I
do know that when I get really tired depression also sets in
more. You want to try and get your sleep and sufficient rest.
One
of the other things that happens with depression is that you
will find yourself wasting time in some way or another. It
may be just sitting and playing computer games for hour after
hour. You do things just to escape. You find different escape
mechanisms. Of course, then you feel guilty about those things
because they are non-productive as far as use of time goes.
You think to yourself that I “should have” done this or I “should
have” done that. That is part of the language of depression—I
“should” this or I “should” that. I should, should, should,
should, should. That is always a judgmental state because if
you don’t do it when you should do it, then you’ve failed.
You try to change that language and thinking to “I can.”
Have
you found anything that is a trigger for depression in your
experience?
Sometimes
when there is just too much going on around me or things get
too hectic. Too many people around, too many people talking,
too many people wanting you to do things—that is an easy trigger.
How
did depression affect your life in other ways?
It
probably affected me in not doing some things as well as I could
have done. The depression would affect me so much that I wouldn’t
want to do things, like studying for school. You want to lose
yourself in doing other things that are not challenging at all.
I spent a lot of time playing ping-pong. I got really good
at it in college. But that was an escape mechanism again.
I could go and do it and do it well. I could see the results
as I played.
I
think in part, too, that the idea of winning all the time became
an issue. I always wanted to win. I always wanted to be the
best. I didn’t want to be second fiddle to anybody. There
was that going on and it’s totally unrealistic because there’s
always somebody better than you are at something. It leaves
you with a desire to own something that nobody else has, or
do something that nobody else has ever done, or beat the competition
in everything.
The
danger of that is that it can get to be obsessive. As a result,
when it gets to be obsessive then you can spend a lot of time
doing things that simply aren’t productive and that will not
produce happiness. I wanted to play basketball in the worst
way in the world. I went out for the basketball team in junior
high. I was probably the smallest boy in the entire junior
high and I still went out for basketball. You tend to overlook
things that are probably weaknesses or limitations, and you
think that you should be able to do these things and when you
cannot accomplish them then you feel that you don’t measure
up. You think that you can be the smartest astrophysicist in
the world, but if you can’t do math then no matter how hard
you try you will not be able to do it. You are always looking
for the place that you can be unique.
We
are all unique in a sense, but in this sense everybody is common.
We are all children of our Heavenly Father. We are all mortal.
We all make mistakes. We all have limitations. In my case,
I tried to think that wasn’t true and there shouldn’t be limitations.
Then when you’re not asked to do something that you view as
important and that somehow indicates your worth, then you feel
that you have failed.
For
example, I was a district leader in the mission training center
but that was the only position of leadership I held during my
missionary service. During the rest of my mission I was a junior
companion and a senior companion. That was all. So, I always
felt like there was something wrong with me that I hadn’t been
made a leader. They had missionaries as branch presidents,
district leaders, and zone leaders, but I was never asked to
do any of that and so that automatically meant in my mind that
there was something seriously flawed in my makeup. Depression
makes you see anything like that as a personal defect. I felt
that I wasn’t worthy enough or I didn’t work hard enough. I
wasn’t good enough.
I
remember one of the training sessions I went to as a stake president
with other stake presidents, mission presidents, and the General
Authorities. We were talking about this problem with depression
among missionaries. They pointed out that sometimes these missionaries
make the best missionaries because they want to make sure that
they obey the rules, they want to work hard, they want to be
the best, and they want to show the world that they’re worthy.
They don’t tend to boast and brag about themselves because they
don’t see themselves as good. But they also tend to struggle
emotionally.
I
think one of the other main symptoms is just having deep, deep
feelings that it would be nice if Heavenly Father would just
obliterate you or send you off into oblivion. A feeling that
you could be gone and not have to think about anything any more.
A feeling that you wonder why you can’t just be gone. Just
be gone. Period. Nothing to think about any more. Nothing
to work hard on any more. Just to have it all go away.
As
a Latter-day Saint, when you think about living up to God’s
standards or reaching toward godhood that can seem daunting
and challenging. So, you don’t want to do any of that. You
don’t want to go to hell, but you don’t want to have to do these
other things either. It puts you in a quandary. Sometimes
there is a feeling that you just want everybody to forget about
you and you just want to be gone.
