Does Sarcasm Belong in Our Relationships?
By Klayne I. Rasmussen, Ph.D., LMFT

What is sarcasm? The dictionary calls it a sharply ironical taunt or gibe; a sneering or cutting remark. It's a popular form of joking because of its seemingly fun interaction. It seems fun, witty, shows a bit of brilliance on the part of the one who delivered it. It can also create an atmosphere of competition as one remark often generates a response of equal or greater brilliance. This interaction is sometimes called playful bantering.

We watch sarcasm constantly on our favorite sitcoms.  Perhaps because we see it so often, we may be tempted to insert sarcastic remarks itself into marital and family interactions. But does sarcasm belong in our relationships?

The greater brilliance of sarcasm is often in the cutting aspect.  Once you understand that, you’re not far from understanding that sarcastic remarks aren’t as innocent as they may seem.

A sarcastic remark among friends does not seem that harmful because it's a joke, after all. Right? But there may be real harm underneath the joke. Cutting words uttered with a sugar coating of humor can cause deeply hurt feelings. The one receiving the remark is left to wonder if the deliverer really thinks what he said. And the usual conclusion is that he does.

An uncle watching an animal show about the big-beaked toucan turns to his teen nephew and says, "Look — there's your twin." All in the room laugh because of course nobody has a nose as big as a toucan's beak. But the nephew is left to wonder, “Is my nose really big?” He becomes self-conscious about the size of his nose from that point on. The uncle, on the other hand, didn't think a thing of it because everybody laughed. He was actually quite pleased with himself for making such a quick-witted quip. Would he have thought so highly of himself if he knew how it made his nephew feel?

Sarcasm can also cover true feelings a person has about another. For example, you may have a negative feeling about your spouse or child. You want to express your feelings but are not brave enough to do it directly so instead you say it sarcastically — with a touch of humor. Your spouse or child is left to interpret your "true" feelings, and this usually has a negative effect on the relationship.

For example, a wife who knows she needs to lose weight has been told by her husband he loves her the way she is. As she heads off to the grocery store one day to do the family shopping, and while closing the door behind her, she hears her husband singing, "That little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home." The wife thinks, “My weight really does bother him,” and she becomes hurt and even more self-conscious next time they are together. He wonders why she isn't as enthused to be with him sexually and has a difficult time letting him see her body.

The term sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkasmos, which in turn derives from the verb sarkazsein, meaning, "to tear the flesh." It may be that sarcasm originated as a metaphorical idea that someone who uses sarcasm is "cutting up" the person that is the target of the remark. Indeed, sarcasm is a "tearing," not of the flesh, but of the feelings. Is this what you want in your relationship: torn feelings under the disguise of humor?

Two illustrations from The FrogBuster: A Girl’s Guide for Survival in the Dating Swamp based on true stories, show the effects of sarcasm further:

Cathy had a brother, whom she adored. One day as she and her brother were working out he told her in a joking brotherly way, "You sweat pretty for a fat girl." It may seem like a silly statement because Cathy was not at all fat. But it left Cathy wondering, “Did he mean I'm pretty, or that I'm fat?” Because of this nonsense statement, Cathy had a fat complex throughout her high school years and early adulthood.

Another example is Gretta. She was very athletic at a young age. For birthdays she would ask for bats and balls, not dolls. One night, in her impressionable early teen years, she was getting ready for the evening and decided to wear make-up and try out a purse. As she came down the stairs to the family room, her brothers and parents who were not used to seeing her with make-up and looking feminine, laughed and said, "What do you think you are, a girl?" For years after this experience, she wouldn't wear make-up or a feminine haircut because she felt funny about trying to be a girl.

Parents and partners who issue a steady stream of sarcastic remarks can expect injuries. We are not saying to stop all playful interaction, but interaction that is cutting, especially when delivered as a joke, should be removed from your playful arsenal. If your loved one tells you that you offended them with your remark, or that it bothers them, respect that and stop. Don't be too proud to apologize, even if your remark seems like no big deal to you.

Just remember we reap what we sow. In marriage, sarcasm is one of the things that can kill love and a family. Some parents are able to dish out sarcasm but get upset when their children treat them sarcastically. The children see the parents as hypocritical. And, as we can see from our actual examples, sarcasm can have lasting effects for years to come — all under the guise of humor.


If you interact in a sarcastic manner, and if you want to see your relationship improve, try removing the sarcasm from your interaction. It is one of the fastest ways to see improvement in marital interaction. You may find changing such interaction takes constant effort. It does for most people. Just remember, the next time you go to deliver a sarcastic remark, before you say it, think of the possible outcome. Ask yourself if you want the tearing part of the comment to have the effect on your loved one that it probably will have. If not, the remark would be better off left unsaid. There are plenty of healthy ways to fit humor into your marriage and relationships without the tearing of emotional flesh. Another interesting outcome of not using sarcasm anymore is you will begin to notice how often others use it. If you start to observe others' use of sarcasm you will be amazed at how often sarcasm finds its way into our interaction. It may give you some insight into how much you have been using it without even realizing it.