By Laura M. Brotherson
·
(PART I)
“Preparing Your Children for Intimacy in Marriage—Preparing
to Teach”
·
(PART
II) “Preparing Your Children for Intimacy in Marriage—What
to Teach”
·
(PART
III) “Preparing Your Children for Intimacy in Marriage—When
and How to Teach”
To obtain the full chapters on preparing your children
for intimacy in marriage you can purchase the book And
They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual
Fulfillment at http://www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
Parents’
Responsibility to Teach Their Children
Parents have the responsibility and opportunity to prepare
their children for lasting fulfillment in marriage by teaching
them the sacred and sanctifying nature of intimacy. God has
designated this sacred responsibility to parents saying, “I
have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth”
(Doctrine & Covenants 93:40). Parents have been commanded
to make “all things known unto their sons and
their daughters” (Moses 5:12). Intimacy in marriage is one of
the important topics that parents must not fail to teach.
Satan gains power over lives when the counsel to teach
light and truth goes unheeded. God has warned, “You have not
taught your children light and truth, according to the commandments;
and that wicked one hath power, as yet, over you, and this is
the cause of your affliction” (Doctrine & Covenants 93:42).
Parents must prepare themselves to present God’s perspective
on issues concerning the body and sexuality.
Secular sexual information can’t be avoided, so the
appropriate action is for parents to actively counter the world’s
view, not with negativity and fear, but with true doctrine and
a positive godly perspective. When parents don’t teach
their children correct principles, they create a vacuum for
others to fill. Friends, movies, magazines and music, which
rarely present God’s perspective on the sacred power of procreation,
often fill that void.
Attitudes
about sex, gender knowledge, and gender acceptance are contributing
to your children’s sex education nearly every day of their lives.
Lighting
the Way
A prophet of God has called upon parents to rise up
and take the lead in teaching and showing the way for children
and others to follow. President Harold B. Lee stated, "I
say to you Latter-day Saint mothers and fathers, if you will
rise to the responsibility of teaching your children in the
home . . . the day will soon be dawning when the whole world
will come to our doors and will say, 'Show us your way that
we may walk in your path'” (Harold B. Lee, Teachings of Presidents
of the Church, 149. See also Micah 4:1–2).
Parental
Barriers
You may encounter barriers that threaten to keep you
from fulfilling your divine calling to teach your children about
sexual intimacy and marriage. Some of the barriers you may encounter
are:
·
Embarrassment
·
Lack of personal
conviction regarding the sanctity of sex
·
Lack of knowledge
·
Fear that sexual
knowledge will lead to promiscuity
Teaching
our children light and truth—God’s plan and purpose for sexuality
and moral purity—provides power to avoid temptation. Christian
author and speaker Joe Beam agreed. He said:
By telling . . . the truth about God’s intent for sex
in marriage, we [don’t set them] up for temptation or sin or
anything but a wonderful marriage. . . . Besides, we know that
the forces of Satan work best in the dark, not in the light
[see John 3:19-20]. It’s the misguidance and misinformation
that teens get from each other or provocative TV shows and movies
that sets up temptation. The truth—the light—gives the power
to overcome those temptations (Joe Beam, Becoming One,
134–35).
Each of these parental barriers must be addressed so
that discussions about sexuality can have a positive focus and
be accompanied by a spirit of reverence and confidence. (Information
on overcoming such barriers is provided in And They Were
Not Ashamed.)
The truth—the light—gives the power to overcome . .
. temptations.
Parental
Preparation to Teach
The
suggestions shared below can help parents prepare to teach their
children light and truth regarding pre-marital sexual purity
and the sanctity of sexual fulfillment in marriage.
1.
Invite the Spirit
to guide as you prepare and as you teach.
2.
Gain a testimony
of the sanctity of sex within marriage and the importance of
teaching this to your children.
3.
Remove your negative
beliefs and inhibitions.
4.
Educate yourself.
5.
Have open and
healthy discussions about sex with your spouse.
6.
Role play discussions.
Why
Kids Indulge in Premarital Sexual Behavior
Knowledge of the underlying causes of sexual transgression
can help parents be more powerful in creating an environment
for effective sexual teaching. Kids know they’re not supposed
to engage in premarital sexual activities. They know about the
dangers of sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancy,
and parental or church discipline. So why do they do it? Agency
is part of the answer, but addressing the sources or contributing
factors of sexual transgression, rather than the surface symptoms
makes parental efforts much more effective. The following are
five areas to consider in understanding why youth may succumb
to sexual temptation:
1. Unmet Emotional Needs. When children feel unloved, unaccepted, or unimportant,
they are more susceptible to sexual temptations. Look for signs
of emotional emptiness and begin to better meet those needs.
If children’s needs for love, acceptance, and feeling valued
and important are met within the home, they will be less likely
to seek substitute love elsewhere.
If
children’s needs for love, acceptance, and feeling valued and
important are met within the home, they will be less likely
to seek substitute love elsewhere.