I’ve
also been treated for anxiety. The symptoms of that are easier
to spot. Symptoms of anxiety are pretty specific. For example,
if somebody says to me that they are going to drive out of town
for the day, such as my wife or a child, then the thoughts immediately
run for me to a situation whether they are either kidnapped
or murdered or get in a terrible accident or something terrible
that will happen to them. If you get on a plane, you may think
that it’s likely to crash and kill everybody. But you also
may not care if it’s yourself, because if the plane did crash
and everybody died, including me, then that’s okay because you
wanted to die anyway. If you get a little ache or pain, then
all of a sudden you worry that you’ve got Parkinson’s disease.
The worst part of it is that your mind is always rushing to
such scenarios.
I
have heard people say that they don’t have to think about anything
sometimes. That is impossible for me to do. My thoughts are
always going and they go to the worst scenario. I can’t think
stop thinking about something.
That
is called “catastrophizing”—you tend to always think about the
worst situation.
Are
there other ways that it affects your thinking or acting?
One
tendency I have is just to sit and think constantly about things.
I don’t know that it has to do with depression. But there is
the tendency to just sit and go through scenarios and ruminate.
That can be useful as I sit and think about how I’m going to
paint a picture or build a train set or arrange the garden.
I sit and those things are constantly running through my mind.
I asked my wife if she can just sit and not think about anything,
just let her mind go idle, and she said, “Sure.” Well, I cannot.
The one blessing that is for me is that it tends toward creativity.
That is probably one reason why so many people who have struggled
with such things have been great artists or other creative achievers.
It’s
not uncommon at all for people who have undergone mental or
emotional struggles to also be highly creative, highly intelligent,
or highly accomplished in many areas.
I’m
accomplished in my field. I’m the vice-chair of the North Dakota
Health Council that oversees all the health rules and regulations.
I’ve been the chair for two years in a row of the Minnesota
Chamber of Environmental Policy Committee. I’ve been the chair
of the Upper Midwest section of the Air and Waste Management
Association. I like to paint. I write poetry. I enjoy astronomy.
I try all kinds of things.
It’s
important to know that you can be accomplished and still experience
this type of thing. I think that’s something people need to
understand.
What
do you think is important for others to understand about depression?
I
think one of the biggest things you need to understand is that
it’s not going to go away, at least for many individuals. Even
with medication and talk therapy, it’s not just going to disappear.
It’s going to remain a challenge. With assistance from things
like talk therapy or medication you can get through it better.
That is because the thoughts of depression don’t come as much
as they used to, in part for me because of the serotonin reuptake
inhibitors I take and the anti-anxiety medication I take in
the evening. I can tell when that medication kicks in because
there a calming effect. But I have to listen to what I’m thinking
to see if it’s making sense.
I
still have a hard time accepting the fact that I might be good
at anything. People will tell me that I’ve done something positive
for them and it’s hard for me to believe. It’s hard for me
to believe almost anything good that somebody has to say about
me. I’ve gotten more gracious about it and express appreciation.
But I have to force myself to think and accept the idea that
maybe I have done some things that helped people.
I
can look back at some of my experiences in different Church
positions and see a lot of good things that I’ve done. It’s
just hard to believe it. It’s factual and it’s before you but
accepting it is a challenge.
Depression
runs in my family and so it’s likely that there’s a biological
link as well in my case. People need to think about that possibility.
Everyone
will have the depression that comes and goes in life. We know
that. Bad things can happen to people and they will get depressed.
We know about post-partum depression and things like that which
are more event-related. But for some of us, it is something
that has probably been there for most of our lives.
For
me, it probably started clear back in grade school. I used
to be really self-conscious about my hairy arms. Even as a
second grader, I would always wear long sleeves no matter how
hot it was because I didn’t want anybody to see and think that
I had hairy arms. That’s not normal. It’s symptomatic of anxiety.
It just got worse as I got older.
I
think that recognizing the fact that you have depression is
important. Not to dwell on the past, as Elder Scott has advised,
is extremely important, because we can become so self-absorbed
in trying to figure out why we are this way and the world can
go by. Typically, humans will find somebody else to blame.
So, you can find too much time trying to find somebody else
to blame for your depression. You can spend too much time just
thinking about yourself. I know I did this. Those are not
particularly healthy and helpful things to do in getting through
depression. You may have to encounter some of the past to understand
it but you should not be obsessed with it.
