Instead of rehashing the ideas suggested
previously to answer the continuing interest in more specific
answers to sexual questions, this article starts with the assumption
that there is greater wisdom in not having a laundry list of intimate
do’s and don’ts, and in allowing the stewardship for the sexual
relationship to remain between husband and wife. Each couple has
a responsibility to develop their own self-reliance — even within
the delicate and intimate relationship of marriage.
In part I of this article we discussed
the counsel we’ve received from scripture and church leaders to
guide our thinking, as we seek to determine what’s appropriate
within our own marriages. We discussed the importance of couples
feeling free to express and develop their lovemaking within their
own private sanctuary of marriage, so that there is a spirit of
trust and openness, rather than one of shame and embarrassment
or impending condemnation. In this article we’ll address additional
issues that make it wise indeed to leave the sexual relationship
specifics to husband and wife. We’ll also discuss ways we can
be more effective at determining for ourselves, with God’s help,
the appropriateness of any particular sexual behavior.
Dealing with Sexual Differences
in Marriage
Determining appropriate behavior
for the intimate marital relationship may be likened to determining
what’s within the realm of keeping the Sabbath day holy. For some,
there’s no TV on the Sabbath, whereas others see nothing particularly
wrong with it. For others, there is always a special family dinner
with all the fixings. But, others plan meals requiring minimal
time and preparation. Everyone is different, and not necessarily
more right or wrong than another. Beyond what has been definitively
stated by God, such as, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” we are
left to determine for ourselves what’s okay and what isn’t.
Dealing with sexual differences may
not be much different than dealing with any other differences
in marriage. One spouse may want a new car; the other thinks what
they have is fine. You think it’s his turn to do the dishes; he
thinks it’s your turn, because he just mowed the lawn. You may
see a sexual issue in black and white, or as wrong versus right,
while he or she doesn’t see it that way. Whether your differences
involve sexual issues or other aspects of marriage, you must be
careful not to let differences become stumbling blocks in your
marriage. Working through sexual differences is part of the polishing
process and divine stewardship of marriage.
Differences are a normal part of
marriage. How we deal with them, especially when not necessarily
right or wrong issues but just differing preferences, is key to
building a strong marriage. Understanding that our spouse’s preferred
behaviors have just as much claim to being right or important,
as our preferences do, can help us see beyond our own limited
and self-centered view of life and reality. Husbands and wives
need to counsel together in a spirit of love to negotiate boundaries
when differences arise.
Only within the personal and private
context of a husband/wife relationship can couples assess the
complexities of their individual personalities and circumstances
to determine what is most fitting for them. Inevitably, what is
acceptable to one couple will not be acceptable to another, making
it very difficult for any one-size-fits-all statements regarding
marital sexuality. No one but God can account for our personalities,
boundaries, inhibitions, past experiences, etc. These issues must
be worked out between husband and wife and God.
Part of the continuing complexity
of determining what’s okay in marriage is the fact that every
spouse has differing ideas, beliefs and desires regarding marital
intimacy. The number and degree of differences between spouses
can be enormous, while comfort levels, personal boundaries, as
well as the type and style of stimulation preferred vary greatly.
Looking at the number and significance
of basic sexual differences between men and women almost guarantees
a completely different fundamental perspective between men and
women, adding complexity to the question of what’s okay in marriage.
For one example, women tend to see sexual relations as an extension
of emotional intimacy, whereas men tend to see sex as primarily
physical. Even something as simple as whether to have sex with
the lights on or off can be a question of what’s okay or what
isn’t for some women. Just because we each see things differently,
doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s just different.
Although there are standard sexual
response patterns in men and women, the expression of sexual responsiveness
varies widely among individuals. What is pleasurable to one person
may not be to another. And feelings and preferences can change
over the years, as couples become more knowledgeable sexually,
more comfortable with each other, and as they change physically
and emotionally.
Over time different issues and life
challenges may also arise, such as physical disabilities, periods
of stress or illness, or pregnancy and childbearing, each affecting
sexual response and desire, which in turn can affect what we see
as appropriate in our intimate relationship. Allowing for variety
and adaptation in how couples interact sexually makes it possible
for them to change as needed to meet “the infinite variety of
life.”
How to Distinguish Between Godly
and Sinful Behavior in the Sexual Relationship of Marriage
To determine what’s okay for their
own marriage, couples must start from a place of acknowledging
and accepting each other’s differing realities and perceptions,
in order to work out normal conflicting interests, since most
of these fall into the category of two different “acceptable”
choices. Identifying differences that seem to be in a morally
right or wrong category gets more difficult.
