This week's topic is one in which nobody wants to be an expert, but far too many Meridian readers are in the position to share their experience on the death of a spouse. Their advice may be important for all of us, and I especially appreciate the letters from readers who are speaking from this sad personal experience. Let's see what they have to say:

My husband spent the summer and fall ill with gallbladder disease and a newly discovered genetic disease called hemochroeotosis, which is the inability of the body to remove excess iron from the blood.  After two gallbladder operations and seven phlebotomies, he was finally feeling better. In fact he said he was feeling better than he had in years. 

After New Year's dinner, he sat down in a chair to watch a football game and died.

When he was so sick, we had discussed what to do if one of us died, but there was no way to know everything that needed to be done before the fact.

We had our finances in order and shared duties, so we would both know how to do the necessary things, but I still can't find the digital camera, and I didn't know where the snow shovel was.  It is the million little things that your spouse does every day that you don't know about that trip you up.  I am still trying to get everything together.

Dianne Wildey
Stevensville, Montana

Your letter was a poignant reminder, Dianne, that we all do things that nobody else knows about, and that nobody else is prepared to do. You were so smart to at least have your finances in order before the unthinkable happened. In most marriage, one spouse or another is delegated to handle the money — leaving the other completely in the dark. I'm one of the in-the-dark people (by choice, I'm embarrassed to admit), and your letter almost made me want to repent.

I am not a writer, but am at a point in my life where I am happy to share and to help anyone with death of a loved one. My husband of 29 years died early in 2008.  He suffered from depression and took his life. The world and some members of the Church still have a stigma about mental illness, and therefore my husband and I were careful about who we told about his health.  Today I am still careful about who I tell how he died.  

Because of his mental health we talked many times of "what if."  "What do I do if he dies?" "What do I do if something happens?"  Well, the "what if “ happened, and because we talked even a week before he died, I knew what to do.

Did it make it easier, no, but did I have a plan to work on. We talked about finances, housing, the future, and the blessings we have recorded in the heavens.  We especially talked about the blessings of eternal marriage and how glad we were to find each other here on earth.

I don't think we could ever be emotionally prepared for death. It hits you in so many different ways. You don't know how your body will respond — physically, mentally, spiritually. A family member wondered why I didn't do this or that, and I responded, "I have never been through this before. I don't know what to do."

People always say, "don't do anything for a year."  Why?  Well, for me it was because you have so many issues to deal with that your brain becomes mush. You can only make so many decisions by yourself. (Remember, for years you always had a companion to talk to and to make decisions together with.)  You can only think and think and think until your brain shuts down for protection. I couldn't even calculate easy math functions.

It was so helpful to have family and friends right there to help. The meals were helpful, but I learned two things I hope to always remember.  Save the meal to take in to them maybe for two weeks later, or give them a gift card to use in a restaurant. The meals from the ward have stopped, but even after a month you don't have energy or desire to cook or put things together.  It was nice to just go out and point at a menu and not have to worry about the dishes.

The second thing I learned was to call or do something immediately. For me, when people called two weeks later because they just heard, it just ripped my heart open again. This may not happen to you but again death affects everyone different. So to repare emotionally might be futile.

Now that I'm in that position, I have learned that I don't like the word widow . The word brought up all of the movies I ever saw of The Black Widow Strikes Again or Revenge of the Black Widow . If you have a new word to replace that one, let me know. (I try to find humor in anything.)

I had to learn how to laugh again. I was surprised to see how easily my joy was ripped away. We did things together for years and now it was just me. Things lost their joy and their purpose overnight.  Maybe because deep inside I always had to prepare myself in case something did happen due to his health, I knew I had to get through this. I had to learn to laugh again. I was surprised at how I felt the many prayers and blessings literally. I was surprised at how many people loved him/us and sent cards and letters. I felt their love, and it held me up. I heard from people I hadn't seen for more than 20 years. Wow, we mattered.

I wish we would have talked more about how treasured we were to each other — how much we meant to each other in many different ways. Yes, over the years these things were implied, through serving one another, through the thick and thin, through our covenants. But it has been six months now and his voice is hard to remember. His smile is hard to see and his silly jokes are being forgotten. I would suggest to anyone to take more videos of tender moments. Take more videos of each other saying those "I love you's and what you mean to me." I have many letters and cards that have become treasures, but it would be so much better to hear his voice.