I
am analytical and so I like to find out all the details of why
this or that happened. I do it in my job. I have a science
background. But it’s not that helpful. It’s more helpful to
realize that you do have this challenge of depression in your
life, that you can do something about it, and that you do need
to find the right people to help you. That is far more important.
For
a couple of years, I was very self-absorbed with all of this
and trying to figure it out. It was not healthy for the family.
Then you can start to focus on “me, me, me.” If you feel like
you’ve been deprived of something in your childhood, then you
want to make up for it all at once. So it can easily turn into
“I want, I want, I want.” You may feel that you deserve it
because you were denied.
How
did the depression affect your family?
I
think that particularly before I realized what it was, I probably
would get angry too quickly. I didn’t hit my children but I
might yell at them too much. I was on edge all of the time.
Irritable. Sometimes they felt like they had to walk on eggshells
around me.
We had a great family life. We did a lot of good things together.
We went camping; we had a tradition of playing games every Sunday
night. When the kids were young, we’d get up every morning
and sing a hymn and memorize a scripture and have breakfast
together. We had family home evenings regularly. So, we were
doing a lot of the right things. But I think that sometimes
things would start to feel overwhelming for me and then, Boom!,
I’d say that I couldn’t deal with it or couldn’t take it any
more and I’d tell them to stop this or that or go to their rooms
or whatever. So, I think that’s how it affected family life.
It probably affected them in not understanding what was going
on or why I was doing something.
I
made it a point never to call my children names, never to swear
at them, and never to hit or spank them. I had once lightly
swatted one of my children when he had a sore on his behind,
just playing around, and it really hurt him. I felt that if
you could hurt a child like that just playing and goofing off,
then you never ever wanted to strike a child in anger. So I
never did.
My
wife and I have not argued and fought over things. We’ve disagreed
about things. We had one incident shortly after we were first
married when we both got mad at each other. She slammed the
one door and went out that way and I slammed the other door
and went out that way. We both walked around a bit and cooled
down and both decided it wasn’t worth our eternal future to
argue and fight like that. So we never did again. That was
the only real blow-up or argument we ever had.
One
of the things that can occur with depression is that it’s hard
to feel close to people. To feel emotionally close to people.
You tend to keep your distance. You put up that wall to keep
from getting hurt.
My
wife has handled financial matters in our family for many years.
We realized that it would be difficult for me to sit down with
financial issues at home and work through them without feeling
really depressed or anxious.
What
specifically has been helpful to you in dealing with depression?
I
think that just recognizing that it’s not going to just go away
helps you. It’s helpful because if you think that there’s going
to be a magic wand somewhere that’s going to take it away from
you, then you will spend all of your time looking for that.
But if you say, “No, this is a situation like diabetes or arthritis
or any other illness, and I will have to learn how to manage
it the best I can,” then you are free to begin dealing with
it directly.
Let’s
just take the example of glasses and eyesight. You and I both
know that no matter what is done with glasses or contact lenses,
our eyesight is just not going to be perfect. Even with those
on it helps us a lot, but it’s not perfect. I wear trifocals
and they are a great help and a blessing. But they also make
it hard sometimes because you need your head to be in the right
position to see things or read or be on the computer. You learn
how to point your head and keep your glasses up where they belong.
That’s kind of how it is with depression. You will have things
there all the time and they may challenge you, and once in a
while you will slip a little bit and it will get worse, but
you need to step up again and recognize the tools you have learned
to help you with it and just use those tools. Obviously, there
are many tools that help.
You
have to be a little bit careful when you are talking to people
about this. Obeying the commandments, of course, helps a person.
It helps everybody. You get the blessings for obeying the commandments.
But when you tell that to a depressed person, if they mess up
just a little bit then they think that all the bad things happening
around them are their own fault. So, you have to approach that
carefully. But it does help.
Saying
your prayers is helpful. A depressed person, though, needs
to remember that saying your prayers is a “help” and it’s not
a “fix.” I remember when I used to pray and think that I should
have a tremendous experience and if it didn’t happen, then I
felt that obviously I wasn’t living the commandments and doing
what I needed to do. So, you have to learn to balance the benefits
you receive from gospel living with the reality that you will
still have feelings of depression. That can sometimes be tricky.
You
need to understand the gospel. You need to learn about it.
You need to listen to the prophet. There is sometimes a real
challenge to learn and understand the doctrine and to keep things
truly in perspective.