Distinguishing between godly behaviors
and sinful behaviors in the sexual relationship requires so much
more determination, thought and effort that it is easy to see
why many couples still want someone to just make these decisions
for them. But, the need for couples to grapple with these delicate
issues creates an opportunity to learn and grow in vital ways
that might not have otherwise occurred.
I have identified two main factors
that affect the ability of a husband and wife to determine what’s
appropriate in their intimate relationship, especially when they
have competing opinions that at least one sees as moral in nature.
These two factors are: (1) the degree to which one is worthy,
ready and able to receive divine direction; and (2) the degree
to which negative thoughts, beliefs, and conditioning affect one’s
perceptions of right and wrong.
As shown below in the “Measures to
Consider” diagram, a husband and wife each fall somewhere on the
continuum between being spiritually in tune, or not, and being
appropriately uninhibited, or not. These two measures must both
be considered in order to correctly determine whether something
is okay or not in the intimate relationship.
On a scale of 1-10 (1 being not
in tune, and 10 being very in tune and able to receive
God’s guidance) how would you rate yourself? How would you rate
your spouse? Here’s the second question. On a scale of 1-10 (1
being very inhibited, and 10 being very uninhibited) how
would you rate yourself? How would you rate your spouse? These
subjective measures are difficult discrepancies to deal with in
marriage.
These dilemmas identify the need
for both husband and wife to understand the factors of sexual
conditioning and the need to be spiritually in tune. Both spouses
need to do some honest self-evaluation about where they each fall
on the two scales. There is a significant need for removal of
negative sexual conditioning that leads us to a foundational belief
that sex is something shameful or dirty in general. We also have
a need to be more in tune, and more confidently capable of receiving
divine direction.
One man expressed
his frustration with this marital predicament by wondering aloud,
“Are there, by chance, two Holy Ghosts out there — one that the
women seem to get their promptings from, and one that the guys
seem to get their answers from?” For some women, who tend to be
more inhibited by negative sexual conditioning, their internalized
negative beliefs seem to be able to speak louder than the Holy
Ghost at times. But to be fair, some men tend to be more motivated
by their sexual desires, which also seem to be able to speak louder
than the Holy Ghost at times.
Understanding
negative sexual conditioning. Negative thoughts and beliefs
we accumulate about sex create distorted perceptions and illusions
about sexual intimacy that we may incorrectly see as reality.
We internalize this conditioning, which manifests itself in varying
degrees among both men and women, though women seem to absorb
it more easily. These negative core beliefs can affect one’s perceptions
of right and wrong.
It’s not enough
to believe you are spiritually in tune. You must also be self-aware
enough to understand your internal programming about sex, and
correct any incorrect beliefs you may have. Without understanding
these two factors in yourself, following your instincts, or what
you believe to be the Spirit, may not be correct.
Understanding divine guidance.
The issue of being spiritually in tune is also a complex, delicate
matter. Personal revelation involves preparation, knowledge, righteousness,
and a well-developed sense of God, in order to be able to hear
and heed the whisperings of the Spirit. Spiritual guidance is
best based not solely on one’s personal promptings, but also on
scripture and prophetic counsel.
From the illustration below, spiritual
guidance may be likened to a three-legged stool where each entity
must be strong and sure, working in harmony, or the stool will
fall. A solid foundation in the standard works of the Gospel (or
ancient scripture) along with the words of living prophets (or
latter-day scripture) provides the insurance that helps us determine
if our personal promptings are truly of God. Becoming fluent in
the language of the Spirit is necessary to have spiritual self-confidence
regarding our personal promptings, especially when it comes to
questions regarding sexuality where the opposing voices are loud
and imposing.
Distinguishing between sexual
inhibitions caused by negative conditioning, and inhibitions prompted
by the Spirit of God, is no easy task. Couples must consider the
possibility of negative sexual conditioning, as well as how spiritually
in tune they are when determining what’s okay and what isn’t in
their intimate relationship.
Let’s take one example. Let’s say
a husband wants his wife to participate in a particular behavior,
but she feels uncomfortable with it, and considers her feelings
to be a spiritual indication that the behavior is wrong. It is
possible that the husband is not in tune spiritually, and sees
nothing wrong with a behavior that is nevertheless not in keeping
with God’s design for sexual relations in marriage. But, it is
also possible that the wife is unaware of her underlying negative
conditioning that causes her to believe the behavior is sinful
when it is not. As the husband grows spiritually, he may come
to see that the behavior he previously desired was not appropriate.
