In this, our last week of discussing how to deal with those who offend us, Meridian readers show us how to turn the other cheek.  Our first letter today begins with a scripture:

From 2 Timothy. 3:1-5 —

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves ... blasphemers ... trucebreakers, false accusers ... despisers of those that are good. Traitors ... highminded ... Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away."

In extreme situations, when offence is intended, when it is malicious, designed to inspire doubt and destroy testimony, and delivered by wolves in sheeps clothing — then for personal, emotional and spiritual survival — "from such turn away."

President Boyd K Packer has said, "Then the criticism or mocking of the world, the mocking of those in the Church, will be of no concern to you as it is of no concern to us (see 1 Nephi 8:33). We just move forward doing the things which we are called to do and know that the Lord is guiding us."(emphasis added, "Lehi's Dream and You," Jan. 16, 2007)

Not Concerned

Thanks for the scripture and quote, Not.  President Packer has a way of telling it like it is.  His words are a real comfort.

I would just like to add something to the discussion.  Sometimes these experiences where we are offended and hurt are experiences that can be testimony-strengthening in that we choose to be strong and remember our faith.

At one point in my life, I was deeply hurt by something. A call for volunteers to assist with a church event was issued, and I offered to assist. My ward leaders supported me in this and expressed confidence in my ability to serve. However the ultimate decision-maker for this event, someone else in the stake, declined my offer to help. The reason was because I was single. I was told that for this particular service, they wanted married individuals to assist.

How that hurt me to the core! I felt quite offended. In the privacy of my own car and home, I cried quite a few times. I felt like I wasn't needed. I felt bitter towards the specific individual who I thought had not wanted my help.  But I tried to keep strong. I felt offended and realized that for me this was a personal teaching experience — something where despite being hurt, I kept strong and remained faithful.

In a surprising turn of events, a few months later, I received a calling to serve in one of the stake leadership positions. While I am happy to serve however asked, somehow receiving that calling was helpful in feeling that my service as a single person was valued.

I think it is important that when we are offended and hurt that we remember our testimony and faith in the Savior. Saying that, we should each do all we can to be sensitive and caring to our brothers and sisters.

Auntie Anna

Thanks for a great letter, Auntie.  Your letter reminds me of a similar experience I had, back in the Dark Ages, when I was asked to apply for a professional job.  This wasn’t a job I had sought; the people came to me.  In order to get this job, I had to take a writing test.  The test took a long, long time (maybe two days).  I knew I did well on the test, and I waited patiently to be called in for my job.

To my surprise, the call didn’t come.  I waited from February until late summer, and the phone never rang.  Eventually I was told by a friend who worked at this particular place that they were waiting for a man to pass the test.

“What’s the deal?”  I asked.  “I thought this job was open to men and to women.”

“It is,” my friend said.  “But the person who gets the job has to have the priesthood.”

I could have gotten upset about this, but it was just too funny to worry about.  If I had actually gotten the job, I would have missed out on a great story I’ve been telling for lo, these many years.  People are so — well, human!

Our next letter comes from another church member who found himself in a place where most would have taken offense, but who chose not to do so:

On the subject of becoming offended at church, I have some comments that may seem unusual.  In 1999, I was excommunicated because it became apparent that I am gay.  Church actions took less than 45 days to complete and I was labeled a pedophile and a pervert.  I was fairly well known in the community and had even run for mayor.  I was well known in the business and academic areas and held prominent church positions even at the time of my excommunication.  

It would have been so easy for me to do what most gay men and women in the Church do.  They simply totally leave the Church, become bitter, speak out against the Church and its leaders and spend the rest of their lives in bitterness. 
 
I chose to take a different path which basically was to attend church, strengthen my testimony any way I could, and remain active.   I was re-baptized about two years later but even now, at going on eleven years later, I still have no restoration of priesthood blessings or temple blessings.  This of course is appropriate and I am not bitter although I miss being able to home teach, hold a meaningful church position, or attend the temple.  I remain as active as I can and have held a position as magazine director, publisher of the ward newsletter, and currently gospel doctrine class president.   I use whatever forum I can to express my testimony, give a little addition to the lesson as an introduction, or help out.  