You
can listen to others and sometimes visit with a church leader
or talk to them. Get their feedback occasionally if you feel
like you are not measuring up. Sometimes they can just be encouraging
and let you know that you are doing fine. You do not go in
to see them and have them solve your problem with depression,
because a bishop or other church leader is not your medical
counselor. They are a help and they are priesthood leaders.
There is a difference. A counselor or medical professional
is someone you hire to help you, more or less, but a church
leader can be a sounding board and a support. Counseling with
professional counselors can be very helpful.
Another
thing that has specifically been helpful is working with somebody
that could get the right medication for my situation. It can
take a good year or a year and a half to get things where they
ought to be. These medications take a while to take effect,
and you have to sometimes adjust dosage levels and different
medications to get what works the best for you.
Can
you talk a little about medication and the possible need for
it in such a situation?
I
have very strong thoughts about that. First of all, people
who say that our faith should be able to cure us just simply
don’t understand the gospel properly. I know that might create
a lot of controversy. But anybody who says, “If you had enough
faith, then you should be able to get over this,” is first of
all being extremely judgmental of the person. They have no
business judging another person for the medications that they
decide to take. It is not their right or their purview. They
are out of line. They do not understand. They have never been
there themselves. It is not even a judgment that a bishop or
a stake president can make for that individual. It is strictly
between that individual and Heavenly Father.
By
the same token, someone who suggests that faith alone would
cure depression would probably never think about having a diabetic
not have insulin with them or not take their insulin as they
are supposed to do. They would not even think of doing that.
They know that death could follow if someone quit taking their
insulin if they have the type of diabetes that requires a regular
insulin treatment. So, why would they think that because somebody
wants to take a medication for mental health that it’s wrong,
but for someone who has diabetes it is right? There is just
no logic in that.
The
scriptures tell us a couple of things. In Doctrine and Covenants
8 and 9, Oliver Cowdery wants to translate the plates. He was
told that the reason he could not translate is that he did not
finish what he had started and he “took no thought [unto himself,”
or in other words, he did not work the problem out as best he
could on his own. It was only after Joseph Smith went through
such a process that he was able to translate the plates. He
had to think about it, ponder about it, pray about it, and put
a lot of work into translating. It did not just come to him
automatically. The same is true when we are struggling with
any challenge in our lives, whether it be health difficulties
or spiritual concerns or other things. The Lord expects a certain
amount of effort from us before He steps and does for us what
we cannot do for ourselves. That is the key. He comes in and
helps us to do those things that we cannot do for ourselves.
As
Nephi explained, it is “after all we can do” that His grace
is sufficient for us (see 2 Nephi 25:23). So, if we expect
to have blessings because of our faith then we need to put in
some effort, and I believe part of that effort is learning what
kind of medicine or medical options are available to assist
us. That might include glasses, hearing aids, medication, etc.
A lot of individuals who might criticize for someone taking
medication to help them with mental or emotional challenges
are probably wearing glasses. So, why can’t they have their
eyes fixed through faith? If you had that kind of faith, it
would make sense to have your eyes fixed. But we know it is
now possible to be assisted with your eyes if you desire through
laser surgery or other options. With mental health, the aids
available may include medication or other kinds of therapies.
We
should never put ourselves in a self-righteous attitude that
we get to judge somebody who does use medication. Our faith
helps us because we can go to the Lord and seek His assistance
and support. We know that trials are given to us. The recent
issue of the Ensign magazine talked about it. We learn from
our trials. We shouldn’t look upon having depression or diabetes
or something else as unfair. We should look at it as something
that perhaps the Lord allows us to go through and learn to cope
with so that we can be like Him someday. It is part of the
tutoring experience, as Elder Maxwell often mentions. We know
what he went through with his leukemia. He admits that was
a great tutoring experience. He had written many books about
such a thing and didn’t realize that at some point in time he
was going to experience that very adversity himself.
Look
at what Joseph Smith went through and experienced. Look at
what the Savior himself went through. He completed his perfection
when he completed the Atonement and the Resurrection. He lived
a perfect life but full perfection came after all that He had
to do to finish the work of God.
Can
you talk a little about counseling and its potential use in
depression?