Another thing the spirit has taught me is to keep the family traditions. Carry on, helping the family to heal by making things as normal as possible. It will be painful because they don't mean anything anymore, but you do it for the kids and family; they still mean things to the family. You see, even though you are hurting and are becoming refined, you are in charge of keeping the family together. This is hard because you have to give more, when you are bankrupt emotionally and spiritually.  Holding on tight to the Iron Rod and trying to remember why I was doing all this helped a lot. It has taken six months but I am now through the fog and am so glad I held on tight. I see the light again.

You have to invent a new normal. Things will never be the same. I was trying to bring back the past, and that is wrong. The spirit showed me that I had to move forward.

One other scary part I learned is that we as married people enjoy intimacy and being touched and kissed. I learned that many people miss it so much they jump into relationships too soon. They might remarry just to have that again and then find more pain. They end up being divorced two and three times, trying to fill that need. This is scary because we are already weak, but need to control our passions and this could get out of control quite quickly.

Attending the temple has been so wonderful. I find peace and joy and feelings of love.

Oh, how I wish no one had to go through this, but my testimony of many things has grown twelve-fold.

A Friend in Provo

Thanks for your experiences, for your words of humor, and for the wisdom of your Primary student. You will be an inspiration to many readers today.

My husband of 14 years had a kidney transplant. The Lord allowed him to live for 8 1/ 2 years after that. He had adopted my two girls, and the youngest of the four children we had together was 4 at the time.

My husband was one of the few who were well enough to work full time after the transplant. He worked out of town four days a week as a salesman. He could make the most money that way and he loved what he did. We both knew he would probably not live to be an old man, so we decided to get out of debt. We owed about $5,000 of the $60,000 that the insurance and Medicare did not cover on his transplant. We had about $5,000 in other debts. He worked two part time jobs, three nights a week at each, to pay the bills with the money he made. I took on 40 piano students so I could stay at home and make enough to buy groceries and gas for the car.

When he died, at age 53, the youngest boy was then 13. I was left with no bills and no house payment and an income from Social Security for the four children that were still home, plus mother's benefits. That was the same as his income was and there was no house payment to take out of it.

I had the four children with him by C-section, after I was 35, and when the last one came, I asked him how he could love a fat old lady like me. He said, "Honey, this life is but the blink of an eye compared to eternity; then I'll have my skinny little wife back forever." That left me knowing that in less than a half the blink of an eye, I would be back with him.

How smart you and your husband were to take the opportunity of getting out of debt! Although being out of debt certainly won't bring your husband back, it will allow you to sleep at night. Congratulations on being so smart — and for having a husband who is patiently waiting to be reunited with his “skinny little wife.”

There is no emptiness or loneliness quite so great or absolute as when your spouse is gone.  Even so, the gospel of Jesus Christ provides understanding and comfort to make it bearable.  Best preparation is to live together in a Christ-like love — always.  We had 48 years together of pure joy, never an argument, united in all our endeavors and in raising our nine children. 

As is often the case, separation by death came rather unexpectedly.  After our youngest of five sons returned from his mission and entered college (the other four also served missions), we put in our papers and served for 20 months in the Texas Houston South Mission.  Serving together was a divine experience.  We returned home, visited our children, including 40 grandchildren, and put in our papers again — this time to be called to the California Oakland Mission.  With one week to departure and with bags all packed, my wife developed a severe headache, which after a week was diagnosed as a fast-growing brain tumor.  The mission was cancelled and almost overnight I became a full-time caregiver, which lasted for 8.5 months.  Her mission on earth had concluded.  There was no remorse; there never had been any angry words to call back. 

As she took her last breath, I knelt in humble gratitude for the wonderful 48 years we'd had together.  Having an eternal marriage, we knew that death would only separate us temporarily.  With serious heart problems, we'd always thought I'd be the first to go and we'd often spoken of that possibility and what she would do, but it wasn't to be so.  Our faith made it easy to discuss the eventuality of death without fear. 

