These
are some of the comments that illustrate common complaints
from women who would like to be more "into" intimacy
with their husbands, but just don't feel like they are ever
in the mood, or that they even have the capacity to be in
the mood. While these feelings especially afflict wives,
some husbands experience low sexual desire as well.
Feeling
amorous and sexy is a state of mind that many women must
learn to nurture. For many, sex begins in the mind. It is
a mental decision (though often subconscious) that initially
permits them to engage in lovemaking rather than it being
an automatic reaction to some kind of visual or sexual stimuli.
Understanding this intimate mental wiring in women is vital
for them to develop a more amorous state of mind.
One
of the big sexual differences between husbands and wives
is that women often need some warm-up to mentally and emotionally
prepare themselves for lovemaking before their body can
respond. This is why we often hear the assertion that sex
begins at breakfast. (For most women sex actually begins
the moment the previous lovemaking experience ends.) But
women don’t have to wait until the opportunity presents
itself to begin to warm up to the idea of intimacy with
their husbands.
Women
can be proactive in developing their sexuality by generating
sexual thoughts and feelings in preparation for intimate
occasions. Feeding her mind with intimate, romantic thoughts
about her husband, and letting those emotions begin to stir
her heart can help a woman feel more sexy and amorous as
a person. Feelings follow thought, not the other way around.
Sometimes
hearing a song on the radio or seeing a handsome person
can cause a flicker of romantic thoughts toward one’s spouse
that if welcomed and encouraged can provide fuel to the
potential desire that awaits. When watching a romantic movie
where intimate emotions are stirred, women can learn to
mentally catalog that feeling for recall at another time.
The
counsel so often given to control or inhibit sexual thoughts
and feelings may be helpful for men, who often struggle
with controlling their sexuality, but is often counterproductive
for many women, who often struggle to awaken and free their
sexuality. Each individual needs to identify his or her
challenges regarding sex, and take the necessary steps to
overcome their weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
One
of the common roadblocks to awakening one’s amorous desires
is the incorrect belief that sex is universally “questionable,”
or is somehow unrighteous and wrong. We all need to know
that sexuality is good and of God. Grounded in this worthy
belief, women can then welcome sexual thoughts and feelings
toward their spouse, as they seek to cultivate a state of
mental arousal or readiness for expressing their intimate
feelings of love and admiration.
If
sex begins at breakfast, then not only do men need to be
aware of that fact, but women also can take advantage of
their opportunity throughout the day to notice, awaken,
savor and nourish desire for their spouse. Women can create
these passionate feelings rather than sit around waiting
for them to magically appear. Loving one’s spouse thus becomes
a priority of time and effort, rather than something we
wish we felt.
One
wife shared the following development in her and her husband’s
sexual relationship. She said:
Another
help in awakening one’s desire for his or her spouse is
accepting the divinity of their innate sexuality. Particularly
within religious communities, female sexuality, even within
marriage, is rarely endorsed or celebrated. Thus it is not
surprising that few women have awakened and developed their
sexuality to the degree God has intended, and to the degree
that a successful and fulfilling marriage requires.
It’s
not like there are classes for wives on how to be sexy,
nor are parents very helpful in preparing their young adults
to embrace their sexuality within marriage. The media may
portray plenty of examples of superficial sexuality, but
it lacks the grounded understanding of the goodness of sexuality
and of sexual desire expressed only within the ordained
bounds of marriage.
Accepting
one’s sexuality as ordained of God is crucial, in order
to embrace sexual thoughts and emotions as good and wholesome.
Feeling sexy toward one’s spouse must be seen as wonderfully
good and something to be nourished, rather than as something
to be ashamed of.
Feeling
sexy comes from within. Sexuality has more to do with the
relationship you have with your self than even the relationship
you have with your spouse. Feeling amorous or sexy, as a
person, is the kind of feeling that says “I like who I am,
and I’m happy to share it with you.”
Feeling
genuinely sexy means you like and accept yourself — complete
with flaws and imperfections. It doesn’t matter your size,
shape or looks. Personal development is more important than
one’s appearance in creating truly meaningful and passionate
sex. Dr. David Schnarch often states, “Cellulite and sexual
potential are highly correlated” (Schnarch, Passionate
Marriage, 78). Liking yourself is your best aphrodisiac!
Allowing
yourself to feel sexy from the inside out is no small feat.
But it’s not about losing weight or changing your hair or
getting new clothes. Those things can be helpful, but those
things alone won’t cut it! Many picture perfect people struggle
with sexual desire. One’s looks are no guarantee that they
feel sexy. It’s about reprogramming how you think
and feel about yourself, and how you think and feel about
sex.
Anyone
can feel sexy and amorous toward their spouse if they decide
they want to. We know that successful people aren’t necessarily
the smartest, best looking or luckiest people. They are
the ones who decide they want something, and go for it until
they get it. Developing sexual desire toward your spouse
is no different. It’s a decision you can make and cultivate.
Changing
yourself on the inside is a more permanent kind of sexy
that doesn’t depend on others. You already like yourself,
so you are not so affected by others’ opinions. When you
are secure within yourself, you are also less needy of your
spouse’s approval and attention, which makes you less affected
by their moods or anxieties. This allows you to bring to
the relationship a solid self rather than a shaky or reactionary
self.
Changing
the way we see sexual desire can also make it easier for
many to feel sexy. Sexual desire is commonly viewed as an
animalistic hormonal drive for the act of sex itself, as
a means of relieving tensions, or obtaining sexual pleasure.
While this is part of human sexual motivation it comes from
the part of the brain where the most basic level of human
function originates (see Schnarch, Passionate Marriage,
132-137).
Through
personal and mental development we can access our agency,
which is an advanced function of the brain’s executive decision-making
abilities, and cultivate our intimate desires rather than
be victim of our hormones. Human sexual potential is so
much greater than a base instinct to “have sex.” We have
the capacity to mature sexually and experience sex as more
meaningful, personal and intimate with a deeper and richer
intent.
We
can learn to feel sexy because we want to want our spouse,
not just because we want to want sex. This mental
switch from a behavior to a person can change
the nature of sexual desire. It’s about being amorous toward
your spouse not just ready for sex. This shift in thinking
can help enliven one’s sexual feelings, allowing amorous
desire for one’s spouse to be the focus. When the object
of our desire is our spouse rather than a behavior, it is
easier to keep the flicker of desire lit — ready to ignite
when the moment is right.
Being
in the mood or feeling sexy as a person, is not something
one has to wait around hoping to someday feel. It is something
they can choose to cultivate. This was the experience of
one woman who overcame her thoughts and feelings that were
inhibiting her intimate desires for her husband. She wrote,
“I'm learning how to control my thoughts, and instead of
thinking, "I'm not in the mood," I can decide
to improve my relationship with my husband by showing him
how much I love and desire him.
Learning
to accept one’s sexuality, as well as accepting sex itself
as wholesome within marriage, and of God is necessary for
all husbands and wives. Those who struggle with low sexual
desire can learn to be more attentive to and cultivate their
sexual thoughts and feelings, creating an awakening of one’s
God-given sexuality. Sexual desire and expression is vital
in any marriage. It can bless your life in so many ways,
and help build the kind of marriage that one would want
throughout eternity.
Notes
Schnarch,
David. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy
Alive in Committed Relationships. New York: Henry Holt
and Company, 1997.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura
M. Brotherson, CFLE, is a marriage and family life educator
certified by the National Council on Family Relations, and
is the author of a groundbreaking book on physical intimacy
and marital ONEness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed
– Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.
For more information visit www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
Laura welcomes your comments at Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com.