As the wife overcomes her inhibitions, the sexual activities she
previously felt were sinful can now be seen as perfectly acceptable
within the loving and intimate relationship of marriage.
If one spouse seems to have an overwhelming
desire for a particular behavior to the point that it is causing
difficulties in the relationship, then the desire for the sexual
behavior may be out of balance with the spirit of mutual respect
in relationship. If the emotional climate and communication between
the couple has become strained or hostile, then the spirit of
the relationship has been offended, indicating an unhealthy attempt
toward one’s sexual fulfillment. The spirit of contention is a
definite killer of intimate closeness and enjoyment.
Though there is no clearly defined
list of do’s and don’ts, the Lord has not left couples alone on
the important issues of intimacy in marriage. Couples can
counsel with the Lord in all their doings — even in the
area of sexual relations — and He will direct them for good (See
Alma 37:37). The Lord knows every couple, and is intimately aware
of their lives and circumstances. He can lead each couple to the
right counsel for them. He can direct them to certain books or
information, or put earthly angels in their path in the form of
friends, family or professionals to guide them to light and truth.
I have been humbled and inspired
to watch the process that some couples have undertaken to determine
for themselves what is appropriate in their marriage. Some have
shared with me their spiritual wrestlings on the sensitive subject
of marital intimacy. Their serious desire for divine guidance
on this delicate subject has evoked much prayer, pondering, fasting,
temple attendance, probing discussions, and a significant search
for light and knowledge on the subject.
I’ve seen the struggles and the triumphs
— the feelings of hopelessness, as well as the windows of light.
I have seen the spiritual blessings of seeking the Lord directly
for answers to our intimate questions not only in my own life,
but also in the lives of others. One wife shared the following
regarding her and her husband’s search for intimate truths:
The Lord
expects husbands and wives to develop spiritual self-reliance,
and to work together using wisdom to govern themselves. We must
also be careful not to condemn or judge our spouse, or others,
based upon our personal interpretation or perceptions of right
and wrong. We must work together as husband and wife, with the
help of the Lord, to determine what will enhance and strengthen
our intimate relationships.
But what if our spiritual reception
is not that great? One husband stated, “You ask if we need a handbook?
Yes!!! Why? Because there is such a glut of information
in the world, and frankly my connection with God is not such that
I get the perfect reception you seem to suggest.”
So what are our options? It
seems that we have two choices. We can work to improve our spiritual
connection and reception to get our own answers directly from
the Lord, or we can wait around hoping someone will pick up the
job of bedroom police or permission giver. Though my heart goes
out to all those who would just like this whole subject to be
easier to deal with, I don’t think we dare wait around for someone
else to figure things out and tell us what to do. They may do
some of the difficult work for us, but we miss out on the needed
blessings of strengthening ourselves spiritually.
It makes me think of the horrible
calamities people have recently suffered in the hurricanes. Those
who were not prepared to rely upon their own resources, had to
wait around for help, and often found themselves wading through
and even drowning in the toxic floodwaters. Spiritual self-reliance
may be likened to the vehicle that can get you out of the way
before the hurricane even hits. Spiritual self-reliance is the
ability to receive direct information and guidance from the Lord,
and to heed it.
Spiritual self-reliance is
as vital today as ever, if not more so. Even though I understand
the effort required to develop our spiritual senses, I suspect
that may be part of the divine wisdom in not providing a Law-of-Moses-type
handbook for couples to blindly follow regarding intimacy in marriage.
We are instead required to develop our own spiritual muscles,
allowing us to be better prepared, and more capable to team up
with the Lord in these latter-days.
Identifying Negative Beliefs
and Developing Spiritual Sensitivity
Although we might acknowledge
that both negative sexual conditioning and one’s spiritual sensitivity
are factors in correctly determining what’s appropriate in the
intimate relationship, knowing what to do about these issues is
more challenging. Identifying unnecessary inhibitions, or a need
for greater spiritual sensitivity is necessary to overcome conflicting
differences between husband and wife. Once the issues are identified,
the inhibitions or negative conditioning must be overcome and
the spiritual sensitivity increased.
There are many ways to recognize
and overcome inappropriate inhibitions. Some suggestions include
spending time pondering and writing everything you can about what
you think and feel about sex, and what your experiences and learning
have been regarding it. Removing unproductive and incorrect beliefs
that have caused unnecessary inhibitions can help clear the way
for divine counsel to be received more faithfully on complex marital
issues.
