1) Saving sex for marriage indicates trustworthiness. Trust is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. To be trusted
is an honor bestowed when correct choices are made over a
period of time. Reserving sexual expression for marriage demonstrates
a significant degree of trustworthiness. If you can be trusted
to save sex for marriage, then you can be trusted with almost
anything!
Trust
is the antidote to "relationship insecurity." If
you have succumbed to sexual temptation outside of marriage,
it plants the question in the mind that maybe it could happen
again with someone else. Having made good choices in the past
is a strong indicator of future marital fidelity. It's not
that trust is impossible after yielding to sexual enticements,
but withstanding sexual temptation keeps cracks from forming
in the marital foundation.
2) Saving sex for marriage provides a profound sense
of accomplishment. Those who save sex for marriage may share something
in common with those who run a marathon, or who climb Mount
Everest — a huge feeling of accomplishment. The enduring satisfaction
of having accomplished something difficult, often in the face
of great adversity, provides a solid foundation for the soul,
and a continuing reservoir of genuine contentment and confidence.
The
quick thrill of succumbing to a sexual experience pales in
comparison to the permanent thrill of overcoming great odds
to maintain sexually purity for marriage. A profound sense
of accomplishment can also come from starting over, at any
point, to remain sexually pure until marriage.
3) Saving sex for marriage builds confidence and self-respect. Withstanding the pressures to engage in premarital
sexual activity bolsters one’s confidence — especially knowing
that such an accomplishment can be difficult. The personal
thrill of succeeding at something that many say can’t be done
adds strength to one’s confidence and abilities. Confidence
in self provides a quiet strength and assurance against the
winds of adversity that attempt to blow us over.
Respecting
oneself, and others, enough to wait to engage in sexual relations
only within marriage also builds self-respect. To respect
oneself means to appreciate, to esteem highly, to love. As
teens face life’s challenges with resolute determination to
save the gift of sexual intimacy for marriage, they develop
greater respect for themselves. Self-respect is thus a cause
and a result of remaining sexually abstinent before marriage.
4) Saving sex for marriage avoids emotional turmoil
and heartache. Sharing sexual intimacies outside of marriage inevitably
invites emotional unrest and heartache. Anyone who has ever
been used for a night of momentary pleasure knows the emotional
pain associated with such indulgences. Deception, regret,
and self‑disgust often accompany the experience of inappropriately
sharing sexual intimacies with another. Peace of heart and
mind is the rich reward of saving sex for marriage.
5) Saving sex for marriage avoids regret.
Nearly eight out of ten girls and six out of ten boys regret
their premarital sexual activity — and wish they had waited. [1] One young woman told
her mother that she thought the relationship with her boyfriend
was “the real thing,” so she agreed to have sex with him.
But she soon learned that he was not the “real thing” and
wished she had not given away that intimate gift. Young adults
continue to incorrectly believe that each new and exciting
relationship is “the real thing,” only to be deceived and
disappointed yet again.
6) Saving sex for marriage develops self‑discipline. Every exercise of sexual restraint builds character
and discipline of mind and body. Developing ever-greater degrees
of self-discipline provides freedom from, and power against
overwhelming appetites, passions and addictions, and lays
the foundation for future fulfillment within the intimate
relationship between husband and wife.
One
father told his young adult son that while self‑discipline
was important before marriage, it was even more important
after marriage. Given the intricacies of sexual fulfillment
and the challenges that many couples face, I would agree that
self‑discipline — mental, emotional and physical — is
vital for anyone to develop in order to have a successful
and satisfying marital relationship.
7) Saving sex for marriage shows maturity.
Maturity is the ability to understand the consequences of
our actions, and to show a pattern of making wise choices.
Saving sex for marriage shows wisdom in keeping one's self
away from compromising situations — away from the fire — knowing
that there will come a perfect time and place for fully experiencing
the intimate passion of the act of marriage.
Keeping
one's self from sexual indiscretion is not only an indicator
of self‑discipline and maturity, but also helps keep
a proper focus in life. Getting caught up in boyfriends/girlfriends
is fleeting in nature, and can eclipse the enduring value
of educating minds, and developing talents and skills.
8) Saving sex for marriage provides physical and emotional
safety — from STDs and unwanted pregnancy.
So-called “safe sex” before marriage is a myth. Sexually transmitted
diseases and unwanted pregnancy are real dangers. Saving sex
for marriage is the best course of action to keep oneself
free of the physical and emotional consequences of premarital
sexual activity. Condoms do nothing to protect one from the
psychological ravages of sex outside the bonds of marriage.
Freedom from worry about these potent pitfalls is worth saving
sexual intimacy for marriage.