Well,
there are some excellent books that you can read. I particularly
recommend the “workbook” type of books where you actually have
to do exercises. It is hard work. But those help you to go
through exercises that assist you in beginning to recognize
patterns of thought and how to deal with those. Sometimes you
just have to stop yourself.
I
heard a counselor friend once talking to somebody who was going
through depression and she would often say, “Now just a minute,
that’s your depression talking.” That is helpful sometimes
to recognize. You catch your thoughts and realize, “That is
the depression talking, that’s not really me.”
There
was another example in the movie A Beautiful Mind. I
believe he had paranoid schizophrenia. Towards the end of his
life when he was getting back into a normal life, he made the
comment that it hadn’t gone away. He would still see images
and hear other voices or thoughts. But he stated that he “quit
listening to them.” That is one thing you need to constantly
work on. You have to not listen to these thoughts that, if
you stop and think about them for just a minute are not logical
or productive or positive at all. You have to choose not to
think those thoughts or not to listen to them if they occur.
Those
thoughts still come. They will still pop into your head. But
over the years I have learned to listen to them less and less.
I don’t expect to ever be able to get rid of those thoughts
completely, but I do know that I can deal with them more effectively.
I can not listen to them and I can stop myself and take a minute
to think logically.
Are
there other things that have been helpful to you?
I
began to see some patterns a few years ago regarding when I
would become depressed. For example, in the wintertime I would
always start to talk about moving. My wife could tell you that
almost every winter I would talk about finding a job or moving
and going to another place. I started to see that those patterns
of negativism or anxiety would come on more strongly as the
days were getting shorter. I even notice now that when we have
a long string of cloudy days without sunshine I can feel down.
So, I bought what they call a sun box, a lamp with bright light
that helps me to some degree. It helps sometimes even on a
cloudy day to go outside and walk around and change scenery.
Remind yourself that it’s the season or the time of year. You
can learn to recognize the patterns.
Repeating
a favorite poem or a scripture in your mind or a hymn can help.
Just start doing something different than what you are currently
doing so you can break the train of thought that is starting
forward in your mind.
Go
visit somebody or talk to someone for a few minutes. That helps
to break the cycle. You don’t talk to them about your depression,
but just talk to them and say hello and visit with them.
One
goal I have every day is to try and make everybody smile that
I see during the day. That is helpful. It gives me something
to think about as I encounter people. You can say something
to make a person smile and make their day a touch better.
What
do you recommend to others?
The
first thing that I would recommend to anybody who thinks they
might have depression is to go and find out if they do. Go
and talk to a competent professional that can help them determine
if they have real depression or not. Then they could be helped
with a regime of talk therapy or medical therapy if needed.
That is the best thing you can do.
I
think the next best thing you can do after that is not be ashamed
about it. I don’t talk to a lot of people about the fact that
I have depression. But I let my boss know, for example, someone
who might see me working and have association with me in my
work. I don’t intend to use it as an excuse, but sometimes
it can help them to understand that maybe you need some help
if things are getting overwhelming or out of hand. Of course,
you should let your family know that this is something you’re
dealing with and can use support.
Another
thing is simply to decide that you’re going to work on it.
You’re going to work through it. You’re not going to try to
get around it, but you’ll work through it. When you try to
get around it and find the magic bullet that will kill it for
you, it’s just not going to happen. It just won’t happen.
Anyone who has a challenge like this simply needs to learn to
do their best and try not to let it interfere if possible.
We have a choice. We’re not always going to be successful in
that choice, but we have a choice to decide whether this is
going to ruin our lives or not.
Do
not be too hard on yourself. As you work through it, it is
going to take patience. It is going to take time. It is going
to take effort. It is going to take help from people close
to you.
How
did the depression affect you spiritually? What spiritual practices
were helpful? When were they helpful and when were they not
helpful?
Well,
in some ways it affected me in a positive manner because I wanted
to feel the Spirit of the Lord and I wanted to feel the Lord’s
approval. In a positive vein, that was probably good. It probably
spurred me on to read the scriptures more and to seek more answers
through the scriptures and the writings of the prophets. In
a sense, I tried to find out what I needed to do in order to
be better. Although it spurred me on toward perfection, in
a sense I became a perfectionist and that is not healthy because
you can never do enough to measure up or be good enough.
One
of the challenges with depression spiritually is that it was
hard to accept feelings of forgiveness or the fact that you
were worthy to do anything. So, those feelings tend to interrupt
or get in the way of spiritual progression. In some ways it
is kind of a double-edged sword.
