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Building Eternity through
Family Home Evening
By C.S. Bezas
On the Church's website we learn that
"Family home evening is a special time set aside each week
that brings family members together and strengthens their love for
each other, helps them draw closer to Heavenly Father, and encourages
them to live righteously."
Let's look at this more closely, step
by step. Family Home Evening:
- Brings family members together.
What if not every family member wants to be present? What
then?
- Strengthens their love for each
other. What if quarrels break out during FHE time? When
contention is present, love struggles to remain. What then?
- Helps them draw closer to Heavenly
Father. What if your kids openly rebel against any form of
spirituality? What then?
- Encourages them to live righteously.
What if you feel like you're the only one holding to the iron
rod? What is a parent (or youth, if applicable) to do?
Of Highest Priority
Church leaders have admonished parents
to make Family Home Evening of highest priority. Yet for some families,
each step of the experience is a struggle. If so, you are not alone.
Growth is not achieved overnight in any particular area ¾ but when
you couple consistent prayer and obedience with consistent
love and effort, miracles take place on the pathway toward eternity.
This column is here to help you. In
the weeks to come you will find sample lessons, tips, and fun activities.
Start now by determining you will be obedient to the prophets' counsel
to hold Family Home Evening every Monday night. (If your family's
situation cannot be adjusted and necessitates holding FHE on a different
night, so be it. The important factor is that you follow through
with weekly Family Home Evenings.)
Also know that Family Home Evening
was never intended to be a stodgy, boring experience. In fact, the
First Presidency advised in 1915 that "formality and stiffness
should be studiously avoided, and all the family should participate
in the exercises."1
To achieve this, FHEs need to hold
interest and enjoyment for every family member — even the ones who
are perhaps the most recalcitrant of family members, our adolescents.
Recalcitrance Defined
Does any of this describe a family
member?
- resisting authority or control;
not obedient or compliant; refractory
- hard to deal with, manage, or operate
- stubborn resistance to and defiance
of authority or guidance
- not responsive2
If this is an accurate description
of any family member, then your responsibility may at times feel
double to that of others. Know that the Lord is aware of your efforts
and is equally concerned for the spiritual welfare of your loved
one(s) who might fit this description. Again, you are not alone.
Even the prophets are aware of the
challenge it might be to parent and love those who are resistant.
Yet President Gordon B. Hinckley has stated:
A spirit of forgiveness
and an attitude of love and compassion toward those who may have
wronged us is of the very essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Each of us has need of this spirit. The whole world has need of
it. The Lord taught it. He exemplified it as none other has exemplified
it.3
One woman put it best when she stated
that when faced with angry or rebellious family members, she remembers
Christ's response to those who were spiteful to him. Christ remained
calm. Another woman shared that in her experience it only took
(on average) three calm responses to her children for them to
then begin speaking more quietly to her in return.
Whatever the past "scores"
or hurts are from angry words or actions, we can change those
experiences into better and brighter ones. When a family has fun
together, it seems to weather so many other experiences together.
Our FHEs need to be not only spiritual, but they also need to
be fun if they are to meet each family member's needs.
Ever heard the expression, "They
don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care"?
This seems to be a true principle in human relationships, as true
as any principle could be. Our kids need to hear that they
matter to us, but they also desperately need to feel they
matter before they begin to believe it. Once they know this on
a deep level, oftentimes their behavior turns around. We can express
these deeper feelings of love in many ways, but laughing together
is one of the most delightful and potent ways. FHE provides the
perfect forum for this.
FHE for this Week
Can you imagine FHE becoming one
of the highlights in your week? And where it is one of
the oases in your family's week, where all are excited to get
together once again? Where all feel accepted and welcomed? Where
laughter rings out and the neighbors wonder what is so very fun
next door?
Remember (as stated above), the First
Presidency in 1915 wisely admonished that FHE was not to be formal
or stiff. This may or may not be a surprising statement, but in
retrospect it makes perfect sense. Really, what children (or parents,
for that matter) would look forward to a stuffy, boring experience?
Thus, your assignment for this coming FHE, should you choose to
accept it, is to make the experience as happy-hearted as possible.