9) Saving sex for marriage decreases depression and
suicide, and increases overall happiness. Sexually
active teenagers are significantly more likely to be depressed
and to attempt suicide than are those who wait. [2] The psychological (mental/emotional)
consequences of premarital sexual activity are often ignored,
but studies show that greater happiness and peace is possible
for those who save sexual expression for marriage.
10) Saving sex for marriage reduces divorce.
If you want to reduce your chance of divorce, remain sexually
abstinent until married. Studies clearly show that those who
remain virgins until marriage have a much lower incidence
of divorce. [3] This is likely related to the trust
and commitment shown by saving sexual intimacy for your husband
or wife.
How Parents Can Help Teens Save Sex for Marriage
What
can parents do to help teens understand the profound advantages
of saving sex for marriage, and help their teens commit themselves
to do so?
1)
Believe it’s possible and expect that your teens will.
Many people, including parents, believe that young people
are simply not capable of waiting to have sex until marriage.
This is not true. Many young people can and do
wait until marriage to engage in sexual intimacies. Parents
must first believe it is possible for teens to wait — and
that their kids will. If parents don’t really believe it’s
possible, then neither will their children.
Many
parents wish their kids would wait, but are not confident
that they will — either based on their own experiences or
the well-advertised perception that “everyone’s doing it.”
Everyone isn’t doing it! And many youth do wait. Just as youth
are expected to wait until they are a certain age to receive
a driver's license, they too can save sexual expression for
a certain time and place within marriage.
Teens
intuitively know whether their parents think it’s possible
to withstand the pressures to have sex, and will often prove
us right (for good or for ill). Handing out a condom does
little to instill confidence that teens can and will wait.
Parental beliefs and expectations become a self-fulfilling
prophecy regarding teenage sexual activity. Parents must believe
sex is something worth waiting for, if they want to be effective
at convincing their children as well.
2)
Talk to your kids about sex. Open and honest conversations about sex are vital to
helping your teens save sex for marriage. Conversations need
to go beyond physical consequences to include emotional consequences
as well as reasons to wait. Kids whose parents are willing
to talk to them about sex are less likely to engage in premarital
sex.
Parents
are still the most influential factor in teens’ decisions
about sex.
[4] Parents have a responsibility to make popular
that which is good by openly encouraging youth to wait. Teens
need to know what you think about sex before marriage, and
need to feel your confidence that they can wait!
Parents
may think their kids already know what they think about sex,
but studies show that parents’ messages may not be getting
through. [5]
Parents need to be very clear that they believe
youth can withstand the pressure to engage in sexual
activity, and are fully expected to do so! Parents also need
to be there during the critical teen years with lots of love
and support — coupled with the recurring message that they
can and should wait.
Teach
your kids that sex is a wedding gift reserved for husband
and wife after marriage. Teach the advantages of waiting.
Help your kids gain the edge by facilitating their decision
to save sex for marriage. Studies show that adolescents who
make “virginity pledges” are less likely to engage in any
form of sexual activity. [6] Parents can help teens make these important decisions.
3)
Meet teens’ needs for love and acceptance.
How strongly teens feel connected to their parents and loved
by them is not only key to teens being receptive to their
parents’ counsel, but is also key to their saving sex for
marriage. Teens that feel loved and accepted in the home are
less susceptible to sexual temptations outside the home.
Spending
time together — especially one-on-one — and having regular,
positive conversations about their lives help teens feel connected
and willing to obey parental counsel.
4)
Help teens keep familiarity in check.
Good parenting is a time and energy-intensive job! Parents
must stay close enough to their teens to be able to help them
keep opposite-sex familiarity in check. Getting too close
to a member of the opposite sex is similar to the emotional
intimacy husbands and wives develop, which can lead them into
sexual intimacy. Keeping relationships at a friendship level
until young adults are ready for marriage will help them stay
off the slippery slope that can inadvertently lead to inappropriate
sexual intimacies before marriage.
God's
wedding gift is just that — a gift for husband and wife to
enjoy within the divinely designed relationship of marriage.
Youth whose needs for love are sufficiently met within the
home, and who are taught about sex as something special to
be saved for marriage can most definitely succeed at saving
sexual expression for marriage.
Those
who have saved sex for its exclusive enjoyment within marriage,
or who have, at some point, changed their ways to reserve
sex for marriage know of the profound sense of accomplishment,
the self-confidence, self-respect, self-discipline and trust,
as well as the emotional peace, and physical protection that
can be their rich rewards. Those who save sex for marriage
can also be absolutely sure that sex within marriage will
be the best they’ve ever had!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura
M. Brotherson, CFLE, is a marriage and family life educator
certified by the National Council on Family Relations, and
is the author of a groundbreaking book on physical intimacy
and marital ONEness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed
– Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. For
more information visit www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
Laura welcomes your comments at Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com
Notes