Reading
the scriptures a lot, praying sincerely, doing your best to
live the commandments—those things all helped. More often than
not they were helpful. I always managed to say my prayers morning
and evening. I managed to develop a real good habit of studying
the scriptures, reading good books, and memorizing scriptures.
When we lived in South Dakota I used to walk back and forth
to work and memorized a scripture every day. And of course,
going to the temple is a great spiritual and emotional boost
because you can feel the peace that comes from that setting.
I
worked very close to the temple in Salt Lake City and for two
or three years I would go to the temple once a week. That was
a great boost to me. That tended to be a calming influence.
Occasionally, though, if I made a mistake I would feel not worthy
to go and then that would be a miserable experience, even though
I did nothing serious.
It
has been difficult to understand how God could really love me
and really accept me, considering all of the mistakes I’ve made
in my life. I am working through that understanding and those
feelings. When I say that this has been a lifelong journey,
I’m saying that even now I’m beginning to understand some of
these issues and work through them in a better way.
A
thought that constantly goes on is that if only I could help
another person or fulfill a calling perfectly then that would
mean I’m okay. It is a futile exercise. It’s a frustrating
exercise. It can deepen depression rather than help it if you
go down that road. Even when you are trying to be perfect you
will falter, and so you reinforce negative thoughts about yourself.
So, you cannot look at doing such things as a “cure” for depression.
Can
you talk about serving in the Church in leadership positions
and giving spiritual guidance while also having experienced
depression?
Even
though you know that you are often being inspired of the Lord,
at times you will doubt it. The depression will send questions
into your mind. There is always that self-doubt that seems
to hang on to you, at least for me.
But
there are a couple of things that the Lord gives us when we
are serving him in positions in the Church. First, in a position
like bishop or stake president you have counselors and others
to help you. They are a great source of help and strength so
you don’t have to feel like you’re out there doing it on your
own. You have people to help you. There are others and they
can give advice. If you need help they can help you out.
I
also have a firm witness, and there is no doubt in my mind,
that the Lord has never let me down when something important
is to be done. No matter how unworthy I may have considered
myself due to feelings of depression, when there is something
critical and important to be done the Lord has never let me
down. He never let me down as a bishop. He never let me down
as a stake president. That doesn’t mean I always did everything
just right, but those things that were critical and really important
He just didn’t let me down. As President Monson has often said,
“He whom the Lord calls, the Lord qualifies.” I’ve got a firm
witness and belief in that. He just doesn’t let us fail or
abandon us.
What
can others do to be helpful to loved ones who struggle with
depression?
First,
do not be judgmental. We read about how the Pharisees asked
the Savior about the tower that fell down and people were killed,
and the Savior basically said, “Accidents happen” (see Luke
13:1-5). He taught in a sense that if they thought God loved
those people less than He loved them, then they were wrong.
So, don’t be judgmental. We don’t know the full answers as
to why people get diabetes or arthritis or cancer or depression.
There are a lot of things we don’t know. Just because someone
has a mental illness does not mean that they or their parents
have sinned, any more than the blind man that was near to the
Savior had sinned. His disciples asked, “Master, who did sin,
this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (see John
9:2). The Savior told them, “Neither hath this man sinned,
nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest
in him” (see John 9:3). So, do not judge.
Second,
do not treat them differently than you would treat anyone else.
Don’t be extra-solicitous of them and don’t walk on eggshells
around them. Treat them like you would treat anybody else.
Anybody with any kind of limitation just wants to be treated
like anybody else. When we see blind people, there is this
strange human tendency to walk up to them and talk louder because
they are blind. We act differently. It’s not particularly
helpful.
Now,
someone who is close to the person, such as a spouse or others,
can be helpful in watching for signs of depression or withdrawal.
They can ask what is happening and point things out. Sometimes
it can be so subtle for the person experiencing depression that
they don’t notice the change that is starting to take place
or that has occurred. Whereas, a close friend or a spouse can
mention that they’ve seen signs of withdrawal or depression
and bring it to their attention.
