When I ran the letter from “A Sister in Colorado ” last week, I had no idea it was going to open a floodgate of letters from people who had also experienced cliques in ward settings. We have a grundle of them, so look forward to several columns with the ones that are already in my box. Thanks so much for your responses — but please don't send any more because I've got more than I can use. I can never get over the generosity of all you wonderful Meridian readers.
Our letters come from people who have felt shut out and people who have advice for those who feel shut out. Here they are, in no particular order:
We moved into a new ward over one and a half years ago. We still feel like it is the "new ward" because we, too, haven't made any friends. It really isn't a big deal for my husband and me, but it has been terribly difficult for our children who are home schooled. Church is their only opportunity to make friends and it is painful for them to go to YM and find that no one talks to them. The cliques are already formed and there doesn't seem to be room for our boys.
To make matters worse, we moved to this area from overseas because I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. To say that the last two years have been hard is an understatement. What our boys each, desperately need is a friend, just someone to talk to or to invite over to play Nintendo or whatever.
Each Sunday they try hard to engage the other youth; they go on the Boy Scout camping trips, to seminary, and to all the other activities. They have always been very social boys and now when they most need friends they find they are left out. Sometimes, it just breaks my heart to see how hurt they are. Sundays have become sad days for me as our boys discuss this problem on the way home from church each week.
Would it be too weird to assign a "friend" to new members and to members new to the ward? It could almost be like the Visiting Teaching program; auxiliary leaders would assign a "friend" to each new person, and that friend would be responsible for inviting the new person over, showing him around, or letting him know the fun things to do in town. Friends could also invite new people to group activities and offer to give them a ride. If the friend just didn't click with the new person, he could use his knowledge of the members of the ward to find someone who might click..
What could be more important to someone new in town? In fact, for teenagers it is perhaps more important than anything else. My husband and I continuously pray that our children will be befriended by some kind soul, but so far it hasn't happened. They have now become too shy to reach out on their own because they are embarrassed that they might be rebuffed. If anyone has a good idea how to deal with this, we are all ears!
After nearly two years, sign us,
Still New in Manassas
I'm sad to hear your boys haven't found friends after nearly two years, Manassas , and I'm even sadder to know the ward hasn't rallied around your whole family because of your own health struggles. Where is your Relief Society president in all this? Your family should be swarming with love and support right now, and I'm sad to hear you've been left alone.
When President Hinckley said that every new Church member needs a friend, a calling, and “nourishment by the good word of God,” we all thought of him as speaking about new converts. But new people to a ward — especially in an area where there are no extended families as there are where you live — are “new members” too. In fact, I've read somewhere that there is no time when people are more likely to fall through the cracks as far as church membership is concerned than they are when they have just moved to a new location.
We have often been told that every member should be a missionary. Readers, there's more than one way to be a missionary than to knock on doors and find new converts. Bringing members back into activity or keeping active members from falling away is missionary work, too.
I hope you can find people in your ward to seek you out, Manassas . Meanwhile, I hope there are ideas in this week's column — or in the other columns on this subject — that will help you find friends in what seems to be an unfriendly situation.
My husband was a military member and we moved frequently. We spent 22 years serving in the Army. You don't mention how long you have been in the military experience, Sister in Colorado , but you will find it easier as time passes. There are indeed some wards that are more inclined to be cliquish. It is probably not meant to be that way. There are factors that enter in, in various parts of the country.
I was faced with a peculiar ward as the Relief Society president. My ward was about one third military post and the rest in an older part of the city. The members there had been there for years, if not generations. We had very few teens in the ward. It was seniors and it was the young wives with small children living on the post. I must say it was one of my more challenging callings.
I would suggest that you speak to the Relief Society president. I can assure you that she does not want any groupies or anyone feeling left out. Neither is in keeping with the spirit of the society. Perhaps at this time you could ask to be put on the visiting teaching list that would go into some of the homes of those that you feel are cliquish. This is a bonding experience.
Don't be afraid to introduce yourself. "Hello, my name is ‘Sister in Colorado.' I am new and would like to get acquainted." Ask the members questions about themselves. That way you know more about them. Most love to talk about themselves.