There has been no emotional trauma.  Her death was, indeed, a spiritual experience as I sat by her side.  The Comforter had been with us throughout the ordeal, and especially manifested itself at the end.  That feeling yet permeates our home and brings peace to my soul.  Lonely?  Yes, but not comfortless.  We will be together again one day.

Ronald Dee Rex
Brigham City, Utah

What a wonderful attitude you have, Ronald! Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in 1996 and was cancer-free for five years. The cancer returned with a vengeance in early 2002. He died in November of 2002.

Several things were happening at this time. I had gotten in contact with a home hospice organization in our town. These people saw us through every stage of his illness until the last.

They arranged everything for his comfort and mine. We had a counselor meet with us and help us through every stage of his illness. I had made the decision to have my husband remain at home, and a hospice nurse was on call 24/7. She visited every day at the last. Through this hospice experience, I was prepared.   

The one thing I was so grateful for was there was time to prepare for my future. There is just so much that has to be done. I started the process, insurance, and all the detail stuff, three months before I needed it. I had selected a member of my husband's family to be the coordinator, so that all I had to do was give him one call and he took care of informing the other family members, who all live scattered, in distant towns. I really believe that when I was doing something to get us through this, it made it easier later on.  

After the funeral, when everyone else had sort of disappeared, hospice was still there, a place for me to go and be with others who had recent deaths of spouses.

My experience was so unlike a friend of mine, whose husband just passed away in his favorite chair, with no warning whatever. She was at a complete loss as what to do next, or even where to start. She had to do all of the arranging stuff while trying to get it into her head that her sweetheart of 50 years was no longer in his favorite chair.

We spoke of it later, as to the differences of our circumstances. Quick death, as opposed to, knowing it was coming. Which way?  To know, or not to know …

We all have to work it out for ourselves. No one will ever to be able to follow along the same path of grief as someone else. Everyone does it differently, but a strong support of family, friends, church family, and other established groups will be the key.

The counseling from hospice, and support of our bishop, who was also our family doctor, really got me through. My strong belief in a family forever is also a huge plus. I often wonder just how anyone can get through this without such a belief system.

I hope my experience will be of some use.

D.R. Chaffin

Thanks for your letter, D.R. I had no idea hospice continued its services to help the survivors after a death, and that's a good thing to know. Thanks, too, for your counsel to use a family coordinator to make the important phone calls, so you don't have to do it yourself.

Read on for a letter from a reader who has not lost a spouse, but who nevertheless has some good advice:

I'm lucky not to have had to deal with the death of a spouse but wanted to offer two thoughts on the subject.

First, both of my parents have died, and one thing I became very aware of while dealing with their separate deaths is that no one is ever prepared for death, no matter how much they think they are. Both my parents died of health issues and lingered for about a month (though 20 years apart), and by the time they passed away I felt very "prepared" but was taken by surprise in each situation by the flood of emotions and issues that I hadn't anticipated.

I think it's important to know that you can't really prepare yourself emotionally for the death of a loved one, because it isn't good for people to worry over things they have no control over, once they've done all they can to prepare financial and other temporal issues. I think it's much more important to be ready to face whatever comes in our lives by developing a good relationship with our Savior and having faith in His ability to see us through whatever comes.

Having said that, my husband and I (now in our 50's) do occasionally discuss what life might be like if and when one of us dies before the other. Although we're both healthy and alive now, of course, there's no way of knowing what it will really be like in the face of the death of our companion. It doesn't hurt to be open and to face potential issues squarely, and even to make some loose plans in the event of an unexpected death.

Do we know each other's computer passwords? Can he get access to my electronic journal? Will I know who to contact among his family and friends? Is there someone who could come and help out while we adjust to our new situation? Would the remaining partner want to stay in our house and/or in our town, or would it be better to move closer to family? There are a million things that the death of a companion will change and no way to anticipate all of them, but being open to facing potential future situations without fear is better than that old standby, denial.