Oftentimes,
we do people a disservice because we think of ourselves. An
example is that sometimes we’ll see somebody in church with
their collar askew or a mis-buttoned shirt, and we don’t go
up and assist them with fixing it because we are more worried
about being embarrassed ourselves than we are worried about
their embarrassment throughout the day. When they finally get
home and see that their shirt has been mis-buttoned all day,
that’s not a good feeling! Somebody probably noticed it and
didn’t say anything because they were thinking more of themselves,
but we don’t do people favors when we do that.
Do
not focus on telling someone who is struggling what they need
to do to fix it. You will hear people say, “Just pull yourself
up by your bootstraps” or “Read this book.” Do this or do that.
They are well-intentioned but those things aren’t always particularly
helpful. Don’t tell them how to fix it. If they would like
your help in that regard, let them ask for it.
I
think sometimes there has to be an intervention if someone doesn’t
recognize what is going on with them. You may need to point
out that a person is being more short-tempered with children
or withdrawing from the family or spending a lot of time alone.
Obviously, if someone is threatening suicide then we intervene
immediately. Then you can work on it together and deal with
the situation.
What
have you done to help others with depression?
A
lot of that has been done in counseling sessions with others
as a stake president. Understand what they are going through
and don’t downplay what is happening. Be understanding and
patient. Try to be a good listener. Just listen to people.
Then ask them if they want help, because help that is not wanted
isn’t usually received.
If
you want to help people, particularly if you haven’t had depression,
get a good gook and read up on it. Read some things about what
spouses can do or what friends can do. You can go in and talk
to a counselor and get some advice on how to be helpful. Ask
a priesthood leader how you can be helpful. So, you can develop
the tools to be helpful to others.
We’re
entering an era that is different than any other era. This
is truly my own personal opinion, but I think one of the symptoms
of the era that we live in is depression. There is a lot expected
of us in this era. There are a lot of challenges. The world
is different. People are a lot more open about it and willing
to admit feelings of depression today. It used to be kept kind
of secret.
What
challenges do you see regarding depression particularly within
the LDS community?
I
mentioned earlier the misperception that people think a person
can just pull themselves up by reading, praying, and obeying.
I still think there’s a huge misunderstanding about that in
the Church among the lay population. The Brethren have a good
understanding of the issue, but there are too many who say that
if you were living a little better or having a little more faith
then this would not be an issue. That is a challenge.
I
do think that more and more of the membership of the Church
is beginning to understand the issue for what it is and they
have compassion. By and large, the majority of the members
of the Church will have compassion. It is just exceptions in
those other cases.
Do
you have any closing thoughts?
It’s
helpful to know that the Savior has done what He has done for
us. It can be hard to understand why He would do what He did
for us and the full impact of what it means in our lives. I
have found some things to be helpful in that regard.
Once
I went through the scriptures and decided to find every positive
statement made about God or the Savior toward us as children
here on the earth. They were statements such as, “I will lift
you up as on eagles’ wings” or similar statements. I just looked
for those positive things as opposed to the punishments that
come upon the wicked. It was a very, very helpful experience.
Also,
recording in journals or notebooks the feelings that we have
as we read the scriptures in that context. It’s important for
people with depression, as they think about the Savior and feel
good feelings, to write those feelings down at times so you
can go back and look at them. You need to remember how it felt.
We
each need to try and understand that the Savior knows each one
of us by name. His Atonement wasn’t a great mass burden in
the atoning process, but it was a very individual thing that
allowed Him to suffer for each of us. Somehow He was allowed
to see our lives in absolute detail and suffer exactly as we
suffer as an individual. It wasn’t just a great grand suffering
for all humanity as a mass, it was great suffering for humanity
as individuals. It is helpful to remember that and to remind
ourselves that He knows us by name.
Conclusion
I hope that this personal look into the life, thoughts, and
experiences of one Latter-day Saint who has experienced and
dealt with depression will be helpful to some. I want to thank
Joel Smith for sharing his time and experiences in a personal
way. His experience may not be your experience. His thoughts
may not be your thoughts. But I hope that within his words and
thoughts you might also find many nuggets of insight and wisdom,
as I have done. Thank you, Joel, for sharing.
Please
feel free to respond or share any thoughts or feelings that
you wish to pass along. I always appreciate hearing from you.
(Sean
Brotherson is an Assistant Professor of Child Development
and Family Science at North Dakota State University in Fargo,
North Dakota. You can share any comments or feedback
with Sean Brotherson at brotherson@meridianmagazine.com
- look forward to hearing from you!).