Find others of your situation. As you are in the military and living in Colorado I can safely say there are others with the military also. I lived in Colorado a couple of times myself. There is a kinship right there. Other things you might try are join the choir. Ward choirs are always needing more voices. If you play the piano or lead music let that be known. People will recognize you as a loving and helpful person. If you have children you will soon be known as "Tommy's Mother." They get to know your name soon after that. Children are great door openers.
Take advantage of these times in the military. Bloom where you are planted. You will learn more of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and you will grow with the unusual experiences. You will learn to love people where ever they are and to appreciate their differences. These are such wonderful testimony builders.
I feel a little thread of hesitancy or fear running through your letter. There are others that feel the same way you do. Try to seek them out and put them at ease with you. Bingo! You have a new friend. Also your own hesitancy may appear to others that you are the one being stand-offish. Do try to put any ideas of the sort away. Love and serve any way you can.
The most helpful thing you can do is to pray. Use this wonderful blessing that is given to us to communicate with our loving Heavenly Father. Pour out your feelings to Him. God loves you and will hear your prayers and answer them. After your prayer, sit quietly by your self to ponder and to listen. Then keep in mind that we in faith must do our part also. "Faith without works is dead," we are told.
I hope I have at least given you an idea or two that will help you feel better. God will be with you.
Sister Darla in Idaho
Thanks for making some good points, Darla. As for your advice to join the choir, I have a good friend who makes a practice of joining the choir the first day he attends any new ward. He says the ward stalwarts are the ones in the choir, and once you get to know the choir members, being an essential member isn't far behind. I can't vouch for that personally because I'm not a singer, but he says it's true.
As much as we'd like to believe that we're above cliques in the Church, we are also human, and humans tend to gather with those they feel most comfortable. It's up to each of us to break out of those comfort zones and open ourselves up to befriending those members whose backgrounds and interests may be different than ours. If we do this, then those walls that separate us won't be there anymore. Some may say it's easier said than done, but it is possible.
For the sister who is having a hard time in new wards, I'd like to say that what works for me is to immediately introduce yourself to the bishop and Relief Society president. I also got to know who the Primary and YM leaders were, depending on the age of my sons at the time. Another thing that helps is to volunteer any needed service that may be asked for in Relief Society. Sometimes when we're new, we may need to take the initiative. Of course, it doesn't hurt to pray for divine help if we are having trouble socially. The Lord knows our needs. I can attest that when I've needed a friend, no matter what ward I've been in, He's always provided for me.
Trish Crowe
Reading , Pennsylvania
I liked what you said about taking the initiative, Trish. Taking the initiative could mean the difference between being a wallflower and being the center of the ward.
Decades ago, when I was still young and mobile, we had a ward that could be described as cliquish. One day a couple moved in from Arizona , however, and they didn't even wait to see if there were any cliques to infiltrate. Instead they had a series of parties — one every Saturday night for several Saturdays in a row. There was a different set of people at each party, but by the time the parties were over everyone in the ward had been invited to one. Each party featured a potluck barbecue and some silly games, which provided just enough interaction for the couple to observe the guests.
These people went from being total strangers to being the center of the ward in just a few weeks' time. It was purely amazing. If they hadn't been transferred back to Arizona at the end of the summer, they could have ended up as the king and queen of our ward. Thirty years later, I still wonder what happened to Alma Taylor and his wife Mary Lou. I'm sure they are king and queen of the ward, wherever they are.
I've moved around many times too and learned a long time ago that to get a friend you must be one first. I also visit a lot of wards when traveling. I walk into a ward I'm visiting, put on my smile that wins hearts, and stick out my hand to everyone I pass. I introduce myself and find some nice thing to say about the person or their family and it usually takes off from there.
If you wait for others to make the first move, they may be shyer than what shows.
A loyal reader in the Beautiful Hill Country of Texas —
Beverly Barnt Moore
You're right, Beverly — the best way to befriend people is to be the one to make the first move. That's a very hard thing for introverts to do, but sometimes it's the only thing that works.
Dear Sister in Colorado , I feel very deeply for you. I too was in a military family. If you think it's hard as an adult, try being 12, 13, 14, or — worst yet — 15 in a new ward. Youth can be very hard on the new kid. When I was in that part of my life, I tried to find someone else who was also left out. Sad to say there were always a few. They didn't care who it was that cared, just that someone did.
As an adult I had the opportunity to use the lessons from my youth when I moved from Portland Oregon (very big place) to a small Southern Utah town (very small place). It seemed that if I didn't have ancestors in the local cemetery, I didn't belong. Everyone was related to someone somehow, and I was the outsider. Hurtful as it was, I did find some who needed a friend like me, and friendships bloomed.
Shouldn't our example of how to "fit in" come from Christ? The Lord did not come here to "fit in." He found those to help, serve, love, and share His love of the Father. Should we not go and do likewise? If we stand apart, learn to love, serve, and be like our Savior, we will be happier with those whom we have come to love through His example. And who knows? Maybe those in the "cliques" will be drawn to us and the goodness we share.
Your Sister in the Gospel from Utah
What an optimistic letter, Utah ! I think that most of the situations we encounter with cliquishness, doing exactly what you prescribe will fix the problem. Of course, teenagers are another problem entirely — as are some adults. With some people, nothing gets through, but if you run into people like that, you may be better off not fitting in.
Read on for thoughts from someone who has been on both sides of the fence:
I sat alone for more than a year in one ward, wishing desperately for my inactive husband to be there with me and longing for some warm interaction with the long-time members. The loneliness was unbearable. One day, some college-aged girls motioned for me to sit by them. I cried through the whole meeting.
That day changed my life. From that day on, whenever I attend a new ward, I now look for someone who is alone or new, and sit by her or wave her over to sit by me. I remember her name and go out of my way to be friendly.
When I establish myself, there are times I would rather sit by people I know and stay in my comfort zone. But, my heart tells me to watch for “the one,” and be like those dear young friends who taught me the value of such a small kindness. Basically, I switched roles and became the one who included others rather than waiting for inclusion to come to me.
Name Withheld
What a good reminder, Name Withheld! This is advice that all of us need from time to time.
Just this week, I was in a conversation with someone from our ward, who said she wanted to start sitting next to so-and-so in Relief Society because so-and-so didn't seem to have any friends in the ward.
My first thought was that I have been in the ward with so-and-so for nearly twenty years, and I have never seen so-and-so with any friend. She always comes into meetings alone, and leaves alone. My second thought was, “Well, doofus, why haven't you reached out to her?” Frankly, it had just never occurred to me.
Even though I have a reputation in our ward for being friends with everybody, I realized this week that everybody doesn't include everybody . There's room for all of us to try harder to make the people around us feel loved — even when we have to stop patting ourselves on the back in order to do it.
I read this article and letter about cliques in church. I think that people are as accepting of us as we are of them. There have been times I have been excluded, but I find it is more often I am excluding them and not interested in them and what they say than them excluding me.
Some wards take a long time to work into, and as a military wife “Sister in Colorado ” may not have the necessary time to work into a ward, but other wards are loving and accepting. I've found that they who have the most friends are the friendliest.
Most of the time what ends up bothering us most is our own inadequacies and we write a personal story to validate that it is not our problem and we can not change it. Rewrite your personal story by changing your behavior. If your story is, "Why don't all the sisters come say hi to me? No one even talks to me in church," you can rewrite it to, "Why don't I go say hi more to the sisters, assume they like me or will as they get to know me, and go out of my way to show the love to them that I wish they would give me." This little tiny change in one's attitude makes a huge difference in one's life.
I once went to church and would talk to no one and I would of course blame them. Then I got a calling that I used as an excuse to talk to all the women I was too scared to talk to before, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends. Even as I moved into new wards it was easier to make my way in because I found this secret in that calling.
Focus on what you can change. I cannot change anyone else, but I can change me and by so doing write a new story for my life.
Melanie Lewis
I love your attitude, Melanie! That's the best explanation for “rewriting your own history” that I've ever read — and the only one I believe.
I hate moving to a new ward. It honestly takes me a year to feel at home. Luckily for me we've lived in our present ward for 25 years and have no plans to move. I have, however, noticed the actions of others that are much better than myself at making new friends.
Here are some things I've seen them do:
- Ignore the differences. Don't count people out as potential friends because they are younger, older, have children, don't have children, have more money, have less money, are more educated, are less educated, or anything else. Some of your dearest friends often turn out to be those you'd least expect.
- Extend yourself. Don't sit back and expect others to befriend you because you are the new girl. Remember LDS people are overloaded with responsibilities, callings, children, trials, and the rest of life. Be the first to introduce yourself, sit next to someone you don't know, or engage others in friendly conversation.
- Don't wait for the perfect opportunity. One of my best friends is a master at this. Rather than waiting until her house is perfectly clean and she has a delicious luncheon or dinner to invite a friend to, she just naturally includes folks. It's not unusual for her to ask someone if they want to go along to Costco, or come over and visit while she does her laundry, or stay for lunch (and by the way can you please smell the sandwich meat because my husband said it smelled funky). When it seems like there is no time for friendship it's often because we are waiting until we are caught up on everything and the situation is perfect and that time never comes.
- Make the extra mile effort. We had a new girl move in our ward and she heard one of my girlfriends worked full time so she offered to meet her on her lunch hour so they could visit and get to know each other. The working girlfriend replied that she actually worked 45 minutes out of town. The new friend seeker said, "No problem. I'd be happy to drive out there to eat lunch with you" — and she did.
- Invite, invite, invite. Truth is, we're all busy people. I had a girlfriend invite me the other night to put on my pajamas and go to Bruesters with her (free ice-cream if you were wearing your pajamas) and then back to her house for a movie. I definitely wanted to go but I had a church meeting I was in charge of at my house during the same block of time. Sometimes people really do want to spend time with you but honestly are just busy. Don't be rebuffed by a few turn-downs.
- Don't make it a money issue . You don't have to wait until you can afford steak to have someone over. You can go for a walk, bake bread together, scrapbook, just sit and visit, or do any one of a thousand free things.
- Pray . I have had great success praying for friends. Heavenly Father is mindful of your need for friends. Pray for a friend and then get active and seek after friends.
- Include everyone . We had a woman speak at our recent stake conference. She said she decided to get to know her ward members better. She started at the top of the ward list and started inviting folks to join her family for Sunday dinner. She did not skip less active folks. Even if she had never seen or heard of them she called and invited them for dinner. She ended up becoming dear friends with an older single sister that had not been attending often. Remember everyone that is on your ward list at one time had a sweet
relationship with the Church. Those who aren't currently attending are often not there partly because they need a friend.
- Think about starting a group. Does your ward have a book club, bunco group, a cooking club, a scrapbook night? Our expanded enrichment program has highlighted some of these events, but some wards don't have a group because no one has thought to start it. Be the one to start something and invite lots of friends.
- Get a calling — give service. If the bishop hasn't given you one yet, go and volunteer. Working with people at church often brings wonderful friendships. And if you aren't in town long, don't let that deter you. My daughter and husband were in our ward for just four months, but they let the bishop know they really wanted to serve. My daughter got
called to be a "specialist" for Young Women (I'm sure they didn't want to give her a regular calling in Young Women and have to fill it again in such a short time). She had a great time serving and loved her time in Young Women. She and her husband also offered to volunteer in setting up for the ward Christmas party. Again, friendships were made. Go to the storehouse, participate in a dry packing field trip, offer to substitute for Primary, be a faithful visiting teacher. When you go to ward events go early to help set up, stay late to help clean up.
Good luck to you! As I said I'm not really good at any of the above. I'm shy and meeting new folks is a real effort for me. But I have been blessed to watch some sisters in action that are marvelous at it!
Sandee Spencer
What great ideas, Sandee! There are things on that list that all of us can do — even people who have been in the same ward for thirty years and have tons of friends. Thanks for being such a good observer.
We have lived in various branches and wards and have found that, in most cases, we did not feel totally comfortable until we'd been there long enough to "prove" ourselves. For example, we had been in a certain ward for more than a year when I was asked to create and produce the Christmas program. It was a challenge, but it was great fun and not done in the traditional manner. Afterward one of the bishopric said only one word to me: "Outstanding!" I thought it was, but it sounded great coming from a man like that.
The comment that startled me was one by a woman: "I always wondered why Richard married you." Apparently, until she saw what God and I could do, she didn't see much worth in me. I might say this is the same ward in which I still live (my husband has passed on) and it is the best ward we've ever lived in.
The solution to this type of critique, as I see it, is not easy. It is to just be patient, live your religion, and prove yourself.
Thanks for letting me comment.
A. Martin
Thanks for your letter, A. I don't know why people often have to prove themselves, but that's just the way life is. You were wise to endure long enough to do it, rather than retiring to a corner to lick your wounds. Licking your wounds only makes them hurt more.
I joined the Church in a little branch and have never moved yet. It is a very close-knit group, and I have had several people tell me it feels cliquish, including my husband.
I found that if you ask for help when you need it and offer to help when you can, people are pretty accepting. I find I resent those members who are always needy. My mom always said, "God helps those who help themselves," and while I am certain that most of us need a little help now and then, some people seem to be eternally needy and really drag down the whole branch.
I don't have much money or much time, but I try to use my talents to help others and not worry so much about who likes me and who doesn't.
Yesterday, one of the Primary children shared that he had mastered an article of faith (he got a sticker!) that I had spent a few minutes helping him with. I couldn't have been happier for him.
See what you can do, and give. Friendships follow.
Sister in Ohio
Thanks for writing, Ohio. By the way, a couple of years ago we covered the subject of people who take advantage of service. Here's the link to one of them, and you can find the rest on the Circle of Sisters archive.
I moved into a ward that on first glance seemed very standoffish. My first Sunday there I asked three different families if I could sit with them and was turned down by each one. I finally gave up and sat by myself.
However, after a few weeks of observing them I realized that they weren't standoffish; they were a ward full of cliques. I'm just obstinate enough not to let that stop me. I made it a point to talk to a new person at every meeting, and become the person I wished had been there for me when I moved in.
It wasn't until I was called as the visiting teacher coordinator that I learned more about the cliques in my ward. After about a year learning my new responsibilities an even newer person was called as the Relief Society president. I don't think she intended to, but one of the best things she has done is to shake things up. She and I would have long conversations about the visiting teaching program, and we each learned a lot about the members of our ward, and the group dynamics. Due to some other interesting ward dynamics, I was the only one who would pass out the visiting teaching assignments. Since our list needed updated every two or three months, this meant that I learned the name and face of practically every woman in the ward and most of their husbands. I can't tell you how rewarding that calling was — exhausting, but very, very rewarding.
The Relief Society presidency has done some wonderful things to break down the cliques over the last few years. We learned that many of the leaders of these cliques didn't realize they were in a clique, but certainly realized that others were. They just “hung out” together because they weren't part of Sister so-and-so's clique, or clique XYZ.
Many didn't realize there were even cliques, because they only knew about ten people in the ward despite being there for many years. Some felt they knew all the “old timers” but didn't make an effort to get to know the new move ins because they would just move out in a couple years anyway, so why bother.
Once all of this was realized by the new Relief Society president, she talked with the bishop and he agreed to have an activities committee. This committee did a variety of things that have brought the ward closer. It started off with expanding the Trunk or Treat to a Chili Cook-Off and Trunk or Treat activities night.
Then we moved our Christmas party from the evening (when a lot of families with young kids couldn't come because of bedtimes) to a Saturday morning breakfast where families were encouraged to roll out of bed and come in their PJ's. This Christmas breakfast also included a slide show of as many ward members as we could get pictures of.
Next our annual Relief Society birthday went from a few people working themselves to the bone to prepare a nice meal and program for us, to more of a potluck or sign up with the Enrichment committee focusing on the program. We also had a first Sunday Relief Society lesson on cliques, and are planning our third Linger Longer in three years.
I share all of this because, while there are still some cliques in our ward, there are not nearly as many now, and they all welcome new people to join them. We've changed ward activities chairwomen, and if anything she's improved on what seemed perfection. And shortly after the new mid-week activities groups were announced, we had groups springing up all over the place and even more people interacting with each other that normally don't get a chance to.
I look back to six years ago, and I don't think I would recognize more than a dozen faces, but I would see diverse groups of people sitting next to each other, talking, worshipping, and accepting each other for their contributions. We're far from perfect, but we are more of a ward family than we were when I first moved in, and I can't help but think it was due in large part a spiritually sensitive Relief Society president who told us early on that she would need our help, then expected it.