But to return to my earlier statement, honestly; there is just no way to "prepare" now for the confusion and chaos of emotion that will be unleashed after the loss of a spouse. Such a situation will be unbearably difficult, no matter what we've done to "prepare" ourselves. It's much more important to have faith in the atoning sacrifice of the Savior and in the miracle it can be in the most difficult times of our lives. There is no way to face such heartbreaking and life-altering circumstances without that, and with it there is no real reason for fear. As Latter-day Saints we are blessed with a knowledge of our Heavenly Father's plan for happiness and beneath all the grief and regret we will undoubtedly experience, we can also look forward to some peace in knowing that we will see our departed loved ones again. It doesn't take away the pain of loss, but it can make it possible to bear it.

Jackie in Gig Harbor, Washington

Thanks for asking some good questions, Jackie. Knowing computer passwords is as important as knowing the location of the safe deposit box. There are some pieces of information you need to know, and you won't be able to guess them once your spouse is no longer around to answer those questions for you.

Since I lost my spouse one year ago, I have found some simple things that have helped me through the loneliness and separation.  One is a personal "tradition" we started when we were first married.  We heard the idea somewhere to reverse bad feelings and make up with a kiss; but not only one — three in a row.  Over the years this became a tradition when we weren't upset, but just because we felt like it.   Just before the funeral, I was given a large framed photo of my husband and me cheek to cheek.  Someone had taken the photo at a church dance that year.  It is the most natural photo I have, and large enough to kiss.  So I kiss my husband three times every night, and sometimes during the day, just because I feel like it. 

Another "preparation" is that we talked a lot about everything.  After years of this, we shared a lot of knowledge and knew how the other thought on many topics.  Even our kids knew their father's interests and opinions and much of his trivial knowledge. 

Many of our conversations were about spiritual things, too.  My husband expressed his faith and knowledge openly.  He expressed his thoughts about gospel principles and his gratitude for me and the children and the good feelings in our home in little impromptu comments all the time.  He even talked about death and how he felt about dying, long before he was ill, even when the children were small.  Our children have told me that hearing him say those things made it easier for them when he died, because they knew how he felt about it.  Because of how verbal he was, there's no question of how he felt and what was important to him.  That leaves us with such a feeling of security! 

An added plus from all the long talks is that when I have private quiet time, I can meditate on things that are on my mind and sometimes feel what his thoughts would be.  This has been a wonderful thing, and I have kept these experiences in a journal, and even shared them with our children.  They are young, and they need the same things I do:  Photos, words, memories, but even more.  We all need and want a sense of his presence in our home and in our days.

One thing we wish he had done was kept a journal.  He didn't want to, but knew he should.  In his last year, he intended too, but it was too overwhelming.  The plan was to use a special software to make it easier.  We cling onto the few little notes and letters we have with his handwriting and personal words to us.  I'm sure knowing that, his journal would have been a much higher priority.

We also should have made more family videos, with him in front of the camera instead of always behind it.  This is heart-breaking, so we don't dwell on it.  We could have recorded his voice more too.  This is difficult for the person being recorded, especially if it is viewed as a "preparation" before their death.  Videos and recordings should be made during "normal" times as much as possible.  We once had a family home evening where we recorded an interview of dad about his childhood and school days.  This is priceless.

A Reader in Arizona

Thanks for your letter, Arizona . I'm sure you have inspired many readers to dust off their journals — or to start one anew. Sometimes little things can make a big difference after a loved one is no longer around.

The counseling by a Church Social Services counselor was invaluable in my time of trials.  Not only did I have a terminal husband but I had seven children (ages 1 to 15 years) that were losing a fantastic dad.  The stress even caused me heart issues from too many adrenaline events.

He has since died and I re-married another LDS man who has been having a year of heart issues, and I'm preparing for his eventual exit too.

Karen Spilsbury

Karen, I can't even imagine going through this once, and here you are preparing to go through it for a second time. Thanks for recommending church social services to help in times such as these.

Before a loved passes away, each of you should work together so that you both know about all your accounts and how to handle them.  Make a list of passwords that you use on the internet so that information is not lost. Become involved in outside activities so you will not be left alone.  Friends and family are an important support.  If you don't have a hobby, develop one beforehand so you can keep busy.  Don't be afraid to go places and do things.  Don't just sit home and feel sorry as life is a journey and there is an end and one day you will be together again.