I live in a much different area here in Utah than the ultra-conservative community of the past.   Some in my ward know I am gay, both of the bishops I have had know, and my high priest group leader knows.  My attitude is that just because the doctrine and leaders of the Church don't support or maybe fully understand what it is like to be of my orientation, doesn't make the Church less true.  The Prophet and other general authorities are still in place and inspired.   Revelation for the Church hasn't ceased, nor is the Church bigoted because they don't accept my life.  

It is by faith and hope and an increased intrinsic understanding of the Atonement that keeps me going.   I refuse to give up, and it makes me sad that many people in the Church become offended at much lesser experiences than mine and give up so much. For more than fifty years of my life I asked "why me" and viewed my orientation as a curse.  I no longer feel that way and count it as a blessing in disguise so that I may be as the blind man Christ healed.  When asked who had sinned, the man or his parents, Christ said neither but that he had been made blind so that the works of God should be manifest in him. (John 9:1-4)  Maybe that is the case for me.  I hope it is but nevertheless, the gospel is still here for us all.

Gay but Faithful

Talk about looking at the glass as half full, Faithful!  Your refusal to take offense in a situation where most people find an excuse to leave the Church is more than admirable. 

None of us who are not in your situation can understand what you have had to overcome.  That can be said for all our trials, of course.  We all have times when it seems we have been given more than we can bear, but those times that “try men’s souls” also reveal our who we are.  The longer I live, the more I realize it’s impossible for us to completely understand one another, and that judgment is best left to the Lord.

When I joined the Church, everyone treated me so kindly.  I loved everyone and was sure everyone loved me. Then one day a sister let me know that was not the case. She just didn't care much for me. Boy, that hurt!  I also prayed about it. I felt prompted to continue as though I wasn't aware of her feelings for me. I knew in my heart I hadn't knowingly done anything to offend her.  I was not going to give her more reason to feel offended by avoiding her. 

Years have passed and we are still friends.  I have decided not to be offended easily.  Just maybe, because we are a family and so familiar with one another we speak quickly and lose tempers as families do. 

I once had a sister come to me to clarify something I had said that hurt her feelings.  I was so grateful she did.  It gave me an opportunity to tell her what I meant to convey.  Someone can truly mean to offend, but they can't make you feel offended.  Sometimes offenses are just misunderstandings, and some people are just waiting to be offended. 

Sister in KY

Thanks for pointing out, Sister, that some people want to be offended just because that’s their nature.  It doesn’t make any sense to let them have the upper hand by joining in the fray.  If we treat them the way we would ourselves want to be treated, we may one day make peace between us.  And if we can’t, we’ll be consoled with the knowledge that we’ve done all we can do.

I have learned a valuable lesson regarding not taking offense. Through association with one who suffered from PTS (post-traumatic stress disorder), who often reacted from old, unresolved anger and fears, the Spirit has taught me that often when people say or do things that could offend, it tells a lot about them and what may be going on in their life and not necessarily anything I may have done or said. 

So I've learned not to react hastily to others’ behavior but to ponder the situation and to not let things get under my skin.  It's actually turned out to be a blessing for me to learn compassion, understanding and forgiveness from the offenses of others.  I'm grateful for the refining experiences the Lord allows us to have for our own spiritual maturation. 

ST in Orem, UT

That’s a good reminder, ST, that things aren’t always “all about us.”  Sometimes there are things going on in the lives of others that aren’t visible from the outside, but that affect their responses to our actions.  It’s yet another reason why we shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

I had been a member for six months when I was called as a Relief Society president in a small branch, consisting of long-time members.  It was a shock to us all.  One day the branch president called me into the office to tell me that one of the sisters had been very critical of me and spreading these comments around liberally.  He said I needed to go talk to her.  I asked him to [talk to her because I] didn't want to know who it was, but he said it was my responsibility.  He then told me it was my second counselor. 

I could readily see why she would have been critical of me.  I was pretty clueless about most things in Relief Society and the gospel.  The branch president told me to fast and pray and then go to talk to her.  I did so, very nervously.  She denied everything.  I continued praying on the way home. 

Before I got home, she phoned to speak to me.  I returned to her home.  She was in tears.  She said that the Spirit had reminded her of all the things she had said and in tears we begged each other’s forgiveness.  It was a very sweet moment.  I so admired her courage and humility. 

I learned to look to my own behavior, as to what I could have done, and to take responsibility for it.   I learned to pray and fast and have the Spirit with me to try to resolve things — and when I couldn’t, to leave it in the Lord's hands. 

I have had opportunities since to re-learn this lesson.  Sometimes the issues have not been resolved, but these things must not affect my standing before the Lord.  If I have done my best, then I must leave it alone and move on, always remembering to pray for those who have chosen to hang unto their grievances.  It is a heavy thing to hang unto offenses, but it must be their choice to release it and move on.  They are entitled to that choice, much as I would rather a different outcome.  And in years to come that may change.  Some changes take time.

Anonymous

That was a great letter, Anonymous.  You turned something that could have been horrible into a positive experience.  You say you admired your second counselor’s “courage and humility.”  That goes both ways, because I admire yours.  You could not have gone into that meeting without courage, and if you hadn’t had humility, your second counselor would never have apologized.

Even though we have to relearn our life lessons over and over again, those lessons define our character.  Thanks for sharing yours.

I found the letters very interesting. I learned long ago that we are all people learning how to become more like God, and that none of us is perfect.

The hardest time I have is when my disabled son acts up and causes others to notice him. Although I accept him, and don't worry about it, my husband gets very offended or unhappy about the situation. He would like us to leave our son home and take turns coming to church. We did that once and were offered a solution of our own classroom for the non-sacrament meeting time.  Now we take turns going to the other meetings. That has worked except for sacrament meeting, and our child is good most of the time.

Many of the ward members have told us that they don't worry about the noise.  They understand and are glad we all come to church. My problem is my husband, not my son, not others who get offended or offend (and there have been a few who have said the wrong thing). I will continue to take our son to church as long as I am able, and appreciate his older brother and sister who have taken turns with him — making a long day for them when they attend the single adult ward meetings in addition to ours.  Our ward has offered other ways to help, and we have usually managed, but I still don't know what to do to help my husband.

Mary

Mary, I’m glad you’re looking for ways to help your husband rather than seeking ways to criticize him.  He is obviously in a situation that is too big for him to handle on his own, and he is responding with embarrassment and anger.  If any of you readers have been in a similar situation to Mary’s and have found a solution to the problem, please write to meridianmagazine@aol.com with the subject “Husband Help.”  I’ll forward your letters to Mary as soon as I get back from vacation.

A year after my wife and I joined the Church we were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple.  The brother who sealed us, John Simonson, gave us what we thought at the time was very unusual counsel.  He told us a story about Brigham Young taking action involving two brothers that had a very negative impact on their lives and economic well-being, offending them greatly.  One brother was sent on a mission and the other brother remained behind to work what was left of the family farm. 

President Young saw the man entering church and said to him, “Brother” so-and-so, “I did not think I would ever see you in church again.”  The man looked at President Young and answered, "President Young, if this were your church I would spit in your eye and never return. But, it is not your church.  It is the Lord's church.  Neither you or anyone else will drive me out." 

Brother Simonson then told us to never let anyone drive us out of the church by giving offense. I cannot vouch for the veracity of the story, but the point came through loud and clear. 

My wife and I were perplexed.  Why would he give us such counsel?  We were still in New Convert La-La Land and did not think anything like that could happen to us.  Everyone was so loving and kind.  However, a few short years later we experienced offense after offense in the branch we moved into.  This went on for at least 25 years.  Our children were affected by it, and it was difficult for some of them.

We had a real excuse to go inactive or leave the Church.  However, we continued to attend and serve until we moved to a different stake in a different state where we came into a wonderful loving ward.  After seven years, it remains so.  That counsel would ring in our ears anytime we became discouraged over those offenses.  It literally saved our and our children's spiritual lives. 

We know that Brother Simonson was truly inspired of God to give us such wise counsel.  When the offenses come just remember whose church it is.  It is God's church.  It is Him we serve and worship.  Not the offenders.

Saved By Wise Counsel

I was so glad to receive your letter, Saved.  Only hours after I read it, a friend came over to our house to give us gifts and an “intervention.”  Some of the things she said were completely on target, but others absolutely did not apply to us, and both Clark and I were greatly perplexed by things that made no sense whatsoever. 

As I was mulling over the words she gave us — words she insisted came from God rather than from herself — I remembered your letter and realized that even if the things she said don’t make sense now, we need to remember them just in case they apply to us in the future.  God speaks to us in myriad ways, and only a fool would disregard advice in the future just because it doesn’t make sense today.

Here’s a reader who reached the same conclusion as the brother in the Brigham Young story cited above:

After reading these articles, I'd like to share something that has helped me when others have offended me or done or said something I didn't like. 
 
The gospel is perfect.  It was given to us by a loving Heavenly Father who knows exactly what we need to return to Him.  The Church, however, is made up of human beings and human beings are not perfect.  They screw up and sometimes do things they know they shouldn't. 

What a blessing it is to me to remember that even if someone offends me, it has no bearing on my testimony or the absolute truthfulness of the Lord's gospel.  While working through being offended may be difficult, the gospel's perfection never ceases and the Lord will always stand ready to assist us in whatever trials or hardships we may have, including being offended.  This helps me have a better perspective on people in (and out of) the Church than I would otherwise have, and also helps me remember to treat them with the same love and respect I would like to be treated with.
 
Shawn
California

What you say only seems like common sense, Shawn, but there are a whole lot of people who haven’t yet reached that conclusion.  There must be, or we wouldn’t have to have a topic like this!  Thanks for reminding us once again of the blessings that are in store for us if we refuse to take offense, and if we treat others as we would want to be treated.

Sorry to say, but being “called to serve” doesn't make you a teacher, counselor, friend, advisor, coach, organist or scoutmaster.  I have seen too many ward leaders who have never touched a musical instrument and don't have the foggiest idea of the need the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra on Temple Square have for rehearsal time — or they would provide it for their
own wards.

Occasionally you hear that we “can't be al things to all people,” but Christ is so we must discard the pretention and be all things to all people.

In officiating more than 200 football, baseball, basketball and fast-pitch games over the years I can see the possibility of hurting someone's feelings, but if you genuinely love kids and what you are doing, and follow up on the rare blunder you will lose few attendees.

Warren

You’re right, Warren.  Despite what our talents are — or aren’t — love is the key.  If people see that we truly love them, they are much less likely to take offense, even when we make mistakes.

In my life, I have had experiences where being offended is the natural, and often justified reaction to the treatment of others, and I doubt I am alone in this.  However, each time I think and make a decision whether or not I will let the situation, or groups, or individuals, keep me from being active in the Church.  I remind myself that I am a member of the Church because I have a testimony, and my testimony is not based on the people who are around me.  I make a choice to not let the sticky situation of the moment get in the way of what I want my life to be like now, or affect my ability to be worthy of blessing in the eternities.

It is natural to feel offended sometimes.  But, we can choose how we will allow it to affect our lives past the moment of hurt.

K.W.

That’s wise counsel, K.W.  Before we get in a snit over something, it would be wise to sit back and determine whether the incident is snit-worthy.  It almost never is.
Someone just sent this little tidbit to my email this morning and I thought it went right along with your column.  
Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally.  Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.  The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.  Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't.  Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

Mary Jane Helms
Meridian, Idaho

Thanks for sending that along, Mary Jane.  I received the same story recently but didn’t make the connection to this topic.  It’s great to have readers who are smarter than I am!

When I first joined the Church 27 years ago, I was asked to give a talk on forgiveness.  I was able to say that during one sacrament, I thought of my brother, who hated me most of his life and would have nothing to do with me.  I thought of the time that he had been working in a pit under his car and he was deloused with petrol and nearly died.  I was not a member then, but thought that it would have been a good thing if he had.   My feelings were negative to him as well.  However taking sacrament as a new member of the Church, I did not feel right.  Something was wrong in my life and I needed to ask his forgiveness. 