But I realize not every ward will have a new Relief Society president. One of the big things that helped me before I learned about the cliques and their dynamics, was being the friend I wanted others to be to me. Volunteering for different things — to read in Gospel Doctrine class, to say a prayer in Relief Society, to help clean up after a ward activity — and through it all looking for new people I hadn't met.
I even got a ward directory once and checked off all the people I had met, and picked out four or five new families to try to meet the next week. As I introduced myself to a new person, or said hello to someone I'd already met, I'd ask them if they knew Sister so-and-so. By the time I was released from my calling as visiting teaching coordinator, I knew everyone in the ward that had been there longer than three weeks, and had introduced countless visiting teaching partners to each other and their supervisor.
It takes some time to learn the names, but stepping outside of your comfort zone and putting names and faces together while introducing yourself is a lot more soul-satisfying than introducing yourself/your family at the next fast and testimony meeting or when you're called to speak for the first time, then waiting for people to introduce themselves to you.
Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and introduce yourself. It doesn't mean you won't occasionally have to take a head butt by a particularly ornery bull, but at least you can steer him away from your testimony china shop.
An angry, frightened, or wary bull can do a lot of damage in a china shop. Ward cliques can do a lot of damage to testimonies. I've seen families go inactive because people didn't introduce themselves, or ask if there were any visitors/new ward members, and after a few weeks they felt lost and abandoned. One family was reactivated about a year ago after five years of inactivity, and another family was reactivated about a month ago after about five years of inactivity.
Tonya in Texas
What a great story, Tonya! You gave all the credit to your Relief Society president, but it seems as though you were in the trenches also — doing missionary work by looking for people who were on the fringes, and bringing them into the congregation.
I was raised in the military and learned at a young age that fitting into a new situation depends on me, not the ones I want to accept me. It doesn't mean I have to buy them gifts or pile on the compliments; it just means I have to want to fit in, and try to fit in.
I have never had a sister snub me or make me feel bad about myself. Get out and attend the book buddy meetings, show up early to help set up, offer to help others learn to crochet, or whatever your special talent is.
I am not saying be pushy, and you certainly don't want to come in and demand the spotlight, but if you are helpful and show a desire to become part of your ward or branch, they will ask you about yourself and your family, and you will start leaving events feeling more and more like a part of the "family." I have almost without fail found that the people I originally thought might be snobbish were shy and worth making the effort to get to know.
Tess in Las Vegas
Thanks for your perspective, Tess. It's good to have a person who was raised in the military, and who has had to put herself out to be a friend to people, respond to our Sister in Colorado , who lives in a similar situation.
My husband and I are converts and have lived in the same ward for over 18 years. Finding good and lasting friendships in the LDS church has been difficult for us. We live in a fast-growing and transient community. So many people have moved in and out of our ward that it is sometimes exhausting trying to welcome new people and meet their expectations (and this includes manpower to move 30-40 families a year).
We “old timers” also get left out of cliques that form between the new members that move in. We feel lonely, too.
In the end, we all need to accept a level of responsibility for ourselves and sometimes be the instigators for social interaction. Most of the people in my ward are new move-ins, and to expect the minority of us to always do the inviting is unrealistic.
We are former military, and I actually liked our military ward. There was an understanding that everyone was new, would live there for a short period, and were responsible to dig in and socialize for ourselves.
We must manage our expectations on other people because they can be incorrect or unrealistic. My husband and I are continually trying to find friends in this ward who we would like to get to know better. We have open hearts toward new friends and recognize that not everyone does. I think social interactions in the wards need to be a mutual effort between the new folks and the existing members
A second observation we have made is that the members with extended family in town tend to have deep relationships with their families and not be as dependant on friends. The members who are from far away all seem to clique together and become close friends to fill the void that the extended family would normally fill. We would like both close family and close friends, and that is hard to come by in this transient community.
Been There-Done That, Vinyl-Siding Capitol of the USA
Loved your signature, Been There! I'm dying to know exactly where the vinyl-siding capitol of the USA is. I thought it was where I live! Thanks for writing in, and for keeping your sense of humor even as you have sometimes felt alone and shut out. I hope the letters this week and next will help you find some friends in vinyl-clad houses.
Until next week — Kathy
“We write our own destiny; we become what we do.”
Madame Chiang Kai-Shek