A Reader from Utah

Thanks for reminding us, Utah , that instead of turning inward as we are tempted to do, we can actually be comforted by the company of others. Thanks, too, for your counsel about getting a hobby. That's good advice even if you're not contemplating the death of a spouse! I've met many people who retired and didn't know what to do with themselves. If they had a hobby or two, the days would be a lot more enjoyable.

How to prepare for the death of a spouse/loved ones is a topic that we all need to not take lightly, but many people seem to blow off because it is such a morbid and unpleasant topic.  We should all ponder, plan, discuss, and be prepared for the eventual death of ourselves or our spouses, and other loved ones as well.  I have not lost a spouse to death yet, but I have lost all of my grandparents and my dear mother. Here are some ideas and suggestions that I would like to share with others:

1. Have the spouse/loved one record his personal history either in writing, via tape recorder, CD, DVD, or on video camera.  My mom never took the time to write down her own life history, nor did she keep any daily journals, and that is something that I really miss reading in my life.  I have since that time asked several of my relatives, including my dad, to write down his life history for the benefit of his kids and future posterity.  Pictures, scrapbooks, home videos, personal histories, CDs, DVDs, journals, newspaper articles all help us remember our loved ones after they have passed on to the next life.  This helps bring back favorite memories of them, good times and bad times, favorite stories and favorite sayings, accomplishments in life, overcoming trials and tribulations, and keeps them from just being another name on a family group sheet or a family pedigree chart!
2. If the spouse or loved one did not create or leave behind a personal history, or scrapbook, or daily journal, then gather all of the important information, materials, records, pictures about them and write your own personal biographical account about them.  Seek input, stories, experiences, pictures of the deceased spouse/loved ones from other family members and relatives as well.  Once it is completed, then you can publish it and give other family members and relatives a copy of it as well. 
3. Having served as a former U.S. Army Survivor Assistance Officer several times, I also think that it is so critically important to discuss many items with your spouse, so that you are emotionally, mentally, socially, and physically prepared as well for the death of yourself and/or your spouse.  I have visited several grieving widows in the military, as a Survivor Assistance Officer, who had no clue as to where the current will was, where the life insurance policy was kept and how much money was in it, where do they go to get signed up for Social Security assistance, how do they manage the checkbook now, where are all of the bills kept, how do they set up the funeral arrangements for the spouse, and other important issues.  As a result of this experience I set up with my wife an “Answers Book” that lists our Insurance policies, checking accounts, copy
   of our will and living trust, property that we own, funeral arrangements, stocks and mutual funds, investment companies, and so on.  This way all of the important information is contained in one book in case either of us or both die.  I would encourage everyone to develop a similar book in the event of a death of a spouse or loved one. 
4. Speaking of wills and trust funds, I think it is very critical to list all of the property, resources, and possessions that a spouse has and who they want them to go to after the death of that loved one.  That helps prevent hard feelings, family fights, court hearings, lawsuits, and arguments about who is supposed to inherit what after that person dies, and also brings about emotional peace for all concerned.  This will and trust fund should be discussed with all concerned before a person dies so that there are no misunderstandings.  So many families fight and argue over the possessions and money of a deceased loved one even after they have been dead for many years.   
5. I think it is so very important to spend time with your spouse/loved one while they are preparing to die.  I spent a lot of time at my mom's hospital bedside prior to her passing away from skin cancer.  I was just there to listen to her and be there for her. I was so amazed at her upbeat attitude, smile, and positive affirmations/example that she gave to me and to the doctors and nurses that attended to her.  I also carried with me a small tape recorder so that I could capture my mom's thoughts and sayings prior to her dying, since she had not kept a personal history, or a daily journal. 
6. I think we, as Latter-day Saints, can take emotional and spiritual comfort that there is a real plan of salvation — that life extends beyond the grave, that families can be together forever, and that death is but a brief moment in the entire span of eternity.  We need to spend time in the temple before and after our loved one passes on.  The temple provides us peace, tranquility, comfort, and the realization that life is so short and fragile!  So many other religious ministers have no clue or idea as to what really happens after the death of a loved one! Besides going to the temple, we can read our scriptures, pray, fast, attend church, provide service to others, and magnify our church callings.
7. I think the most important thing that we can do after the death of a loved one is to continue to live our lives in a manner that would be pleasing to our spouse/loved one and to our Heavenly Father!  We should not mope around and be unhappy.  Or crawl into a shell and be miserable the rest of our lives!  We should become the best person that we can be, and continue to grow and develop ourselves spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and socially — so that we can be worthy to be with our spouses/loved ones again in the next life!  We need to reach out to others too who have lost spouses and loved ones and share with them the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ and his glorious plan of salvation and eternal life.