To determine how
you can tell the difference between appropriate sexual relations
and inappropriate behavior, or to know when psychological barriers
are involved in the relationship, consider the following suggestions:
1 — Develop
a personal testimony of the sanctity of sexual relations in marriage.
Reacquaint yourself with affirming scriptures and statements regarding
sexual intimacy to internalize God’s approval of the sanctity
of sexual relations in marriage. You must be able to start on
a firm foundation of knowing the goodness and divinity of the
gift of sex to a husband and wife within marriage. (See the Meridian
Magazine article, “What the Scriptures Teach about Physical Intimacy
in Marriage” http://www.meridianmagazine.com/familyconnections/040217intimacy.html.)
In addition to
nourishing your mind with positive statements from scripture and
church leaders, compile a list of your negative or unproductive
beliefs, and then choose new beliefs to reprogram in their place.
It’s as if you are pulling up a weed and planting a flower in
its place. This can help create a new blueprint in your mind about
sex, changing the blanket of shame, guilt and embarrassment so
many people have accumulated regarding this subject.
2 — Discuss
each other’s needs and desires. As husband and wife,
spend time to fully discuss each other’s needs, desires, and perspectives
on any issues of concern. Be sure you both listen patiently, calmly,
and respectfully until each of you feels heard and understood.
Though each one’s perspective may be different than the other’s,
each needs to feel acknowledged and accepted in their perception
of reality. The following questions may be helpful as you discuss
any disputed sexual activity.
3 — Seek divine guidance.
Couples will always be better served in overcoming conflicting
desires if they will seek divine help through prayer, pondering
and with faith that God will answer them. God will answer prayers
regarding the intimate relationship. By maintaining a softened
heart, while discussing and praying about any question or issue
a couple may have, husband and wife can be in a better position
to receive divine instruction. Couples can be prompted regarding
whether they are dealing with inappropriate inhibitions, destructive
desires, or simple discrepancies in preference, and what they
can do about it.
The Lord can guide us to know when
an activity is genuinely wrong, and bless us with a lessening
desire for it. He can also help us know when resistance to a behavior
is due to an unnecessary inhibition, and guide us to overcome
that. God can change hearts. The Lord is the best resource to
guide couples in distinguishing between genuinely sinful behavior
and inappropriate inhibitions caused by negative conditioning
or past traumatic experiences. Keep in mind that the Lord sometimes
answers our prayers through others, whether it is through friends
and family, or ecclesiastical and professional help.
4 — Increase your ability to
hear and heed divine direction. Sincerely and humbly desiring
correct counsel can help us prepare our hearts and minds to receive
that counsel. Referring to the three-part foundation for spiritual
guidance illustrated above, both spouses need to increase their
understanding of the language of the Spirit through intensive
study of the scriptures and the counsel of living prophets, such
as General Conference reports in the Ensign magazine.
With a solid foundation in scriptural
knowledge and prophetic counsel one must then develop the ability
to identify divine communication. Having a softened and humble
heart is prerequisite to receiving the counsel of the Lord, knowing
that it comes in the Lord’s own time and way. I have found that
most divine counsel comes in the form of impressions, promptings
or insights through the medium of distinct thoughts and feelings.
I like to carry a notebook with me to record any promptings or
impressions that I receive. Over time you develop greater experience
with how the Lord communicates with you and what it feels like,
until you have a confident surety in your spiritual connection
to the Lord.
If you are versed in the language
and spirit of ancient and modern scripture you should be able
to reconcile any promptings you receive as communication coming
from God. I have seen many people experience direct divine guidance
regarding their intimate relationship, and have experienced such
myself. I know it’s possible for any of us.
Certainly, determining what’s okay
and what isn’t in the intimate marital relationship is not an
easy task, especially with the multitude of differing desires
and preferences between husbands and wives. If we will take the
opportunity to seek God’s perspective on these delicate matters,
we can be blessed with greater spiritual wisdom and insight to
keep us and those we love out of the toxic floodwaters that surround
us.
~~~~~
(See Chapters 1, 2 and 7 of “And
They Were Not Ashamed – Strengthening Marriage through Sexual
Fulfillment” for more information about overcoming inhibitions.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, is a marriage
and family life educator certified by the National Council on
Family Relations, and is the author of a groundbreaking book on
physical intimacy and marital ONEness entitled, And They Were
Not Ashamed – Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.
Laura also publishes an electronic newsletter entitled, “Straight
Talk about Strengthening Marriage.” For more information visit
www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
Laura welcomes your comments at Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com.