I went home from church and wrote him a short letter, but told him that I loved him, and could he forgive me for any wrongs, real or supposed, and I forgave him.  I was told the letter went into the fire.  I kept trying, but he kept slamming the door in my face.  I decided to leave it to Heavenly Father and did so. 

Thirty-eight years to the day of his last being friendly, he approached me at a funeral and said hello.  I was so happy, but there is still distance between us.  Recently I was in the temple (since his hello I have put both our names on the temple prayer roll) and the Spirit told me to send to him our family genealogy.  I did so.  I have not yet heard from him, but the Spirit will not direct me into anything that is wrong. 

In my talk at church, I spoke of the earlier experiences and several members came up to me and told me that they too had to right wrong things.  But in the ensuring years of membership, I have rarely had or heard of anybody coming and asking for forgiveness.  I have been treated fairly badly by many members, but my testimony that this is the Lord's church keeps me coming.  I try very hard not to offend.  I am a strong spirit, and having a paramilitary background I find it easier to be obedient, and I think this may stress others out.  I have to admit that I have been in situations where there was a lot of pain, but I have decided to keep being nice.  Eventually people's hearts will soften. 

I have gone back through my life and anybody that I can remember that I possibly offended, I have written or called and asked for their forgiveness.  I want to return to “home'” knowing that I have done all things possible to show love for others. 

In Ephesians Chapter 4, verses 29-32, we read:

29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

If we can all be like this, how great shall our joy be, living in harmony and love.  Thanks.

MCBZ

If you can endure for thirty-eight-plus years in a quest to rekindle a relationship with your brother, MCBZ, we should all be striving to have that much patience with those who offend us.  Thanks for sharing your examples of endurance and patience.

Our last letter this week (and in this topic, because we’re going to be moving on next time) comes from an Alabama reader who is facing this situation in her own life right now.  Let’s see what she has to say:

Wow! Talk about timely!

Reading the letters from others who likewise wade through the issue of taking offense was really helpful for me right now.

Truly, I believe that none of us set out to hurt another person or our Savior with the things that we do and say. We make mistakes. But being of an unforgiving heart toward others while demanding forgiveness for yourself is a form of greed that is beyond ingratitude!

Recently, I was speaking to another sister on the phone and indicated to her that if personal slights and perceived insults were allowed to fester, that I would have left the Church a long time ago, but instead that I had chosen to focus on something my father told me years ago: "The Church is true, but the people aren't always so. Keep your eye on the Prophet and follow the example of the Savior and the commandments of God."

Although those words didn't prevent some hurt feelings from time to time, they did help me keep in perspective that I do not attend church for a “popularity roll call,” nor to be recognized for personal brilliance. I attend to feel the Spirit of the Lord and to shore up my testimony. And that attendance is a personal and necessary component to my life.

When slights, insults and boorish behavior happen (and they will happen; none of us are perfect yet!), we all need to remember that what has happened may be the result of multiple factors that we cannot see or even know about. We, as a body of Saints-in-training, need to remember that we are all here to learn, and we need each other for the lessons!

Sometimes, the most cutting or painful remarks have brought needed course corrections for me that I was willing to overlook in my own myopic view of personal perfection. Other times, the offense was never intended and my over-reaction to another child of God having a bad day made the situation worse.

Others can act, but we determine how we will react to what has been done or said.

Shelley in Alabama

Thanks for some wise words, Shelley.  I particularly liked the part about needing each other to teach us the lessons we need to learn.

Okay, people, I’m off for vacation.  When I get back to the computer, we’ll change topics.

Until next time — Kathy

Nothing is impossible. With the right attitude, you can do anything you want. It's all about choosing to be positive instead of being negative about things. Like I can look at "not working" as being, "No one's hiring me and no one will give me a job." Or I can look at "not working" as being "a fantastic vacation."

Minnie Driver