“Don’t Forget the Honeymoon!”
By
Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE
After
15 years of marriage, Mandy still recalls her honeymoon
with some frustration and resentment. The wedding day was
beautiful and perfectly planned, but the honeymoon was nothing
like the fantasy she had created in her mind. She recalled
the abundant advice that was given about the wedding day—the
dress, the engagement ring and choosing a photographer—but
was unprepared for the honeymoon experience.
With
intimacy issues as one of the primary causes of divorce
and dissatisfaction in marriage, couples must prepare for
the honeymoon and the intimate aspects of marriage, just
as they prepare for the wedding day.
A
positive, mutually enjoyable honeymoon experience builds
a strong foundation for the marital relationship. A negative
experience can sow seeds of dissatisfaction and disaffection
that may fester for many years—especially since couples
are often hesitant to discuss this delicate subject openly
and honestly.
Couples
need to understand that education, understanding
each other’s expectations, as well as time and
experience will be needed to create a mutually fulfilling
intimate relationship.
Education
Getting
educated about physical intimacy is an important aspect
of preparing for marriage. Unfortunately few parents provide
the kind of teaching, prior to marriage, which is necessary
for their children to be sufficiently prepared for success
in marriage. Most books on the intimate aspects of marriage
are either too much or too little. Young adults approaching
the honeymoon are usually lucky to get a few tips from friends
or older siblings. Otherwise they’re on their own.
The
following books may be helpful to prepare couples for the
honeymoon as well as the intimate dimensions of marriage:
- And
They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual
Fulfillment (LDS), 2004, by Laura M. Brotherson,
CFLE (I couldn’t find a book that I felt was sufficiently
helpful for LDS couples, so I wrote one!);
- The
Act of Marriage
(Christian), 1998, by Tim and Beverly LaHaye
- Intended
for Pleasure (Christian),
1997 by Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gaye Wheat.
Expectations
Every
bride and groom has his or her own picture of what the honeymoon
will be like. Unfortunately, neither spouse is usually aware
of the other’s expectations. The sexual differences of men
and women are such that what comes naturally will not likely
be very satisfying for both. One example is that women need
emotional intimacy and connection in order to prepare their
mind and body for physical intimacy, whereas men are ready
to go at a moment’s notice. It may be helpful for couples
to find a way to share their mental picture of the honeymoon,
so that they can be aware of each other’s expectations.
Couples might consider writing a letter to each other, describing
their ideal honeymoon experience. They could share these
letters on their wedding day, or they might consider going
to a public place, like a restaurant, to discuss the upcoming
experience. This delicate discussion can alleviate some
of the anxiety that may exist.
Time & Experience
In
biblical times newlywed husbands were released from all
military and business responsibilities for a whole year
(see Deuteronomy 24:5), presumably so that couples could
get to "know" each other (see Moses 5:2) and learn
how to become "one flesh" (see Matthew 19:5).
While most honeymoons don’t last that long, understanding
that it will take some time and effort for husband and wife
to get to know each other intimately, can help alleviate
honeymoon anxiety, and create a positive experience for
couples to look forward to, as they embark upon the adventure
of learning to meet each other’s needs for intimacy.
Couples
can avoid much heartache and the potential honeymoon pitfalls
by spending time not only preparing for the wedding day,
but also for the honeymoon. This can be done by getting
educated, understanding each other’s expectations, and realizing
that time and experience will be needed to build a strong
intimate relationship in marriage.
Laura
M. Brotherson is a marriage and
family life educator (CFLE) certified by the National Council
on Family Relations (NCFR), and is the author of a groundbreaking
new book on sexual intimacy and marital ONEness
entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed – Strengthening Marriage
through Sexual Fulfillment. For more information visit http://www.StrengtheningMarriage.com
. Laura welcomes your comments at Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com
.