LDS Man Serving In Iraq

Thanks for some great ideas, Serving. The answer book could be a real lifesaver. The only thing I would add is that if you have an answer book, keep it updated! When we cleaned out my mother-in-law's house in December, we had been told where to find specific items — but those items weren't necessarily where we were told they were. A collection of silver dollars was supposed to be under the basement stairs, but we found silver dollars all over the house. Clark even went to the bank in a snowstorm to get the items out of the safe deposit box, only to learn the safe deposit box had been cleaned out long before. Clark's parents were meticulous about keeping records, but even meticulous people don't think about keeping the location of items in the place where survivors were told they would be. If you're going to have an answer book, keep it current!

My husband died suddenly on December 20, 2008. I take great comfort in knowing that he loved me, and I loved him, and there was nothing left unsaid between us. However, from my limited perspective as a new widow, I would suggest that there is nothing that would have prepared me for the devastating loss, sorrow, and grief that I am experiencing. My faith is strong, my testimony intact, I know that the sealing power is real, but I am heartbroken nonetheless.

Were we to have lived our lives as if his passing — or mine — were imminent, we may have missed much of the joy in our lives, paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by the prospect of raising our children and carrying on alone.

Perhaps the advice for others would be to love one another, make and keep sacred covenants, and live the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Nan from Phoenix

Thanks, Nan , for reminding us that even though we should live as though every day were our last (or the last day of a loved one), we shouldn't focus on it to the point of losing our joy. If today is all we have in this life, it's foolish to ruin that day in fear that there won't be a tomorrow on the horizon.

My father died just before I turned nine and my husband of 40 years is 10 years older than I am, so I have had this unthinkable thought on my mind now and then for a long time.

Temporally, I am trying to learn how to do the things he does around the house, including taxes (ugh!), where/when to service the automobiles, and other things. I need to see how the TV and VCR/DVD player are hooked together but that will probably be beyond me. I may have to quit watching, and maybe that would be a good thing. Basically, I imagine being alone now and then and try to decide how I would handle the different things he does. Our handyman would undoubtedly see an increase in his earnings.

Emotionally, I have no idea what to expect. I would keep busy with all the projects on my to-do list.

Spiritually, I think I would go on a full-time mission as soon as I could get things organized well enough to do so.

I will be interested to see what your readers think so I will be better prepared.

Ann in Virginia

You have good ideas, Ann. But as far as the little temporal things are concerned, don't forget your home teachers. I know my own husband enjoys sharing his technical expertise with the people we home teach, as well as others who aren't on our route. You will not have to give up your television and DVD if the unthinkable happens. That may be a small comfort, but every little thing may help.

When I retired after 40 years as a teacher and administrator in public education, my wife and I determined to fill our retirement years serving on missions for the Church.  We had visions of being in good enough health to be able to serve several missions. 

We were called on a CES mission to Eastern Montana.  We were out three months when she was diagnosed with leukemia.  She was life air-lifted from Billings, Montana, to the Huntsman Cancer Center in Salt Lake City.    

What a large “bump in the road” this became to our retirement plans!  We talked often of her getting better and being able to return to our mission, but it was not to be.  From the time of her diagnosis to her passing was only four months, and that was with the best medical help she could possibly have received.

After 43 years of marriage and the raising of seven children, I could not see myself without my mate.  But, as the weeks progressed during her illness, I knew that would be my lot.  I then began to thank her and our Heavenly Father for the years we had together.  My appreciation for her life increased and my closeness to my Savior and His atoning sacrifice became more keen.

