Turning Old Clichés into
New Maxims:
Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child
By Richard Eyre
Note:
This column appears every two weeks … with an old cliché replaced
by a new maxim each time. Click
here to read the full introductory column. Click
here to go to the Cliches
archives
First of
all, this one (in its too literal interpretation) was never
valid and certainly never wise. I believe strongly that its
Biblical basis is metaphorical.
Children
may become spoiled through a lack of any discipline from their
parents, but the corporal, physical punishment this cliché
advocates was never necessary, and if it can keep a child
from becoming spoiled, it can also keep him from feeling
loved, from developing confidence and freedom, and from reaching
his full ability and potential.
The implication
of the cliché is that children are trained the way animals
are sometimes trained — not to do certain things because pain
will be inflicted on them if they do.
The main
problem with most parental discipline, or with parenting in
general, is that it is aimed at training children
to behave in a particular way so that they will be less trouble
to us and more impressive to others. Instead we need to learn
that discipline should be a means of teaching children
correct principles and of helping them to find and love their
best selves.
*
In a large
parenting seminar that we were conducting, we asked the audience
to name some of the hardest aspects of raising children
— the things that bothered them the most, that they spent
the most time being troubled by, that they would like their
children to change if they had one wave of a magic wand.
Hands
went up, and the predictable answers came out: “Clean up after
themselves,” “Stop fighting and end sibling rivalries,” “Accept
responsibility for their tasks,” “Obey me.”
We talked
for a time about various techniques and methods for developing
more obedience, better order, less fighting, and so on. All
seemed to agree that these ideas could make their households
less hectic and their children less bothersome.
Then we
asked a very different question ― not what bothered
or troubled them most in parenting but what the deepest danger
was, the greatest mistake they could make with the most lasting
and serious consequences.
Two answers
emerged:
1.
a permanent or long-term loss of communication ―
a breakdown of trust so that feelings and needs were no longer
shared, and
2.>
the breaking of a child’s fragile ego ― the
loss of his self-esteem or the thwarting of its growth.
Suddenly,
right there in the meeting as we talked together as parents,
we realized we were on a new level. What mattered most was
not what worked best or what minimized inconvenience most.
What mattered most was love, how much we shared and cared
for each other, how well we communicated with each other,
and how much self-esteem and individual security our love
could give to our children. We realized how easy it is, sometimes,
in our efforts to make children less bothersome and better
behaved, to damage their egos and destroy relationships.
If our
quest for perfect order, obedience, manners, and no-problem
kids creates a constant barrage of correction and criticism
and fear-based discipline, we may win the batter and lose
the war. We may have neat, quiet homes containing insecure
ego-damaged children.
*
Should we
worry at all then about spoiling our children? Yes! But children
are never spoiled by too much praise. Many children have strong
wills, but they all have fragile egos. Critical, insulting
words; impatient, harsh tones; and any kind of corporal punishment
can dent and damage these egos and can dampen and dim trust
and communication.
Children
do need rules, limits, and correction. In fact, much of a
child’s security rests in knowing that his parents care about
him and that his life does have rules and limits. But communication
and self-esteem should always be the highest priorities. Time
must be taken to talk about rules, to let the child help make
them, to explain that they spring from love, and that we have
them because children are important. And we must work on our
tone, our look, our words, our touch ― to see that they
all build esteem rather than destroy ego.
It’s hard
to remember and hard to prioritize communication and the esteem
of children when they seem to get in the way of our own convenience
or the way we’d like things to work. It’s hard, but a new
maxim may help:
LOSE
THE ROD, FIND THE CHILD.
In other
words, forget about convenience, military-like neatness, and
efficiency. Forget about trying to make your child fit some
perfect system you have in mind. Focus on the child instead
― on who he is, what he needs, what he does well, and
what he needs help with. Build your system around him rather
than trying to build him into your system.
Next
column we will stay with our parenting theme
and
take on what may be the dumbest clichés of all …
the
one about children resembling lumps of clay.