2. Rebellion. A contributing factor to sexual indulgence also related to unmet emotional
needs is rebellion. Though teens may not realize what they are
doing, when their emotional needs are not being met they seek
to fill those needs in ways that will hurt their parents—who
they see as neglecting their needs.
3. Touch Deprivation. In the
book And They Were Not Ashamed (Chapter 12) we discuss
the powerful universal need for physical touch. Many children
are touch deprived. Telling a touch-deprived adolescent not
to engage in sexual behavior may be like telling a hungry child
not to eat the cookies sitting out on the table.
4. Boredom and Unhealthy Habits. Particularly
during preadolescent years, children may discover pleasurable
feelings associated with parts of their bodies, and may engage
in these activities out of boredom or because they have developed
unhealthy habits.
5. Lack of Divine Understanding. Kids engage
in inappropriate sexual behaviors when they don’t have a deep
enough understanding of God’s divine purposes for sexual relations
in marriage. When youth have the power of light and truth behind
them and a positive understanding of why they should wait and
what the value or blessings are of waiting, they are able to
find greater desire and strength to resist temptations.
Strengthening the Foundation for Sexual Discussions
In
addition to the parental preparation discussed above, there
are substantive ways you can strengthen the personal foundation
upon which children can best receive your teachings and carry
them into their hearts. If there is a strained relationship
between you and your child, it will be more difficult to have
a positive experience together. The following are ways parents
can prepare for sexual discussions by strengthening their relationship
with each child:
1. Build Relationships. If children feel
loved and accepted, they will be more likely to receive your
teachings. Spend time and effort to build your relationship
with each child.
2. Give Loving Touch. There’s a healing
power in physical touch that communicates love and acceptance
in a way nothing else can. Feed your child’s need for loving
touch with lots of hand holding, hugs, kisses, or a comforting
hand on their shoulder.
3. Provide Positive Flooding. Flood your
children with encouragement. Look for the good in your children
and tell them regularly.
4. Spend One-on-one Time. Scheduling regular
one-on-one time not only prepares the relationship for more
important discussions, but also sends the message: “You are
important. You are worth my valuable time.”
5. Hold Personal Parent Interviews.
Personal parent interviews (PPIs) are another wonderful way
to build relationships. Show your children that you care by
asking probing and pertinent questions about their feelings
and their problems.
6. Learn to Love in Your Child’s Love Language.
Chapter 10 of the book, And They Were Not Ashamed, provides
information on learning to love in your spouse’s love language.
Each of your children also has an individual love language.
To be most effective in loving and building a relationship with
your child, you need to know exactly what makes him or her feel
loved and cared about.
7. Use the Intentional Dialogue Communication
Tool. Using the Intentional Dialogue to mirror,
validate, and empathize (as outlined in Chapter 10 of And
They Were Not Ashamed) during your discussions with your
children is another great way to provide a safe and open forum
for discussion.
If
children feel loved and accepted, they will be more likely to
receive your teachings.
The
Need for Positive Sex Education
Lack of sexual knowledge and understanding, coupled
with incorrect and negative beliefs not only put children at
risk in their youth, but can also cause unnecessary problems
within marriage. It isn’t just sex education that is needed,
but positive sex education. Dr. Brent Barlow, marriage
counselor and BYU professor asked:
Why does something so beautiful sometimes become a source
of so many problems? Part of the difficulty stems from mistaken
ideas. Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary
evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate
view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters
with their children or who were so concerned that their children
live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative
consequences of the improper use of intimacy (Brent Barlow,
“They Twain Shall Be One,” Ensign, Sep. 1986, 50).
Understanding the “Good Girl Syndrome” (see Chapter
1, And They Were Not Ashamed) with its unintended negative
conditioning will help to confirm the need for a more positive
approach to sex education. Positive teachings are a greater
long-term deterrent to sexual deviance than threats of “hellfire
and damnation.”
What
children need is a positive atmosphere and attitude surrounding
all aspects of sexual matters with a focus on the blessings
of premarital purity and the sanctity of post-marital sexual
relations. This creates the environment for sexual learning
to be an ongoing, edifying process. The goals of teaching children
and youth about sex should go beyond having our youth safely
married in the temple. We need to help them learn what it takes
to live “happily ever after.”
Respect
can replace recklessness as youth gain greater light and truth
regarding God’s promised power and the blessings that come from
reverencing sexuality and the body. Parents can experience special
parent/child bonding as they prepare and then teach their children
a godly perspective of sexuality, better preparing their children
for happiness and lasting fulfillment in marriage.
The
goals of teaching children and youth about sex should go beyond
having our youth safely married in the temple. We need to help
them learn what it takes to live “happily ever after.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(While this article does not provide all the necessary
details for teaching your children about intimacy in marriage,
we hope it will provide enough insight to encourage you to prepare.
A list of additional resources is listed at the end of Chapter
14 in the book, And They Were Not Ashamed.)
Laura M. Brotherson has a bachelor’s degree in Family
Science with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy from
Brigham Young University. She has recently written and published
a book on marital intimacy entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening
Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. For more information
about Laura’s book and to order, visit http://www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
You may email her at Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com.