It was a time of much praying, much study of gospel principles and doctrines, and a period of spiritual growth for me.  I came to realize that I must submit to the will of our Heavenly Father. 

I was impressed with the idea that many times our loved ones are called home because they have a mission to perform on the other side that is more important than any they might perform here.  My wife's mission was completed here, and she was needed there.  That gave me great comfort even though I knew I would miss her terribly.  

It will be three years on March 5, 2009, since she left.  It hasn't been easy for me to live alone.  Our children are scattered all over the West and East, with only one within 90 miles of where I live.  But, they all are active in the Church and the mothers are all able to stay home and take care of my 28 grandchildren. 

I spend a lot of time on airplanes going to visit my children, especially for baby blessings and baptisms.  Having the support of my family has been so very important.  

There are times when I miss Marietta terribly, but when I get to feeling that way, I pray for strength and I get busy helping others as much as I can.  I work in the St. George Temple two days a week, and I help at the local senior citizen's center another day each week.  I also have church assignments to help keep me busy. 

The gospel of Jesus Christ is the great stabilizer in my situation.  So, how does one cope with the loss of a spouse? You just do.  You endeavor to help others; you remain active in your church assignments; you do volunteer work; you spend time with family and friends; and you keep a journal of not only what you do, but also, your feelings and spiritual experiences as time passes. 

Keep a positive attitude and, as President Monson admonished, you enjoy the journey.  Your spouse is not far away, and soon enough, the two of you will be together again.

Leon G. Hollingshead
Parowan, Utah

We were able to make all the funeral plans and burial arrangements prior to his becoming unable to communicate with me his preferences. He wanted the gospel taught at his funeral service, and that is what we did. We purchased the burial plot and picked out the casket together. It was truly a great relief to not have to deal with all of that when the time came. We also got our finances in order as much as possible, and fortunately, I had life insurance to rely on afterwards to resolve some debts. I had four children still at home and though there were many unknowns, we were able to stay in our same home, ward and schools until the time came when I remarried. That was a great comfort to us.

I am grateful for the time we had to make preparations. Though it is any spouse's worst nightmare to think of losing your companion and helpmeet, I am grateful to have had that time to prepare as opposed to losing that loved one suddenly and without notice. The greatest gift is your testimony and faith that Heavenly Father loves you and is aware of your needs. Though I don't understand why my husband had to die at 47, with children still at home to raise, I know that the Lord has blessed our family immensely. His tender mercies are continual and his hand constant in our lives. Our family motto during my husband's illness was, "God is a God of miracles and we believe in miracles." The miracles continue.

Carol Kaatz
North to Alaska!

Thanks for an optimistic letter, Carol. Your husband was right — death is an exciting adventure! Although the aftermath of death can cause great heartache for the survivors, death itself should hold no fear for the members of the Church.

Our last letter today tells us what NOT to say to a bereaved spouse. This is something we can all take to heart:

My husband passed away five and a half years ago. It is the most devastating, all-consuming event that could ever happen. Words cannot express how one feels — the emptiness, the loneliness.. One's life is changed forever.

But there are a few things that I could or would like to say and things that I have experienced. Nothing is worse than the trite expressions, "I know how you feel”; “You will see him again”; “We all have to lose our partner at some time". This is the last thing one wants to hear after losing one's eternal companion even though we all know what the plan is if we are members (and of course I am).

Instead of saying, “Call me if you need anything,” or “I am here if you need me," just do something like make a phone call, drop over to the house, think of the widow/widower on their birthday/anniversary/death date of spouse, Christmas, and other important occasions. The very worst thing is that people think that because five years have passed it is all over and forgotten.

Thanks for some practical counsel, Susanne. Nobody intends to hurt the feelings of another, but it's all too easy to say just the wrong thing to someone who is grieving.

Readers, it's not too late to comment on this topic. I f you have any ideas or experiences to share, please write to meridianmagazine@aol.com. Put something in the subject line to tell me your letter isn't spam. We'll publish the first responses next Monday. And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan ,” or “Sandy from Timbuktu .” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next time — Kathy

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”

Henry Van Dyke