When Perfection is No Longer an Option

“All Happiness Depends on Your Ability to Adjust to Plan B.”

Not long ago a dear friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. They’d been married 25 years and had two kids in college.  Several of us rallied to console her, cry with her, and help her decide whether to leave him or forgive him.  Options were examined, righteous anger was vented, and my friend ended up in a swirl of confusion

Some months later they reconciled, and some months after that, she pulled me aside and said, “That Christmas card was what did it.  That thing you said about the Christmas card.”

All I had done was to point out a simple truth that so few of us want to accept when life throws us a curve, and it’s this:  Happily Ever After might not be on the table anymore.  When a spouse cheats, you can’t un-ring that bell.  But you can look honestly at the remaining options before you.  Do you really want to enter the dating pool again?  And even if you look fabulous, do you want a man your age with baggage and any number of grown children who might despise you?  Will you be trading one lump of troubles for another?  If you choose never to marry again, and just cling to your dignity—which no one could fault you for—will you be happy and fulfilled.

I had told my friend to look 10 years down the road.  Her husband (who was at least repentant), would find another wife, undoubtedly younger, perhaps one who wanted children, and they would start a darling new family.  “You’ll be visiting your grown daughter,” I said, “and there, among her Christmas cards will be one featuring your ex-husband, his new wife, their new kids, and your children.  Like one big, happy family.”  Her face had drained of color, as she realized this very real possibility.

“Or,” I said, “You could get to work on the relationship, and try to re-build the trust and love you once had.  You’re also the only two people who have watched your kids grow up, and you share a singular pride in them that no one else will ever duplicate.

Would she have a perfect, un-tarnished, dreamy life where no forgiveness is needed?  Nope.  But it might still be better than the other choice, to bitterly refuse Plan B and spend her life in loneliness.

Too many of us want perfection at all costs.  We’ve painted a future for ourselves and cannot cope when betrayals, illnesses, financial setbacks, or natural disasters rock our world.  We cry, we scream, we rail against the brick wall that has suddenly arisen in our pathway.  For some of us, it’s all or nothing—if we can’t have Perfect then we don’t want anything at all.

And that’s a sad choice.  But you see perfectionists like this all the time: Artists who never finish a painting because they can’t stand one tiny flaw in it, people who never entertain because they can’t do it with all the bells and whistles.  So they do nothing.  Women with messy houses who don’t even try because they know it can’t be perfect.  Folks who alternate between anger and depression because, like countless others, they had to sell a house they couldn’t afford in the first place.

I wrote an article years ago, urging women to become imperfectionists.  Deliberately relax your standards.  Eat the crooked cake.  Wear the old coat.  And you’ll find the world keeps spinning, your friends still love you, and all hell did not break loose

Our culture has a peculiar relationship with the word, “Perfect.”  Because Christ told us to “be ye therefore perfect,” the notion started that we had to be perfect in all areas immediately.  Short of this, we could never get to the Celestial Kingdom.  From there the rumor swirled further off track into the wild idea that women had to turn out perfect children, perfect quilts, perfect jars of jam--all in a row, gleaming-- and perfect houses.

One of my sons claims that sixty years ago women in the U.S. began taking Benzedrine and Dexadrine (originally developed to keep fighter pilots awake) by the thousands.  “That’s why everyone in the 50s was skinny and had clean houses,” he maintains.  And I actually remember thinking, “Hey!  I want to be skinny and have a clean house!

Flash forward as the concept grew (or diminished?) into what we find today:  Women addicted to exercise or plastic surgery so they can look perfect, women who must have perfectly scrapbooked lives, women whose kids are pushed into 80 activities a week to achieve heights beyond measure.  Short of this they are deeply depressed and confused about their value.

And it’s nuts.  First of all, perfection as it is spoken of scripturally, means “complete” and that means complete through Christ.  It means we all fall short, so we must repent and come unto him, and allow his atonement to make us clean.  Through Christ only, our flaws are swept away as we pledge our hearts to him.  It has nothing to do with hairdos, home accessories, photo albums, straight As or trophies.  And it’s not something any human being can attain through their own mortal efforts.  In short, these (mostly) women are trying literally to do the impossible, and earn their way to heaven without Christ’s help, doing it totally on their own.  Like I said, it’s nuts.  How can someone who is trying to get around God’s Plan ever be happy?  Yet that’s what they’re doing

That’s not to say I think good grooming, scrapbooking, or getting straight As is a waste of time.  It’s just that these pursuits are not supposed to morph into idols of worship.  And that’s what has happened to far too many perfectionists.

Some of these women apply this same demand for perfection to their marriages, and want their husbands to be instantly perfect as well.  They sand, they buff, they polish, they do everything but drive him into the arms of someone more accepting, and then they wonder why their husband is so sullen or angry.

In reading this over, my husband said, “What about men?  You haven’t said much about men having this problem.”  Well, to be honest, men don’t suffer from perfectionism as much as women do.  A recent study at Auburn University found that men “tend to be risk takers, so they accept that they may fall flat sometimes… Women , however, care more about what others think…”  And thus men are far more content with themselves than are women (and some would argue that many men think they’re already perfect!)   So, while there could be a rare man with this affliction, it’s mostly a Woman Thing.

Some women are furious that life has dealt them some hard blows while others seem to coast along in ease and luxury.  For those who cannot abide the fact that life happens and sometimes you get a raw deal, remember that fairness is a childish concept.  There is no magical fairy flying around and waving her wand to make sure everyone has the same amount of tragedy and trial, the same number of sprinkles on their cupcake.

You play the ball where it lies; you don’t throw a tantrum and go home.

  You look at what’s left on the table, and you make the best of Plan B.  Let’s use an analogy in honor of President Uchtdorf.  Imagine you’re an airplane pilot.  You’ve mapped a course and chosen your altitude.  But as you’re flying along, suddenly there’s a mountain you didn’t know about.  A pilot with any brains makes a course correction and navigates the new terrain, right?  Imagine stubbornly refusing to do that, and smacking into the side of the mountain because you can’t adapt to change!

Often, trials are huge and even tragic.  A period of grieving is required, especially with the loss of a loved one, through death or divorce.  But healthy people eventually look forward and move ahead.  Life is different, but still livable.

We embrace the fact that Christ makes up the difference and that it’s only through Him we can attain true completion.  We look at striving to do our personal best, and measure our intentions, instead of the results that often depend upon other people’s choices.  Especially with parenting, we have to remember to evaluate our efforts, not necessarily the results.

My friend is thriving in a refurbished marriage where both of them are trying harder than they ever have.  And she’s genuinely happy.  Does she wish the affair had never happened?  Of course.  But she’s adapting beautifully to Plan B, and finding there are other paths to joy and fulfillment when the perfection door has closed.

Cruise with Joni and her husband, Bob, to Spain, Italy, and France May 12-19, 2012.  Super low rates!  For more information, go to jonihilton.com. 

Joni Hilton has written 17 books, three award-winning plays, and is a frequent public speaker and a former TV talk show host. Her latest book, "Funeral Potatoes-- The Novel," has just been scheduled for publication by Covenant Communications. She is also the author of the "As the Ward Turns" series, "The Ten-Cow Wives' Club," and "The Power of Prayer." Hilton is a frequent writer for "Music & The Spoken Word," many national magazines, and can be reached at her website, jonihilton.com. She is married to TV personality Bob Hilton, is the mother of four, and currently serves as Relief Society President in her ward in northern California.

“All Happiness Depends on Your Ability to Adjust to Plan B.”

Not long ago a dear friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. They’d been married 25 years and had two kids in college.  Several of us rallied to console her, cry with her, and help her decide whether to leave him or forgive him.  Options were examined, righteous anger was vented, and my friend ended up in a swirl of confusion

Some months later they reconciled, and some months after that, she pulled me aside and said, “That Christmas card was what did it.  That thing you said about the Christmas card.”

All I had done was to point out a simple truth that so few of us want to accept when life throws us a curve, and it’s this:  Happily Ever After might not be on the table anymore.  When a spouse cheats, you can’t un-ring that bell.  But you can look honestly at the remaining options before you.  Do you really want to enter the dating pool again?  And even if you look fabulous, do you want a man your age with baggage and any number of grown children who might despise you?  Will you be trading one lump of troubles for another?  If you choose never to marry again, and just cling to your dignity—which no one could fault you for—will you be happy and fulfilled.

I had told my friend to look 10 years down the road.  Her husband (who was at least repentant), would find another wife, undoubtedly younger, perhaps one who wanted children, and they would start a darling new family.  “You’ll be visiting your grown daughter,” I said, “and there, among her Christmas cards will be one featuring your ex-husband, his new wife, their new kids, and your children.  Like one big, happy family.”  Her face had drained of color, as she realized this very real possibility.

“Or,” I said, “You could get to work on the relationship, and try to re-build the trust and love you once had.  You’re also the only two people who have watched your kids grow up, and you share a singular pride in them that no one else will ever duplicate.

Would she have a perfect, un-tarnished, dreamy life where no forgiveness is needed?  Nope.  But it might still be better than the other choice, to bitterly refuse Plan B and spend her life in loneliness.

Too many of us want perfection at all costs.  We’ve painted a future for ourselves and cannot cope when betrayals, illnesses, financial setbacks, or natural disasters rock our world.  We cry, we scream, we rail against the brick wall that has suddenly arisen in our pathway.  For some of us, it’s all or nothing—if we can’t have Perfect then we don’t want anything at all.

And that’s a sad choice.  But you see perfectionists like this all the time: Artists who never finish a painting because they can’t stand one tiny flaw in it, people who never entertain because they can’t do it with all the bells and whistles.  So they do nothing.  Women with messy houses who don’t even try because they know it can’t be perfect.  Folks who alternate between anger and depression because, like countless others, they had to sell a house they couldn’t afford in the first place.

I wrote an article years ago, urging women to become imperfectionists.  Deliberately relax your standards.  Eat the crooked cake.  Wear the old coat.  And you’ll find the world keeps spinning, your friends still love you, and all hell did not break loose

Our culture has a peculiar relationship with the word, “Perfect.”  Because Christ told us to “be ye therefore perfect,” the notion started that we had to be perfect in all areas immediately.  Short of this, we could never get to the Celestial Kingdom.  From there the rumor swirled further off track into the wild idea that women had to turn out perfect children, perfect quilts, perfect jars of jam--all in a row, gleaming-- and perfect houses.

One of my sons claims that sixty years ago women in the U.S. began taking Benzedrine and Dexadrine (originally developed to keep fighter pilots awake) by the thousands.  “That’s why everyone in the 50s was skinny and had clean houses,” he maintains.  And I actually remember thinking, “Hey!  I want to be skinny and have a clean house!

Flash forward as the concept grew (or diminished?) into what we find today:  Women addicted to exercise or plastic surgery so they can look perfect, women who must have perfectly scrapbooked lives, women whose kids are pushed into 80 activities a week to achieve heights beyond measure.  Short of this they are deeply depressed and confused about their value.

And it’s nuts.  First of all, perfection as it is spoken of scripturally, means “complete” and that means complete through Christ.  It means we all fall short, so we must repent and come unto him, and allow his atonement to make us clean.  Through Christ only, our flaws are swept away as we pledge our hearts to him.  It has nothing to do with hairdos, home accessories, photo albums, straight As or trophies.  And it’s not something any human being can attain through their own mortal efforts.  In short, these (mostly) women are trying literally to do the impossible, and earn their way to heaven without Christ’s help, doing it totally on their own.  Like I said, it’s nuts.  How can someone who is trying to get around God’s Plan ever be happy?  Yet that’s what they’re doing

That’s not to say I think good grooming, scrapbooking, or getting straight As is a waste of time.  It’s just that these pursuits are not supposed to morph into idols of worship.  And that’s what has happened to far too many perfectionists.

Some of these women apply this same demand for perfection to their marriages, and want their husbands to be instantly perfect as well.  They sand, they buff, they polish, they do everything but drive him into the arms of someone more accepting, and then they wonder why their husband is so sullen or angry.

In reading this over, my husband said, “What about men?  You haven’t said much about men having this problem.”  Well, to be honest, men don’t suffer from perfectionism as much as women do.  A recent study at Auburn University found that men “tend to be risk takers, so they accept that they may fall flat sometimes… Women , however, care more about what others think…”  And thus men are far more content with themselves than are women (and some would argue that many men think they’re already perfect!)   So, while there could be a rare man with this affliction, it’s mostly a Woman Thing.

Some women are furious that life has dealt them some hard blows while others seem to coast along in ease and luxury.  For those who cannot abide the fact that life happens and sometimes you get a raw deal, remember that fairness is a childish concept.  There is no magical fairy flying around and waving her wand to make sure everyone has the same amount of tragedy and trial, the same number of sprinkles on their cupcake.

You play the ball where it lies; you don’t throw a tantrum and go home.

  You look at what’s left on the table, and you make the best of Plan B.  Let’s use an analogy in honor of President Uchtdorf.  Imagine you’re an airplane pilot.  You’ve mapped a course and chosen your altitude.  But as you’re flying along, suddenly there’s a mountain you didn’t know about.  A pilot with any brains makes a course correction and navigates the new terrain, right?  Imagine stubbornly refusing to do that, and smacking into the side of the mountain because you can’t adapt to change!

Often, trials are huge and even tragic.  A period of grieving is required, especially with the loss of a loved one, through death or divorce.  But healthy people eventually look forward and move ahead.  Life is different, but still livable.

We embrace the fact that Christ makes up the difference and that it’s only through Him we can attain true completion.  We look at striving to do our personal best, and measure our intentions, instead of the results that often depend upon other people’s choices.  Especially with parenting, we have to remember to evaluate our efforts, not necessarily the results.

My friend is thriving in a refurbished marriage where both of them are trying harder than they ever have.  And she’s genuinely happy.  Does she wish the affair had never happened?  Of course.  But she’s adapting beautifully to Plan B, and finding there are other paths to joy and fulfillment when the perfection door has closed.

Cruise with Joni and her husband, Bob, to Spain, Italy, and France May 12-19, 2012.  Super low rates!  For more information, go to jonihilton.com. 

Joni Hilton has written 17 books, three award-winning plays, and is a frequent public speaker and a former TV talk show host. Her latest book, "Funeral Potatoes-- The Novel," has just been scheduled for publication by Covenant Communications. She is also the author of the "As the Ward Turns" series, "The Ten-Cow Wives' Club," and "The Power of Prayer." Hilton is a frequent writer for "Music & The Spoken Word," many national magazines, and can be reached at her website, jonihilton.com. She is married to TV personality Bob Hilton, is the mother of four, and currently serves as Relief Society President in her ward in northern California.

“All Happiness Depends on Your Ability to Adjust to Plan B.”

Not long ago a dear friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. They’d been married 25 years and had two kids in college.  Several of us rallied to console her, cry with her, and help her decide whether to leave him or forgive him.  Options were examined, righteous anger was vented, and my friend ended up in a swirl of confusion

Some months later they reconciled, and some months after that, she pulled me aside and said, “That Christmas card was what did it.  That thing you said about the Christmas card.”

All I had done was to point out a simple truth that so few of us want to accept when life throws us a curve, and it’s this:  Happily Ever After might not be on the table anymore.  When a spouse cheats, you can’t un-ring that bell.  But you can look honestly at the remaining options before you.  Do you really want to enter the dating pool again?  And even if you look fabulous, do you want a man your age with baggage and any number of grown children who might despise you?  Will you be trading one lump of troubles for another?  If you choose never to marry again, and just cling to your dignity—which no one could fault you for—will you be happy and fulfilled.

I had told my friend to look 10 years down the road.  Her husband (who was at least repentant), would find another wife, undoubtedly younger, perhaps one who wanted children, and they would start a darling new family.  “You’ll be visiting your grown daughter,” I said, “and there, among her Christmas cards will be one featuring your ex-husband, his new wife, their new kids, and your children.  Like one big, happy family.”  Her face had drained of color, as she realized this very real possibility.

“Or,” I said, “You could get to work on the relationship, and try to re-build the trust and love you once had.  You’re also the only two people who have watched your kids grow up, and you share a singular pride in them that no one else will ever duplicate.

Would she have a perfect, un-tarnished, dreamy life where no forgiveness is needed?  Nope.  But it might still be better than the other choice, to bitterly refuse Plan B and spend her life in loneliness.

Too many of us want perfection at all costs.  We’ve painted a future for ourselves and cannot cope when betrayals, illnesses, financial setbacks, or natural disasters rock our world.  We cry, we scream, we rail against the brick wall that has suddenly arisen in our pathway.  For some of us, it’s all or nothing—if we can’t have Perfect then we don’t want anything at all.

And that’s a sad choice.  But you see perfectionists like this all the time: Artists who never finish a painting because they can’t stand one tiny flaw in it, people who never entertain because they can’t do it with all the bells and whistles.  So they do nothing.  Women with messy houses who don’t even try because they know it can’t be perfect.  Folks who alternate between anger and depression because, like countless others, they had to sell a house they couldn’t afford in the first place.

I wrote an article years ago, urging women to become imperfectionists.  Deliberately relax your standards.  Eat the crooked cake.  Wear the old coat.  And you’ll find the world keeps spinning, your friends still love you, and all hell did not break loose

Our culture has a peculiar relationship with the word, “Perfect.”  Because Christ told us to “be ye therefore perfect,” the notion started that we had to be perfect in all areas immediately.  Short of this, we could never get to the Celestial Kingdom.  From there the rumor swirled further off track into the wild idea that women had to turn out perfect children, perfect quilts, perfect jars of jam--all in a row, gleaming-- and perfect houses.

One of my sons claims that sixty years ago women in the U.S. began taking Benzedrine and Dexadrine (originally developed to keep fighter pilots awake) by the thousands.  “That’s why everyone in the 50s was skinny and had clean houses,” he maintains.  And I actually remember thinking, “Hey!  I want to be skinny and have a clean house!

Flash forward as the concept grew (or diminished?) into what we find today:  Women addicted to exercise or plastic surgery so they can look perfect, women who must have perfectly scrapbooked lives, women whose kids are pushed into 80 activities a week to achieve heights beyond measure.  Short of this they are deeply depressed and confused about their value.

And it’s nuts.  First of all, perfection as it is spoken of scripturally, means “complete” and that means complete through Christ.  It means we all fall short, so we must repent and come unto him, and allow his atonement to make us clean.  Through Christ only, our flaws are swept away as we pledge our hearts to him.  It has nothing to do with hairdos, home accessories, photo albums, straight As or trophies.  And it’s not something any human being can attain through their own mortal efforts.  In short, these (mostly) women are trying literally to do the impossible, and earn their way to heaven without Christ’s help, doing it totally on their own.  Like I said, it’s nuts.  How can someone who is trying to get around God’s Plan ever be happy?  Yet that’s what they’re doing

That’s not to say I think good grooming, scrapbooking, or getting straight As is a waste of time.  It’s just that these pursuits are not supposed to morph into idols of worship.  And that’s what has happened to far too many perfectionists.

Some of these women apply this same demand for perfection to their marriages, and want their husbands to be instantly perfect as well.  They sand, they

In reading this over, my husband said, “What about men?  You haven’t said much about men having this problem.”  Well, to be honest, men don’t suffer from perfectionism as much as women do.  A recent study at Auburn University found that men “tend to be risk takers, so they accept that they may fall flat sometimes… Women , however, care more about what others think…”  And thus men are far more content with themselves than are women (and some would argue that many men think they’re already perfect!)   So, while there could be a rare man with this affliction, it’s mostly a Woman Thing.

Some women are furious that life has dealt them some hard blows while others seem to coast along in ease and luxury.  For those who cannot abide the fact that life happens and sometimes you get a raw deal, remember that fairness is a childish concept.  There is no magical fairy flying around and waving her wand to make sure everyone has the same amount of tragedy and trial, the same number of sprinkles on their cupcake.

You play the ball where it lies; you don’t throw a tantrum and go home.

25 Comments

1. Beth makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   GREAT article!

2. Steve Donegan makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   A timely article. My wife keeps telling me, "You're a priesthood holder! Doing it right should come easy!" But it doesn't... Thanks for writing!

3. emily makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   Best- truest rhing I've read alk week. Love love

4. J makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   It has nothing to do with being a perfectionist. Every siustion is different. As a divorced person, sometimes Plan B is not an option and has nothing to do with wanting perfection!!!!!

5. Candice makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   Excellent !!

6. Joy Pack makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   I loved this article and wanted to share it with you. Love, Judy

7. Verlee makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   I have been thinking about this very thing a lot lately...having dealt with realizing the 'what I thought was perfect life' for me was not going to happen, and also seeing it in others....I love how you explained it. thanks.

8. Lois Wharton makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   I love this article. It is so true. Thanks!

9. Sandra Lunceford makes this comment

   Thursday, 26 May 2011

   Thank you, Joni, for pointing our inner compasses in the right direction! Putting our eternal glasses on helps us acknowledge our spiritual strength comes through Christ and our Father in Heaven, who should always be our best friends. Our challenges are barriers that we must hurdle in humility and in faith to gain their presence. Listening closely may help us know when Plan B is the right choice.

10. Becky makes this comment

    Thursday, 26 May 2011

    Beautifully written! Where I haven't had an unfaithful spouse, I think all marriages require some corrections in the paths we vowed to follow together. Repentance and forgiveness and enduring to become more and more Christlike is what taking the Sacrament is about each week. Unfortunately, I've had several family members and friends that have had an unfaithful spouse. It's such a crushing, confusing time for them. Their decision to leave the marriage at the time seems logical, but then some have wondered to me what would it have been like if I had stayed?

11. Claire makes this comment

    Thursday, 26 May 2011

    I loved this article, and love the way Joni writes -- tell it like it is, no-nonsense-sweetness-and light. I also really needed this article today, as I seem to have been living in Plan B for years and still can't accept it. So I need to "suck it up" and deal the hand I'm dealt, hard as it is. Thanks.

12. Liz makes this comment

    Thursday, 26 May 2011

    Does it bother any one else when she says, in Paragraph 9, "WOMEN with messy houses who don't even try, because they know it can't be perfect"???? Why is this a women thing? What year are we in?

13. Loni makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    .... you know 'just like everything else' in life. It is 'different' for each and every ONE ! Plan B, through Z would have never worked for me..... I HAD to start over ! And to the fellow that said: "I keep being told, you have to because you are the Priesthood holder." I heard, "You have to do it my way because I'm the Priesthood holder." So, all I can say is: IF you can work it out, it would be worth it, if you can't for pete's sake, get out and begin again. That's what I did, and I will FOREVER be grateful ! (I didn't say it was easy !)

14. verda makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    I liked the good common sense in your writing. Glad things are working out for your friend.

15. m makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    My then husband had an affair. I forgave and tried to move on. He had another (and yes for everyone who thinks a temple marriage is a magic wand, he was a returned missionary and we married in the temple). He married the woman he got pregnant while we were divorcing and they were eventually sealed in the temple. He then cheated on her with many women, divorced her and drew the children out of the Church with him and married that thin, much younger, richer third wife. Oh, I chose plan C. I waited until the children he had with the second wife were grown, contacted them and told them the truth about how their parents got together to form their forever family. What in the world were the General Authorities thinking when they allowed he and his second wife to be sealed? That no apology to me was necessary because I was not married to him anymore? That I should just get over it? That if only a temple ordinance is performed, repentence is not required?

16. Jamie makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    I am working for the ideal, but realize Plan B is a must in certain things-that is the point of repenting and seeking God's will. Many times, I feel like I am criticized for that, especially within the church. I have heard it is like accepting less than the best when you can do more. I know we need to focus on God's will more than our own and see that it is not our place to judge. I love the gospel, but accepting plan B is accepting Jesus Christ. Satan wanted no option for choice. Satan was the first who wanted to glorify himself, instead of Our Father in Heaven. Jesus Christ is the Son of God that drank the bitter cup and sometimes the bitter cup is realizing Plan A does not work without truly accepting Christ. He knows Our will vs His own. We need to be long suffering, meek and submit to HIS WILL whether Plan A or Plan D-endure til the end.

17. Shawn makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    As an inveterate perfectionist, THANK YOU for writing this article. I've never heard somebody put it that bluntly before. A good eye-opener and something to think about.

18. Sara makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    Thank-you. I am a Queen of perfection and only recently I am starting to learn about Plan B. Plan B is not just about wheather a person stays married to a cheating husband (I had one of those; looked at my options and divorced. I have now married someone else). It is more about letting go of the illusions we build for ourselves (My first husband was a RM, who was a zone leader; but he wasn't Bobby BYU. I have married outside the church now to a man wth more honor in his little finger than my ex had in his whole body. I learn't to love a person for who they are not what I wanted them to become (and that includes loving myself).

19. Connie makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    Where were you when I was contemplating divorce? Everything you said is spot on! Now, of course, no one can un-ring the bell that we've both moved on, so on to plan C!

20. Marty makes this comment

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    Every situation is different. I have friends who have forgiven and then the spouse committed adultery again. They got a divorce, just years later with even less opportunity to find a new spouse. I know others who divorced quickly and they were the ones who married younger and kinder men with whom they had children and now their ex-husbands get to see the Christmas cards from their new family on the mantels of the children. I also have a friend who is that younger second wife and she is just waiting for their children to grow up so she too can divorce him. Divorce does not resolve the pain, but then neither does forgiveness unless the spouse is truly committed to repentence, with all that includes. So many just want to move on without making restitution or dealing with the full consequences of their actions.

21. Terry makes this comment

    Saturday, 28 May 2011

    We all best learn to be ready for Plan B...Like it or not, we will be disappointed, hurt, betrayed, etc. to one degree or another. The greater the challenge we have to face, the greater chance we have to examine ourselves and see what kind of character we choose to develop or exhibit. "Crunch time" is where we learn what we are really made of...

22. Carlene makes this comment

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011

    I agree with J. Every situation is different and perfection has nothing to do with the situation. And, sometimes the other spouse is unrepentant and the end result isn't what we wish but we've taken the circumstance in stride without throwing a tantrum. Some of us have seen the Christmas card only because we weren't given a choice. I think you were a bit insensitive to that fact.

23. Kathryn Bankhead makes this comment

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011

    I agree with your quote on adapting to plan B. But there are always more than the 2 options you gave your friend and you left out the one I chose and have become a happily divorced single with a rich, full life who will let God pick out my companion in the next life! My husband was not willing to change and/or work on our marriage. I knew I had to get out or consign myself to a life of repeatedly finding that he had reverted to using porn and prostitues.

24. Kathryn Bankhead makes this comment

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011

    I agree with your quote on adapting to plan B. But there are always more than the 2 options you gave your friend and you left out the one I chose and have become a happily divorced single with a rich, full life who will let God pick out my companion in the next life! My husband was not willing to change and/or work on our marriage. I knew I had to get out or consign myself to a life of repeatedly finding that he had reverted to using porn and prostitues.

25. tell tell signs makes this comment

    Wednesday, 08 June 2011

    Achieving a "look" of life typically takes a lot of time out from living it. . Achievement must be felt out. We each live in a distinct context that requires a unique skillset to balance. Jesus as I understand dealt with issues on an individual basis and did not batch render his judgement calls...I also understand that his plan A involved having a cup pass from him.