A
few days ago a handsome young man, a recent BYU graduate, came
to our home to visit and talk about his desire to find a wife.
He said, “What suggestions do you have for me? I want to get
married and I can’t seem to find the right girl. Or when I think
I have found her it turns out that she seems to like me at first
and then loses interest in me.”
We
shared two concepts that seemed to hit him like a bolt of lightening
and he said, “Wow! That’s profound. That’s my answer.”
The
ideas are definitely profound, and we definitely are not the originators
of them. Most of us have heard them in one form or another from
Church leaders and teachers for years, but somehow it had escaped
this young man until we stated it succinctly just for him in a
way that he seemed to grasp as though hearing it for the first
time. It reminds us of the scripture, “To all things there is
a time and a season.” It’s apparently his time for these concepts
to take on meaning for him.
Because
these ideas apply not only to finding a mate, but to keeping a
mate and developing a happy marriage, we decided to share them
in this Meridian article.
The
First Key
The
first key is: We suggested he make a list of all the things he
wants in a mate, then to put his name at the top of the
list and make it his goal to be that kind of a person himself.
We told him that if he becomes that kind of a person he will automatically
attract women with those same qualities which will allow him a
chance to build a potential marriage relationship.
We
became more specific and said, “If you want a faithful Latter-day
Saint companion, then you be the most faithful, dedicated Latter-day
Saint you can be. If you want someone who is forgiving, then be
a forgiving person. If you want someone who loves the scriptures,
then you must fall in love with the scriptures yourself. If you
want a person who is prayerful, then you must be constant in your
morning and evening prayers and have a prayer in your heart throughout
the day. If you want a temple-worthy companion, then you must
be temple worthy every day of your life.”
We
took another step regarding his future family and said, “If you
want a wife who wants children and wants to be a stay-at-home
mother during their formative years, then you prepare yourself
to be able to financially support your family so she can be a
mother at home. And prepare yourself to be a good and loving father
while you’re at it.”
Incidentally,
if you are a woman with a similar goal regarding marriage and
children, then we suggest you get an education and be intellectually
attractive so you will attract a man who is likewise prepared.
At the same time you will be preparing yourself to be a well-equipped
mother and capable of financially caring for your family in case
of unexpected illness, death, or other unforeseen tragedy.
Family
Proclamation Reminds Us
This
hearkens back to The Family: A Proclamation to the World,
which states:
We
went on to tell our young friend that if he wanted someone who
will treat him with respect, then he must treat others with respect.
In short, any quality he desired in a mate, he must cultivate
that quality in himself. He will then become an attractive candidate
to a woman with those same qualities. You can be assured that
anyone possessing those qualities will be looking for someone
who likewise possesses them.
We
must include a caveat here. No one should expect a mate or potential
mate to be perfect in all of these qualities, since no one is
— but they must be on the path, quietly and obviously working
to one day attain them in their fullness.
Elder
Richard G. Scott said, “The pattern of the Lord is for His children
to make decisions based upon eternal truth. This requires that
your life continue to be centered in the commandments of God.
Thus, decisions are made in accordance with unchanging truths,
aided by prayer and the guidance of the Holy Ghost (“Living Right,”
Ensign Jan. 2007, 13).
Application
in Existing Marriage
The
application of this first key if you are already married is the
same. Simply make a list of the qualities you want in your spouse;
then put your name at the top of the list. Examine yourself and
see where you fall short, then make the change. Be sure to add,
“Be forgiving.”
An
associate of ours made an interesting observation about his spouse
when he said, “My wife doesn’t get hysterical; she gets historical.”
Too many times a spouse will dredge up the past and throw it in
the face of their mate.
That
does nothing to foster change. We must be forgiving, letting
past sins and offenses stay in the past. Start now by noticing
and commenting on the good in your spouse, concentrating on being
the best you can be regarding areas where he or she may fall short.
Nothing is quite as powerful as a loving, non-criticizing example.
This
reminds us of a client who was very distraught over the way her
husband talked to her. At times he would swear at her and call
her insulting names. Interestingly, he expected her to crawl in
bed with him at night and make love to him. Now, after the way
he treated her, how absurd is that!
Unfortunately,
her response to him when he spoke to her in that manner was to
yell back and call him her own insulting names. It was only when
she responded to his insults with control, calmly stating that
he must never speak to her that way again, that change began to
happen. She kept at it, setting this boundary in a kind, gentle,
respectful and firm manner, and then leaving the room afterward
instead of being drawn into a high-pitched argument. She would
then go about her household tasks and treat him normally and with
respect.
It
took a few weeks until her kind boundary took effect. Now he
treats her with respect, never swearing at or insulting her. In
fact, they have developed a deep and loving relationship — one
she never thought possible. It’s all about becoming who you want
your spouse to be, along with setting a few boundaries.
Lloyd
Newell on Music and Spoken Word summed it up recently when
he said, “Think about what you want people to say about you at
the end of your life, then live backwards. Be that person now”
(December 31, 2006).
The
Second Key
The
second key is this: Open wide the playing field in order to allow
the Lord to answer your prayers without restrictions.
In
talking with our young friend, we found that he had indeed limited
the Lord. He wanted to marry an American Caucasian woman, even
though he was from another culture. In his mind he had made this
decision, which greatly limited his possibilities of finding a
woman who would be most compatible for him. This is not to say
that he won’t marry an American Caucasian woman, because he may,
but his chances for marrying someone who is right for him are
much greater if he opens the door to other possibilities.
Sometimes
those who are seeking a mate seem to think there is that one and
only person, a soul mate, created just for them, and the vision
of finding that one person seems to rule. President Spencer W.
Kimball clarified that idea when he said, “‘Soul mates’ are fiction
and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will
seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with
whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain
that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness
and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price...”
(‘Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3).
Blind
Dates
It’s
also wise to open the playing field by allowing friends and family
to set you up with someone they think would be a good mate. People
sometimes resist this arrangement, and in so doing may miss out
on a prize.
A
relative of ours, who had had several unsuccessful “blind dates,”
had decided to never have another one. A friend prevailed upon
him and he finally decided that he would give it one more try.
It worked and he found his wife. They have been happily married
for several years. Keep the playing field open and you have a
greater chance of finding your eternal companion.
We
strongly suggest that people give that blind date more than one
chance. You can’t accomplished a whole lot of falling on love
on just one date — usually. So don’t’ give up too readily. A
dear friend of ours is happily married to a man she just simply
didn’t like at first. He persisted, and she is so glad. They
have a very happy marriage and five adorable children.
We
urge you to give the ones who possess your main qualities a chance.
In dating don’t jump ship and leave the treasure behind before
you’ve have a chance to discover its full value.
The
Application to Those Already Married
So
how does the second key work in marriage? The playing field you
open is different than when you’re seeking a mate. You’ve made
your choice and you no longer look at anyone else with romantic
intentions. That field is closed.
What
you now do is open a playing field where you both have room to
grow and help your marriage become the best it can be. An open
playing field for married couples means having fun together, focusing
on what each other enjoys, and making that happen — being open
to new ideas, new opportunities, new places to live, new friends,
new Church callings, new talents to be developed. The list goes
on. It’s all about making the playing field an open one where
you grow together as you share life’s joys and sorrows.
Don’t
be focused on what isn’t working quite the way you planned and
be willing to move on to Plan B. Remember the words of President
Kimball, “It is certain that almost any good man and any good
woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are
willing to pay the price.” Be willing to pay the price. It will
be more than worth it.
In
Conclusion
These
two keys can be a valuable guide in finding and keeping a mate.
Whether married or looking for a mate it would be well to keep
in mind these additional words of President Kimball:
