Spring is popping up around us, and just in time for June weddings, Meridian readers are popping up with ideas to save the tender feelings of nonmember relatives who are invited to celebrate temple marriages. Many of their suggestions involve ring ceremonies, but not all of them. And even the ones that advocate ring ceremonies have different ways to do it. Read on to see how to make a wedding a joyous affair:

My parents were the first in my family to be members of the Church, and at the time my fiancé was the only one in his family.  So, we had lots of family (many coming from long distances) that would not be able to attend our temple wedding. 

We decided not to exchange our rings in the temple and do that in a ring ceremony before the reception.  We first tried to arrange for a sealer to do both the sealing and preside over the ring ceremony.  I was given the name of a brother, but when I called, he refused.  He said that he had seen too many “ring ceremonies” that were made to look like it was the wedding itself.  I saw his point, but I was devastated at the time.  We didn't want to do that; we just wanted some way to include our family and friends.

So, here's how ours went:  On the invitations, we made sure to emphasize that we would be married in the temple, but that the guests were invited to attend a ring ceremony rather than the sealing itself.  (We only invited my parents to the sealing.)  Our result was that my husband had to go and find a stranger to be a witness! 

I was fine until we came out and met up with some close family friends who had traveled to come to my wedding.  They were there to do a session and they did get to see pictures done, but I could tell they wished they had been able to be with us a few hours earlier.  I honestly don't know if I would change that or not. 

My husband's only brother eloped.  My mother-in-law never said much about not being able to see us get married, but my husband was her baby and I'm sure not being able to see either of her sons married wasn't easy for her.

The ring ceremony was very simple.  The set-up was more like a sacrament meeting than a traditional wedding ceremony.  My dad spoke about what had happened in the temple and the importance of eternal marriage.    Then we exchanged rings and gave declarations of our love, rather than vows. 

Heather Cotrell

It sounds as though you followed the rules to the letter, Heather. It's sad that you accidentally ran into your friends in the temple and had second thoughts, though. Whenever people's feelings are involved, it's hard not to hurt somebody. All you can do is hope that those who are hurt are also understanding.

Here are four short-and-sweet letters about ring exchanges, each of which has at least one good idea:

We invited the groom's grandparents to sit in the special waiting area in the Atlanta Temple with the Church magazine on temples. Then, at the wedding breakfast, they were seated then at the head table. They were in all the pix and at the head tables. After all, they are the Grands.

Reader from Atlanta

That's a good idea, Atlanta, to get a copy of the church magazine on temples to present to nonmember relatives, either to read during the ceremony or to take home with them for later.

Our daughter was married in the Salt Lake Temple last summer and wanted her brother and his girlfriend, who were not able to be in the temple, to be part of the marriage.  Our daughter and her fiancé chose to have a ring exchange attended by all family and close friends (thus including others who were not able to be in the temple), with our bishop officiating, that was performed before the dinner and dancing celebration.  It was a great success.

Sharlene
Salt Lake City, Utah

We know several couples who have had a ring ceremony after the temple sealing and before their reception, usually at the same place the reception is going to be held.  A bishop can give some remarks about the sacred nature of the temple but also encourage the bride/groom to be very appreciative of all of their family members who are there to support them on their special day.  They exchange rings. You can have someone read an appropriate scripture or perform a special musical number. This can help soften non-member family members' feelings.

MJ from Maryland

My wife and I married in the Bountiful Utah Temple in July 2005. Because several family members and friends would not be able to attend the temple ceremony for a variety of reasons, we decided to hold a separate “ring ceremony” immediately before the reception.

Everyone could participate, my wife thoroughly enjoyed her father walking her down the aisle like she had dreamed for years, and we could publicly share our feelings for each other in a “vow”-like moment. Plus, the brides-maids and groomsmen got a little more use out of their beautiful dress/uncomfortable tuxedos. It was perfect!

Skyler Bradbury
Alexandria, Virginia

Your ring ceremony sounds lovely, Skyler, although new rules may preclude “vow-like moments” in ring exchanges that are held today, or even processionals down the aisle. Anyone who is planning a ring exchange in a ward building should check with the bishop to make sure everything is on the up-and-up.

When my husband and I decided to get married in the temple, I knew it would cause some problems with my nonmember family. Both my parents were extremely unhappy that my dad would not be able to give me away in a traditional wedding ceremony. Much pressure was put on me, along with guilt for denying my parents their "parental right" to see their daughter married. 

Being highly aware of the tender feelings and emotions of family and some friends, I decided to make our ring exchange as family-friendly as possible. After speaking with my sweet bishop, he allowed the use of the chapel for the ring exchange. We planned to have the exchange before the reception. With our wedding announcements we included a separate invitation to the temple ceremony. On our announcements we included the invitation to the ring exchange, which was held one hour before the reception. 

Having my family feel included in the celebration was crucial.  I asked my sister-in-law to do a scriptural reading I chose. My cousin did a reading of a poem from my favorite author.  My three young nieces were honorary bridesmaids.

The big day finally arrived. As our guests arrived in the chapel, prelude music played. When everyone was seated, first, my husbands' parents entered into the chapel together (they were members) and were seated on the stand. Then my new husband escorted my mother to the stand. Then, I took my father's arm and my father escorted me to the stand. 

For the program, I had chosen two musical numbers. My dear friends sang a duet of a favorite song and their son composed a beautiful piano piece (his wedding gift to us), which he played during the program.  My bishop gave a short talk about the meaning of temple marriage, and my home teacher spoke a bit about our courtship and why we chose to married in the temple.  At the conclusion of the program my husband and I separately stood to bear our testimonies of our temple marriage and our love for all those present. We then closed with prayer and music as we left the stand. We did a receiving line in the foyer with our parents to greet our guest while we served hors d'oeuvres prior to the dinner. It was a happy day and my family felt included.

Gloria Owens-Buynak
Towanda, Pennsylvania

What a nice experience, Gloria! You took a potentially devastating situation for your parents and turned it into an event that taught them a little bit about temple weddings — and in a church setting, no less. It was good you received guidance from your bishop about what should be done, and even better that he gave the doctrinal talk. Thanks for sharing your story.

As the only member in my family I struggled with this too. I worried way too much!

We invited our relatives to sit in the waiting area of the temple. We had children and other friends who were not able to go in there, too. My relatives were quite impressed with how many people they saw and how they all looked so happy. It led to many conversations about temples.

The first people who were greeted as the couple left the temple were the nonmember grandparents. We asked the grandpa to say the blessing on the wedding luncheon. We asked the grandparents to be greeters at the reception, and this was by far the best thing we did. The nonmember grandparents got a chance to meet so many of our wonderful (member and nonmember) friends!  We also had a grandparents' dance.

The nonmember grandparents never felt left out and had so many wonderful memories of being involved. We also have some precious memories of Grandpa saying a prayer at the wedding luncheon where he asked the Lord to watch over his granddaughter because he was uncertain about her new spouse. It was always like him to throw in some humor!

I-Should-Not-Have-Worried-So-Much in Utah

What a nice way to do it, Should Not! Having a lot of people waiting with your grandparents outside was a great way to show them that they were not being discriminated against, but that many of your friends were happy to be there to greet the new couple when they emerged from the temple. It also didn't hurt that your grandparents — especially the grandfather — had a sense of humor rather than taking offense. I hope the groom was quickly able to allay the uncertainties Grandpa had about his granddaughter's new spouse.

Read on for a reader who makes an excellent point:

In explaining to friends and relatives that cannot participate in the temple sealing portion of a wedding, I like to share that much of what they think they are missing out on actually isn't a part of a temple wedding. I think their disappointment stems from thinking that there will be a lovely processional, beautiful flower arrangements, bridesmaids and groomsmen in their finery, lovely music (perhaps a harp or a gorgeous vocal solo) and other things. I think they are picturing candle lightings, an officiator in fine robes, a sermon written personally for the couple, parents in coordinating outfits, family pictures, bouquets and boutonnières. I think they are imagining it will be all that the world includes in such an important celebration and that they are barred from all of that.

I try to explain that instead of that what will take place is a very sacred religious ceremony that takes only a few minutes to be pronounced and that it is best enjoyed by those of our faith who can appreciate its significance. And that all of the rest of the celebration the flowers, the music, the bridesmaids, the dancing, the food, the gifts, the photographs will include everyone that the bride and groom love.

My last child to marry didn't have a ring ceremony as the relatives were all members of our faith, but I spent some time pondering what might be included so that those attending the reception would feel more a part of things. A few ideas I had were:

I think most of all it is important to do something to let those that are special to the newlyweds know that even though they were not allowed to attend the sealing it is not because they are not special to the couple. Two ideas start with having the bride or groom write a line or two about these special folks sharing what the bride or groom loves about them and perhaps a memory of happy time in their lives together or a quality in the person being honored that the bride or groom wants to emulate in their life and marriage.

One thing to do might be to give each of these special folks a beautiful flower and after the bride or groom shares a tribute statement about the person the person would bring up the flower and either put it in a vase or hand it to the bride. Then the bouquet created by these special folks if it were in a vase could be displayed in a place of  honor at the reception or if in a bouquet could be carried by the bride.

The second idea might be to have each honored person handed a lit candle to hold as they are honored and then have the candle displayed somewhere significant at the reception. This would be a symbol of how the light of love and friendship offered by this special person lends beauty and light to the celebration.

For both of these ideas you might want to keep the ring ceremony really small. Don't include every ward member that is invited to the reception, but those few family members and friends that are like family. You might want to honor each person present as to not leave anyone out.

I guess an alternative idea might be if you do not want to have a ring ceremony instead to make sure the morning of the sealing that a special gift is delivered to each person you wish were to be with you at the wedding. It might be a breakfast treat (a home made cinnamon roll, a muffin, or something else) or a single rose in a bud vase or something similar. Along with the little gift would be a personal note from you including any of the above sentiments to express how very special this person is in your life and how much you appreciate their blessing upon your union.

Sandee Spencer
Longwood, Florida

Thanks for your ideas, Sandee. It had never occurred to me that the hard feelings surrounding a nonmember's exclusion from a temple wedding might be because the nonmember has a misconception about what he or she will be missing. It probably would have occurred to me if I'd thought about it, but a lot of us just don't think.

One thing to point out is that if you're planning the ring ceremony or reception to take place in a meetinghouse or stake center, you need to let the bishop know exactly what is going to transpire so you can get his okay beforehand. Some of your ideas (anything involving candles or anything similar to vows) might not fly in a church setting. The ideas of sending notes or keepsakes to be delivered to the people who can't attend the ceremony are lovely, though.

My husband and I got sealed in the Salt Lake Temple more than 31 years ago.  I am still the only member in my family.  My parents, brother and sister-in-law, uncle and grandmother all traveled from Oklahoma to be there for all of the wedding festivities.  They all were lovingly taken care of by my husband's family members who were too young to go into the temple. 

They were shown around Temple Square while the rest of us were inside, for the ceremony in the sealing room of the temple.  We opted to not exchange rings inside the temple so that we could do that with my parents outside since that is not an official part of the sealing.  We had a little ceremony out on the grounds of the temple to exchange our rings.  It really turned out nicely. 

However, it wasn't until about ten years ago that I realized how difficult that must have been for my parents to have their only daughter get married where they couldn't participate.  That was when my own daughter was old enough to get married in the temple.  Tears streamed down my face when I finally was mature enough to recognize their sacrifice.  They were so patient and supportive and I am so grateful for their love and continued support to this day.

Judy from Bountiful, Utah

What a nice tribute to your parents, Judy! And it was a lovely idea to give LDS family members and friends the assignment of showing nonmembers around the temple grounds and talking to them during the ceremony.

One thing has apparently changed since you were married, and that is that ring ceremonies are no longer allowed in the vicinity of the temple. If rings are not exchanged in the room where the sealing is performed, they must be done outside the temple and off the grounds.

An easy, and effective, way to include those guests who do not attend the ceremony is to exchange rings at the reception. Although this is allowed in the sealing room, it is not part of the ceremony and it is appropriate to wait and do this a little later (not elsewhere in the temple or on the temple grounds). It is not appropriate to simulate a wedding ceremony with this, but for the bride and groom to carefully prepare a few words to say as he or she slips the ring onto the others finger is fine. Something that starts like, "John, to me this ring represents ...," is meaningful for all.

Another idea is to have someone who is very familiar with the temple wait with your guests. (Your Relief Society president might be a good candidate.) That person could gather these guests together for picture-taking as the couple emerges from the temple. Be sure to take these pictures first — the people who couldn't go inside the temple should be taken before the shots with everyone else. If possible, everyone except the bridal couple and attendants should be whisked away to the reception area, or wherever you plan to have everyone wait. Then, finally, take the individual bride and groom and attendants shots. Don't let this take too long!

Marilyn from Canada

Thanks for your letter, Marilyn. It's a good idea to have someone at the temple with nonmember relatives who can tactfully and knowledgably answer questions, and the Relief Society president may fill the bill.

Here's another endorsement for a ring ceremony:

A ring ceremony is always tasteful, especially if it is small and intimate.  You can even ask the person presiding over it to honor the parents of the bride and groom for preparing their children for the blessings of marriage, or for life. 

My brother just got married last week, and his wife could not have any family present in the temple. Her mother was honored at the ring ceremony, and her parents were given front row seats and were given the traditional corsage and boutonnière. They decorated the site of the ring ceremony with flowers and an arch, and ribbons on the chairs.  The exchanging of the rings was a place for the parents to feel included.

Elizabeth Laguna
San Pedro, California

I really like your idea, Elizabeth , of honoring the parents (or other nonmember relatives) of the bride and groom for preparing their children for life. That's a great way to help relatives feel as though they are part of the lives of the new couple, even if they weren't able to attend the temple ceremony.

All three of my children have been married in the temple.   All are now starting and raising strong and active families in the Gospel.  I had to face the concern, each and every time our children married in the temple, of how to include my whole side of the family, who are not members of our church. 

I joined the LDS Church when I was in college.  I came from a very strong and active Catholic family and had never questioned my faith growing up. I was not “searching for the truth,” because I firmly believed in my faith.  When President Hinckley said, “Bring all the truth that you have and let us see if we can add to it,” that was the description of how I came into the Gospel.  When I joined the Church, my father disowned me and some painful years followed. 

My husband served a valiant mission.  He was the “catch” of our entire LDS district at home.  Any LDS parent would have been overjoyed to have a daughter marry such a faithful and strong returned missionary, but not my parents.  They were devastated.  Their dreams and plans for me were different. 

My husband and I were married seven weeks after he returned home from his mission.  It was a 24-hour drive to the temple, but that is where we went to be married.  Not a soul in my family was with me to share the experience in any way.  My mother-in-law played the role of mother of the bride and mother of the groom.  She made our wedding as memorable an experience as possible. 

I was the first of my siblings to marry and I gave my parents their first two grandchildren, before any others followed in our extended family.  When my oldest was born, my parents made a decision to be grandparents to my children and although our relationship wasn't perfect, they never said a negative word about the LDS Church to my children or tried to influence my children's belief system in any way.   When they decided to come back into our lives, I welcomed them with open arms and put aside all of the painful words and treatment of the past, and we simply moved forward.   

When my oldest daughter announced her engagement and plans to be married in our local temple, all the fears and pain from my past came rolling into the present.  I feared that my parents might react in a similar manner as they had 20 years before, when my husband and I had announced our temple wedding plans.

The first thing we did, to try to make it special, was have the invitation to be at the temple for pictures come from our daughter.  She called her grandparents to ask them if they would be there with her, right when she came out.  Their remark was a loving, “Of course we will be there, honey.” 