That is your assignment for this
week! So in preparation, why not create a small survey for each
family member of "Getting to Know You Questions." I've
included some sample ones below, but feel free to modify them.
You know best what questions might better suit your family. The
best questions will help you get to know your precious loved ones
and to better fashion uplifting moments together that will meet
everyone's needs — perhaps not all in the same week, but over
time.
As you fashion your questions, imagine
that you are a new peer of your kids at school. What characteristics
would attract you to them? Begin looking beneath the surface of
your loved ones and have fun exploring what makes the viewpoint
of your kids (and spouse) unique and terrific!
You could start with simpler questions
and then move into deeper ones. But don't create so many that
it feels like a homework assignment! For example:
-
What is your
favorite dessert?
- Your favorite game?
- Your favorite outing?
- Your favorite sport?
- Your favorite book to read?
- Your favorite music?
- Your favorite activity?
- Your favorite meal?
- Your favorite article of clothing?
- Your favorite kind of shoe?
- Your favorite memory?
- What do you think was the most
important discovery made in the last 100 years? Why?
- What worries you the most about
the world?
- If there were one thing you will
do to make this world a better place, what will it be and why?
- What concerns you the most about
your own future?
- BONUS QUESTION: What is the zaniest
thing you can think of that a group could do?
Remember, there are no wrong answers.
All answers can be celebrated for one reason or another. Remember
not to take the responses personally. Remember God values each
of his children equally —even the troubled ones. As a parent,
it is important you take the same tact with your children. If
some responses come back that are ugly or unappreciative, simply
ignore those.
If your family members ask why you
are giving them the survey, simply smile. If they beg to know,
simply say that it's for something fun. Then smile even bigger.
Give each person a few days to think
about their responses. Many people aren't used to thinking about
their favorite things. Some are too shy to even know. Others are
too afraid to share what matters to them. Thus, when you simply
read the responses without commenting or giving value judgments,
your children will see that you are manifesting respect. Generally
speaking, they can only learn what they see modeled for them.
Do give a deadline ("by Friday
I'll need these back") so that you can receive their responses
in time to plan your first FHE with the theme of "fun-as-a-family."
Spend some time with your spouse praying about how you can bind
the family together with stronger bonds of love, remembering that
fun and time-spent-together are two of the most potent ways a
family can do this.
Once Monday night approaches (remember
to have gotten those all-important refreshments for afterwards),
have your sole purpose for this first FHE be that of pure fun.
Know that if your family hasn't played together in a long time,
it may feel awkward. Know that it may not be a utopian experience.
But do know that you've made a start.
And better yet, if you do have a
recalcitrant teen in the house, include them in on the surprise.
In fact, you could even "counsel" with them as to the
most surprising, "funnest" thing the family might do.
Just be ready that if you ask for their advice, you need to incorporate
it somehow.
If you would like an outline to follow
for a sample FHE, click here for last week's example.
Last of all, tuck the responses/surveys
away for future reference. You now have a compendium of information
to help you remember to incorporate a little bit of personal fun
into every Family Home Evening. The more enjoyable the experience
is, the more those little recalcitrant members might be interested
in actually participating!
Summary
As families, don't we all want a
Family Home Evening experience that is "a special time set
aside each week that brings family members together and strengthens
their love for each other, helps them draw closer to Heavenly
Father, and encourages them to live righteously."
We can accomplish this a little bit
at a time, Monday by Monday together, throughout the years. And
before we know it, in the process we will have built an eternity
together!
C.S. Bezas' new
book is now in LDS bookstores and has been called perfect for
youth leaders and parents of teens. Powerful Tips for Powerful
Teachers: Helping Youth Find Their Spiritual Wings is also
available by clicking
here.
1
"Building a Strong Family," Home and Family Section,
LDS.org, http://www.lds.org/hf/display/0,16783,4224-1,00.html,
June 17, 2007.
2
Dictionary.com, http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/recalcitrant,
June 17, 2007.
3"Lesson
7: The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Marriage and Family
Relations Participant's Study Guide, 25.
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