or right answers to this portion of FHE. The point is simply to get family members pondering on a deeper level the sweetness within each member, in addition to the issues that face them in today's world. Lead them in discovery why it could be important to band together as Elder Ashton suggests, as "very good friends."

Through this kind of open and supportive discussion, deeper bonds can begin to develop and an understanding that every member matters can blossom. Following this approach, love can be given the space necessary to grow within the heart and soul of your family unit.

It is important to remember that if the pitcher gets spilled, with rice and M&Ms ending up everywhere, you have an opportunity to turn even that into a question opportunity that builds each family member, rather than create a scolding moment. Christ used parables and stories to teach. Even a spilled pitcher of rice can create a moment of sweetness and family memory if we handle it gently.

Finally, ask each family member to open up their scriptures to find a verse that they feel could strengthen the family during the coming week. The purpose would be to find something that could act as a reminder that "There is a Sweet within Each." Write the scriptures on a slip of paper and tape it to the fridge or some other common area as a daily reminder of each person's special value in the eyes of God. We really can become very good friends as a family if we spend time working and playing at it!

Summary

When Elder Marvin J. Ashton stated that one of the great purposes about Family Home Evenings was to build very close friendships within the family, he meant it. I promise that as we work towards having FHE become fun, spiritual and bonding, we will achieve the friendships Elder Ashton talked about, where our children "can look upon a father and say, 'He is my best friend, or 'My mother is more than a mother, she is my friend.'

Regardless of whether you use this simple "There is a Sweet Within Each" or some other activity, just make sure you hold FHE this week!

C.S. Bezas' new book is now in LDS bookstores and has been called perfect for youth leaders and parents of teens. Powerful Tips for Powerful Teachers: Helping Youth Find Their Spiritual Wings also is available by clicking here.