You will probably receive many email messages regarding ring exchange “ceremonies” or events. Since the exchanging of wedding rings is not an official part of the temple sealing ceremony, many families will save this so that those not in the temple can feel a part of something associated with the wedding.  We had heard about “ring exchanges.” However, we are also aware that these events can be misused, such that they tend to “overshadow” the actual temple sealing.  We kept that counsel in mind as we planned a ring exchange “event” after each child's temple sealing.   The ring exchange was never held in the chapel area of our buildings, but in the Relief Society room, the Primary room or another room in the facility where one of the receptions were held. 

Our ring exchange was an invitation event to which those not able to attend the temple sealing were the main guests of honor.  These events were more like a special family gathering and we were very careful not to include the word “ceremony” in the description. 

Grandparents and family were recognized and gratitude expressed.  The bishops always gave an appropriate gospel message and each time presented a beautiful lesson on eternal marriage and the temple sealing that had just occurred.  Each parent spoke and expressed their love.  There was always laughter as humorous experiences were remembered.  Somebody shared a musical talent. 

My nonmember family was always in attendance, some coming from far away to be there.  They were included in the ring exchange and reception in whatever way was most appropriate.  No ceremony was conducted or vows exchanged.  The bride and groom simply expressed their love to each other, or just simply exchanged their rings and a kiss. 

I also included my nonmember mother and family members in helping me with the planning and preparation of the wedding day, reception, and other details.  My mother is an accomplished seamstress, and she played a huge role in helping me in that area and in many other ways.  I think being included in all of the preparation helped her to feel a major part of the wedding.  I'm sure that she must have felt some sadness at not being able to see the actual sealing, but she never expressed that to me.   

I think that it helps if you have other nonmember family or close friends, that understand and are supportive of our faith, to be there to be supportive and encouraging to those who may harbor disappointment.  One of my sisters has been a huge support in this role in our extended family.

I understand that the temple sealer came down to the waiting area, before the bride and groom came down, and talked with some of the waiting nonmember family, and gave them a special pamphlet.  Our temple has a video and room where people can see a message on the temple in our foyer area. 

I will soon be leaving everyone I love and all that I know, to travel halfway around the world to a land totally strange and foreign to both my husband and myself, as my husband has been called to be a mission president.  My parents are in their mid-seventies now and they will not be seeing me for three years.  I will miss some special family events occurring in the next three years.  Again, this is disappointing to my parents, but I am including my mother in the care and nurturing of my children and grandchildren in my absence.  Helping our nonmember family to feel that they have a role to play and are needed and appreciated in these major events of our lives, is the key in being able to bridge the gaps of disappointment.

Pacific Northwest Mom

Even though your letter was a long one, PN Mom, it was worth reading because you had so many good ideas. I especially appreciated the observation that a temple marriage is only the first event in the life of an LDS couple where nonmember relatives may feel slighted. It is as important to be sensitive to the needs of others in all these occasions, and your experiences have set an example for the rest of us.

When my wife and I were married we decided that we had to do what was right for us.  Neither of our parents were members and I only had one cousin that was a member.  My parents had been on vacation before the Washington DC Temple was dedicated, and they went on a tour so they had seen first-hand a bride's room and a sealing room.

My wife's father was the kind of person that no matter what we did we were in a lose-lose situation.  If we decided not to be married in the temple he would state that we did not believe in our faith because we did not go to the temple to be married. Conversely, if we were married in the temple he would state that there was not a marriage because he did not witness it. So we did the best we could do to make sure that our family was included in all of other activities. 

Because we had to travel to the temple, my cousin and his wife came with us and we had a reception a week later where we had a small dinner for family. Then we had a fireside where we talked about our feelings and bearing testimonies to our ceremony.  There were no vows taken outside the temple — just a short fireside explaining our faith and what we could of our trip to the wedding. We had two soloists and read poetry and talks about eternal marriage. Then we had an open house where we had goodies and dancing. 

After many years my wife decided to leave and also left the Church.  Our son recently married in the temple and I was able to be his witness while his mother greeted him and his new wife as the left the temple.  We then had a very nice reception for the family, where we did a lot of talking and having fun.

A Reader from Canada

Thanks for writing, Reader. I'm sorry your story didn't have a happy ending, but your letter is important because it reminds us that some nonmember relatives will not be placated no matter how hard we try. All we can do is give it our best effort — something I admittedly did not do when Clark and I got married — and pray for the best.

I'm the mother of two grooms and one bride — so far.  Here's what we did for our bride's wedding day:  

Non-members were invited to wait in the foyer of the temple or come after the ceremony and meet us and be included in the pictures (we told them how to dress).   After the 11 a.m. ceremony and photographs, all the relatives traveled an hour to our home, where we visited and had an early meal.

Then, just at sunset, we held a ring exchange “ceremony.”  We had the bishop of the student ward "officiate," and he spoke about the temple and eternity and was so inclusive and sweet.  My husband read a poem.  A home is an intimate place, and hopefully a bit like heaven, so the spirit was there. 

Then we went to the church for the reception.  We had decorated one half of the cultural hall for a dance and the other half with pretty tables and an area for the reception line.  We served desserts.  We had a line for about an hour and then a dance.  Everyone was included in a whole day of celebration, which included the familiar wedding stuff — cake cutting, bouquet tossing, toast, and instead of a garter an ankle bracelet. 

Yes, they missed the sealing ceremony, and that will always hurt, there is no getting over that, but hopefully, by having the whole day available for celebration, we built strong family ties and bridges. 

Susan B
Oregon

Wow, Susan, I've never heard of a whole-day wedding celebration — at least in our culture! I'm sure with such an event-filled day, you did a whole lot to mitigate any feelings of being excluded from the brief sealing ceremony. Well done!

Our last letter of today's batch makes an excellent point that anyone considering a ring ceremony will want to pay attention to:

When it comes to LDS weddings/receptions, please encourage people strongly to follow the counsel in the bishop's handbook.  When even one wedding/reception includes things that are not in keeping with the rules of the Church, then it becomes socially an established precedent upon which many, many others build — that is, it becomes part of our "culture."  This LDS cultural practice isn't always the way it is supposed to be, so new members and even those outside the Church end up with a false perception of the Church, because of what members end up making common practice. 

Then when a bishop is asked what the church expectations are, he is caught between a rock and a hard place when the families involved say, "Well so-and-so did such-and-such. Why can't we?" 

Ring ceremonies are often mini-"wedding" ceremonies after the sealing has already taken
place, for example.

It's like my parents' ward, there were tables set up all around the halls during a preparedness fair for vendors to actually sell their wares in the meetinghouse. Not that receptions have a commercial bent, it's just that members could end up in a huff, wondering why they couldn't do the very same things when they wanted to.

Caught-Between-Too-Many-Rocks-&-Hard-Places

Readers, Caught makes a good point. As Marilyn from Canada pointed out, there are written guidelines for ring exchanges that specify things we cannot do in ring ceremonies:

• Ring exchanges should either occur in the sealing room where the sealing took place or off the temple grounds entirely;
• They should be dignified;
• They should not imitate a wedding ceremony, and especially not the sealing ceremony, and
• There should be no exchange of vows.

If you're hoping that the bishop will make an exception in your case, please reconsider. As Caught points out, one exception leads to a trend.

And if you're the bishop and are tempted to grant an exception, you may want to remember that you may be putting your successor in a bad situation when people ask him for their own exceptions to be granted. A bishop's job is hard enough without his having to justify his decisions based on the decisions of the former bishop.

We have more letters already in the hopper to run next week, so we don't need any more responses on this subject. However, if you have a topic you'd like to see covered in Circle of Sisters, please send your suggestions to meridianmagazine@aol.com. We can't use all the topics that are suggested, but we're always looking for good ideas!

Until next week — Kathy

"To keep your marriage brimming,
with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you're wrong, admit it;
whenever you're right, shut up."